An Open Letter To My Single Sisters: He’s Married.. LEAVE HIM ALONE.

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Recently, I was at dinner with several women. One of the steamy topics of discussion was the fact that ”Tamicka” was being sought after by a new beau. But this beau had one problem – he’s married.   Tamicka was quick to point out that he was separated.  But the question I asked was, “Isn’t separated still married?”

Tamicka’s friend jumped to her defense and stated that the man was about to be divorced. But me being me re-iterated, “about to be divorced is still MARRIED, right?”  Lots of folks are about to be something. Some folks are about to be employed, about to be in school, about to be pregnant, about to be thin, about to be in rehab. About to be speaks to where you want to be, not to where you really are. And this is a dangerous slope when you are talking about many things. If you use the aforementioned examples, those about-to-be folks are currently unemployed, uneducated, without child, fat, and a crackhead.

So here is my question for women: When did it become ok to get romantically involved with a married man? I am not even going to touch on those in committed relationships.  For this rant/post I will only talk about married folks. (Cheating boyfriend and girlfriends can relax and take a deep breath.)

Those close to me know that I love Denzel Washington. I mean really love Denzel – from Mississippi Masala to Pelham 123. And I have joked about attacking him if I ever met him. But the reality of it is, he is married and I respect that. Period. End of story.

Ohhh, I hear you whispering, “This must be a recent feeling. She must have gone through something that made her feel this way. Something must have happened.” Well, for the haters let me tell you – call my girls and ask them – my position on this hasn’t changed from the time I started dating to now. Why? Because while I might not of always believed in God’s power, I believed in karma. What goes around, comes around. If you take someone’s husband, then later on someone will take yours. I firmly believe that. This a belief is deeply rooted in my soul. So let’s talk. I’ll calm down. I’ll give every mistress/jump-off /#2 /chick-on-the-side a chance to make their case.  So, what do you have to say?

“There’s a shortage of good black men. What am I to do?” Be strong and wait for a single man to come. Have fun with your friends and your life without coveting someone else’s life.

“But he is my soul mate. We were meant to be together. If we had only met first.” Ummm, but you didn’t. So he isn’t your soul mate. Due to the covenant that he made with his wife, their souls are now intertwined. Their destiny’s are connected. Remember that part in the wedding where the pastor says that “let no man put asunder?” Yeah, that included you.

“If his wife was doing her job, he wouldn’t be over here.” Not true. Are some wives trifling? Yes. Are some wives busting their asses to take care of their families? Yes. She could be the best looking, well educated, best lover in the world and he could still act a fool. His missteps are not a reflection of her shortcomings.

“But he is wonderful. He does XYZ.” Yes, he is wonderful. Do you want to know why? Because his wife is washing his clothes. His wife is feeding the kids. His wife is cleaning the house. His wife is taking care of business. You don’t see the day to day activities. You don’t see the husband gassy, or trifling. All the mistress sees is the PR agent. As much as I love Denzel, I know that his greatness is mostly attributed to Pauletta. And my favorite church-going mistress line is this one:

“But I am praying that the Lord will move him from his wife and deliver him to me.” Do you really hear yourself? God isn’t a thief. He will not carjack someone’s marriage for you. What God has for you is for you? Not what God has for me is for you. How did you miss that in church? Pray for your own husband to be revealed.

So let me be nice for a moment. I know women are tired of the crap on the dating scene. Most of my friends are single and believe me, I’ve heard it all. But being lonely, broke, tired, or impatient is no reason to settle for a married man. Did you ever think that your own blessing/soulmate/husband could be around the corner but you are blocking that blessing because of your disobedience? Don’t you want someone all to yourself? That you can spend nights and holidays with? I hope so. I want it for you and I pray that you find it. I really do.

CLICK HERE to read Part 2 “An Open Letter To Married Men: She Ain’t Your Wife…LEAVE HER ALONE!

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick.  An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing.  You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.

