By Aiyana Ma’at
One of the best things I’ve learned to do to get my feelings out (especially when I’m feeling a whole lot) when I’m upset with Ayize is this: Write A Love Letter. It may seem counterintuitive. I mean when you’re mad or disappointed who feels like writing a Love Letter, right? I certainly don’t…but it works so I do it anyway. So, just how does it work and what does it do? Well, it does 3 things.
#1 It helps me to release (and stop holding onto) all of the feelings I’m having.
If you’re anything like me you can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. When I’m mad…I’m not kinda mad. I’m UPSET and I can run through whatever happened, how wrong my husband is, and why i’m so upset a million times in my head…over and over. It’s not helpful and it sure ain’t healthy but it has become a habit (a bad one) and so to interrupt the vicious cycle of “I’m mad, I have a right to be mad, and let me tell you why” playing like a broken record in my head I write so that I can just put my feelings down on paper, get them out, and see them in front of me. There’s something about seeing your pain on paper that helps to bring perspective to whether or not a feeling is what I say it is or whether or not it goes deeper than that (meaning Ayize has kicked up something in me but the feeling really goes deeper than what he said or did.
#2 It allows my husband to really get into my heart and mind and understand my perception of the situation and where I’m coming from.
He usually can do that much easier when I write a Love Letter letter because he doesn’t have to deal with my tone of voice (which may not be the best and ultimately doesn’t help him understand me) or having to answer me right away. He can sit with what I’ve written for a little while so that he can give his best response instead of responding defensively or critically.
#3 It always and I mean always helps me to get beyond my anger and move to where and why I’m hurt.
It never fails I usually begin my letter with the feelings that are easier for me to identify: “I’m mad because…” I’m upset because…” but it’s not long before I begin to tap into the deeper places in my heart and my pen begins to write : ” I love you so much because…” or “I’m hurt because… ” or “I need you because…”
Plain and simple writing a Love Letter when you’re mad as hell is the way out of that hell of emotions and back into the love and peace that you really want and need. To find our loving feelings, many times we need to first feel all our negative feelings. Writing Love Letters automatically lessens the intensity of our negative feelings and allows us to more fully experience our positive feelings. Here are some guidelines for writing your Love Letter.
- Address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or she is listening to you with love and understanding.
- Include all of the feelings you are feeling…anger, sadness, fear, regret, and then love.
- After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Write about that feeling.
- DO NOT stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait for the love to come out.
- Sign your name at the end. Take a few minutes to think about what you need or want. Write it in a P.S. For example, P.S. I need to know that you still enjoy being my friend and being with me like when we first got together. I want to spend more time together starting with a date this weekend.
Nothing happens on accident. If you’re reading this then you very likely need to get to writing! And, don’t forget to write until you get to the L-O-V-E! Stop Playing Start Pushing.