VIDEO: Steve Harvey Shares The Best Way To Get Your Man To Go To The Doctor.

By Team BLAM

In this behind the scenes interview of Steve Harvey on the Dr. Oz show, Steve talks about how to motivate your man to take care of himself and what his wife does with him. It’s sooo simple ya’ll. We, wives, have more tools than we realize. In fact, his advice can be transferred to a lot of areas in our relationships when we want our spouse to be more open, willing, or cooperative. Check it out and leave a comment with your thoughts.

Can I Tell You About The Time I Almost Lost My Smile?

By Al- Lateef

There were two days that I didn’t smile. Never. Not one grin, not once did I show all 32. I didn’t smirk, I didn’t even laugh. As a matter of fact, I didn’t watch television, listen to music and had no contact with the outside world. I was half past 30 and still smarting from the loss of my great-grandparents and the fact that Valentine’s Day was a few days away illuminated many of my fractured relationships. I was a broken man with three types of vodka, a bucket of fried chicken and a couple of grape sodas.

Yeah, I almost lost my smile.

I was beating myself up and calling the police telling life was the culprit, when life had done nothing to me that it hadn’t done to anyone else. Who was I to think I was so special that life zeroed in on me to wreak havoc? Why should I be immune to what I witnessed and advised others through? I guess I thought I would be exempt from the problems of the world, if I lived in my own world. Boy was I wrong…and stupid!

Somewhere between the second and third bottle of liquor and my last piece of chicken I stopped. Then I cried. I cried like all three times I was told one of my grandparents died. The tears had no end in sight, so I sat in the shower for hours to hide them, from who I don’t know. As that water washed over me and tears escaped me, I deconstructed who I was at the time and realized that was not who I had always been. My frustration with an inability to change the past shaded the fact that I had the power to construct my future. It was the most simple of lessons I’ve ever learned, but had totally forgotten in my current state.

I couldn’t change the fact that I didn’t eat dinner with my family that Thanksgiving when my great-grandmother passed or the fact that I was too busy to answer my great-grandfather’s calls during the last few games of the Mets winning streak before he died. However, I could work at repairing the fractures in the relationship with my mother; I could identify a growing problem with alcohol and relate my womanizing directly to the dysfunction of my father/son relationship.

Yeah, maybe I’m just like father…

Most of my life I always wanted to be better than my father, regardless of the situation, but here I was repeating some of his actions and compounding them with a set of issues exclusive to me. So I cried some more and looked deeper into my life to see where I went wrong, trying to peel through over 10,000 days to determine where it went sour. Wait, that’s the wrong approach. More tears and the hot water left long ago, but I couldn’t move. There was no one incident that led me to the bottom of that shower, so I couldn’t expect one answer to how I was going to stand up and walk out of that bathroom.

It was at that moment I did something that I had not done in a long time, I prayed. I prayed a prayer of forgiveness and redemption. I prayed for answers to questions I didn’t know, direction to a place I once knew existed, happiness. I prayed for peace in my heart, my mind and in my life. I didn’t ask for immediate help, I prayed that in time my wounds would heal, because in all of my mess I knew change didn’t come overnight. And for the first time in days, I smiled. I smiled like I just discovered I had teeth. I stood up and smiled as my tears shut off and the hot water returned.

Just as my life became a metaphor, it also became a challenge. My mom always says that change isn’t change until you change and for the next year or so I had to work at being a better me. I had that conversation with God, who I thought I left at my grandmother’s house, but didn’t follow through on my end of the bargain for quite some time. I made baby steps and smiled. I had setbacks and smiled. I made a giant leap and grinned like a Cheshire cat. I smiled through pain, I smiled through joy, I smiled when I was helpless and smiled when I had the strength to sustain ten men. It didn’t matter what I was up against, I learned to face it all and continue to smile, despite the circumstances. Yes, these days I’m smiling often, I’ve repaired my relationships with God, my mother and myself, I’m married to a beautiful woman and curbed that desire for vodka. My smile is love, it’s peace, it’s joy and I’ve learned it is also pain, emptiness and sorrow.

That was the time I almost lost my smile.

Al-Lateef: Between rhetoric and reality is where you’ll find The World According to Teef.   Social commentary rooted in independent thought that’s unfiltered, uncensored, unforgiving, but never unreal!

