If you don’t understand what is important for the opposite sex, you won’t realize how much you you may be hurting your partner. A lot of times we are so caught up in how we’re feeling that we fail to truly communicate in a way that our partner can really hear us or in a way that they sincerely feel heard, validated, and supported. Because women and men’s primary love needs are different, we don’t instinctively anticipate each other’s needs. Let’s take a look at some of the mistakes men & women commonly make excerpted from world renowned relationship expert John Gray. Take notes and put what you learn into action.
Mistakes Women Commonly Make:
- She tries to improve his behavior or help him by offering unsolicited advice. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because she doesn’t trust him anymore.
- She tries to change or control his behavior by sharing her upset or negative feelings. (It’s ok to share feelings but not when they attempt to manipulate or punish.) Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because she doesn’t accept him as he is.
- She doesn’t acknowledge what he does for her but complains about what he has not done. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels taken for granted and unloved because she doesn’t appreciate what he does.
- She corrects his behavior and tells him what to do, as if her were a child. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because he doesn’t feel admired.
- She expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like “How could you do that?”. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because he feels she has taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.
- When he makes decisions or takes initiative she corrects or criticizes him. Why he doesn’t feel loved: He feels unloved because she does not encourage him to do things on his own.
Mistakes Men Commonly Make:
- He doesn’t listen, gets easily distracted, doesn’t ask interested or concerned questions. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he is not attentive or showing that he cares.
- He takes her feelings literally and corrects her. He thinks she is asking for solutions so he gives advice. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he doesn’t understand her.
- He listens but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him or for bringing him down. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he doesn’t respect her feelings.
- He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children or work more important. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he is not devoted to her and doesn’t honor her as special.
- When she is upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not be upset. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels unloved because he doesn’t validate her feelings but instead makes her feel wrong and unsupported.
- After listening he says nothing or just walks away. Why she doesn’t feel loved: She feels insecure because she doesn’t get the reassurance she needs.
We often fail each other because we instinctively give what we want. But, we need to learn what our partner wants. When we take the time to learn the opposite sex and more specifically our partner we will succeed in having the kind of relationship we want and deserve.