It Matters When Dad Shows Up

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By Jill Nagle

I just talked with a new coworker whose pictures of his beautiful family were flashing over his screen. We talked about parenting, and kids. Here’s what he said about fatherhood:

“My wife and I have very separate busy lives, but because we are both active in our daughter’s life, our relationship grows stronger. Many times I wonder how I “turned out OK” because my father was the typical dad of his day, and I was on my own to “grow up.” Taking an active role in helping my daughter learn new things continues to teach me about myself in return! The ability to be a part of her life and development as a person is one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given.”

I knew what he was talking about. Media images from shows in the 50s and 60s (like “Leave it to Beaver” and “Father Knows Best” ) showed pretty segregated gender roles. Stereotypical Dads impregnated their wives, brought home the bacon, and meted out discipline when Junior didn’t obey. Nowadays, that’s the kind of scenario someone might bring to therapy to “recover” from.

Times sure have changed.

Though economic pressures weigh heavily on most families, and segregated roles still seem to be the only viable alternative in many two-parent families I talk to, many families find ways to mix things up regardless. Some have for generations!

Here are three of the biggest benefits I see that men get when they show up and decide to take on parenting as part of who they are:

1) Wholeness. The more time men spend with their families, the more perspective and balance they feel with their outside jobs (and yes, challenge to keep that balance). This results in greater ability to relax (it’s hard to be uptight with little ones jumping on you and giggling),more of an overall sense of well-being, and greater contact with the whole of their humanity, including the part that gets to relate to others. Yes, that great guy is more than a money-making machine-he’s a warm and wonderful DAD!

2) Greater closeness with partner. If a man is partnered, and he and his partner share child responsibilities, they share a significant part of their worlds. When two people have completely separate worlds, they have less to talk about and can become more entrenched in what’s necessary to inhabit the world they spend the most time in. This was most obvious in housewife-breadwinner “Leave it to Beaver” roles of the 1950’s, but still can exert influence on families today. When those roles are more fluid, there’s more common ground to share and bond around. Families who share responsibilities also have a chance to share more intimacy.

And here’s the best thing a “Show-Up” dad gets:

3) A real relationship with his children. We get the relationships we cultivate. When we show up and take an interest in what our kids are doing, listen to them, share in their worlds and share our worlds with them in appropriate and joyful ways, (funny, it works this way with adults, too!) we form the foundation for a rich and rewarding relationship for the rest of our lives.

Jill Nagle is a family mediator who co-writes Awake Parent Perspectives, an online weekly newsletter at http://www.awakeparent.com Frustrated with toddler tantrums? Not sure if you’re raising them right? Feeling disconnected from your partner? Subscribe to http://www.awakeparent.com today!

100 Ways To Be A Better Father

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By Derek Markham

Fatherhood is a tricky proposition. We all want to be great dads, but chances are, our fathers never sat down with us and taught us how to be one.

And we don’t necessarily want to be our fathers. I mean, we want to emulate their positive influence on us, but we also want to do it our own way. And because children tend to spend more of their time with their mother, not being the greatest dad ever isn’t as obvious. No matter who we are, though, we can always improve our relationship with our kids and our spouses, and we can redefine the meaning of fatherhood each and every day.

There’s not as big of a movement toward better “fathering” as there is toward better mothering. No big fancy fatherhood magazines, no Oprah for dads, no real exchange of fatherhood improvement programs. There’s just DadsGood. (I’m kidding. There’s a bunch of great dad blogs out there.)

I’m a crappy dad sometimes, but I hope that I’m always learning how to be a better father, so here are some of my thoughts on fatherhood I wanted to share with you.

If you have something to add, I’d love a comment about it.