Dear Daddy: A Riveting Depiction Of The Impact Of Absentee Fathers

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By Ayize Ma’at

VIDEO: Yesterday I watched the trailer for “Dear Daddy” by Janks Morton for the first time and to say the least I was moved to tears.  I watched it with my wife and she sat there stoically, seemingly holding back or just not in touch with the raw emotion that was displayed.  I was kinda surprised because Aiyana is a major crier….but considering the fact that there’s some similarities between her story and that of the young lady in the video….I was able to walk away with a quiet understanding.

Major shout out to Janks Morton for having the courage to create this piece.  I’ve got much respect for his ability to capture the raw emotion that needs to be revealed to absentee, neglectful, and irresponsible father’s everywhere.  To donate to this project visit http://www.FundDearDaddy.com If you’re interested in checking out and purchasing any of Janks other enlightening films visit http://whatblackmenthink.com/

Boris Kodjoe Tweets Advice On How To Be A Man And How To Love A Woman

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By Team BLAM

Happily married actor, Boris Kodjoe in response to a friends tweets about what to look for in a man, chimed in with a list of his own on how to be a man and how to love a woman.  We give major props to Boris because he unashamedly represents marriage in a positive way and has no problem affirming his wife Nicole Arie Parker.

“- Embrace your imperfections

– Laugh at yourself. A woman likes a man who doesn’t take himself too serious.

– Fix or build something with your hands. It’ll show her that you are capable of taking care of a home.

– Know how to cook and clean. It’ll show her that you don’t need her but that you WANT her.

– Get your passport and travel. A man needs to see the world.

– Communicate without cursing. You don’t need to curse to make a point. Cursing shows lack of substance.

– In bed, take care of your woman first. When she’s satisfied you are DA MAN!!!

– Stay in shape. It’ll show her that you care about yourself and therefore are able to care about her.

– Take care of your responsibilities. Anything less is unacceptable. A boy is irresponsible, not a man.

– Open her her door and pull out her chair. It shows her that you honor traditional values. Trust me, she will do the same.

– Be present! Take her in with your eyes and ears. Your attention will make her feel loved and she won’t ever nag you.

– Read a f—ing book! (Sorry, violation of ‘no cursing’ rule) But seriously, ignorance is a major turn-off. Book on tape will do.

– Have an ambition. You don’t need to be rich but you need to show direction and motivation. Keep a job!

– Last one for today: Treat a woman the way you would want your daughter to be treated. Anything less is unacceptable.”

Ladies you may want to show this list to your man! Fellas if you’re reading this, take note.

Where Are All The Black Men?

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By La-Tonya Slack

The sun is shining, children are laughing and the barbecue grill is smoking. It’s time for the annual family barbecue. However, you’re not that excited to go. Why is that? When you get there all you see is mostly women, children, a few young guys and maybe one or 2 grown men…..then you remember why the excitement is muted. Has that ever happened to you? If not, consider yourself blessed and you should be thankful.

You begin to wonder where all the grown black men are. You remember as a young child sitting on grandpa’s lap and listening to the old stories, or being excited when a great uncle came for a visit. Wanting those days back you realize in your family it may never be. Why? The dynamics of the family has changed over the last 50 years or so.

There are no fathers around, maybe one or 2 distant uncles and a few cousins. What happened to all the granddads, dads, brothers, uncles and cousins? If your family is anything like mine they don’t exist in 2011 and perhaps they never did. Some are dead, some are in jail, others never come around….and you’ve got some that you don’t want to come around.  When you consider men that are in your family who are in jail or strung out on drugs you get attendance that’s close to nothing.

Why is this? Why are there so many black families being lead by grandma and mom? Why are so many children being raised by grandma instead of mom and dad?  Let us stop asking why, and start spearheading positive change.

It’s time for our black men to stand up and take your position as the head of our families. We need you. With strong black men we get strong families, with strong families we build strong neighborhoods; strong neighborhoods lead to strong communities. Right now the black community is at the bottom of the food chain. Obama can’t do it for us. We’ve got to do more and it starts at home. What will you do to incorporate positive change within the black community and in your home?

The 14th Annual National Black Herstory Conference Is March 24-25, 2011

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The National Black Herstory Task Force will be holding the National Black Herstory Conference and Awards Banquet today & tomorrow. We love what they are doing and salute them for their much needed contribution to progress in our community.

