Women Today Ain’t Like The Women Of Yesterday…

by Black Love And Marriage.com on January 20, 2011

in A Man's Point Of View,Ask The Maat's (Videos)

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VIDEO: by Ayize Ma’at After coaching hundreds of couples I have decided to do a video addressing a common critique from black men about black women. How many times have you heard this: “Black Women today ain’t like the Black Women of yesterday.” Well, in this show I touch on this in an attempt to elevate our understanding and edify black relationships.

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January 21, 2011 at 10:09 pm

{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

1 james October 12, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Give my a woman "of yesterday" anytime

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2 Ms. Linda January 24, 2011 at 4:49 am

You better TEACH Ayize!!!!!

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3 Ms. Linda January 24, 2011 at 4:47 am

No matter what anyone says…you are on point Ayize. It's amazing to me how men inserted themselves into the conversation in such a way that it became about them being the head of hose pr not….and the point of the vid was talking about women's voices NOT A MAN'S!!! Geesh!

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4 Ms. Linda January 24, 2011 at 4:48 am

I meant head of house

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5 Ayize January 24, 2011 at 7:38 am

that is interesting…..i noticed that too
My recent post I Don’t Need A Hero In Love…I Need A Healing In My Life

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6 ruleyourwife January 21, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Ayize, you know I'm wit ya on the post. I fight that battle with the men's group I facilitate. Always putting them in check about their attitudes and disposition about women. Too many men have a poor concept of their girlfriends/wives. But my position from the biblical perspective is, if we continue to allow folks to misinterpret God's word then we, in my opinion, are as egregious as those who falsify God's word for personal purpose. When you take the title of my blog Rule Your Wife – the principle is a husband "rule" his wife with geniune with love. I'm tire of brother & even sistas who think rule your wife is some type of oppressive concept. So again when I say man is the head, it's not position, but purpose. When Aiyana expresses so fondly of who you are, she is talkin abt the quality of your character of your leadership. So I will cont 2 live by righteous brothers who lead authentically and challenge brothers who try to oppress. But as I stated, u kno how I feel abt U and ur passion to get brothers right.

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7 Ayize January 21, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Much respect to you. I know your work and you are definitely a soldier on the front line diligently working to improve the quality of relationships in our community. I salute you sir.
My recent post I Don’t Need A Hero In Love…I Need A Healing In My Life

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8 Guest June 8, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Since when did marriage become all about a man ruling? I notice that you equate everthing in a marriage to a man "ruling" his wife, even things that has nothing to do with decision making, but two people just being in love. Wow, are you that consumed with being in control and carrying head of household title? You try to justify everything you say to be for the good of the wife, but it sounds like it's really for the good of your ego.

Let me remind you that man is not a woman's savior. My parents have been married over 40 years and never needed any marriage or couples couselor (no disrespect to the Ma'ats) nor did they need a self help book to get to where they are today. Their marriage has been modeled for me, so I don't need to go to every Tom, Dick, and Harry for THEIR answers. My father didn't have to make it publicly known that he protected his family; he just did what he was supposed to do as a man and I must say waaay better that you Bible verse quoting men today.

P.S. if you are tired of people thinking your blog title is oppressive, it's becuase it is, silly!

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9 Harriet January 21, 2011 at 6:42 pm

2/2

My parents were married for 28 years before my father died eight years ago. To this day, my mom still wears her wedding band! Why? She told me it's because she can live the rest of her life off just the MEMORY of his love for her and never desire another man to give her what she got in abundance from him. Not to say she's closed to the idea of dating, but THAT kind of relationship is incomparable, and to rush into another one is an insult to the very memories she has of my father's love.

That, in my mind, is what the male role of leadership is all about. Loving every part of your wife so fiercely…so selflessly that even when you are dead and gone, the ripples of your leadership and love wash over her and her children for the entirety of their inhaling and exhaling. THAT'S what I believe both Ayize and Ruleyourwife were trying to convey.