Stop Acting Deaf, Dumb, Blind, And Stupid….YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT

By Ilex Bien-Aime
When it comes to dating human beings are either blind, deaf, dumb, stupid, or are insane. Something has got to be seriously wrong with us because it seems as if we make the same foolish decisions time and time again. Maybe we are just gluttons for punishment, clearly broken hearts just don’t quite hurt enough.

The average human being is born with two functioning eyes. This gives us the ability to see and react to things that are going on around us. What I am starting to realize is that, though most of us have physical sight, we remain mentally blind. Let’s be honest, we have seen enough in our lifetimes not to make certain decisions as they relate to dating and yet we still make them. I read an article in Essence Magazine not to long ago about a woman who had gone out on a date with a guy who did absolutely everything to sabotage the date and what did she do, she slept with him. Long story short, she left the guys house in tears because he was a jerk.

It’s one thing to be a teenager and even a young adult who makes stupid decisions. We all think that being used and abused could never happen to us, but come on people, I know folks well over thirty years old who are still doing the same stupid crap. It’s a little hard for people to feel sorry for you when you willing walk into a land mine field. One definition of being blind is to disregard evidence and sound logic. Another definition is that someone is not controlled by intelligence and reason. It’s understandable not to see a bad situation before hand, but to see a bad situation and run to it, is just foolish.

Most of us are not only blind but we are also deaf. It’s not that we are unable to hear, we hear just find. The problem is that we sometimes choose not to listen. I have friends who corner me just about every time I see them. They are always asking me about what some guy they are dating is thinking. Now grant it, I don’t know what’s in every guys mind but for the most part if a woman tells me something that a guy has said or done, I already know what he is thinking and/or is going to do. I know many people ask questions that they already know the answer to yet it is human to hope for a more positive answer than anticipated.

Sometimes you have to be willing to listen when your friends and family tell you something about the person you are dating. I know that we have this tendency to tell ourselves that our loved ones just don’t know the person and are on the outside looking in but let’s be honest. We often make excuses for our mates even when we know that our loved ones are telling us the truth about them. Many times people tell you exactly who they are and we choose not to listen to them and amazingly we are surprised when  we get hurt.

When we aren’t playing blind or deaf, we decide to play dumb. The real definition of dumb is someone who is not able to speak but we speak just fine. The real issue with us is that we are afraid to tell people what we want, need, and/or deserve. We are scared of what they are going to say or how they are going to react. So we sit in silence as we are mistreated and go unloved. People sometimes have this tendency to blame their mates for their not being happy and yet say nothing to them about it.

Even those closes to us have a tendency to play dumb. They know how we get when they try to tell us about our love interest. Someone could be beating you, cheating on you, or using you but let somebody tell you that they are and you will go months if not years without speaking to the messenger. People choose to clam up when you speak about your mate because they know that if they give an opinion, they will get all of your displaced wrath.

Let’s face it, when it comes to love, most people look stupid. Being stupid is showing a lack of normal intelligence or understanding but we understand just fine. We just choose to continue walking down dark paths. Some of us call this insanity but insanity by definition is mental illness or derangement. I can’t imagine that the world has so many insane people.

Look, you are not blind, deaf, dumb, stupid, or insane. Life is filled with choices and you have to choose to do what is best for you. When you see that something is not right, act upon it. Be willing to listen when people try to give sound advice because they love you and want you to be happy. Speak up when you are not being treated the way you feel you need to be treated. Lastly, stop acting stupid and/or insane because you aren’t. Show some love for yourself and people can’t help but love you and if they won’t love you, they will have no choice but to respect you.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.  Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com

Are We Ruining Our Women?

By Ilex Bien-Aime

I hear men complaining about damaged women all of the time. If you were to listen to most men, you would believe that we are always the correct and sane sex, while women  are crazy and always wrong. Too bad life is never really that black and white. Long before the book “Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus” was written, men and women knew that we could not have come from the same planet. In all honesty men and women really don’t see eye to eye on most subjects. At the same time though, we see and know more than we  let on that we see and know.

I’ve written before that “Men are Vultures” because like the bird, we like to attack what we consider to be weaker prey. Men love opportunity and we will pounce on you when you are at your weakest point. Unless a man has been hiding under a rock all of his life, he generally knows the biggest weaknesses of women. Like a trained boxer, if he sees a cut under your eye, he will keep punching at it so that he can exploit it. This is why I can’t defend men completely when women attack us for our misdeeds.

