Help! Depressed & Alone: My Husband Plays Video Games 98% Of The Time When He’s Home

by Black Love And

in Communication,Love & Marriage,Quality Time

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By Team BLAM

We have hundreds of questions waiting to be answered and from time to time we share the question with you our wonderful insightful readers. :-) Please take a minute to respond to this wife who is considering leaving her husband. This question has not been altered at all. We give it to you the way it comes to us….

My now husband and I have been together for 4 1/2yrs and married 3 of them. We have a daughter together and I have a daughter of a previous relationship and we are currently expecting a 3rd. We have issues of communicating. Its like I live in a house alone most of the time with the exception of the girls (Kids). He’s in the military and has been deployed last year which somewhat I think has effected him but he is worse than he was before. He plays this online video game 98% of his time at home. I have to rant and go on and on to get attention so it seems. We don’t talk really unless its about the kids or when we’re coming or going from work. I am honestly tired of it. Would it be wrong of me if I left? I’ve expressed my feelings about his excessive gaming, he won’t stop. I feel ultimatums are pointless and will only create rebellion. I feel like I don’t know him and we are just in the same house together but the only time we seem to connect is when we have sex which is now a rare occasion as well. HELP! I’m depressed and feel alone. I have no idea what to do anymore.

BLAM Fam, Help this wife out. I’m sure she’s refreshing her page every few minutes as she waits for some answers.

We can all do our small part. It can make a huge difference in someone’s life.

Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

adie December , 2012 at

Why is everyone thinking its alright for the man of the house play video games to "take out his stress" Is this healthy?? Well then how did the men take out their stress back in those days ?! maybe chop some wood go for a run fix the roof i dont know something healthy! Games are not ok ! Even for kids , makse then stupider. Whats wrong with people these days !? My husband starts playing right after work till he cant keep his eyes open. He is all nerves and temper , cant see or hear me exept when he 'commands' me to bring him food ,or something that needs to be done, after all he earns the money . The baby can fall down and scream but he wont budge , exept holler at me to shut the baby up. Please dont be so heartless and say that thats normal. Its driving me INSANE.I act sweet and obedient but i dont think i can last long.I wish someone could help!! I feel sometimes like im on the verge of a mental breakdown. I dont want to be a stay at home mother whats the point ? its like im single! or his mom that just does the cooking cleaning but also the sex . My dreams of a marriage with love and understatement all went down the drain life sucks . Im going to work and going to have a life because if i see this picture much longer in my bedroom i will go crazy.


silver branches July , 2012 at

Oh and by the way, it's no help to say "maybe you should take an interest in the game." Why? He plays the game compulsively. It's not something that needs more encouragement. We are not talking about a healthy individual who plays a couple games after work to decompress, or plays a couple nights a week for "alone" or "guy time." We are talking about someone whose life is wrapped up in a game. I don't think most of the commenters on this post understand what it is like to be a third wheel in a marriage, where the primary members are the man and the computer. It's NOT OK, It DOESN'T go away by itself or get better, It's NOT something they grow out of, and usually talking about it does NOT help. Even if the man is good hearted and has all the intentions of cutting back, he doesn't, because he is obsessed and addicted to the game. We are talking about men who ignore their children because they don't want to be interrupted. We are talking about men who won't lift a finger to fix their own plate because they're absorbed in the game. Just thought I'd add that, I'm sorry that people are not understanding what you're going through.