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10 Harriet January 21, 2011 at 6:41 pm

1/1

Finally–back to the biblical discussion–woman was taken from a man's side, his ribcage. Kimberly Nichols said, "Our ribs not only covers the heart which causes our heart to beat, but it covers our lungs which causes us to breathe, everything that essentially gives us life." Break a rib and realize how a little thing like breathing is taken for granted every day. Sad thing about it is there are so many men who think their women are wild stallions…always trying to break them down…"tame" them. That's some bull! A woman isn't a wild animal…she's a precious commodity of priceless value. She has to be willing to wait until she meets a man who sees that innate value within her (I didn't wait, and had to learn the hard way). He then has a responsibility to love her unconditionally, sacrificially.

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11 Harriet January 21, 2011 at 6:27 pm

My second point is what Aiyana said yesterday: a man who LEADS is so much more sexy than a man who attempts to CONTROL his wife. I just got out of a marriage where control was the order of the day. A woman will inevitably become a marytyr for the sake of her marriage if that kind of behavior persists. Sure, she may not die right away, but she'll be in a zombie like catatonic state if she is willing to allow it to continue. And truthfully, many women (both then and now) make those allowances. And like Tara wrote on BMWK this week, guess who is most affected by this? The little people who are observing three feet below. They pattern their adults lives off what they observed as children. Not what mom and dad SAID, but what they DID. So the vicious cycle continues to perpetuate itself. Show me a man who has to have control over his woman, and I'll show you the biggest punk you ever did meet. Show me the man who cultivates his wife, honors her opinion and appreciates her for her mind as well as her body and what she does for him, I'll show you a KING.

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12 Ayize January 21, 2011 at 9:40 pm

i'm diggin this line right here:
Show me a man who has to have control over his woman, and I'll show you the biggest punk you ever did meet. Show me the man who cultivates his wife, honors her opinion and appreciates her for her mind as well as her body and what she does for him, I'll show you a KING
That was powerful.
My recent post I Don’t Need A Hero In Love…I Need A Healing In My Life

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13 Harriet January 21, 2011 at 6:20 pm

3/3

Yes, we live in a patriarchal society. But it's important to note the responsibility that lands on the shoulders of men who want to assert the whole "submission" clause too readily. Being the HEAD has nothing to do with status and position, IMO. It has everything to do with following the example set by Christ. He came, He served, He set the example, He employed compassion over condemnation most of the time, He walked His talk…and when it was clear that all that wasn't enough, He died for the cause of our freedom.

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14 Harriet January 21, 2011 at 6:19 pm

1/3

Wow…where to begin?

First and foremost, I am a Christian. I love Jesus and His Word (the Bible) with all my heart. PERIOD. That said, I totally agree with what you said about religious indoctrination, Ayize. My Christian walk has nothing to do with religion, and everything to do with RELATIONSHIP. Therein lies the root of the "religious" debate taking place here. So many people (even clergy) try to attach all these don't-isms and extra foolishness to life. So people from all walks of live entrust their entire being to Christ and receive a warped example in return, thus transferring from one prison (sin) to another (religion). That shouldn't be, but that kind of mess happens every day!

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15 Landon January 21, 2011 at 6:06 pm

I think what you mean is cool, but truth of the matter is that a man or woman's biological make up is designed for certain things. So while I agree that a woman has a voice, I also believe that voice should be expressed the right way, as should a man's. Men are designed to be the head of the union. That's just what it is. Us not being emotional by nature is "supposed" to allow us to make decisions without the disturbance of emotions, but of course we are so far from that today. The lack of strong me in the family structure has women stepping outside of their role (and my hat goes off to the sisters doing the best they can), but the unfortunate reality of that is all of the ultra moist men you see now a days.

I strayed off topic a little, but still it is what it is. Both matters co-relate!!