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100 Ways to Be a Better Father

  1. Be present with your children.
  2. Heap lavish amounts of praise on your kids.
  3. Focus on the positive when speaking to your children.
  4. Say I love you. A lot.
  5. Don’t be afraid to show your emotions to your family.
  6. Work on improving your relationship with your wife or partner.
  7. Take time out from work for family time.
  8. Laugh at yourself. Regularly.
  9. Listen to your kids with all of your attention.
  10. Learn new things by teaching your children about them.
  11. Start a personal journal.
  12. Hold your kids accountable for their actions and words, but don’t use punishment to teach.
  13. Leave your watch and phone on your desk sometimes.
  14. Make a meal for your family.
  15. Do something wacky and unpredictable in front of your kids.
  16. Spend some time one-on-one with your child.
  17. Get moving. Have a fitness plan in place and get your kids to join in.
  18. Take more walks, and leave the car at home.
  19. Fall in love with your wife. Again.
  20. Admit you’re wrong when you are.
  21. Forgive your dad for any grudges you hold against him.
  22. Teach a new dad what you’ve learned so far.
  23. Take time for yourself, so you can bring that sense of fulfillment with you to the family.
  24. Remember what you hated to hear from your parents as a kid and vow to be different.
  25. Read out loud to your children.
  26. Leave your work issues at your job. Don’t dump on your kids because you had a rough day.
  27. Drop your change in a jar each day. When full, open a savings account for your child.
  28. Once in a while, ask your kids what you can do better. Then do it better.
  29. Hugs and kisses are golden. Be generous.
  30. Let your kids make their own choices. Sometimes.
  31. Get out in nature with the family.
  32. Count to 10 before you react to your children’s actions.
  33. Remember that kids mirror our actions, so watch what you say and do around them.
  34. Parenting is a shared responsibility. Jump in and do something mom normally does.
  35. Learn from your elders—ask them what they’ve learned as fathers.
  36. When a child does something not so nice, separate their actions from them in your mind. A child is never bad, even though their actions may be.
  37. The next time you feel like giving up on something, do it anyway and use it as a teaching moment.
  38. Remember that everyone is somebody’s child.
  39. Listen to yourself. Do you sound like your dad? Is that a good thing?
  40. Give yourself a break. I haven’t met a father yet who doesn’t make mistakes.
  41. Unplug the TV and pretend it’s broken once in a while. Or hide it.
  42. Go with your child to school once in a while. Meet the teacher and ask how you can help.
  43. Make your health and fitness a priority so you’ll be around for your kids for a long time.
  44. Teach the value of service to others by volunteering in your neighborhood, church, or school.
  45. Write love notes and leave them for your kids to find.
  46. Read a book about fatherhood.
  47. Write a book about fatherhood.
  48. Make some snacks for the kids as a surprise.
  49. Speak as one with your wife, so your kids don’t play you off on one another.
  50. Do you say yes all the time? Use no when you mean it, even if they don’t like it.
  51. Do you say no all the time? Say yes once in a while.
  52. Snuggle with your kids.
  53. Show your wife respect always. Make sure your kids do also.
  54. Take the time to really explain things to your children. Don’t just say “because I said so.”
  55. Ask for help if you need it. Don’t suffer from excess pride.
  56. Accept who you are, but don’t settle. Strive to improve yourself every day.
  57. Smile at your children and your partner.
  58. Make amends when you’re wrong or grumpy or harsh with your kids.
  59. Periodically assess your life and change course if needed. Don’t be unhappy just because you think you can’t change.
  60. Take a class or learn a new skill with your kids.
  61. Act as if you’re the best dad ever.
  62. Imagine you’ve only got one week left to live. How would you treat your kids? What’s stopping you from doing that right now?
  63. Let your kids see you cry.
  64. Explore every park in your town.
  65. Once in a while, take a day off and spend it with your family.
  66. Find out about your family history and start sharing it with your kids.
  67. Give high fives for each tiny accomplishment they make.
  68. Get out of debt as quick as you can, and teach your kids about the value of being debt-free.
  69. Take a big leap; teach your children about trust, faith, and the virtue of following your dreams.
  70. Get down on their level and try to see things as they do. Chances are, you’ve forgotten what it’s like.
  71. Learn some really corny kid jokes and use them often.
  72. Hold a family meeting and get your kid’s input on important decisions.
  73. Don’t just give your kids the answers to questions. Show them how to find the answers.
  74. Remember, they’re never too old for piggyback rides.
  75. Have patience with your children. Don’t expect them to be perfect.
  76. Don’t insist on conformity. Let your kids follow their dreams, not yours.
  77. Hold their hands, literally.
  78. Remember to let your children save face. Embarrassing them in front of their friends is not cool.
  79. Keep your relationship issues between you and your wife. Don’t let your kids take on all your crap.
  80. When your children were babies, you gushed over them. Do the same thing for them now.
  81. Don’t gossip around your kids.
  82. Stand up for the weak, the oppressed, the underdog.
  83. Grow a beard. (Actually, I just put that in to see if you were paying attention.)
  84. Take your child to work with you and explain what you do for a living.
  85. Make something by hand with them. Don’t worry about perfection, just enjoy the process.
  86. Once in a while, give them a “get out of jail free” card.
  87. Tell your children how much they mean to you.
  88. Follow through on your promises to them.
  89. Give your kids responsibilities.
  90. Speak to your children as your equals. Give them the respect you ask for.
  91. Plan surprises for them and keep them guessing.
  92. When speaking to other adults, act as if your kids were listening.
  93. Play games with your children. Let them win sometimes, but don’t make it obvious or easy.
  94. Before you walk in the door from work, take some deep breaths and leave your work outside.
  95. Give mom the day off once in a while, and get the kids to help you pamper her.
  96. Be generous with your time, your energy, and your money. Give freely to those in need.
  97. Cultivate your Fatherhood Superpowers.
  98. Don’t let other adults get away with unacceptable behavior around your kids.
  99. Remember the Golden Rule. It applies to your children as well.
  100. Find your center and define what truly matters to you. Make that your inner retreat when life throws you a curve ball, and share that with your kids.