silver branchese July , 2012 at

Wow I'm amazed at some of the responses here. I know I'm a latecomer but I just wanted to say that I feel for you. Maybe the reason people are being so hard on you is because your husband is military and has been deployed. That is a situation that I haven't had to deal with. And while I have great respect for him and understand he may be having trouble coping, you, your kids, and your relationship matter too. He can't just throw all of that away because he has been through hardships. I can however relate to the video-game playing husband. I have a husband who plays video games nonstop. Forget about our relationship – our daughter doesn't even know him. He plays games all night, sleeps all morning and then plays more games. When he comes out to leave for work in the afternoon, she thinks he is coming to play with her and she runs down the sidewalk after his car. It's heartbreaking. There is too much hurt and damage to relationships all around to just keep ignoring the problem. I don't know what the solution is but just wanted to say I understood. I've thought a lot about how to handle this and I think I am going to shut the internet off, and possibly take the keyboard and mouse off the computer and put them in storage somewhere. Maybe I'll get rid of the entire computer. Sure, he'll be mad, but he's a good man underneath and I think he'll quickly realize what he's missing out on. I love him too much to give up on him or leave. I have to do all I can to try to fix this – and to do what's best for him. He's so smart and has so many dreams, and he wastes all of them in front of the computer. This is just my opinion – if you love someone you do what you have to do to get them well even if they hate you for it. I know I can't change him but I can try to get him to wake up. Well those are just my thoughts, and maybe they will be no help. But at least know that I understand. It's a lonely life being second place to a machine.


charice October , 2011 at

As a wife of a , disabled vet I say let him play if it makes him happy! You have no idea what he saw while he was deployed or what he went through. I'm speaking as a wife whose husband has PTSD whose husband sits for hours playing VIDEO games! I was just like you at one point angry confused, & lonely that is until I sat and talked to him and asked why he played video games so much. His response was "so that I can get out of my head because most of the time i'm depressed." Do you all go to church? Do you have a pastor or older couple you can talk to? Has he been evaluated for PTSD? Try sitting down and playing the game with him sometimes. Get him some help it sounds like he may be depressed or struggling with his thoughts.


Tasha A Richardson October , 2011 at

part II

Sorry, no offense to anyone all of the talking in the world from his wife will not help because she can not relate. The only I am saying this because I am a mother of three and I have down two tours. The last one was almost a year long. When we return we feel left out…you have a routine and we are not part of it. Many spouse do not do a good job of trying to reintergrate the deployed spouse back or they try to do too much too soon. Yes, you may have been taking care of this family solo for so long but we haven't. So, many guys have told me that their wives will say "its your turn" when they arrive home. That is not the brightest idea!!! On top of that she is pregnant again…this only adds to the stress for both of them. I have the same problem with my husband. All he want to do is sit around in play video games. There is a time for fun and there is a time for business. I draw the line when my children are neglected. I suggest that you seek outside help to get to know one another over again.


Tasha A Richardson October , 2011 at

A deployment is not a reason to retreat. If he has problems with the deployment or things that he had done/seen/herd he needs to seek professioneal attention.


Danyale October , 2011 at

Going off into the bedroom makes him feel that youre arent interested in his interests and making his gaming seem insignificant makes him feel like you think that he is insignificant. My husband is actually playing his game now! I respect what he likes to do to relax and I think you should try looking at it that way too. If after you've tried to get involved, he still ignores you. Try counseling, if that doesnt work, at least you can say that you fought for your marriage instead of just quitting. BOL! :)


Danyale October , 2011 at

As a new military wife, I understand this completely. My husband also plays his online video game. At first I hated it, I wanted his attention. I realized that video ga,es were his outlet and I started to become interested in hs game. I tell him when to shoot and he actually depends on my eyes sometimes. I think that you should be a little bit more supportive. Deployment is no joke, I'm a vet too so I understand it from his side also. He needs you to understand that and it may be hard for him to vocalize it. Leaving him would be ver selfish. Try to get involved in that part of his life. Get him some snacks, sit next to him and when he's not actively engaging in the game ask him, what are doing? Show a genuine interest. Marvel at his hand-eye coordination. Sit at his side and "help" him play. Dont talk his ear off but be there.


Jamedra September , 2011 at

This may seem juvenile and simple but could be a way "in" – ask him to teach you to play. it is said that women talk face to face, while men communicate side by side. Please don't come with the attitude, I'm only playing this so you'll talk to me. You may have some fun. Also talk to military wives who may have gone through the same thing. Or military people who have come home from combat. Sometimes. you have no idea of the post traumatic stress from the things they've seen. Maybe he needs someone to talk to and that someone may not be you. But, let him know that you are there to talk when he's ready. & Let him know that you enjoy his company rather than expressing your irritation by the absence of it.
Could he be stressed about the addition to the family? Remember, men feel it is their duty to provide, if he is worried about his ability to do that, it could be weighing on him. Above all decide to be happy with or with or without him. Do some things you enjoy without him if you have to. The health of this baby depends on it.