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16 ahaviaij January 21, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Oh my, thank God for you and your wife. This is real talk for people who want to succeed in their marriage. This was my previous marriage in every aspect and it was a relief to? FINALLY hear someone come with the truth and pointing out the stress it causes upon a marriage. Thank God for you and your wife.

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17 blacktigerwu January 21, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I have to strongly disagree with you here. I have always spoke with older couples and older people who? were fine with their roles because everyone has to supress themselves as far as different things . In a relationship there is sacrifice on both ends. If you feel women are not fine with what is considered their role as home maker Men were not cool with having to work doing back breaking labor not seeing his family much to put food on the table.

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18 Cynthia January 21, 2011 at 4:28 pm

You deserve a standing ovation for this post. My husband and I try to get folk to understand this one. Love this sooooo much that I have to repost. Love it!

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19 grownmanbiz05 January 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Go head Bro,
I could hear in your tone that this was a passionate issue for you. Me myself, I'm with you. I'm a believer that my woman stands beside me not behind me. Everything we have is because we have each other. Keep it up…….appreciate that post.

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20 The1Ms.HBIC January 21, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Ayize this is a wonderful post. I will be reposting it. I appreciate you and your message. I find it very uplifting and inspirational. I’m going to repost it on my site. I can also appreciate Ruleyourwife’s comment and I know both personally. They both are mentor couples to me and my spouse. So, they have common goals but sometimes a slightly different view. I love this dialogue we have here. Great debate!

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21 ruleyourwife January 21, 2011 at 12:42 am

Great post. When bros hit me w/ that I usually hit 'em back w/, "& there ain't a whole lot of men like the men of yes2day."
But u said "let's have sum real talk;" so I'm going 2 challenge u on a few points. U talked abt "we fallin victim 2 religious ndoctrination . . . & livin n a patriarchial society" & man deciding that man should B place 1st. Now I recognize that every1 ain't Christian & the bible is for bible believing disciples, but it's a book terribly misunderstood.
If 1 studies the bible they'll clearly C that God despises religion. He had strong issues w/ Pharisees, Sadducees & religious scholars. He wanted folks who understood the spirit of His word. As 4 man leadin or bein head, indeed he should B. But understand headship aint abt position, but purpose. As a hubby do I lead my wife honorably? Is my example worthy? Am I a strong root bearin good fruit? I'm head b/c I am my wife's protector. I can't serve her from any other position. If an intruder broke n2 our house how can I protect if I ain't standin purpose in front of her? http://www.ruleyourwife316.com

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22 Supreme Queen January 21, 2011 at 5:06 am

Are you kidding? "As 4 man leadin or bein head, indeed he should B. But understand headship aint abt position, but purpose. As a hubby do I lead my wife honorably? Is my example worthy? Am I a strong root bearin good fruit? I'm head b/c I am my wife's protector. I can't serve her from any other position. If an intruder broke n2 our house how can I protect if I ain't standin purpose in front of her?"
No where here have you addressed WHY the man should be head. …Indeed he should be? Based on what? The Bible, right? Since, the Bible has no flaws and should not be looked at based on the context of the times it was written in??? You say it's not about position but purpose and that you CAN'T serve her from any other position other than in front of her…why is that? Why can't you serve her from behind? Why can't you serve her while beside her? IMO, it's a great mistake to equate physical strength with superiority and that's exactly what it sounds like you're implying. Wait, I know what you'll say here…being at the head doesn't equal superiority.
But, look you can't have it both ways. If somebody's at the head then somebody's behind them. Point blank.
And, yes we know there are alot of people out there who subscribe to this paradigm of man being at the head and that there are plenty of men who play that part honorably.
But, the question here is : Who said men are supposed to be at the head??? God? Or men who interpreted the Word? Can you engage on this issue without using biblical rhetoric to support more biblical rhetoric?
Furthermore, I feel Ayize did an EXCELLENT job of lifting up the voices and hearts of so many women. He really spoke to my heart but you seemed to miss that.
It was more so about edifying and holding our women in high esteem in our relationships and you seemed to make it all about men…. You have clearly missed the point. But, with a name like ruleyourwife….I'm not surprised.