What have I missed? Please leave a comment with your addition to this list.

Derek Markham is a writer, father, and social butterfly who builds websites and teaches small business owners how to integrate new media into their marketing and PR efforts. Visit him at naturalpapa.com

Ayize Interviews Ken Bevel, Co-Star Of The Hit Movie “Courageous”

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Sit back and enjoy a conversation I (Ayize Ma’at) had with the Co-Star of the hit movie “Courageous”, Ken Bevel. This movie has revived the dialogue across the country about fatherhood and it’s importance in developing healthy families and building strong communities. This movie was tight…with a CAPITAL “T” I thoroughly enjoyed it and was emotionally moved on many levels to examine myself and challenge myself not to be just a good father….but instead be a great father. If you haven’t seen the movie yet…GO CHECK IT OUT. It’s playing in theaters nationwide.

I Saw A Kiss That Changed My Outlook On Life

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By Lana Moline

I saw a kiss that changed my outlook on life.  Now I don’t typically go around watching other people kiss but there was something about this one that was just special.  What was even more amazing is that every time I witness this type of display I admit that I experience the same emotion. It’s the moment a father leans in to embrace and kiss his son.  That melts my heart.

When boys are young, it is easy for society to accept the tenderness in father/son interaction.  On any given day it’s easy to find a father and son at school events, shopping malls or even their place of worship.  Who wouldn’t smile at a dad throwing a ball to his son or helping his little one climb up the sliding board?

Dads are equally invested in the emotional support of their kids and when a need is indicated such as an accident on a playground, for example, dads comfort their sons with love and affection and everyone around is in agreement that is good.  What is amazing, however, is that during the course of a boy’s upbringing this same affection becomes almost downright unacceptable.  I’m proud to say I’ve spoken to many dads who simply refuse to let society dictate how they raise their kids.  They remain sensitive to the needs of their son while teaching them to grow into a man.

The thing that’s bugged me is why otherwise wholesome affection has become so stigmatized.  When I look at the family structure of even my own family, I see how things have changed.  I think 50 years ago, our idea of family was primarily a man and woman working together side by side to raise a family and make a positive mark on the world.  That’s what we all wanted.  We each have stories of visiting our grandparents and how they were simply operating in love.