These events are designed to explore and chronicle historical,literary, social, artistic, environmental and economic issues affecting women of African descent world-wide. Conferences have also included plays and literary readings at the Martin Luther King National Historic Site, (National Park Service), book fairs and exhibitions in other locations.

The conference theme this year, OUR COLLECTIVE JOURNEYS: PATHWAYS TOWARD HEALING AND FREEDOM establishes a foundation that illuminates the diverse activities, multiplicity of experience and expanding areas of leadership that historically provided the basis for the survival of women of African descent. Even into the 21st Century the lives of many women of African descent are distinguished by exploitation, oppression, injustice and self doubt. Consequently, in exploration of “our collective journeys,” the following panels through the sharing of experiences and reflections will provide information on both the public and private lives of women of African descent and their allies in their search for “pathways toward healing and freedom.”

Emory University Whitehead Biomedical Research Building Auditorium – 615 Michael Street, Atlanta, GA 30322 March 24-25, 2011 – 2:00 pm to 9:00 pm. For more info about the National Black Herstory Conference, CLICK HERE.

How Do You Stay Lifted?

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VIDEO: How are you staying lifted? Are you being intentional about taking your life to another level? What are you focusing on? What is inspiring you? Anytime I ask a question of you it means I’m currently asking myself the same question. So, the words that have been imprinted across my brain lately are: “Aiyana, how are you staying lifted? You gotta stay elevated! Don’t stay stuck!! Keep it moving!” That’s where I’m at right now family. With a company to run, a new website PurposePusher.com launching in a matter of days, a business partner (that would be my husband…smile) to work with, a hubby to please, 4 children to care for, and my own spirit to nurture…..there are a whole  lot of balls I stay juggling.

But, you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have to keep pressing, keep moving and stay on purpose. This video today is a reminder to you (me) that the only way to do that is by staying lifted. Keep it intentional ya’ll!

A Letter To My Single Parent Sisters…

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Recently, I wrote a commentary on a recent murder that happened. This murder happened by a young African American teenager in Philadelphia. He murdered his mother. It really hurt my heart to read about. There were some important comments made in response by mothers. So, I decided to write a letter to my sisters…

~This is to all my sisters….my single parent sisters~

I want each of you to know that when I lift up the fact that there is something…no some-one missing in this boys’s life that could have made a huge difference it does not negate or cancel out his mother’s efforts or actions to instill love, values, discipline, etc in this boy’s life.

I can understand why as single mothers there may be sensitivity when attention is called to the gaping hole and pain that exists when a father is absent. Because it is painful. But, let’s be real…. I know first hand. My father was an on again off again presence in my life for much of my childhood. It wasn’t until my mother remarried when I was 6 that I had a CONSISTENT male figure in my life. And, maaan did my stepfather make a huge difference. His mere presence, let alone his investment in me and love for me dramatically impacted my view of men, and the world…

But, guess what? Even with his undying love for his little girl (because he truly took me on as his own) it did not and could not fill the hole that was left by not having my biological father in my life.

Someone said: I AM THE FATHER. No…..you are not. You can no more be a father than you can sprout a penis or make sperm.

As women most of us can certainly understand how an absent mother can significantly impact a child. So, let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that an absent father does not. I’m not sure why some sisters felt the need to list the accomplishments of their children and talk about all that they have done to sacrifice for and raise their children well. My shedding light on the absent father in this scenario again was not an attempt to knock that mama or any mother.

My talking about the absentee father is certainly not saying that if a father or male figure is not around the male child will be an absolute failure. My point was that men make a difference in the lives of little men. You can have a successful young man come out of a single parent (woman) household and be SUPER successful in the world’s eyes. But, I guarantee you (and this is not just my opinion….this is based on years of experience, working with hundreds of young adolescent males, and the research) HE WILL STILL HAVE ISSUES TO DEAL WITH PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY AS IT RELATES TO NOT HAVING HIS FATHER OR RELATIONSHIPS WITH A MAN WHO GENUINELY LOVES AND LOOKS OUT FOR HIM.

