INFIDELITY: Understanding The Pain Of Cheating & The Pathway To Healing. No Excuses. Register Today For $10!

By Team BLAM

We are hard at work and  and in the midst of developing several online courses along with various multi-media products to provide you with even deeper examination of the topics you say you want to hear about most. We want you to know that we are listening so please keep on giving us your feedback and we will continue to provide you with the tools needed to achieve pure bliss in your personal life and in your relationships.

Many of you have said you are in desperate need of more dialogue and understanding around the issue of INFIDELITY. Well, we heard you and we’re delivering. Join us for 1 hour on Monday, 11/28 at 8:30pm to delve into this touchy topic. The cost? Just 10 bucks! So, register now.

This course will help you to heal from the pain of infidelity by creating an affirming educational experience that reminds you of your inherent value and helps you realize that YOU WERE NOT THE CAUSE. We will examine the underlying elements of fear, inadequacy, and how a fractured sense of self leads one to step outside of their relationship. In this course we will give you three critical steps you MUST take to move forward whether you remain in the relationship or not. If you are the cheater or the one cheated on ….THIS COURSE IS FOR YOU.

Click HERE to register.

Revenge Is Best….NOT SERVED

By Neysa Ellery Taylor

When my husband was actively cheating on me, there was a reoccurring thought that kept running through my mind – “I’ll show him!” It was normally accompanied by some variation of this, “He’s gotta be out of his mind. I am fine. I am smart. I am a great catch! This muthaf&*$#@ is tripping! If he can’t appreciate me, I know 10 men who would!” Sounds pretty juvenile, doesn’t it?

I wish I could say that I stopped there, but I didn’t. It was followed by flirting with some peripheral member of my male circle. I would go out with this male friend under the guise of just “kicking it.” But while out the mood would be different. Drinks would be poured. Flirting would intensify. My ego would be boosted. Invariably an offer to go home/ “you should be with me”/”we would be great together” would be extended. In that moment I would think, “Wow! See I still got it! Yep, hubs is tripping. It is sooo him and not me. Me and bachelor #2 could be great together. I could divorce hubs’ tail in the next 3 months and totally get with Bachelor #2 (or 3 or 4). I won’t be lonely or single long. I’m a f&&&ing prize! And Bachelor #2 is cute, has great work ethic and drive, has been married before so he totally gets what it takes to make one fail and to make one work. He’s an active dad to his kids. We could be the black Brady Bunch. I should do this. Maybe this is what hubs needs to get his shit together. Maybe if he realizes that other folks are ‘sniffing around my skirt’ he would act right. Hell, he deserves this. I could sleep with half of the city and he couldn’t say shit. I really want to do this and then tell him all about it. I really want to see the look on his face. I really want him to feel all that he’s put me through. Then maybe he’d understand. That’s what I am going to do!”

But did I do it? Nope. I wanted to act a fool for all the reasons listed above but I didn’t. Why? Because while my marriage was already on it’s deathbed, I knew that my sleeping with someone else would place the covenant in the cemetery. Honestly, I don’t think hubs would have been able to ever see past it. No matter how much dirt he did, the thought of me being with another man made him see red.

I didn’t act on my revenge because I still wanted my marriage to work and didn’t want to see my husband hurt. My cheating would hurt him. And part of me wanted nothing to do with anything that would hurt him.

This next one is going to sound a bit weird but follow me for a second. I didn’t have an affair because I’m strategic and in the back of my mind I knew that if my marriage failed, divorce court would frown upon my actions. I didn’t think the blind eye of justice would understand that what I did was in response to what he was doing. I didn’t want the adulterer label in my court records.

And finally, I didn’t have an affair because I knew it was wrong. Thank God for the presence of the Holy Spirit. As much as my mind could justify the action, my spirit couldn’t. I heard this one question loud and clear, “So you are going to go against God trying to get revenge?” The answer was “No, I’m not.” I knew that God had been working (and is still working) on me. I knew better. And I didn’t want to go back to a spiritual “square one.” Working on yourself and bending your will to God’s is hard work, and I didn’t want to repeat those lessons again. No matter how great a “revenge affair” would have been this was one dish that was best not served.

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com

Get Out Of My Life..Out Of My Hair..Out Of My Mind..THERE’S NO LOVE IN THERE!