Well today that isn’t exactly the picture we see.  An increasing number of children are born to parents who are not married.  Although this does not suggest that kids cannot be just as nourished in this situation, it does make it challenging when custody or visitation agreements can’t be met.  As a result, the bonds that are formed early on are engulfed in hurt and confusion.

So here’s what I am saying.  I believe that an equal balance of affection would allow our young men to witness healthy affection from both parents and solidify a foundation for love. So to all the dads, listen closely – I heart hugs!  You should too!

Lana Moline is a freelance writer and poet who lives in Fort Worth with her husband and three kids. She has been married 11 years and understands that marriage truly is a journey that is sometimes complicated by our own thoughts, perceptions and feelings. Visit her at her blog LanaSuccess4Kids.wordpress.com

Are We Ruining Our Women?

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

I hear men complaining about damaged women all of the time. If you were to listen to most men, you would believe that we are always the correct and sane sex, while women  are crazy and always wrong. Too bad life is never really that black and white. Long before the book “Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus” was written, men and women knew that we could not have come from the same planet. In all honesty men and women really don’t see eye to eye on most subjects. At the same time though, we see and know more than we  let on that we see and know.

I’ve written before that “Men are Vultures” because like the bird, we like to attack what we consider to be weaker prey. Men love opportunity and we will pounce on you when you are at your weakest point. Unless a man has been hiding under a rock all of his life, he generally knows the biggest weaknesses of women. Like a trained boxer, if he sees a cut under your eye, he will keep punching at it so that he can exploit it. This is why I can’t defend men completely when women attack us for our misdeeds.

Back in the day men used to lie to women in order to get what they wanted. Over time we realized that there was no need to lie. We can now tell you the truth and still get the same results but without the negative names and labels that women used to apply to our deceit. At some point most women have heard “I am not looking for a serious relationship”. If you haven’t heard it, trust me you will. That is the famous clause that both men and women use however the “male lawyer mind” has perfected it.

Telling a woman that we are not looking for a serious relationship is our way of saying, just in case something goes wrong with this little “agreement” we have, you don’t have grounds to disrespect me or be upset because I told you so from the beginning. If you look back at my article, “Your Weaknesses Used Against You,” you will see I have written that men know exactly what we are doing when we tell you we are not looking for anything serious. We know that women tend to say that they are cool with this arrangement at first but the law of averages will tell you, that most women cannot handle It. The man thinks that because we can say “I told you so,” we are somehow exonerated.

Men, like women, love to be in relationships. The difference between the sexes is that at some point women tend to want one man and men tend to want many women with that main woman leading the pack. Men want the benefits of being in a relationship but do not want the responsibility of the relationship. So he is willing to take you out, come over  your house to watch “Love Jones,” and in many cases spend quality time with you doing whatever. He will unofficially be your man but trust me, he officially still believes that he is not your man.

Deep down fellas, we are ruining our women because we use what we know are their weaknesses against them, for our own selfish gain. If you know that women think a certain way and you still choose to do certain things, you should hold yourself accountable for your dishonesty. You are purposely riding this gravy train and in many cases are purposely being misleading. You really don’t care that she will be hurt in this, all you care about is getting what you can get for as long as you can get it.

I understand that this is frustrating for both sides. On one hand we are telling women the truth. One the other hand women claim to understand and maybe even believe that they can survive the “just friends” category, yet both sides are GUILTY! Men are guilty because we know the results of this game before we start to play and women are guilty for deciding to play and then screaming foul once the game gets heated.
For my future daughters, I hope that men will change and learn to be more responsible. At the same time, if men never change I write this so that my future daughters and other women will decide not to get caught up in this foolish game.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.  Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com

An Open Letter To Married Men: She Ain’t Your Wife….LEAVE HER ALONE!

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Fellas, you didn’t think I was going to let you off that easy, (An Open Letter To Single Sisters: He’s Married LEAVE HIM ALONE), did you? Come on.. You know me better than that.