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23 ruleyourwife January 21, 2011 at 6:56 am

I said this w/ MUCH respect. U subscribe 2 the rule that u want 2 live by at ur address & I will at mine. Ayize & I work 2gether, w/ our wives, n this thing call marriage & I suppport him & this msg. This brother is a warrior & I know that b/c I seen him n action effect change.
I never equated physical strenght w/ superiority & I never said being head was a superior position – u assumed that. I clearly wrote that headship ain't abt position, but abt purpose. I say & stand by this BOLDLY, I "SERVE" as the head of my family n purpose, example & w/ wholehearted honor 2 my wife & she LOVES it b/c my actions demonstrate my love 4 her. When u speak of a wife bein behind b/c the husband is the head – again that's ur limited prism. N closin, u wanted sumthing abt a man bein head w/o speakin biblically. Find a home, community or situation that's void men standin & steppin up as the head & u'll find a fractured home, community or situation. – 2B continued

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24 ruleyourwife January 21, 2011 at 7:00 am

Find a home, community or situation were a man stands & steps up as the head & u'll find a thrivin home, community or situation. Proof positive, look @ our community. I'll close w/ real talk. U have a problem w/ a brother who authentically wants 2 head his family HONORABLY, but u feel absolutely comfortable referring 2 urself as "Supreme Queen -" Are you kidding.
It's a shame that there are too many sisters who have chosen busters for mates who don't know how to head honorably, and then get pissed when there are brothers who do it honorably. And as for my blog title, take the time to read oppose to judging, But with a name like Supreme Queen . . . I'm not surprised.
But for real sista, I ain't got nothing but love 4 ya.

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25 Supreme Queen January 21, 2011 at 4:32 pm

What I sense here now is certainly not love…but ego. In any event, you still fail to explain WHY men should be the head! Why???!!!!! You're talking all around it but will not and probably can not address it directly! You say: " Find a home, community or situation that's void men standin & steppin up as the head & u'll find a fractured home, community or situation." Here's where we agree—Men most definitely have significant, essential, life sustaining, critical roles in protecting, leading, growing, and carrying our communities. However, that does not equate to him being the HEAD. Duh!
Women have significant, essential, life sustaining, critical roles in protecting, leading, growing and carrying our communities too. However, that does not mean she is the HEAD. Duh!
Man & Woman both have responsibilities. However, we do them differently because we are different—-male and female.
So, yes when men do not step up and in to do their part the community suffers greatly for it JUST AS when women do not step up and in to do their part the community suffers greatly.
Just because a part of a man's role is to protect and provide it does not automatically equate to him being the head.
A woman carries and nurtures life in her womb for 9 long months. Should this make her the head? The best combination is for BOTH people—MAN AND WO(MB)MAN to hold each other's roles and positions in reverence while they head the family TOGETHER and LEAD TOGETHER.
And, let me make something real clear. I come from a two parent household where my parents provided my siblings and I with all of the love, education, security, and spiritual fortitude that we needed. My father handled his business. My mother handled hers. They taught us (in their words & actions) that they lead together and that men and women are different yet equal. They taught me and my sisters the qualities of a real woman and my brothers the qualities of real men. And, they reinforced to us that we should try and find mates that will reflect our light and step forward hand in hand and SIDE BY SIDE to create, grow, and lead our family. My parents have been married for 35 + years and I have been married for almost 15 to the same man I started out with so puhhhlease don't attempt to sweep me into a category of, as you say "sisters who have chosen busters for mates who don't know how to head honorably, and then get pissed when there are brothers who do it honorably." I'm not one of them.
Furthermore, I said in my previous comment the following:

"And, yes we know there are alot of people out there who subscribe to this paradigm of man being at the head and that there are plenty of men who play that part honorably.
But, the question here is : Who said men are supposed to be at the head??? God? Or men who interpreted the Word?"
So, I have absolutely no problem with men who do it honorably. In fact, I applause this! My husband leads honorably AND SO DO I. There's room for more than one head—that's my point.
And, yes I choose the name Supreme Queen because I know who I am—made in the image and likeness of the Most High and my husband is Supreme King. In our house we both hold the key to power and to peace in our own unique (and, yes even gender specific) ways but we are clear: We do it as a team together side by side….something you'll most likely never understand.

