Are You A Fighter? Take This Quiz & Find Out.

When you have a disagreement do you calmly and clearly make an effort to get your point across? Do you take time to make sure your words aren’t hurtful or inflammatory? Or, do you just go for what you know and let your spouse have it? Take this quiz & find out!

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Is Your History Holding You Back? Examining Black History & Black Love In YOUR Life.

by Aiyana Ma’at Today is the first day in February, a month that traditionally focuses on the rich and vibrant past of black folks and the often misunderstood but, oh so powerful, concept of Love. As I sat this morning in my quiet time I began to think about the whirlwind of events and happenings that will be taking place this month…Black History Celebrations, i.e., reports on Harriet Tubman (you know you did one when you were little) :-), recitations of Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech , African drumming & dancing performances, and on and on. Let’s not forget about all of the “Love” focus that will be taking place this month…Sweetheart Dances, gifts of chocolate & roses,  children begging parents to get the perfect Valentine cards (with the lollipop stuck to it) to give to friends at school. These are but a few of the small and big traditions that we as African Americans engage in during the month of February. And, it’s all good…

Except today, I want you and I to do something a little different. I want us to take this “Black History” & “Black Love” thang to another level.  Let’s do a little Self-examination. But, first let’s be clear on exactly what self-examination is. Self- examination is introspection and contemplation of one’s own state, conduct, motives, and desires. At least, this is how the dictionary defines it. I like that definition. But, just in case that’s a bit too wordy for you, here’s my definition: Self-examinationTo get real and stay real as you look at your “real” self and not your “made up” self. “So,What’s the point?”, you ask. You see, we don’t want to look at ourselves just because we can. No, the point is to gain insight into who we’ve been, who we really are now (as in are you really living your life in the way that you like to present to the outside world?), and who we are destined to become. It just amazes me sometimes at how many people do not take time out to just sit down somewhere and look at themselves. But, hey I understand it….because I’m guilty of not doing it too.

Ok, so now that we’re clear on self-examination let’s get back to looking at your personal Black History & Black Love Lessons. The title of this article is: Is Your History Holding You Back? How would you know if it is or isn’t? When you take a moment to think about what it was like growing up in your house with the people that lived in your house what comes up for you? Were there beautiful, balanced, and affirming images of love between your parents, other adults, and between you and your caretakers. How were you treated? Did everybody scream  in your house? Did everybody stuff their feelings down and make sure they were “appropriate” all the time?

And, what about the legacy of relationships and marriage in your family? Were most folks happily married? Were you and all of your cousins and nem’ (smile) raised in single parent households? Or were there folks in your family married….with the husband having a family on the side that nobody ever talked about? Here’s what I’m getting at ya’ll…. What is the legacy that your family has built over time? This legacy impacts you more profoundly than you realize—for good or for bad. More importantly, what are you doing to continue patterns that need to STOP? What will you do right here and right now to change the course of history in your family? YOU can be the change your family needs. YOU have the power to do some self-examination and make a decision to do better. YOU can chalk where you (and your family) are in life to a comment like this: “Hey, it is what it is…” as you shrug your shoulders or you can start charting a new history in your life & in your love relationships with a statement like this: “It is what I say it is and I say My family will do better and be better—starting with me.

Today, find some quiet time wherever and however you can find it and ask yourself: “What behavior, habit, or pattern am I continuing today that started with my family? That’s all you need to do today. Identify it. That’s the first step toward changing it. Take your personal history and use it to transform you and push you forward instead of imprison you and hold you back.

This is true Black History. True Black Love. Some might even dare to say it’s true…Black Power. 😉

What A Man Wants From His Woman

VIDEO: A viewer wrote in saying that she and her husband argue about everything and she is at her wits end. Her fundamental question is….What do men want? Listen in as we help this wife get a better understanding of her husband and what he wants. For another perspective and some different tips check out this post we did titled: “What The Other Woman Will Do That You Won’t.”

It Takes Work To Stay In Tune With The One You Love: The Ma’at’s Share A Recent Tiff

VIDEO: In this show Ayize and Aiyana share a recent happening in their relationship that caused some tension. Aiyana was upset with Ayize and Ayize “acted” oblivious which made Aiyana even more mad. Listen in to hear what happened and how they managed to work through it.

We share this because it’s all too easy to become preoccupied and attached to how you as an individual perceives and sees things. It takes intentional patience and effort to get and stay in tune with how your spouse feels. It may take time and energy but it is well worth it if you want to have the type of relationship that will stand up against the test of time and the many issues…petty and significant that will surely come your way.

B Intentional Family, Do you take intentional time and energy trying to get in tune with your partner and see things from where they stand?

Why Do I Blame Myself For The Abuse?

Domestic violence is serious. Unfortunately people who are being abused either minimize the reality of abuse or ignore it all together. In this video we attempt to lift up a domestic violence survivor’s inherent worth and offer suggestions on what to do if you are in an abusive relationship. If you see yourself in this situation…GET HELP. If you know someone or have an inkling that someone is dealing with this issue please forward them this video. Nobody is being helped if we all stay silent.