Briana @ 20&Engaged September , 2011 at

I can definitely feel your pain, but hold on! Video games, 9 times out of 10, are a way that he's taking out his stress. Sit and have a conversation with him. Ask him what's wrong, what he's going through, why he's stressed and why he's retreating. If you need some more help with the kids, ask him for some help. Make time for the both of you to reconnect and spend some time together. There's nothing worse than feeling like a roommate instead of a wife. Ultimatums can seen a little farfetched but it can also put into perspective for your husband what you need in life.
My recent post Finance Friday: Is Moving a Good Idea?


introspektd123 September , 2011 at

The feeling of being abandoned is very powerful. The sub-feelings that come along with it can be the driving force towards depression. On top of it, right now your body is overexerting itself by making life. Sis, I am praying for your strength. I was in your shoes less than one year ago and although my baby is 9 months and we are still together there are days where the simple reminder on top of the "issue" not being totally resolved makes me want to pack him up and send him on his way. I will say this from a regretful standpoint. The first 6 months of my pregnancy I was emotionally drained. I am sure my sun is a thinker because of all I did during that time but I am also sure I transferred ill will and negative vibrations to him about his father. For this reason alone I am asking you to try your absolute best to return the focus back to you. If you are not keeping a journal right now get one. If you haven't made a dream board, make one. Include the family on it when you do (if possible). If you haven't written down what your personal "mission" statement is then do it. If you haven't written down where you would like the relationship to look like, do that. Read as much as you can and as often as you can. Enjoy the whole essence of music, movies, and time out with friends and family. Drink white tea (which will help you once you deliver) and by all means know and understand that right now there is alot going on. Internally, externally and everywhere around you. Hubby probably doesn't know how to communicate especially when life changes and since that happens everyday its possible you may need to have a "come to jesus" meeting. But PLEASE REMEMBER THIS TOO SHALL PASS. May the Creator keep you right now sistaqueen!


Patricia Knight September , 2011 at

I feel for you, Sweetie. I get it that you're lonely and depressed. Pregnancy is not the best time to be making decisions about your marriage, however. There should be no question that you are to remain with your husband.

I would suggest that you firm up the kids schedule, so that you get a break (naps and early bedtimes can work wonders!). Find time in each day to rest and do something you enjoy. Your sisters or good girlfriends can be very helpful to you. They provide company, a listening ear, and will babysit, too. Give your husband a break; he's going through some things (just as you are).

Once you get your perspective of things right, you will have more empathy for your husband. At that point you can cuddle up to the brother, while you let him play his game.

Trouble don't last always.


Tamisha September , 2011 at

This is only a test of your marriage. Your husband will not be playing games forever but as of right now he is probably using video games as an outlet because, with most men, they need time to clear their mind and think some things through. Maybe you should try taking an interest in the game. Have him show you how to play and I am sure you will spark some communication because you two have to talk in order for him to explain the game to you. Don't talk about personal problems during the game just enjoy this time with him and be positive and have a good attitude.


guest September , 2011 at

why leave your husband at a time when he probably needs you most? that's childish. during his deployment he most likely saw/heard some pretty horrific things. marriage isn't about how much you can take from your spouse it's about giving. ask yourself when was the last time you expressed appreciation for what he does and has done for you and your children? have you told him how much you admire his dedication to his country? expressed admiration for his willingness to sacrifice his life for you and every other american? it's hard for most of us women to believe but sometimes our men have things on their minds that are so much bigger than us. maybe you need to stop thinking selfishly and stop ranting. create a safe zone for him to open up to you his wife about what could have him wanting to escape reality. think about it this way: if his military reality is warfare then he comes back to warfare in his home where is his safety to just live? it's your job as his wife to provide him comfort not conflict. put your needs to the side and see where you can supply his needs. he will be grateful for it and will respect you more. give the man some relief show your support for him and he will give it back!


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