Back in the day men used to lie to women in order to get what they wanted. Over time we realized that there was no need to lie. We can now tell you the truth and still get the same results but without the negative names and labels that women used to apply to our deceit. At some point most women have heard “I am not looking for a serious relationship”. If you haven’t heard it, trust me you will. That is the famous clause that both men and women use however the “male lawyer mind” has perfected it.

Telling a woman that we are not looking for a serious relationship is our way of saying, just in case something goes wrong with this little “agreement” we have, you don’t have grounds to disrespect me or be upset because I told you so from the beginning. If you look back at my article, “Your Weaknesses Used Against You,” you will see I have written that men know exactly what we are doing when we tell you we are not looking for anything serious. We know that women tend to say that they are cool with this arrangement at first but the law of averages will tell you, that most women cannot handle It. The man thinks that because we can say “I told you so,” we are somehow exonerated.

Men, like women, love to be in relationships. The difference between the sexes is that at some point women tend to want one man and men tend to want many women with that main woman leading the pack. Men want the benefits of being in a relationship but do not want the responsibility of the relationship. So he is willing to take you out, come over  your house to watch “Love Jones,” and in many cases spend quality time with you doing whatever. He will unofficially be your man but trust me, he officially still believes that he is not your man.

Deep down fellas, we are ruining our women because we use what we know are their weaknesses against them, for our own selfish gain. If you know that women think a certain way and you still choose to do certain things, you should hold yourself accountable for your dishonesty. You are purposely riding this gravy train and in many cases are purposely being misleading. You really don’t care that she will be hurt in this, all you care about is getting what you can get for as long as you can get it.

I understand that this is frustrating for both sides. On one hand we are telling women the truth. One the other hand women claim to understand and maybe even believe that they can survive the “just friends” category, yet both sides are GUILTY! Men are guilty because we know the results of this game before we start to play and women are guilty for deciding to play and then screaming foul once the game gets heated.
For my future daughters, I hope that men will change and learn to be more responsible. At the same time, if men never change I write this so that my future daughters and other women will decide not to get caught up in this foolish game.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.  Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com

I Need To Stop Focussing On My Wife’s Faults And Instead Focus On Overcoming Mine

By Ilex Bien-Aime

I always strive to be transparent with my wife but I realized that maybe I am not being transparent with myself. Maybe it’s easier for me to point out all of the negative traits that she brings to the table and inadvertently gloss over my own. Could I be the one who has not  looked deeply enough into my own destructive patterns? Hopefully in stating my negative attributes, I will understand more how I sometimes cause and escalate some of the tense moments within my household.

I hate being wrong! This, I am sure, is no big surprise to people who know me. I always said that no one likes to be wrong, but I take it to the next level and it pains me to not be right. I will argue something to the death of it just to prove that I am right, even when I really don’t know that I am. I could try to make excuses for my way of thinking on this subject, but it does not matter. No one likes a supposed know-it-all.

I am moody! Sometimes I wake up on the “wrong side” of the bed. There are times when I just want to sit at home and do absolutely nothing and be by myself. You never really pay attention to these things before marriage because dating is different. When dating you call each other when you want to talk and you see each other when you want to see each other. Marriage is every day which leaves no way of hiding your mood swings. The funny thing about this is that I can’t stand moody people!

I am volatile! I do have a very short fuse or what I like to call a “short tolerance for bull crap”. I must admit that I can be quick to become angry and defensive about things. When I feel that someone is trying to attack me or take advantage of me, I attack back. I know that my wife loves me and does not want to cause me pain but I have not fully learned to shut this defense mechanism down. If I feel that she is coming at me wrong, I come back at her and at times the real issue has not been addressed. Being volatile is the way of a foolish man and I know it.

I have too much pride! We have already established that I hate being wrong. Sometimes my pride keeps me from shutting up and conceding. Even when I know myself to be right, my pride keeps me from leaving the matter alone because I am so busy trying to hammer the point home. I can’t lie, it pains me to have to say that I am sorry because that would mean that I did something wrong. The Bible speaks about the foolish pride of man and trust me, it is talking about ME. I don’t brag about this though, because it was pride that got Lucifer kicked out of heaven. Clearly, I need to do better.