This video was prompted by a letter we received from a young lady who is in an abusive situation and is blaming herself for the abuse. Our prayer is that she receives what we have to say. For all those who watch this and realize these words apply to you too—nothing happens on accident. Our belief is that you are watching this right now for a reason. Get out! Get out! Get out!

If you find yourself in a situation where Domestic Violence is occurring—get help. Reach out. You can start by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Aiyana Ma’at, MSW, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist. However, the advice given here does not substitute for advice given by a licensed clinician in your state.

Reach Out. Get Out. Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

Please! Please! Let’s Get Counseling!

VIDEO: We’re revisiting an old post that stirred up a lot of debate in some of our couples groups and classes. To get “outside help” or not to get “outside help”—that is the question. The “C” word……”Counseling” can be a pretty taboo word in the African-American community. Do men have more of an issue with getting professional help than women? What does one do when they feel there are issues in the relationship that need the objectivity and skill of a trained professional but the other person says “Hell no!” Listen is as The Ma’at’s provide perspective.

Recognize When You Are Being Abused–This is Domestic Violence.

VIDEO: Domestic violence is serious. Unfortunately people who are being abused often either minimize the reality of abuse or ignore it all together. In this video we discuss some of the characteristics of an abuser as well as the patterns of abuse. If you see yourself in this situation…GET HELP. If you know someone or have an inkling that someone is dealing with this issue please forward them this video. Nobody is being helped if we all stay silent.

This video was prompted by a letter we received from a young lady who appears to be in an abusive situation where domestic violence is ruling her life. Our prayer is that she receives what we have to say. For all those who watch this and realize these words apply to you too—nothing happens on accident. Our belief is that you are watching this right now for a reason. Get out! Get out! Get out!

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:

-feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

-avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

-feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?

-believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

-wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?

-feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior

Does Your Partner:

-humiliate or yell at you?

-criticize you and put you down?

-treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

-ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

-blame you for his own abusive behavior?

-see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats

Does your partner:

-have a bad and unpredictable temper?

-hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

-threaten to take your children away or harm them?

-threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

-force you to have sex?

-destroy your belongings?

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

-act excessively jealous and possessive?

-control where you go or what you do?

-keep you from seeing your friends or family?

-limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

-constantly check up on you?

If you find yourself in a situation where Domestic Violence is occurring—get help. Reach out. You can start by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Aiyana Ma’at, MSW, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist. However, the professional advice given here does not substitute for professional advice given by a licensed clinician in your state.

I Can’t Take It When He Gives Me The Silent Treatment

VIDEO: Sometimes things can get very stressful and tense in relationships….so much so that a timeout MAY be necessary. There is a big difference between taking a time out to get some space and perspective, clear your head, and calm down and taking an extended time out to the next level where it’s used as emotional abuse (consciously or subconsciously). This is called shutting down and it is a coping method that is unhealthy and has no place in marriage. If you are giving your spouse the “silent treatment” and this behavior is so chronic it becomes the “norm”…… that’s a MAJOR problem. Relationships require work to be successful….and both people need to be working on it. The work certainly can’t happen if one person won’t even get in the game.

Here, we give some advice to a young lady who says she just can’t take the long bouts of silence that her husband wages against her when he feels misjudged by her. She is feeling frustrated, disrespected and shut out by the one she loves the most and asks “What can I do?!” Please leave a comment or submit a video response letting us know what you think.

What Men NEED Women To Know During Football Season!

It’s that time of year again…when men get comfortably nestled in their recliner in anticipation of opening kickoff. Disinterested wives are abandoned as men flock to fantasy football and the excitement of the NFL season.  Women…..you can get through this period if you take heed to a couple of tips.  Listen in and see how you can maintain some sense of sanity and keep the peace in your home as men jump head first with NO helmet into football season.

Do Something Different.Do Something New. Do Something For Your Relationship. Do Something For You!

Basic Training For Couples Registration is happening now. Will you be there? Let’s predict the conversation….

Partner 1: You know that Basic Training class…the couples class I was telling you about? It starts September 28th.

Partner 2: Oh, yeah? What’s the point of it though? Isn’t it for people who have alot of problems?

Partner 1: I think it really doesn’t matter. You can be having no problems or be on the verge of divorce.

Partner 2: We’re fine. I mean, what they gon’ tell me that I don’t already know? Most people know what they need to do they just don’t do it, ya know?

Partner 1: Yeah, I know….that’s exactly why I think we should go.

This is just one of how many conversations will go between couples when talking about taking a relationship class. There is usually one person who is curious or feels they need it and there is usually one person who thinks it’s just not that serious. If you or your sweetie is unsure about whether this class is for you drop us a line or give us a call at 1-888-307-7970. We won’t hesitate to answer any and all of your questions. Do something different. Do something new. Do something for your relationship. Do something for you! This is the perfect opportunity for you to Stop Playing & Start Pushing.

Click here for frequently asked questions and here for registration information.