PLEEEEEEEEASE understand that there is NOTHING you can do about that. Even in a two parent household there are pains that children will experience from one parent or another that the other parent can do NOTHING about. We can love the child, be there for the child, but you cannot take the pain away or fill the hole up for your child. Im sorry, you just can’t. Only God and that person can do it for themselves….

Now, as I mentioned in the post I have counseled African American male teens for several years and the common thread for the children I have worked with is that they are angry, delinquent, oppositional, and have no fathers. Now, wait a sec, IN ADDITION to that the environments they live in have a whole bunch of negative influences….oftentimes their mothers have significant emotional and mental health problems , these young men are not being exposed to different possibilities for their lives , and their are generational issues in the home like alcoholism, drug abuse, neglect etc.

So, I AGREE, having a home with an absentee father does not doom one to a life of misery by any means.

BUT KNOW THIS: The young men who had uncles, brothers, etc. STILL DID SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER than the ones with no male figure. Even the young men I worked with who had dysfunctional, f*@ked up fathers who were in the home or consistently involved in their sons’ lives DID SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER than the ones with no male figure.

Many of you said that you make it a point to have men involved in your childrens’ lives and that is so crucial! So, it seems to me that some of us understand that just because there is no father in the home doesn’t mean that our children can’t be exposed to examples of and HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH (there is a difference) strong men.

Like someone said ….it really does take a village. Why, a village? Because each person, each gender, each generation has a part to play…..has a role. If one person could do it all there would be no need for the village. But, it’s NEVER that simple…..NEVER.

Best Intentions,

Aiyana

Where Are You Going In 2011?

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by Aiyana Ma’at This morning I woke up to the smell of my savory black-eyed peas and smoked turkey in the crock pot wafting through the air. The smell took me back to my childhood. My mother would cook all kinds of good food for New Year’s Day. Our family would lounge around the house (except my mom who would be cooking and serving away…poor thing!) playing games, watching movies, eating good food, taking naps, and then waking up just to eat again!

Family and friends would stop by to eat some of our delicious eats and have great conversation around the kitchen or living room tables. Those were the days! As much as I can, whenever I can, (I get better and better each year…smile) I strive to recreate the kind of feelings and memories I have of my own childhood at holiday times for my own children and husband. I know that being able to spend focused and concentrated time with each other is a blessing and I do not take it for granted.

Not only am I intentional about the moments I re-create from my childhood experiences today  but my husband and I are very intentional about reinforcing and instilling a deep and profound sense of vision, direction, and purpose in ourselves and our children. We celebrate Kwanzaa in our family and yesterday and today’s principles are Kuumba (Creativity) and Imani (Faith). Using those principles to anchor our thoughts over the past two days everyone in our family has been working on “Vision Boards” that will ultimately help each of us to continue to re-define and refine ourselves and our goals for this New Year.

So, what exactly is a “Vision Board”?

A vision board (also called a Treasure Map or a Visual Explorer or Creativity Collage) is typically a poster board on which you paste or collage images that you’ve torn out from various magazines. Pretty simple. The idea behind this is that when you surround yourself with images of who you want to become, how you want to feel, what you want to have, etc. your life changes to match those images and those desires.

This has been a wonderful activity for each of us. It’s allowed us to focus our attention on what we want to create in our lives and even though our children are only 3, 4, 6, and 9 they are internalizing what I believe is one of the most awesome gifts my husband and I can give them: the ability to visualize and create what they want to see in their lives.

As you enter the beginning of a New Year create your very own Vision Board and the life you want. Christine Kane has some excellent tips on different kinds of Vision Boards you can create. So, get your mind and spirit right, take the limits off, and cut and paste away to your destiny!

Tips to start from Christine Kane:

Before you begin your vision board:

No matter which method you’re choosing, have a little ritual before you begin your vision board. Sit quietly and set the intent. With lots of kindness and openness, ask yourself what it is you want. Maybe one word will be the answer. Maybe images will come into your head. Just take a moment to be with that. This process makes it a deeper experience. It gives a chance for your ego to step aside just a little, so that you can more clearly create your vision.