Why is it so hard to stay faithful to one woman? Since we’ve been communicating for awhile, don’t try to hand me the normal crap. None of the “well you know, men are visual creatures. We need variety.” Or the “the only thing better than good p*ssy is new p*ssy.” We are beyond that. So what is it? I mean can you really explain it to me?

Is it“my wife just doesn’t understand me anymore?” Have you tried talking with her? UMMMM, chances are the answer is no. For some reason, humans have a hard time talking to the person that they claim means the most to them. Instead of running off at the mouth with the next chick, how about talking with your wife.

“We don’t have sex like we used to.” Are your moves predictable? Can she count on the exact same 3 moves every night? I love cheesecake but I have a sneaky suspicision that if I ate it every night for a month, I might be sick of it and want a Snickers bar instead. Go back to your bag of tricks and put in some horizontal work.

“She’s gained weight.” Are you eating what she’s cooking? I thought so. So chances are you’ve gained too. So take over the cooking duties a few times a week. Ask her to go on a walk with you to spend some quality time together. See how slick that was? I didn’t mention exercise or tell her to lose weight. I said “quality time.” Believe me, the phrasing makes all the difference.

“She doesn’t keep herself up anymore.” Quick. Take out your cell phone and credit card. Call her best friend and tell her to make a hair, mani/pedi, Brazillian wax, and massage appointment for your wife. Ask the best friend to take her to the MAC counter to get a makeover. Go to Victoria Secret and pick out something that you want to see her in. Gift wrap the package. Send the kids to their grandma’s house. When your wife gets home, take her out and show her off. After all of the positive attention that she receives, she will do it more often. Trust me.

“We’ve grown apart.” Valid problem, but not an irreconcilable difference. Call your church’s marriage ministry. Attend marriage Sunday school. Talk to each other. Talk to a counselor. Go on vacation together to a place neither of you have been. That will force you to talk to each other. Or recreate early memories. Where was your first date? Go there. Recapture that love.

“It’s just easy with the other woman.” Of course it’s easy. Do you think getting into trouble is ever hard? Do you think thatsatan is stupid? No. The enemy wants you to perceive it as easier to make you make mistakes. Duh! So it is easy with the mistress right now. She never complains. She never fusses with you. She never makes you angry, right? Do you know why? Because she doesn’t know all of you. She has been entertaining your PR agent. She doesn’t know your quirks or shortcomings. That’s because she is your mistress, not your wife.

And that’s the fundemental difference between a mistress and a wife.  A mistresses loves the PR agent, while wives love the man.

CLICK HERE to read Part 1 (An Open Letter To My Single Sisters: He’s Married…LEAVE HIM ALONE)

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick.  An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing.  You can read more of her work atwww.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.

Gentlemen, You Are NOT Ready To Get Married IF…..

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By Ayize Ma’at

In the marriage counseling and coaching work that my wife and I do with couples from around the country, I’m frequently asked, “How do you know she’s ‘the one'”, or “How do I know when I’m ready to get married?”  Sometimes when I hear these questions it’s hard to keep a straight face because in many of these situations the men are engaging in behavior that’s “questionable” at best and got the nerve to look me in the eyes and even suggest that they’re ready for marriage.  Of course as a good relationship coach I remain neutral as I provide my answer and lift up the importance of healthy relationships. Truth be told, their questions and situations inspire me.  I’ve created a list of 10 reasons that YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.  Enjoy.

Gentlemen,

You are not ready to get married if……..

1. YOU DEFINE YOUR “PRIMARY FAMILY” AS:  YOU, BROTHER, SISTER, MOMMY & DADDY INSTEAD OF YOU, YOUR WIFE, AND FUTURE CHILDREN

Fellas it’s time to grow up.  Your woman is looking for you to assume your role as the priest of your home.  If you’re unwilling to do that and you’re psychologically or emotionally in a space where you want to be “taken care of” …..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

2.  YOU’VE BEEN A “PLAYA” FOR 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR AND YOU THINK MARRIAGE WILL MIRACULOUSLY MAKE YOU MONOGAMOUS