I lack tolerance for others opinions! When my wife does not see things as I do, I tend to take it personally. In my mind I guess I feel that she should think exactly like me on everything even though reality lets me know otherwise. I have a certain code that I govern myself by and I guess in my narcissism I feel that she should know and live by that code also. Don’t get me wrong, more times than not my wife will find a compromise and/or understand my point as we talk but that still is not enough for me at times. I guess to me it’s like, “well I can’t believe that you felt that way from the beginning”.

I can’t let things go! People always say that in a marriage, you have to have a short memory. I can’t lie to you, my memory is like and Elephant’s memory……. on steroids! Sometimes I have the tendency to hold onto things that should have been resolved a while back. Even when I try to let these things go, my actions will show that I still have some type of negative feeling towards the situation. I guess I never realized how much I am like my grandmother. She was a very sensitive woman and sometimes she was overly sensitive.

I am sure that there are other things that can be said about my negative characteristics but these are the main focal points. I realize that I need to stop ignoring them and start working on them. I can’t harp on my wife’s faults –  I only have control over MY OWN actions. I have to recognize the wrong that I bring to the table and correct those wrongs. It’s not just about my relationship with my wife but also about my relationship with God. Some will judge what I have written and shake their heads in disapproval and in some ways will be justified. I write this so that other people will start evaluating themselves and maybe begin realizing what they are doing wrong on a personal level. An alcoholic will never stop drinking if he does not first realize that he is an alcoholic just as a couple will never understand each other if they first do not understand themselves.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.

The Worst Sex Talk Ever…

By E. Payne

There is one way in which I feel I am failing my son miserably. In the birds and the bees department I truly suck. The extent of my mother’s sex talk with me was, “BOY, DON’T LET THESE GIRLS GET IN YOUR PANTS!” (Thanks, Mom. That really helped). And my father never had “The Talk” with me at all. So in truth, I honestly don’t have any real-life background on how to broach this subject with my 14 year old boy.

Since the age of 10, my wife has asked me to go down this road with him. At 10 I was morally opposed. At 11, I don’t remember what I said. At 12, I believe I threatened him when he went away to summer camp. At 13, I spoke to him about not doing anything I wouldn’t do (which is probably the last thing I should’ve said to him). And twice this year, before the summer, in which I had a threatening, comical heart to heart with him and once again at the end of the summer I was asked/pressured/demanded to have the talk again.

“How many times am I going to talk to this boy about this?” I half pleaded with the wife. “You don’t think he gets it?”

“He went away this summer and now he’s in high school he needs to be spoken to. If you don’t I will.” This is something neither he (my son) nor I need or want. Think of Sam Witwicky’s mother in Transformers.

As much as my parents didn’t talk to me about this subject I did have church to fall back on. And here is where I feel I’m failing my son. We currently and haven’t gone to church in years. So what he would probably already know via Sunday school, he does not.

About a month ago, I brought it up again on the way home from football practice.

Me: “So I just wanted to talk to you about the summer and the upcoming fall. You’re getting older, and you’re going to be playing sports and you’re an attractive young man.” [This has already started wrong]

Son: Listens intently.

Me: “And I just want you to know that I know you have a little girlfriend and although I didn’t date when I was your age (or even have girls like me), I can understand the thoughts that may or may not be going through your head. And with the music on the radio these days, that’s not helping matters at all because music is just… [I trail off realizing I’m going off topic]

Son: Continues to listen intently.

Me: “All I’m saying is that you can flirt, even kiss if you must, but I don’t want you bringing home any babies or diseases.” [at this point I feel like I did the first time I jumped into the deep end of a pool without knowing how to swim] “I want you to be respectful at all times, that’s all. You have your whole life to act as a adult, you don’t have to rush and do it now. Got it?”

Son: “Yeah, dad.”

[I should’ve ended here]

Me: “Because even though I’m married now, a few years ago I used to be a man and I used to do my thing, I mean, I was out there.” [DANGER! DANGER! ABORT!] “So you can always come and talk to me about anything when it comes to the ladies.”

