A Woman's Point Of View | Black Love And Marriage.com

Top 10 Lies Women Tell Men

By The Frisky

Ah, women. So mysterious! So enigmatic! We have more layers than an onion. And men, poor, poor men. Left to figure us out all on their own. Sorry! We don’t mean to be confusing. We just are. While many of us strive to be honest, truthful, and forthright, we do not always tell the truth. That is the truth. Sometimes (gasp!), we lie. Most of the time, though, these are little white lies, half-truths told to keep the peace. Other times, our lies are a little bigger — say, for example, when the subject is sex. In honor of National Honesty Day, here’s a cheat sheet of the mistruths that are most likely to come out of a woman’s mouth, and what men can learn about the lies, the sweet little lies, that women tell. (Don’t worry — we’ve got lies dudes tell coming later today…)

1. ”I’ve slept with [X] guys.” Maybe she rounds up. Maybe she rounds down. Maybe she can’t remember. Whatever the case may be, more than a few women have lied about how many sexual partners they’ve had. Maybe she feels self-conscious. Maybe her number is higher than yours. To increase the likelihood she’ll tell the truth, make her confess first.

2. “That was great.” Listen, nobody’s pointing fingers. Sometimes bad sex is a no-fault proposition. But if it’s not good for her, it’s altogether possible she may not be enlightening you on that matter. Whether she’s just not that into it tonight or she’s just not that into you, it’s hard for some women to be frank about sex, especially when the news isn’t good. Rely on her body language instead.

3. ”I have never nor would I ever cheat on you.” Do you remember that show on VH1, “Tough Love: Couples“? The number one cause of screaming fights? Cheating. Or, more specifically, lying about cheating. It’s not easy to tell someone when you’ve messed up; the fallout can be brutal. Remember: What you don’t know can spare you.

4. “I weight [X].” Here’s the thing. Women don’t lie about their weight because of you. Their reasons for doing it have everything to do with them. Not all women lie about their weight, but some do, and they do it for all kinds of reasons. Because they want to weigh less, because they want to weigh more, because they’re not sure and that number sounds about right. Women and their weight are a mysterious relationship with which you may not want to interfere. Take her word for it.

5. “Sure, you can call me.” Sometimes, when we’re face-to-face with a guy, and he’s asking us out on a first or for a second date, it’s tough to, er, woman-up and say, “You know what? Um, no.” We don’t want to be heartbreakers. We want to be nice. We’re sure you’ll get the message when we never call you back.

6. “I’ll be ready in a minute.” Listen, if before you left the house to go out on a date, you had to shower, shave half your body, slather yourself in moisturizer, apply 99 overpriced products, put on several layers of makeup, flat-iron your hair, pick out the perfect outfit that makes you look sophisticated/sexy/spectacular, it would take you a long time to get ready, too. So, wait.

7. “I don’t know.” We don’t know (ha!) if we’re going to get a lot of agreement on this one, but we are of the opinion that a lot of times when a woman says, “I don’t know,” she does, in fact, know. Women are intuitive like a nuclear power plant is radioactive, and it is upon our internal sonars that we rely. Mostly, we do know. We may not be ready to tell you.

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Sex and Pregnancy: From A Woman’s Point Of View

/in A Woman's Point Of View, Becoming One, Sex & Intimacy/by

By Shayla Moore

Let’s get one thing clear, there’s no such thing as ‘normal’ when it comes to your feelings! Every woman will feel differently about sex and intimacy during her pregnancy, and if you feel a certain way then 9 times out of 10 do what you want (or don’t want) to do. Some women find they become even more randy when they’re pregnant, whereas some aren’t interested at all. Whatever feels right for you, go with it. There are a few physical conditions to consider, but as far as emotion goes, there’s no right or wrong way to ‘be pregnant’.

If you want sex,

Pregnancy is a time for wildly fluctuating hormones, these may make you feel surprisingly horny! If you do, there’s no reason to stop having sex, so long as your pregnancy is normal. However, you may have to make a few changes to your sex life as your term progresses. The missionary position is likely to be difficult or impossible as your bump gets bigger, you could try lying on your side with the belly supported, or go ‘doggie style’. This means you’ve got more freedom to move and can feel more in control. Now is a good time to experiment with different positions and lots of pillows, you may need to prop up your body. Many men find pregnant women particularly erotic, enjoy the attention if your man gets suddenly horny! Also, regular sex can help prepare your pelvic muscles for a smooth birth and your hormones often mean vaginal lubrication is better than ever before.