The Five Steps of Creating a Vision Board:

Step 1: Go through your magazines and tear the images from them. No gluing yet! Just let yourself have lots of fun looking through magazines and pulling out pictures or words or headlines that strike your fancy. Have fun with it. Make a big pile of images and phrases and words.

Step 2: Go through the images and begin to lay your favorites on the board. Eliminate any images that no longer feel right. This step is where your intuition comes in. As you lay the pictures on the board, you’ll get a sense how the board should be laid out. For instance, you might assign a theme to each corner of the board. Health, Job, Spirituality, Relationships, for instance. Or it may just be that the images want to go all over the place. Or you might want to fold the board into a book that tells a story. At my retreats, I’ve seen women come up with wildly creative ways to present a vision board.

Step 3: Glue everything onto the board. Add writing if you want. You can paint on it, or write words with markers.

Step 4: (optional, but powerful) Leave space in the very center of the vision board for a fantastic photo of yourself where you look radiant and happy. Paste yourself in the center of your board.

Step 5: Hang your vision board in a place where you will see it often.

Three Types of Vision Boards:

1 – The “I Know Exactly What I Want” Vision Board

Do this vision board if:

– You’re very clear about your desires.

– You want to change your environment or surroundings.

– There is a specific thing you want to manifest in your life. (i.e. a new home, or starting a business.)

How to create this vision board:

With your clear desire in mind, set out looking for the exact pictures which portray your vision. If you want a house by the water, then get out the Dwell magazine and start there. If you want to start your own business, find images that capture that idea for you. If you want to learn guitar, then find that picture. I remember at the last retreat, one woman yelled out, “If anyone finds a picture of a little girl with red hair who looks happy, give it to me!” And someone else yelled out, “I’m looking for a Cadillac!” Pretty soon, a lively trading session began. Following the five steps above, create your vision board out of these images.

2 – The “Opening and Allowing” Vision Board

Do this vision board if:

– You’re not sure what exactly you want

– You’ve been in a period of depression or grief

– You have a vision of what you want, but are uncertain about it in some way.

– You know you want change but don’t know how it’s possible.

How to create this vision board:

Go through each magazine. Tear out images that delight you. Don’t ask why. Just keep going through the magazines. If it’s a picture of a teddy bear that makes you smile, then pull it out. If it’s a cottage in a misty countryside, then rip it out. Just have fun and be open to whatever calls to you. Then, as you go through Step 2 above, hold that same openness, but ask yourself what this picture might mean. What is it telling you about you? Does it mean you need to take more naps? Does it mean you want to get a dog, or stop hanging out with a particular person who drains you? Most likely you’ll know the answer. If you don’t, but you still love the image, then put it on your vision board anyway. It will have an answer for you soon enough. Some women at my retreats had NO idea what their board was about, and it wasn’t until two months later that they understood. The Opening and Allowing Vision Board can be a powerful guide for you. I like it better than the first model because sometimes our egos think they know what we want, and lots of times those desires aren’t in alignment with who we really are. This goes deeper than just getting what you want. It can speak to you and teach you a little bit about yourself and your passion.

3 – The “Theme” Vision Board

Do this vision board if:

– It’s your birthday or New Years Eve or some significant event that starts a new cycle.

– If you are working with one particular area of your life. For instance, Work & Career.

How to create this vision board:

The only difference between this vision board and the others is that this one has clear parameters and intent. Before you begin the vision board, take a moment to hold the intent and the theme in mind. When you choose pictures, they will be in alignment with the theme. You can do the Theme Vision Board on smaller pages, like a page in your journal.

Some things to remember about vision boards:

– You can use a combination of all three types of vision boards as you create. Sometimes you might start out doing one kind, and then your intuition takes over and shifts into a whole different mode. That’s called creativity. Just roll with it.

– Your vision board might change as you are making it. I was just talking with a friend of mine who said that she had been making a vision board for the new year. The theme was all about what she wanted in this year. Then, as she pulled pictures and began to lay them out, the theme changed into a simpler one about her everyday life and the moments in each day. It surprised and delighted her to experience that evolution. You might find that you have little epiphanies from making a vision board.