Come on “Sun”….don’t get stuck on the numbers you are too bright for that.  LOL.  We are creatures of habit and unfortunately you’ve created a deeply embedded behavioral pattern that makes it practically impossible to flip the switch to fidelity.  If you’re trusting in your “magical” ability to make an instantaneous shift…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

3. YOU THINK LIFE AFTER “I DO” MEANS 15% WITH YOUR WIFE AND 85% WITH YOUR “BOYS”

I know you enjoy choppin’ it up with the fellas….which is cool BUT building anything (i.e. business, gaming, fantasy football, and oh..your relationship) requires time, attention, and patience.  Being married is about building your marriage.  If you are unwilling to dramatically alter the aforementioned ratio…YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

4.  YOU ONLY WANT A MRS.

Gentlemen, WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!  In case you haven’t noticed women everywhere are gettin’ their hustle on and demonstrating that they have been and always will be able to be more than JUST A WIFE.  By no means am I minimizing the role of a wife…I’m just saying that if you expect your woman to ONLY be a Mrs. till death do you part, you are in for a rude awakening and…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.  It’s 2011 and women are out here gettin’ it.

5.  ANOTHER WOMAN’S VAGINA IS IN YOUR MOUTH OR WRAPPED AROUND YOUR PENIS THE DAY BEFORE YOUR WEDDING

We’re all grown right?….Let me make it plain…YOU CAN’T DANCE IN THE WATER AND NOT GET WET”!  How many times have you heard somebody saying “this is the last time”…only to find themselves saying “this is the last time” 1 week later? I know what you’re thinking….”But it’s the Bachelor Party”…right?  Let me tell you this…Every man that I know that has humped someone else the night before has continued humping someone else during marriage….which has consequently led to relationship DRAMA.  If the last minute “jump off” is that important….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

6.  NOTHING IS EVER UP FOR DISCUSSION

If you think your voice, opinions, suggestions, or ideas are the ONLY ones worthy of being heard and implemented in your relationship, YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.  Your woman ain’t having that.  Relationships are about an exchange of ideas…NOT blind obedience to one persons’ truth. Your woman is not your pet.

7.  YOU BELIEVE THE WOMAN YOU’RE MARRYING TODAY IS THE WOMAN YOU’RE GONNA BE SPENDING YOUR LIFE WITH TOMORROW

Although I’m figuratively using today and tomorrow, I want to drive home the literal point that PEOPLE CHANGE.  Life is about transformation and reaching a higher level of consciousness.  Your wife has a path in life that she’s been charged to follow.  If you demand that she stand still and be the “same person” for the rest of your lives….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

8. YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE PRIORITY

If yall have the fortune to be blessed with child, please know that you’re gonna take the back seat to the baby for about 1 year. Don’t worry it’s normal.  If you are unwilling to “fall back” and allow your wife to bond with your newborn…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

9.  YOU DEMAND THE SEX BE ON DEMAND

Actually it is….at the push of a button that is.  LOL. On the real tho’ your lady probably won’t “drop it like it’s hot”  just because you ask and ya’ll are married now.  Don’t get me wrong….married sex is the most amazing sex you can have (if you’re really connected with her).  But if you demand the sex be on demand after you jump the broom…..YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

10. YOU DON’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE MOST REWARDING FEELING YOU’VE EVER FELT BEFORE….LOVE

All I can say is your relationship will “grow you up” and give you a gift like you’ve never had before.  You relationship will give you the healing, rejuvenating, resuscitating, refreshing, and replenishing feelings of love IF YOU ALLOW IT.  If you are not ready to work on yourself and work on your relationship so you can reap the benefits of becoming one….YOU ARE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED.

VIDEO: Confronting Sexism, Misogyny, and Hyper-Masculinity In Hip Hop

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By Team BLAM

For decades there have been constant complaints around the representation of black women in the rap industry. The industry itself has managed to suppress the deafening disapproval expressed by both black men and women who are concerned about the presence of sexism and misogyny in the rap game.  That’s no surprise.  The voice you hear is usually the one with the most money, power, influence, and unfortunately in the world of rap the woman is undervalued, marginalized, and consequently unheard.