And if you don’t,

It’s not uncommon for women to go off sex as they start to feel ‘more mother than lover’. Often, towards the later stages of pregnancy sex may become more difficult simply because of the bump getting in the way, you may prefer other forms of intimate touch than full sex. If you’re experiencing discomfort or pain you should let your partner know and try other ways to relax together. Many women enjoy massage as a way to relax and feel close to their partner, just remember that during labor you should avoid highly scented oils or lotions. Touch and physical contact is an essential part of a relationship, and just because you don’t feel like having sex doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sensual feelings.

Things to check

If yours is a ‘high risk’ pregnancy (check with your doctor or care-giver), you may be advised to avoid sex, particularly in the later stages of pregnancy. This includes a history of premature labor, miscarriage or other complications. Opinion is divided as to whether sex and orgasm can influence labor, again, check with your care giver if you’re unsure. As far as sex toys go, generally speaking using vibrators externally should present no problem but is best avoided inside the vagina.

About the Author Shayla Moore is a writer for http://www.oasislingerie.com She has many intresting topics and ideas for all to read about. Check out more of her articles.

Is Feminism To Blame For The High Divorce Rates?

/in A Woman's Point Of View, Black Women/by

By Cindy Holbrook

Analysts everywhere speculate about the rise of the divorce rate over the past 75 years in the United States. There are many different theories on the reason behind this. The divorce rates in the United States are alarming! 45% for a first marriage and over 60% for a second marriage. But before I share my theory of why divorce has been so steadily on the rise, let’s look at the plight of women in the United States over the past hundred years:

“To Love, Honor and Obey,” were common vows of a bride to her groom until the 1980s.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 30% of mothers were in the workforce in 1960 vs. 72% in 2010.
According to the Population Reference Bureau, the percentage of women, aged 18-24, has increased from 19% in 1967 to 43% in 2005.
In 1919, women were given the right to vote.
In 1963, laws passed regarding discrimination against women in the workplace, equal pay, maternity leave and affordable childcare.
In 1969, California adopted a “no fault” divorce law that allowed couples to divorce by mutual consent. By 1985, all states had adopted similar laws.
In 1976, Nebraska became the first state to enact a marital rape law that made it illegal for a husband to rape his wife.

You may be wondering what all this has to do with the divorce rate. Over the past 50 years, many laws have been passed that give women equal rights. This has enabled women to believe in their own gifts and talents. They now see their self-worth and all that they have to offer the world.

These laws have taught women that they are strong enough and capable enough to do anything that they set their minds to. Women no longer believe that they need a man to support them and to take care of them. They no longer believe that they are lower-class citizens compared to men.Simply put, the number one reason for the increase in the divorce rate is that women feel capable of caring for themselves and their children and refuse to be treated like second-class citizens.

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Letters to My Daughters – Part 5: Love

/in A Woman's Point Of View, motherhood, Parenting/by

By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Dear Asyen and Maya,

Here it goes.. the boy talk. I am sure you are thinking “what more can she say? She already talks about this subject too much.” (I bet Asyen is even rolling her eyes right now!) But this is not about boys, this is about LOVE (and yes, there is a difference.) I want you to know about love and finding a husband.

Well, I mis-spoke. A husband should find you. But I want you to be able to discern if the man that says he wants to marry you is really your husband. And you can’t discuss marriage without first talking about love. So let’s just jump right into it.

1. Falling in like, lust, and a version of love is easy but staying in love is a choice. Don’t let the butterflies in your stomach tell you that you are in love. That isn’t love. That could be infatuation, lust, or gas. But love is “I trust you with all of me and even when I don’t like you, can’t stand the sight of you, and want to walk away from you, I will choose to love you because hurting you hurts me.” Until you get to this point in your relationship then you aren’t truly in love.