By Ayize Ma’at

Love is complicated.  Tucked beneath the coquettish glances, tender touches, and whispered sweet nothings exist a hidden side.  A side that is hollow, drab, painful….questioned.  At BlackLoveAndMarriage.com we strive to capture love in it’s entirety.  Our audience appreciates us for that.  We show you the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of love in a myriad of ways with the hope that you’ll gain insight and the inspiration to STOP PLAYING AND START PUSHING toward a better you and a better life.  Yall appreciate that about us and our site….and have demonstrated/expressed on a consistent basis that a 100% real approach is what you want and what you need.

I’ve been sitting on this song for a while ….just wondering how I could play it on our site.  I’ve wrestled with whether the song is too negative for our platform.  I’ve wrestled with whether it sends the wrong message.  Finally the other day it was placed on my spirit to play it….because someone needs to hear it.  We keep it real here at blackloveandmarriage.com with the intention of building better families and better communities.  So indulge me for a moment while we give voice to the anger, frustration, rage, or “GET THE F*CK OUTTA MY LIFE” that you might be feeling right now in your relationship.

We know these feelings are real.  We know someone reading this or listening to this song is crying because of a recent situation in their relationship.  We know there’s someone out there that needs to leave, that needs to move on, that needs to begin anew.  We know there’s someone out there that’s screaming internally and is looking for an opportunity to give voice to their pain.  We know you’re probably feeling like you don’t wanna work SH$T out.  We know, we know, we know.  It’s O.K. to be angry. It’s O.K. to be PISSED AS HELL.  We feel you.  We feel you feeling it.  After you’re done screaming….after you’re done punching the pillow….after you’re done crying….PLEASE KNOW…Just because you feel it…it doesn’t mean you have to act on it.  The choice is yours.

*Note* Special shout out to Saul Williams for this track FEARLESS.

Ayize Ma’at is Co-founder and President of B Intentional, LLC, the Relationship Education company that owns and operates Blackloveandmarriage.com, the premiere cutting edge Marriage and Family web publication with the largest collection of love and marriage advice videos for African Americans. He is a Marriage & Relationship Educator certified in various Singles and Marriage Education curriculums and has a passion for inspiring others to grow and gain a deeper understanding of love. He is a devoted husband and the proud father of 4 amazing children.

Affair Recovery 101: Build New Memories Through Dating

By Charles Calvert

Somewhere down its path, your nuptials went south, and may even have been furthermore rocked by an affair. If your marriage is in this predicament, you know all too well how your once-happy “union” can begin to feel like unpaid, overtime work.

There isn’t a way to not do the work when it comes to recovering from an affair and saving your marriage. But take heart: it doesn’t have to be all hard work.

In this article, I’ll help you consider whether or not you’re taking advantage of one critical tactic for saving and  re-building your marriage.

Nobody kids themselves that recovering from an affair and saving a marriage in crisis will be effortless. Who wouldn’t honestly feel some sense of dread when faced with an unappetizing menu such at that to look ahead to?

But, don’t sell yourself or your marriage short. Yes, the difficult work of compromise and repairing the damage brought on by an affair must go on.

Just remember an additional critical element that goes into building your marriage: Fun.

The Survival of Your Relationship Demands It. You may be thinking: Fun? Did I just read that correctly?

Fun has probably become a distant memory in light of the latest events in your marriage. Trying to rescue a sinking ship doesn’t appear to go along with making time to strike up the band.

But in an effort to move forward as a couple, you and your spouse really need to rebuild your bond. By focusing on building pleasant memories again, the bad memories and grief may begin to lose their dominance and hold over your relationship which is a giant step in recovering from an affair.

You need to reignite the spark that once brought you two together. In order for this to occur, you need to work together to prepare fertile ground for this to take place.

And where have partners always created and expanded their mutual spark? By indulging in dates with one another-time set aside to simply “be” as a couple, relax and have a good time. Here I will discuss some steps to help you prepare to reignite:

Step 1: Develop a Date List

For weeks, months-and maybe longer-you and your spouse have been cataloging and reviewing the hurts and slights within your relationship. And if there’s been an affair, the misery produced is rarely far from your consciousness.

Take a step with a positive idea: discuss with your spouse and brainstorm date ideas. Or, agree that you will each brainstorm 5 ideas, and then combine the lists.

Step 2: Choose and Plan a Date Idea

From your list you and your spouse have created, select one date idea-and calendar it right away, in ink. To be able to improve your marriage, you need actions which may propel the relationship forward.