This is not cool.  The condition of our community can be determined by the psychological, emotional, and spiritual condition of our women.  If we don’t take care of our women and our women don’t take care of themselves….who do we expect to do it?  Oh…I guess the rap industry will.  Smh

We, at BLAM want to give a shout out to award winning film maker Byron Hurt for having the courage to challenge the misrepresentation of women in hip hop through his documentary Hip -Hop: Beyond Beats And Rhymes. He’s shaking up popular notions by taking on misogyny, sexism, and hyper-masculinity.  He’s being intentional about shaping and shifting people’s paradigms by making us all aware that when it comes to the rap game it’s way more to it than what meets the eye.

Thank you Byron

Men Are Not Dogs….We Are Vultures (At Least Some Of Us That Is)

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By llex Bien-aime

Something All women Should Know-An Unfortunate Truth.

My wife and I are talking about having a baby soon. She is so excited about the potential of having little girls, while I on the other hand only want sons. She thinks that I don’t want daughters because they will have me wrapped around their little fingers but that’s not quite it – I just don’t want my future daughters to deal with the Vultures that will surely come their way.

Yes, fellas – I am calling us Vultures. Men, like Vultures, are animals who prey on others. The Vulture seeks to attack weaker animals for the sake of fulfilling their own gain and as men, we are no different. They say that Vultures seldom attack healthy animals. Do we not do the same? We generally seek easy targets and women with some type of self esteem issue. I am sure by now healthy women would have noticed that many men stay away because if what we are looking for requires too much work to accomplish, we move on to an easier target.

I know that women do not like to hear a man call them weak and some of them think themselves to be stronger than they really are but that false belief opens women up to becoming lambs to the slaughter. Some confuse being well-educated, gainfully employed, and generally self sufficient as a protection against the Vulture but in all honesty, most men find that these things only mask other insecurities women have.

I am no clinical physiologist but the term “daddy issues” is real. So many women are trying to find love in the wrong places and in many cases will do some strange things to get it. They think that their actions will win the Vulture over, but it does not. The goal of the Vulture is to attack – and what better victim is there than a woman trying to win a man over while he does nothing to win her over. At that very moment (just like a vulture), it is as if he is flying in the desert and spots you from miles away. He can see the desperation of your actions in the same way that the Vulture can see the fatigue of the dying animal. In that very moment he knows that you are safe for the attack!

Where Are All The Black Men?

/in , /by

By La-Tonya Slack

The sun is shining, children are laughing and the barbecue grill is smoking. It’s time for the annual family barbecue. However, you’re not that excited to go. Why is that? When you get there all you see is mostly women, children, a few young guys and maybe one or 2 grown men…..then you remember why the excitement is muted. Has that ever happened to you? If not, consider yourself blessed and you should be thankful.

You begin to wonder where all the grown black men are. You remember as a young child sitting on grandpa’s lap and listening to the old stories, or being excited when a great uncle came for a visit. Wanting those days back you realize in your family it may never be. Why? The dynamics of the family has changed over the last 50 years or so.

There are no fathers around, maybe one or 2 distant uncles and a few cousins. What happened to all the granddads, dads, brothers, uncles and cousins? If your family is anything like mine they don’t exist in 2011 and perhaps they never did. Some are dead, some are in jail, others never come around….and you’ve got some that you don’t want to come around.  When you consider men that are in your family who are in jail or strung out on drugs you get attendance that’s close to nothing.

Why is this? Why are there so many black families being lead by grandma and mom? Why are so many children being raised by grandma instead of mom and dad?  Let us stop asking why, and start spearheading positive change.

It’s time for our black men to stand up and take your position as the head of our families. We need you. With strong black men we get strong families, with strong families we build strong neighborhoods; strong neighborhoods lead to strong communities. Right now the black community is at the bottom of the food chain. Obama can’t do it for us. We’ve got to do more and it starts at home. What will you do to incorporate positive change within the black community and in your home?