2. Sex is great. I am not going to lie and say “sex sucks” just to keep you from having sex. Nope. Not gonna do it. Sex is AMAZING! But let me explain it to you this way. Imagine you are a trapeze artist in a circus. You have climbed up the rope and you see your partner swinging toward you. You are nervous and excited. You reach out your hand and swing with your partner. Now, if it is with the right person – a committed married relationship – you will keep swinging higher and higher. You will turn tricks and flips because you trust that your partner will always catch you. But if you are with the wrong partner, you will never get comfortable enough to let go and flip. You will never find your rhythm and your partner can drop you. And if your partner drops you, the effects can be emotionally devastating.

3. You have to make sure that the man you marry has the following traits:
A. He has to love God. Your husband must love God and not be afraid to pray for and over you and the entire house. Ask yourself this one question: “if I were dying, would I trust this man to pray over me?” If the answer is “no,” then he isn’t your husband.

B. You want a spouse that has vision – both personally and collectively. He has to have a plan and not be afraid to work the plan.

C. You want a spouse that has a work ethic. Will he work for the betterment of the household? Can you trust him to hold down a job?

D. You want a spouse that can balance a budget. Can you work together and manage the finances?

E. You want a spouse that you can have fun with. Can you hang out with your spouse? Can you giggle with your spouse? Do you have fun together? Do you like being around each other?

4. Having standards is not the same as having a list. Don’t be a woman that has a superficial list of traits that you want your spouse to have. Things like “he has to be 6 ft tall and drive a Bentley” mean very little when they are 80 and in a hospital bed. You can have standards – He must be honest, loving, kind – without being superficial.

5. Don’t look for anything in a mate that you yourself don’t bring to the table. I hate when people say “the man I marry must have a six pack and make at least $100-thousand” when they don’t make $20-thousand and are obese. You want to be equally yoked.

6. Finally – well, finally for tonight; any love you are going to share with another person has to start with the love you have for yourself. Love you. Be complete by yourself. The Word says you are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” It doesn’t say youwill be fearful and wonderful when you find Mr. Right. It means that you right now by yourself are the bomb, or the jam, or whatever the hot word is when you read this.

Remember, I love more than you know! (and my standard disclaimer: I have the option to add more later.)

Love you both,
~Mama

Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work atMyriadthatisme.blogspot.com

Diva,Power Professional,Wife & Mama. Can We Really Do It All?

/in A Woman's Point Of View, Black Women, From Across The Web/by

Women have always had to deal with how to juggle our many roles and how those roles make us feel. Can we be a Power Professional & a Housewife? A Fly Diva and a Mother? Can we be independent yet dependent? In 2011, there are many women who would say it’s just too tough to combine these roles and you need to “pick a role” and do that one well.

Well, as a wife who just about worships her husband, intensely loves her 4 children, and fiercely knows she is a Mogul in the making—I feel I can do it all!

The below article from AOL Black Voices got me to thinking about this topic and the notion of being a “housewife” and/or a “businesswoman” and what we all attach to those labels.

When I was younger, in moments of my most impertinent, most naive arrogance, I wondered why my extraordinarily intelligent mother decided to become a housewife. Why didn’t she do more with her great gifts? It was Alice Walker’s groundbreaking 1974 essay ‘In Search of Our Mother’s Gardens’ that matured me on this subject. In homage to Phillis Wheatley, Walker writes: “It is not so much what you sang, as that you kept alive, in so many of our ancestors, the notion of song.”

Walker taught me that my mother is an artist in her own right. Her choices were narrower than mine, and her decision to support her husband and children was a noble one. Now that I am a “wife” and often find myself shifting between doing author appearances and washing dishes, I understand that such delineations are complicated, at best. I also understand that the success of my entire family, especially my father, was afforded by my mother’s sacrifices.

When I think of Women’s History Month, I want to pay homage to women whose role as wives often eclipsed their own sweet songs. What about all of the women who lived in the shadows of their husbands?

When National Book Award-winning author Ralph Ellison died of pancreatic cancer in 1994, he was survived by his wife, Fanny Ellison, who went on to manage his estate until her passing in 2005. Coretta Scott King carried on Martin Luther King, Jr.’s legacy for 38 years following her husband’s death. As head of the Jackie Robinson Foundation, Rachel Robinson has kept alive her husband’s legacy by becoming a great humanitarian and philanthropist.