This was a Freudian slip and a half that left me choking on my words and wanting to rewind time. I looked out my driver’s side window and mumbled, “That went great…”

Me: “Well, that’s all I’ve got to say. Just be respectful and don’t do anything that will put yourself in danger or mess up your education.”

I sighed and then groaned. My son went back to sending text messages from his phone.

I didn’t want to holler. I wanted to scream.

For more information about giving “The Talk” to your pre-teen and/or teen check out 4Parents.gov and Talking With Kids About Sex And Relationships.

 

Editor’s Note: This conversation between Dad & son occurred some time ago. Everything’s all good now. 🙂

E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn’t Invented Sex. Additionally, he has an  E Book  titled Dad: As Easy As A, B, C . For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between. You can check him out at MakesMeWannaHoller.com

Gentlemen, You Are NOT Ready To Get Married IF…..

By Ayize Ma’at

In the marriage counseling and coaching work that my wife and I do with couples from around the country, I’m frequently asked, “How do you know she’s ‘the one'”, or “How do I know when I’m ready to get married?”  Sometimes when I hear these questions it’s hard to keep a straight face because in many of these situations the men are engaging in behavior that’s “questionable” at best and got the nerve to look me in the eyes and even suggest that they’re ready for marriage.  Of course as a good relationship coach I remain neutral as I provide my answer and lift up the importance of healthy relationships. Truth be told, their questions and situations inspire me.  I’ve created a list of 10 reasons that YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.  Enjoy.

Gentlemen,

You are not ready to get married if……..

1. YOU DEFINE YOUR “PRIMARY FAMILY” AS:  YOU, BROTHER, SISTER, MOMMY & DADDY INSTEAD OF YOU, YOUR WIFE, AND FUTURE CHILDREN

Fellas it’s time to grow up.  Your woman is looking for you to assume your role as the priest of your home.  If you’re unwilling to do that and you’re psychologically or emotionally in a space where you want to be “taken care of” …..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

2.  YOU’VE BEEN A “PLAYA” FOR 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR AND YOU THINK MARRIAGE WILL MIRACULOUSLY MAKE YOU MONOGAMOUS

Come on “Sun”….don’t get stuck on the numbers you are too bright for that.  LOL.  We are creatures of habit and unfortunately you’ve created a deeply embedded behavioral pattern that makes it practically impossible to flip the switch to fidelity.  If you’re trusting in your “magical” ability to make an instantaneous shift…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

3. YOU THINK LIFE AFTER “I DO” MEANS 15% WITH YOUR WIFE AND 85% WITH YOUR “BOYS”

I know you enjoy choppin’ it up with the fellas….which is cool BUT building anything (i.e. business, gaming, fantasy football, and oh..your relationship) requires time, attention, and patience.  Being married is about building your marriage.  If you are unwilling to dramatically alter the aforementioned ratio…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

4.  YOU ONLY WANT A MRS.

Gentlemen, WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!  In case you haven’t noticed women everywhere are gettin’ their hustle on and demonstrating that they have been and always will be able to be more than JUST A WIFE.  By no means am I minimizing the role of a wife…I’m just saying that if you expect your woman to ONLY be a Mrs. till death do you part, you are in for a rude awakening and…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.  It’s 2011 and women are out here gettin’ it.

5.  ANOTHER WOMAN’S VAGINA IS IN YOUR MOUTH OR WRAPPED AROUND YOUR PENIS THE DAY BEFORE YOUR WEDDING

We’re all grown right?….Let me make it plain…YOU CAN’T DANCE IN THE WATER AND NOT GET WET”!  How many times have you heard somebody saying “this is the last time”…only to find themselves saying “this is the last time” 1 week later? I know what you’re thinking….”But it’s the Bachelor Party”…right?  Let me tell you this…Every man that I know that has humped someone else the night before has continued humping someone else during marriage….which has consequently led to relationship DRAMA.  If the last minute “jump off” is that important….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

6.  NOTHING IS EVER UP FOR DISCUSSION

If you think your voice, opinions, suggestions, or ideas are the ONLY ones worthy of being heard and implemented in your relationship, YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.  Your woman ain’t having that.  Relationships are about an exchange of ideas…NOT blind obedience to one persons’ truth. Your woman is not your pet.

