By Aiyana Ma’at
Far too often it is believed that women, generally speaking, are ready to be married, understand what marriage is all about, and have some sort of special insight when it comes to love, relationships, and…..marriage. Well, I’m here today to clear up that erroneous notion. In the work that I do with my husband coaching & counseling and teaching relationship education classes, I see just as many women who have absolutely no idea what marriage is all about—-none. So, after my husband wrote his piece titled Gentleman, You Are Not Ready To Get Married IF… , we received a flood of emails saying “Ok, so what’s up with the ladies?!” Good question.
So, here’s your answer…Ladies, You Are Not Ready To Get Married IF…
1. …you have a thousand and one things to say, think about, and contemplate when talking about your wedding and are pretty much deaf, dumb, & mute when it comes to talking about your marriage.
I remember asking a sister friend when she and her hubby to be were going to be starting their pre-marital counseling. This dummy (…yup Dummy, and I’m saying it in love…lol.) who truly knew better is gon’ say: “Girrrl, planning for the wedding is taking up all my free time! It’s crazy. We decided we’ll get around to it after the wedding and all the hoop-la dies down.” Seriously? Get your priorities in check girlfriend. Some things should just naturally take precedence and pre-marital counseling is a non-negotiable necessity. Planning a wedding is exciting and all consuming—I get it. But, if all you can find time for is the color of the table linen and whether you should have salmon or trout I hate to break it to you but YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
2. …you’re consciously or subconsciously looking for a “father figure” to fill up the hole left in your heart by the Daddy who was absent from your life emotionally or physically as a young child.
When you have unfinished business in your heart and mind that hasn’t been attended to, it has a way of coloring every thing, place, and person you come into contact with. There are a lot of women dating truly good men and yet they don’t know it. They complain, criticize, and penalize men for any and everything they do that doesn’t meet their exact expectations. Why? Because, they are mad as hell. Mad at who though? You guessed it—-their Daddy who didn’t do his job. So, it doesn’t really matter what a man does—it will never be enough and for that my dear YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED
3. …you the boss, you running things, and “you ain’t having it!” (whatever “it” is”)
Look, I will keep it real with ya’ll. I am a leader. I can be bossy. I am quick to have an opinion and can truly be a self-centered pain in the a*! I’m a Leo. #NuffSaid 😉 But, after having been in relationship with the same man for almost 17 years what I have learned & know for absolute sure is this: There is only room for 1 man up in here. Seriously, so many times, we women (especially us “modern, I got my own, I’m doing me” sistas) sabotage our men’s ability to be men. Men, especially black men, want and need to be and feel respected, respected, and oh, did I say respected? If the thought of compromising, deferring, and taking someone else’s perspective into consideration makes you feel ill YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
4. …you think sex is a desire and not a need, an option and not a requirement in marriage.
Yes, sex is a requirement of marriage. If you have issues around sex—fine. If you just simply have a low libido—-fine. If you are really particular about how and when it happens—fine. My question to you is this: Are you willing to press through your limitations and inhibitions so that you can meet the needs of someone other than yourself? If there is *dead silence* and a *blank stare” right now YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
5. …you don’t know what your needs and expectations are let alone how to communicate them to someone else.
When I counsel women who are struggling in their marriages I start by asking two questions: #1 What’s wrong, in other words, what’s not working? And, of course, I get a laundry list of all of the things that are failing in their relationship, all the things their husband is doing and not doing to make their marriage a mess. I literally have to cut them off….like, ok, I get the point. But, then I ask the second question: What do you need from hubby, yourself, the world, etc. to make it work? Nine times out of 10—and I’m not exaggerating—there is silence followed by a whisper…”I don’t know”. Before you commit your life to another make it your business to know what your needs and expectations are! For those who can be honest & say I really don’t know at this point in my life YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
6. …you know deep down inside that the relationship you’re in is not fulfilling, compatible, or fun but you’re getting older and you’re afraid you won’t find anyone better.
Where’s your faith? Do you know that what is for you really is for you? There’s nothing worse than waking up one morning after 1,3, 5, 10, or 20 years of marriage and looking over at your spouse and saying out loud “My God, what have I done?” You will save yourself from far more heartache and pain waiting for your King than to get hitched to someone out of fear of being alone. So, if you’re in the middle of planning your wedding right now, yeah YOU, and you know the shoe fits you should consider this Divine Intervention because there’s something you really need to know…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
7. 99.9% of your self esteem comes from “the idea of” being married, having kids, raising a family, etc.
Look, I’m a wife and a mom, and as open minded as I tend to be in a lot of things—I’ve got a very traditional side to me. I love being a wife and a mommy. I love the thought of it and what I think it represents to the world. I love having a husband to protect and provide for me. I love cooking for him, my family, and I even like the term “wifely duties”. Lol. But, at the end of the day when all is said and done I look to none of those things to derive my self esteem. “I am” because God says “I am”. I’m good enough just because I exist. I love my family to death but they couldn’t give me that kind of deep abiding self worth if they tried. Only my relationship and identification with The Most High does that for me. Whew! #ImBoutToShoutUpInHere So, if there still remains a boat load of work left for you to do on your sense of self please hear me when I say YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
8. you’re doing it because everybody else is doing it.
Really, though? Monkey see, Monkey do? So, not only are you not ready to get married but you also ain’t ready to drive a car, own a puppy, watch R rated movies….you get the point. Stop doing stuff just because other people are doing it. You have a whole loT of work to do. So, grow the hell up already and make sure to write this down copy cat: YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
9. your girls, your mama, your cousins and nem’ are the highest priority in your life and you don’t see a darn thing wrong with that at all.
Look, leave and cleave isn’t just for the menfolk. It applies to you too. If you think you might go insane if you can’t tell your family every little thing that happens in your marriage you ain’t ready. If your knees start shakin at the thought of having to politely but firmly set down some “new rules and boundaries” with family after you get married (i.e., they can’t just pop up over the house anymore like they used to!) YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
10. YOU ARE STILL MARRIED!!!
I kid you not. I have known quite a few women who have separated from their spouses, started new relationships, say they are in love and that the new guy is “so different” This all happens so fast that they barely have enough time to get a dag on divorce. They find themselves planning a new wedding (not marriage) while in the middle of going through the divorce process. S.M.D.H Do I really need to say it? Do I? Allright, say it with me: YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.
Aiyana Ma’at is the wife of Ayize Ma’at, mom of 4, and co-founder and owner of this website, BlackLoveAndMarriage.com, as well as PurposePusher.com. Aiyana is a Seeker, Motivator, Risk Taker, Explorer, & Overcomer. She is a self-described PurposePusher and does her best to live her life with self-awareness and intention. Some of her official titles include licensed psycho-therapist, certified marriage educator & relationship coach and speaker. She is clear that a part of the call on her life is to help bring insight and awareness to others so that they can “get out of their own way” and create the lives they want to have.