I do not mean to suggest that these women are not stars in their own right. Each woman I mention is uniquely accomplished, and most have gone on to emerge from their husband’s shadows. Rachel Robinson had a distinguished career as a nursing professional. Shirley Graham DuBois, wife of W.E.B. DuBois, was a novelist and playwright. Lil Hardin Armstrong, second wife of jazzman Louis Armstrong, was a pianist, composer and bandleader and collaborated professionally with her husband during the 1920s. Amy Jacques Garvey, second wife of Marcus Garvey, was an accomplished journalist and author. Even my own mother became a respected small business owner.

Yet the line between wife and public-sphere professional can be a difficult one to navigate. Winnie Mandela, former wife of Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela, has experienced her own share of challenges in her public life — a life that will be portrayed by actress Jennifer Hudson in the upcoming film ‘Winnie.’ First Lady Michelle Obama suspended a career as a lawyer and hospital administrator to take on the role of the nation’s most public wife of all — a role that has required her to re-imagine her contributions as a professional.

For The Full Article CLICK HERE.

13 Things Women Want In A Man

/in A Woman's Point Of View/by

By Patti Oar

You may think that women want someone who is tall, dark, and looks like a bodybuilder model from GQ. Those things are nice and yes we like to look at those guys, but just like you don’t need for us to look like Victoria Secret models we don’t require it in our man. OK. The 13 most important qualities that women look for in a man are:

1. Honesty
2. Intelligence
3. Nice Smile
4. Sense of Humor
5. Manners
6. Sensitivity
7. Sincerity
8. Gainfully employed
9. Has own place
10. Owns a car
11. Affectionate
12. Considerate
13. Thoughtful

OK. First things first. Honesty is the NUMBER ONE trait that women look for in a man. That doesn’t mean to be brutally honest and tell her she looks fat. (Never do that) but we want to know that we can trust that what you are telling us is the truth. If you’ve lied in the past it will be a very cold day in Hell before she trusts you again. And she may want to check your phone messages and read your email and call you 10 times a day to feel secure that you’re trustworthy again. You may not like that but if you lie it may be the price you have to pay.

Intelligence: Women want to feel safe and protected and we want our men to be smart. Maybe even smarter than us. Women feel that your brain is your sexiest organ. So dazzle us with your brain and you will be surprised how stimulated we become. Kick her ass at “Jeopardy” and watch what happens.

Smile: We love your smile. We can’t get enough of it. It makes us want to touch you and kiss you. So brush and floss and see your dentist and keep your mouth kissably fresh.

Sense of Humor: If you can keep us laughing you are golden. We love to laugh and we love a man who can make us laugh. This goes back to the smart thing as well. You have to be smart to be humorous. We like a man who’s humor challenges us. Leave that 3 Stooges stuff for the guys. Women don’t appreciate 12 year old juvenile humor.

Manners: Little things like manners are very important. Women don’t want their man to drive up and reach over from the driver’s seat and open the passenger door or just wait for us to open the door. A little old fashioned chivalry goes a long way. Escort the lady to the car and open the door for her. We love to be treated like queens. It makes us feel like you think we’re special. And hopefully you do think she’s special. We love a man with manners. We know we can take him home and our parents will love him. We don’t want to have to worry about what you might do or say. We want to be with a man not a boy. That means no farting, belching, toe or nose picking, spitting, or smacking your lips when you eat. We want to know we can take you in public and we won’t be embarrassed. And don’t forget we also like to show you off to our girlfriends and we want them to approve. You want the girlfriends to think you’re a “Keeper”.

Sensitive: That whole thing about being “Sensitive” and getting in touch with your “Feminine Side” are all very true. A woman is waaaay more attracted to a man who isn’t afraid to show his feelings and be gentle and sensitive. We actually think that makes you more manly. A man who clams up and thinks being macho is what we want is very wrong. One of the things that is extremely attractive to a woman is when it’s obvious that you are attracted to us. There is nothing hotter than seeing how much we turn you on. Don’t be afraid to show that. But of course there are limits and this can easily be overdone. Be careful about showing things like that at work or you might find yourself in a sexual harassment situation. And if you decide to try to tip your hand to a woman and show your interest, remember to keep it subtle. No woman likes a STALKER or a HORNDOG! We love to know that we are getting to you, but not in an obnoxious way. You may have to make some changes in your behavior. But of course, they’ll be changes for the better and you will most likely be happier for it.