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26 Guest June 10, 2011 at 5:22 pm

What I sense here now is certainly not love…but ego. In any event, you still fail to explain WHY men should be the head! Why???!!!!! You're talking all around it but will not and probably can not address it directly!

I couldn't agree with you more on this. Ruleyourwife or whatever his name is can't/won't address it because he has no concrete answer. Anyhow, props to Mr. Ma'at for a sound observation.

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27 Monique May 7, 2011 at 11:27 am

i haven't real all of the replies from this comment. But my comment is to the fact that Ayize was speaking about the perception that men should "come first". He didn't say the man should not be the head or take the lead. I don't believe he was negating that more so than in the family the misunderstood stance is that the man should come FIRST.

A mans role is the head simply because that's the way God designed it. That doesn't mean the man comes first or is a tyrant in how he runs his home and interacts with his wife. So i ca'nt get in the preceeding debate about the role, because that's not what Ayize addressed.

However, headship is headship, just as submission is submission. Order is order. People have it twisted though. Their interpretation of what those two words actually mean is based in fear. For the man "my woman is gonna do as i say when i say because i said". And for the woman "i'm not bowing down to nobody and nobody is gonna tell me what to do, how to do it, nor when to do it". That's not what headship means, nor what submission means.

Headship is taking the lead in the direction and destiny of your family which you cannot do without your woman's input. Submission is trusting that your husband has your family's best interest in mind and that he is wise and strong enough to carry, cover, guide and protect your family and doing everything that you can as his wife to make those tasks as easy as possible. The key to both of these responsibilities (yes i said the "r" word) is genuine love for your mate and honest, loving, fearless communication.

That is all i have to add now until i can sit down and real all the replies to this initial comment.

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28 Ryan January 20, 2011 at 7:28 pm

That was deep….It's sad but i never really considered the idea that "women follow men because men say women should follow men" It's simple but yet profound. We make the rules and the rules we make reinforce our position in the world. This was a serious post. Thanks bro.

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29 K.O. January 20, 2011 at 5:04 pm

And let the church say…Amen! Whew…I've gotta repost!

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30 Jamedra January 20, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Ayize, that was powerful. The "Patriarchal Mindset" you spoke of is what caused me to turn down 2 opportunities for marriage because I saw this mindset in those men & knew that I could never be happy spending my life with one who as I say "loved himself more than I ever could" so expected me to follow suit. & the other who valued what other men had to tell him about our relationship more than what I had to say.
'Medra

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31 Mike January 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Whoaaa Ayize you made it plain didn't you. Sometimes the truth is a bitter pill to swallow. Thanks for the lesson Dr. Ma'at.

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32 Kara January 20, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Oh my goodness!!!! I thank God for you! Both of my marriages fell victim to the idea that I was supposed to follow the instructions and guidance of my husband and it was craaaazy! Am I a child? No. I finally decided to do some research for myself (beyond just the bible) and there's a whole lot of misinformation and "indoctrination" as you say out there. Most folks (especially men) that I know that want to lift up being head of house and submission of women, etc. do based on what they have heard at church and what is socially acceptable in this country and culturally acceptable in the black community. It's handed down from generation to generation. But, I don't think folks really study the societal circumstances around how this was created.
Of course, there are those that will say it's in the bible, so it's right….so I guess slavery is right too huh? SMH…

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