By Leslie Cane
I’m sometimes contacted by wives and asked questions like: “My husband has made it very clear that he doesn’t love me anymore. He told me he is considering a divorce which I definitely don’t want. For the most part, we are compatible and don’t argue or fight. It’s not that we have huge issues to overcome. It’s just that he’s convinced himself that he no longer loves me. Is there any way that I can make him love me again? Because I feel sure that if he could get the feelings back then we could be very happy. But, for whatever reason, he now believes that he’s just not “in love” with me anymore. How can I change his mind?”
Of course, these are very loaded questions. The answers depend upon the people involved and the situation. However, there are very often common themes that come up time and time again in these situations. And many of these things can be worked out as long as one spouse is willing and able to make some very concentrated efforts to change and improve things. In the following article, I will discuss various ways that I’ve seen wives successfully make their husbands fall back in love with them. (It might be better to use the word encourage as the “make” sounds like you are forcing someone to do something.)
You Can Sometimes Make Your Husband Love You Again By Changing The Way That He Feels About Himself: I know that that phrase may sound a bit strange but please hear me out. Yes, when you are your husband met there was chemistry. Your personalities blended and there were things about you that he adored and vice verse. These things likely did not go away.
And consider this. When you first met and were “falling in love,” part of the reason that this happened was because you made each other feel special, loved, unique, and understood. In short, he made you feel as though you were a better person. He saw something special in you. The same is true for him. You made him feel desirable, heard, blessed, and adored. This can make you feel as though you on top of the world, which is why “falling in love” is absolute bliss.
That’s not to say that you don’t or didn’t have special qualities that matched up perfectly with his. You did. But a big part of what came out of this was the fact that the feelings between you made each person feel that much better about themselves. As a result, every one was on their best behavior because no one wanted to put a dent in what was happening. So, the good behavior, enhanced self esteem, and feeling special were all things that fed on themselves to continue the cycle.
But, after you have been married for a while, sometimes some part of life gets in the way of this cycle. And, as a result, the way that your husband feels about himself, his life, and the world around him might also change. As a result of all these things, he might perceive that his feelings about you have changed as well. But, what he hasn’t yet realized is that a huge part of this is that his feelings about himself have very drastically changed (which is often a big part of the problem.) He likely no longer feels as though he is on top of the world. He may no longer feel adored or special.
Many husbands tell me that they now feel like “providers” rather than “lovers.” They will often tell me things like: “I used to make my wife laugh like no one else. She used to listen to me for hours. Today, our conversations are about our house, our kids, and our jobs. Many of these things are related to chores and obligations, which doesn’t invoke nearly as much laughter. I miss it, but I’m afraid it’s gone for good.”
I believe that the real key in making him love you again is making your actions and your behaviors once again influence how he feels about himself. In this way, his feelings then transfer back to how he feels about you. So how do you do this? You change your focus and your priorities until you see some meaningful improvements. You return to that light hearted, flirty, funny, happy go lucky girl who always had time to listen to him, laugh with him, and to show him how much he meant to you. Wives often tell me that this is going to feel awkward and they think that it might be too late for this. But at least commit to giving this a try. What is the worst thing that can happen? What husband is not going to enjoy more attention and efforts?
With these things said though, you want to be able to act in a genuine way. Insincerity is insulting and will usually fall flat. If you get to a a point where you fear that you’re coming off as fake, back up just a little bit. This needs to be a gradual process anyway because you want for it to contribute to real and meaningful changes.
If You Don’t Love Yourself (And Conduct Yourself With Confidence And Respect,) Getting Your Husband To Love You Again May Be More Difficult: You know the old saying “you can’t give away what you don’t have?” Well, that saying is very relevant when you are trying to restore your husband’s love. The perceptions that you’re giving off right now are so important. If you even allude to the fact that you don’t think you’re lovable or good enough for him, then he is most certainly going to pick up on this.
You must portray quiet confidence that you are the right woman for him and that he will eventually come to know this, even if that means taking a break or backing off for a while. I know that it can be so tempting to repeatedly ask for reassurance or to ask what you might need to do get him to love you again, but all of these things can diminish your worth in his eyes and might only make the problem worse. Right now, you really need to take care of yourself and set it up so that you can in good faith put a smile on your face. If you have to fake this at first (until you gain more confidence) then consider doing so.
You need to portray the best, most confident and alluring version of yourself while you are focusing on the other part of the plan. Yes, I know that your circumstances have changed and that you don’t have the kind of free time that you used to have. But, I am fairly certain that your basic human needs have not changed. Always remember that husbands and wives really do want the same things. Everyone wants to feel loved. Everyone wants to feel heard and appreciated. And every one wants to feel special. If you can incorporate these basic needs into your actions, I strongly suspect you will see some drastic improvements.
The woman that he fell in love with hasn’t gone anywhere. She was probably staring back at you in the mirror this morning. She may be discouraged. She may be tired. She may be hurting. But, she’s still there. It’s just time to dust her off, pick her up, and reintroduce her to your husband.
It’s very easy to feel insecure, to worry, and to make finding a way to get him to love you again your sole purpose. But I strongly feel (from experience) that there’s a better way. It took me entirely too long too learn it, but I eventually did. And it helped me save my marriage. I was eventually able to restore my husband’s love and to not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
Leslie Cane’s blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com. She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others