Sincerity: This is a little like honesty, but what I mean is if you need to change some of your behaviors to be more attractive to women then don’t just do it to get the girl. This is something that has to be real. If you think that’s not you, then maybe you should think about making a change. You can decide you don’t want to change, that you like yourself the way you are, but if that was working for you then you probably wouldn’t be reading this article. You were drawn to this piece because you must truly want to know how to be better with women and if you sincerely do then you may need to take an honest look at yourself and decide what you want because it has to be real.

Employed: OK. This is a no-brainer, but truthfully there are some men out there without jobs that think they can get all the women they want. I have no idea what makes them think that, but their egos are on overtime. Women need security and we want a man who can provide for us. That doesn’t mean we don’t want to work, but it does mean that we want to know that you are a responsible MAN.

Has Own Place: OK. Matthew McConaughey was really cute in Failure to Launch but that was a comedy. Seriously we don’t want to have a sleepover at your Mom’s house. Having your own place just shows us again that you are a responsible adult. And it does help if your place is decorated nicely. I don’t mean you have to hire a decorator, but we’re not drawn to frathouse chic. Impress us with your style. Again we want MEN not BOYS!

Has Own Car: This may not be important if you live in New York or in a place where the public transportation makes owning a car unnecessary but in most of the world you need a car to pick up your date and take her out. It is important to mention here that even though we love luxury cars we don’t need that in our man. Women love men with all kinds of cars, but FYI keep your car clean (especially the inside). Nothing says SLOB more than a dirty car. Take out the fast food wrappers and keep it neat and smelling nice.

Affectionate: We really do love to touch and be touched. And I am not talking sexually here. But try holding her hand when she’s not expecting it or gently rubbing her back. Little touchy things like that mean a lot. Rub her arm when you’re reading the paper or do little things like foot and hand massages. Women love that.

Be Considerate: We appreciate the little things like holding a door open or not walking ahead of us. If we’re sleeping make sure you turn out the light when you leave. Show her you care by picking up after yourself. When you get some dessert out of the fridge ask if she’d like some or make sure you leave some for her. Just basic consideration is so important to us.

Thoughtfullness: This may sound like consideration, but it goes a little further. Being thoughtful of her needs goes a long way. Maybe give her a call from work just to see how she’s doing. While we love that we don’t want to be smothered with a bunch of calls all day long. Bring something home for her when you go to the store, like some fresh flowers (I know that’s cliché, but that’s because it works) or maybe some of her favorite ice cream…just because. This shows us that you are thinking of us and that makes us feel important and special.

My Son Will Do Great Things.

/in A Woman's Point Of View, Parenting/by

By Lana Moline

My son is 14 years old. He is an athlete, a brilliant student, very handsome and he can do whatever he puts his mind to. I joke with him a lot about who he will marry and how his kids are going to leave candy wrappers around the house like he does or ask for money or want to go somewhere all the time. These are all the things that although I clown him about, I love everything about him. Our relationship is evolving. He’s my oldest, my introductory gift into motherhood. Our story started out rocky because I was single at the time and involved with a man who still probably struggles to understand just how important his presence is in his son’s life. Nevertheless, he bonded with my husband at the age of 2 and overcame some tremendous emotional upheavals considering his ambivalent relationship with his biological dad.

I share with single mothers of sons all the time that it’s an uphill battle but things will get better as long as there is love, honesty and consistency in their lives. My story is a little unique because my son’s father has no justifiable reason not to have a solid relationship with our son and so there was never a roadblock to keep him away. As a result, my son has dealt firsthand and genuinely for himself the isolation that came as a result of him not returning phone calls or consistently being around. Also, he’s had the opportunity to confront his father for himself and get off of his chest exactly what he was feeling.

I think it was 7 or 8 years ago where we both happened to be back in our hometown visiting our families for the holidays. My son’s father called and asked to see him and I acquiesced. They visited in the living room for maybe an hour or so. During that time, my son voiced his feelings and I heard crying and outrage. It was my sweetheart asking “why don’t you spend time with me?” ”Why don’t you call me?” It broke my heart. Those were fair questions and at that moment, I stepped completely out of the loop because my son had spoken his peace. Promises were made that day and sadly not all of them were honored but what I as a mother accepted was that there are places that my son will need to go without me as a man where all I can do is pray his strength.