7.  YOU BELIEVE THE WOMAN YOU’RE MARRYING TODAY IS THE WOMAN YOU’RE GONNA BE SPENDING YOUR LIFE WITH TOMORROW

Although I’m figuratively using today and tomorrow, I want to drive home the literal point that PEOPLE CHANGE.  Life is about transformation and reaching a higher level of consciousness.  Your wife has a path in life that she’s been charged to follow.  If you demand that she stand still and be the “same person” for the rest of your lives….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

8. YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE PRIORITY

If yall have the fortune to be blessed with child, please know that you’re gonna take the back seat to the baby for about 1 year. Don’t worry it’s normal.  If you are unwilling to “fall back” and allow your wife to bond with your newborn…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

9.  YOU DEMAND THE SEX BE ON DEMAND

Actually it is….at the push of a button that is.  LOL. On the real tho’ your lady probably won’t “drop it like it’s hot”  just because you ask and ya’ll are married now.  Don’t get me wrong….married sex is the most amazing sex you can have (if you’re really connected with her).  But if you demand the sex be on demand after you jump the broom…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

10. YOU DON’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE MOST REWARDING FEELING YOU’VE EVER FELT BEFORE….LOVE

All I can say is your relationship will “grow you up” and give you a gift like you’ve never had before.  You relationship will give you the healing, rejuvenating, resuscitating, refreshing, and replenishing feelings of love IF YOU ALLOW IT.  If you are not ready to work on yourself and work on your relationship so you can reap the benefits of becoming one….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

Do Unto Women As You Would Have Men Do Unto YOUR DAUGHTER

By Ilex Bien-Aime

Karma, Fellas… Do You Reap What You Sow?

“Karma” – Hinduism, Buddhism. Action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation.

Galatians 6:7 “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.”

I am sure that if I did a word study that I would find other similar definitions of what happens to a man when he makes certain decisions. When you are younger and foolish, you may not think about the consequences of your actions. Maybe it’s the pursuit of getting what we want that keeps us from paying attention and/or maybe we feel that we will take our punishments later?

It’s so crazy to see what I have become and what my friends have become. We are now husbands, fathers, uncles, and God fathers. Our views of the world seem to be different than they were a few years ago. These guys used to run the streets with me and do some crazy things but now we are different people. Some of us however, have not had the good sense to change.

Most of us men are peculiar creatures. We like to dish out evil stock but we really do not want the return on our investments. You see now we are afraid of having daughters because we look back at some of the things we used to do. When we think about our war stories, they suddenly  don’t seem all that funny anymore – at least not when our little princesses or nieces come to mind.

When men are younger, we feel no sense of responsibility and ties – we felt that we could do whatever we pleased. All we wanted was to fulfill our needs and so some of us lied and did all manner of evil to get what we wanted from women. It didn’t matter that she was someone’s child. At this point in time, our Vulture mentality was at its absolute peak.

It’s crazy but I hear my friends talk about what they are going to do to men if they try to disrespect their daughters and nieces. The running joke that most men make is that we are going to buy our shotguns for these little boys trying to pursue our pride and joy. What is sad about this in many cases is the fact that some of us are disrespecting the mothers of our daughters even to this very day. We want our child to have a healthy dating life and yet we are sowing a terrible seed in our own lives.

Think about what some of us are doing fellas – I know it sounds crass but I know of girls in college who have been recorded having sex with a guy and then have that tape blasted all around the school. I know of naked pictures and compromising situations in which many of my friends have had women.. Though I was probably the most tame of my friends, I was definitely no saint.

Maybe if we realized that these women were someone else’s children and family members, we probably would not have been so eager to disrespect them. It’s crazy how most men don’t have a problem with seeing a woman’s behind jiggle in a thong while tossing dollars at her, but let that be his daughter and someone has to die. It seems as if no one has a problem with watching someone else’s daughter do filthy things for money but when that kid is ours, we will try to sue the distribution company so that no one will be able to watch the tape. Now we seem to care about what we call women because it’s not too kosher to hear knuckleheads calling our babies out of their names.

Have we doomed our daughters by our own foolish actions? Clearly this is not always the case but this does make me reflect on my disrespect of women. When you look into your little girl’s eyes, you think about all of the things that you hope she will become. We often forget that the women that we hurt and disrespected are daughters themselves. Maybe if we think about what our future princesses will mean to us, we wouldn’t be so quick to hurt other peoples’ princesses!

