By Ayize Ma’at
In the marriage counseling and coaching work that my wife and I do with couples from around the country, I’m frequently asked, “How do you know she’s ‘the one'”, or “How do I know when I’m ready to get married?” Sometimes when I hear these questions it’s hard to keep a straight face because in many of these situations the men are engaging in behavior that’s “questionable” at best and got the nerve to look me in the eyes and even suggest that they’re ready for marriage. Of course as a good relationship coach I remain neutral as I provide my answer and lift up the importance of healthy relationships. Truth be told, their questions and situations inspire me. I’ve created a list of 10 reasons that YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. Enjoy.
You are not ready to get married if……..
1. YOU DEFINE YOUR “PRIMARY FAMILY” AS: YOU, BROTHER, SISTER, MOMMY & DADDY INSTEAD OF YOU, YOUR WIFE, AND FUTURE CHILDREN
Fellas it’s time to grow up. Your woman is looking for you to assume your role as the priest of your home. If you’re unwilling to do that and you’re psychologically or emotionally in a space where you want to be “taken care of” …..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
2. YOU’VE BEEN A “PLAYA” FOR 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR AND YOU THINK MARRIAGE WILL MIRACULOUSLY MAKE YOU MONOGAMOUS
Come on “Sun”….don’t get stuck on the numbers you are too bright for that. LOL. We are creatures of habit and unfortunately you’ve created a deeply embedded behavioral pattern that makes it practically impossible to flip the switch to fidelity. If you’re trusting in your “magical” ability to make an instantaneous shift…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
3. YOU THINK LIFE AFTER “I DO” MEANS 15% WITH YOUR WIFE AND 85% WITH YOUR “BOYS”
I know you enjoy choppin’ it up with the fellas….which is cool BUT building anything (i.e. business, gaming, fantasy football, and oh..your relationship) requires time, attention, and patience. Being married is about building your marriage. If you are unwilling to dramatically alter the aforementioned ratio…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
4. YOU ONLY WANT A MRS.
Gentlemen, WAKE THE HELL UP!!!! In case you haven’t noticed women everywhere are gettin’ their hustle on and demonstrating that they have been and always will be able to be more than JUST A WIFE. By no means am I minimizing the role of a wife…I’m just saying that if you expect your woman to ONLY be a Mrs. till death do you part, you are in for a rude awakening and…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. It’s 2011 and women are out here gettin’ it.
5. ANOTHER WOMAN’S VAGINA IS IN YOUR MOUTH OR WRAPPED AROUND YOUR PENIS THE DAY BEFORE YOUR WEDDING
We’re all grown right?….Let me make it plain…YOU CAN’T DANCE IN THE WATER AND NOT GET WET”! How many times have you heard somebody saying “this is the last time”…only to find themselves saying “this is the last time” 1 week later? I know what you’re thinking….”But it’s the Bachelor Party”…right? Let me tell you this…Every man that I know that has humped someone else the night before has continued humping someone else during marriage….which has consequently led to relationship DRAMA. If the last minute “jump off” is that important….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
6. NOTHING IS EVER UP FOR DISCUSSION
If you think your voice, opinions, suggestions, or ideas are the ONLY ones worthy of being heard and implemented in your relationship, YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. Your woman ain’t having that. Relationships are about an exchange of ideas…NOT blind obedience to one persons’ truth. Your woman is not your pet.
7. YOU BELIEVE THE WOMAN YOU’RE MARRYING TODAY IS THE WOMAN YOU’RE GONNA BE SPENDING YOUR LIFE WITH TOMORROW
Although I’m figuratively using today and tomorrow, I want to drive home the literal point that PEOPLE CHANGE. Life is about transformation and reaching a higher level of consciousness. Your wife has a path in life that she’s been charged to follow. If you demand that she stand still and be the “same person” for the rest of your lives….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
8. YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE PRIORITY
If yall have the fortune to be blessed with child, please know that you’re gonna take the back seat to the baby for about 1 year. Don’t worry it’s normal. If you are unwilling to “fall back” and allow your wife to bond with your newborn…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
9. YOU DEMAND THE SEX BE ON DEMAND
Actually it is….at the push of a button that is. LOL. On the real tho’ your lady probably won’t “drop it like it’s hot” just because you ask and ya’ll are married now. Don’t get me wrong….married sex is the most amazing sex you can have (if you’re really connected with her). But if you demand the sex be on demand after you jump the broom…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
10 YOU DON’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE MOST REWARDING FEELING YOU’VE EVER FELT BEFORE….LOVE
All I can say is your relationship will “grow you up” and give you a gift like you’ve never had before. You relationship will give you the healing, rejuvenating, resuscitating, refreshing, and replenishing feelings of love IF YOU ALLOW IT. If you are not ready to work on yourself and work on your relationship so you can reap the benefits of becoming one….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.