Years after that I saw my son unplug from a relationship that did not supply him with the things that he needs and plug into the ones that do. All of this was probably more of a lesson for me than anything. I have confidence that my son will grow up to be strong, brave and fair because that’s the way he wishes to be treated. Although my instinct was to totally guard, shield and protect him from all of this, he could not have learned a better life lesson. Sometimes people fail us but we can go on. For the record, let me say that I do not consider his father to be a bad person. I just thought that, much like I am, all parents are head over heals in love with their kids. A hard lesson learned at the expense of my baby.

Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.

Making Your Marriage Bed Better Will Make Your Sex Life Sweeter PART 2

/in A Woman's Point Of View, Sex & Intimacy/by

By Neysa Ellery Taylor

A few months ago I wrote about the Marriage Bed. Did you read it? If not, check it out here. That is Marriage Bed 101. Now we are on to Marriage Bed 102. That means we are going deeper. (It also means you’ve been warned.) Ready? Let’s go.I’m going to write this today from the woman’s perspective because obviously I am pretty well versed in that gender. This lecture is taken from talking to lots of women – ok, my peers. Maybe I’ll deal with men on another day, who knows? But today it is all about what the women want. Ok?

Now, there is this little myth that has been floating around for years. It is the myth that men want more sex – and freakier sex – than women. Well, I am here to tell you that it is NOT true. Women love sex. Lots of sex. And freaky sex (although that term is relative.) The difference is we really don’t have to worry about it. Most women can walk outside stand on their front porch, say “who wants to have sex with me?,” and be having sex 10 minutes later. Now, it might not be with the guy you want and it might not be great sex. But we can have sex at a moments notice. Men… not so much. Men spend days, months, years plotting to get booty. There is no guarantee that when men cast their net into the sea of females that they will catch any booty at all. So since we don’t have to worry about sex, it appears as if we don’t care about it as much. We don’t worry about it but we do care about it.

So now that you know that we care about sex too, it’s time that I told you a little secret. When we are amongst each other, sometimes the topic comes up. (It comes up more if large amounts of alcohol being poured.) The number one complaint I hear during these chats is that wives are bored. No, I am not talking about the newlywed. I’m talking about the long term wife. It’s time for a new sexual game plan. I know that some men are thinking, “not my wife. I puts it down.” Yeah, you do, I’m sure. But ask yourself if your honey has said any of these lines to you recently:

“Tell me what you want.” “Is there anything that I can do for you?” “Wanna do something different?” Those are all nice ways of saying, “I know exactly what you are going to do from the foreplay to the finale. I’m an hoping that you will say ‘yea, let’s try something different’ so that we can get out of this rut.” Yep, those questions all mean that statement. She’ll never ask you outright for a change up. Why? Because we aren’t sure how you will take the suggestion. Some men can take a sexually assertive requests without it being an affront to their machismo. But some men can’t. Men, hear me loud and clear: Just because she asks for a remix doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with what you are doing. It just means that it is time for a lil’ switcheroo.

So tonight switch it up. Don’t do the a, b, c in that order. Do the a, Q, b, then P. What! Cue the music: Boom chicka bow-bow

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com

The Beauty Of My Tatts

/in A Woman's Point Of View, Black Women/by

By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Proverbs 3:3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.

Now, before I get started let me say that I know this verse is a metaphor, not to be taken literally. But the reason that I chose to open with it is because that is how I feel about my tattoos. People often ask me why I have word tatts and no pictures. For me the first reason is simple: Words speak to me. Every word that I have on my back I earned. For those of you who don’t know, my back reads “Breathe, Strength, Passion, Wisdom, Obedience.” I earned each of those words. Let’s start with “Breathe.” There was a point in time when I could not see into the future. I was so lost that I didn’t really think that I would make it. Thinking about taking it one day at a time was even too much.. So I started concentrating on my next breath. I quit thinking days ahead. I quit thinking minutes ahead. I concentrated on the now and getting to my next breath. So I earned “Breathe.” I have earned each of those words through self reflection and hard work. So while they are written on the “tablet of my heart,” they are also written on my back as reminders of where I have been and what I have accomplished.