Make a Vision Journal

Another option is to use these same principles in a big sketch book. Get a large sketch book and keep an on-going vision journal. This is especially effective if you’re going through many transitions in your life.

The possibilities are endless! Happy New Year B Intentional Family!!!!!!!!!

A Balanced Response To “For Colored Girls” Critics…Finally A Black Man Who Likes The Movie

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VIDEO: There has been a lot of backlash to Tyler Perry’s movie “For Colored Girls”. A whole lot of folk have taken issue with Perry’s depiction of black men in this movie and many of his films. Here, we share our thoughts on “For Colored Girls” and offer a balanced opinion on the films depiction of black men, black women, and black relationships.

Do we think there needs to be more positive depictions of black men in cinema? Absolutely.

Is it Tyler Perry’s responsibility to bring that to the screen ? Not necessarily—but we shouldn’t forget “Daddy’s Girls” or the people in Perry’s past movies that have played the parts of “good insightful men and women”.

Do we think black people have a long history of “keeping secrets” & not wanting to acknowledge the ills in our community? Yup! So, do many of Tyler Perry’s movies kick up a lot of folks issues that they don’t want kicked up? Yup!

Is it fair that Perry seems to be held to a different kind of standard than other movie makers? No, it’s not fair. Where’s the outcry against “Boyz N The Hood” or “Belly” or any number of movies that depict men in “a not so positive” light? With that said–we don’t think it’s that big a problem to be held to a different standard….it comes with the territory of being black and talented. However, what’s not fair is the fact that when someone brings their genuine “truth” to the screen in a way that evokes serious thought and emotion black folks have a problem. But, when we see, for example, the character “Smokey” that Chris Rock played in the movie “Friday” we eat it up!!! No protests about how his character perpetuates images of black men that are damaging, poisonous, or crippling to the community. What’s up with that??? Dare we say that black folks can be oh so hypocritical….

Maybe, there’s something we’re missing. Listen in to hear what we think and then put your opinion out there.

Women Need To Compete For Their Man—Whether Just Dating Or Married

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By Aiyana Ma’at Yesterday, while on the way home , I came across the Michael Baisden show on the radio and happened upon an interesting conversation that had a lot of women hot—as in mad. Michael Baisden talked about the fact that women need to compete for a man before they get him and once they have him. When I got home I got on the phone with some single & married sista friends to see what they thought—my idea of a quick little survey. Most of them made comments like this: “Compete? What?! Why? This ain’t no competition!” or “I want to feel as If I’m the only one, as If I’m special—I wouldn’t feel like that If I had to compete for my man.” or “This is my husband. I already got him. Ain’t no need for all that!”

So, I’ll be honest when I first heard the word compete it just rubbed me the wrong way. As women I think we like to focus on the lovey dovey sweet romance of our relationships rather than the nitty gritty, come with your A game, “do what you did to get him even when you got him” part of our relationships. But, if I’m honest a little healthy competition can only help not hurt my marriage. Keeping my game tight and handling my business is a responsibility and a privilege. If men have to compete for women then why do we feel as if it’s beneath us to “compete”? It’s all in how you look at it. For me, personally, it means just a few of the following things:

  • Continually work on listening more and talking less.
  • Make it a point to express my support of my husband in my words and actions.
  • Make sure sex is not some theory in a dusty book on a shelf that never gets opened—give him some regularly.
  • Continue to expand my horizons and my mind so I have something to bring to my relationship intellectually.
  • Keep it honest with him like no one else can—that means I consider his growth by keeping it real with what I say to him and I consider his feelings with how I say things to him.
  • Make sure that I give him space to just be and don’t crowd him out with wanting to have things my way all the time—I’ll admit it—I can be quite self-centered at times.

Again, these are just some of the things that I do to compete for my man. So, sistas, you can get caught up in the word compete and talk about what we shouldn’t have to do or what we ain’t gonna do. But, remember this: What you won’t do—somebody else will.