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.

Is Idris Elba Sexy? He Says Black Men Aren’t Really Described As Such.

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WggBgIb2QeQ&feature=player_embedded’]

By Team BLAM

Is Idris Elba sexy?  Many of you are probably thinking, “BLAM, that’s a dumb a$$ question!” lol.  I guess the ooh’s, aahhh’s, and daaayumms that come from women’s mouth’s (my wife included) when watching him on the big screen is enough of an answer.

Side note:  I had to throw an elbow at Aiyana in the movie theater because she was so fixated on the screen when he was half naked in “Takers”.  lol.

We recognize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what’s ugly to me may be “fine as hell” to you…and that’s cool.  In the above interview with Life Files TV, Idris says black men are described as intense and athletic….but not really sexy.  Check out the interview and let us know what you think.  I’m wondering if black men aren’t described as sexy…..then is sexy described as NON- BLACK.  HMMMM

She’s. Not. You.

By Al-Lateef

So what is it about her?

Ladies, if you’ve asked a man this question, chances are you’ve already answered it many times over. It’s not something you necessarily had to verbally convey (sometimes), but more times than not, it’s just certain things about you that don’t translate well when a man wants a woman for a relationship. We want everything in a woman — she has to be assertive and independent, yet allow a man to feel like a man. We want her to have her own and want more, help us to reach our potential, but without being reminded of it every day.

We want her to be our friend, be able to watch the game with her after eating a home cooked meal or catch a movie or Broadway show and she’s equally comfortable at either. Her career has to fulfill her and her faith define her. She has to believe in us, yet, know she is the shit, turn heads, but have eyes only for him. She knows her words are needed and when to listen, she’s a leader and knows how to be led. She understands how to love a Black man and wants to be respected as a Black woman. We want someone who hasn’t been hardened by life or made bitter by previous cats and open to love and growth and change. And yes…we want a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed. In a word, we want a Superwoman. Every woman.

She’s. Not. You.

Here’s the part when you go off and say I don’t have my stuff together either, that I’m no Boris Kudjoe or Barack Obama. No I’m not, but I’m also not going to settle for anyone that doesn’t meet the standards I live by. I’m not saying you don’t possess any of these qualities, I’m just saying you don’t have enough for me to consider anything beyond what we had. You’re cool to kick it with and that little trick you do is nice, but I can’t see taking a leap over the broom with you, the cons definitely outweigh the pros in making whatever you call that thing we had serious.

But you want to know what it is that made me choose her and not you, intimating that there were one or three areas where she rated higher than you and totally discounting how she made me feel, like there was some scorecard counting the good and the bad about each of you. You want me to compare and contrast the two of you, when the truth is; there is no comparison, because there is no comparison. However, you insist on wanting to know, driving yourself crazy, like you’d really address your gray areas if you were told what they are. You’ve had years to get past this point in your life and if missing out on a man is what gets you there, how long would any change sustain? Still, this doesn’t deter you from asking anyone who would listen…

What is it about her that made him choose her over me?

Take her out of the conversation, make it solely about you and me and you’ll find some answers:

  • Our career trajectories don’t mesh: I’m x amount of years in on a career and you have a job, something you hate, but don’t really have the skills to do much more. That’s an added layer of stress I don’t need.
  • I’m paying this mortgage or rent and you’re going in on groceries with your mother, upset that she didn’t buy the right brand of turkey sausage. We’re a little too old for roommates, especially those of the parental unit type.
  • You have kids. I know this is a touchy area, but I enjoy the flexibility my life has and being with someone that has children restricts that flexibility. If it doesn’t, because you continually put your kids aside for me, you’re not what I’m looking for anyway.
  • I have no clue what you believe in: In all of our time knowing one another, there’s nothing you’ve shown yourself to be convicted in…aside from knowing that you hate most of the chicks on “Basketball Wives”, I don’t know how you feel about much.
  • There’s no true connection between us: There’s an excitement that comes over me when I think of her or hear her name, butterflies in my stomach when I see her, a genuine want to be with her. I had none of that with you and there’s your answer, …..SHE’S NOT YOU.

Between rhetoric and reality is where you’ll find The World According to Teef.   Social commentary rooted in independent thought that’s unfiltered, uncensored, unforgiving, but never unreal!