When people ask me if I will get any more tatts, I smile and reply “probably so.” The reality is I hope so. I hope to always learn something new about myself, to stretch and grow, to meet challenges and survive them. As I write the new lessons on my heart, I am sure that I will write them on my body as well. Quite honestly, the only reason I haven’t added more words is because I still struggle with the last word I added – Obedience. I quite often remind myself of a headstrong toddler.. I know what God wants me to do but I don’t always follow it. Until I consistently answer “yes” to all of God’s commands, I can’t add another word to my tattood report card.

The second reason I only have words at this time is because the picture I want is the grand finale. To call it a picture seems to minimize its significance. I will get a grand tree, deeply rooted and reaching upward. Why? Because trees just do what they were designed to do – worship. (Thank you Alice Walker for this metaphor.) Trees weather all of the seasons – plenty and famine, sun and rain – all while reaching upward in worship. For me, trees epitomize the way we are meant to worship. Through good times and bad, we should always reach out to God. Once you see that tattoo on my back, you will know that I am finished with my artwork, and with this type of illustration of the lessons I have learned. Not finished learning, but just finished displaying my homework.

Women, You’re Giving Too Much In Your New Relationship And That’s Why It Doesn’t Work

/in A Woman's Point Of View, Black Women, Singles & Dating/by

By Lucy O’Brien

Women who give too much in relationships will usually find that their relationships don’t work out. And this happens to many women. They give far too much, far too early, and then wonder why it isn’t appreciated. If you’re exhausted from giving to your man, if you feel drained from feeling that you get little in return, read this article to find out why giving too much will not win a man over.

Women can be very generous and giving in relationships. Naturally a girl wants to impress her new man early on. However, giving too much is never a good thing when you hardly know a guy. If you give too much without requiring that you receive in return, he may well take your generous gifts but he will know subconsciously that you undervalue yourself. He will lose respect for you early on. He may well take advantage but then he will probably leave.

This is because giving too much tends to come from a sense of neediness and inadequacy. If I give more, he will love me more. If I do more he will appreciate me more. She gives because she does not want to lose the relationship that gives her purpose. She is frightened to say no to him in case he gets upset and dumps her. Perhaps she does his laundry, lends him money and gives him gifts or sleeps with him too soon. She may put her own life on hold so she is always available to him and gives in to his last minute requests and demands.

Does he appreciate this? No, he does not. If she lets him walk all over her, he will not respect her and the relationship will be doomed. He will assume she is desperate. Or that she is easy. A man actually wants a woman who can stand up for herself and will look out for herself, despite what he says to the contrary. This is because a man wants a woman who values herself. If you give yourself away to someone you hardly know, you do not value yourself. And if you don’t place any value upon yourself then he certainly won’t. Men will value and respect you in accordance with the value and respect that you place upon yourself.

An immature man may encourage you to be selfless, and give generously to him, but he will only be interested in you as long as you are giving. As soon as you expect something in return, he will not be able to give back. You will end up exhausted and drained. This is 1 good reason to get to know him before you give too much!

Added to this, women who give too much in relationships are generally incapable of receiving because they don’t feel worthy. She feels uncomfortable if he pays for dinner or buys her gifts or helps her out in any way. She feels she should be independent and doesn’t like to ask for his help. However, a mature masculine man needs to feel needed by his woman. He is happy to help, as long as she admires his efforts. It is important to him to be significant. Generosity is a masculine trait and for this reason, a man will love to treat his dream girl. A woman who knows how to receive and appreciate will bring out the best in her man and make him feel good. These are the relationships that succeed, not the ones where a woman gives too much.

Instead, her giving makes him feel smothered. He senses her neediness and he feels uncomfortable with her expectations. He wonders when payback time will come. Such women are giving because they want something back. They want the relationship at any cost. Who the man is tends to be fairly irrelevant and he knows this. Without the relationship she feels empty and void.

If you are one of these women who give too much in relationships, then you are not alone. Most of us have been there at some point in our lives. Giving too much is generally an unconscious behaviour. We don’t even know we are doing it. Once you are aware of it, you can start to look at the reasons why you do it. Realise that now is the time to start placing a higher value on yourself so that a man will value you more. Start learning to receive as well as to give and appreciate every little thing that your man does for you. This will encourage him to give more and feel good about it. If you can do this, you will have more energy and happier relationships.

You can read more from Lucy at http://makemyrelationshipfabulous.info