This doesn’t mean all hurt and anger disappears. What it shows is really a commitment on the part of both spouses to take the necessary steps to build positive memories.

Step 3: Put Aside Conflict for your Date

Your “first date” on your quest to save and build your marriage could possibly be a tense time. It won’t be the jitters you had on the initial first date you and your spouse had when you first got together. Below the surface of this date might be jitters about the best way to behave, what to say, what to discuss.

Agree that for this date, you’ll both commit to relax, and not point out any conflicts or points of contention during this time you’ve set aside. You will both need to be mindful of the hot-button issues-and steer clear to begin recovering from an affair.

BLAM Fam: How important do you think it is to be intentional about creating new good memories after an affair so that the bad memories lose their dominance?

I Don’t Condemn Anyone For Choosing To Divorce & I Believe No One Should Condemn Me For Making My Marriage Work

By Neysa Ellery Taylor

For the past 72 hours, I’ve been taking body shots. No, not the type of body shot that involves drinking liquor off some strangers belly. I am talking about the world of boxing and the body shots that come from having hard blows hitting you in the stomach. That is the body shot that I am referencing. Why? Because I decided to share my testimony with a nationwide audience. That’s why.

I’m not going to go into a back story here, you can google my name if you want the details or just search my name on the blog. It’s all there for you to read. And actually that is how the problem arose. I decided to share my test and resulting testimony with a large audience. And that made some people very angry and very opinionated.

But opinions are like assholes – everyone has one, right? So it’s fine. Disagree with me. I don’t mind that. As a journalist (that is my full time gig) people disagree with me all the time. I am used to that. But I must say I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of negative energy that came from my latest autobiographical post on blackloveandmarriage.com. The most negative remarks even went as far as to call me a bad mother. That remark had me ready to “vaseline up” but instead I took a break. But now I am back and ready to address it.

Here’s the deal: As I said before I’m not the poster child for marriage or infidelity. I in no way condemn anyone for choosing to divorce just like I believe no one should condemn me for making my marriage work. I don’t know what God told you to do, just like you don’t know how He spoke to me. You can choose to discredit my encounter with God if you’d like. I don’t have to convince you of anything. You know why? He wasn’t talking to you! He was talking to me. And I listened and stepped out on faith.

I share my story not for elevation or to be put on a pedestal. I share my story because:

1. It helps me heal. Writing helps me process and move forward. Publishing means you get to come along for the ride.

2. To show that God is able to repair a marriage. Even a jacked up looks like it’s over marriage.

3. To illustrate that in the midst of trials, you can grow and change for the better. (Damascus anyone?)

4. To show that forgiveness is real. God forgives me daily (actually much more often then that – I’m kinda a hot mess) and I am trying to learn to share that forgiveness with others.

5. To give hope to others. If there is another person out there going through a trying situation and hearing the voice of God in the midst of it, I want to let them know that it’s ok to trust that voice REGARDLESS of what everyone says.

That’s it. That’s why I write and publish. Am I looking for praise? Nope. But I will gladly accept prayer.

So for all the people that disagreed (hated on) my post, sorry that I riled you up. But I am just getting started. Your angst does not change my purpose or my pen. I am trying to live my life His way. All I’m trying to hear Him say at the end of my days is “Well Done.”

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com

I Was Frustrated, Disappointed, And Mad As Hell…BUT…What A Difference A Year Makes (Part 2)

By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Yesterday, I wrote about the day my husband’s sons were born. I wrote about the range of emotions that I felt and how ill prepared I was to handle those emotions. Today, I am writing about 365 days later. Today is the boys’ birthday. Who would have thought that I would be ordering cake for little ones that I now call my sons? But today that’s where I am.

I wish I can say the past year has been an amazingly glorious time of reconciliation and growth. While that statement is true, I have to note that for each step we’ve taken forward, there have also been some pretty big potholes that we’ve had to overcome.

Like the fiscal aspect. It goes without saying that kids are expensive. When you are pregnant, you get a baby shower with cake, games, and gifts. These gifts help offset the huge financial hit of having a baby. Well, imagine having TWO babies, years after you’ve given away all of your oldest kids’ baby stuff without a shower. From formula to diapers to clothes to cribs, it’s been a tough fiscal year.

Then there is the legal hassle. Call me crazy but I thought that since there are 365 days in a year, one parent would get 182 and the other would get 183. In this age of all sorts of blended families this should be easy, right? Ummm, not so much. This has been a painfully slow, nerve racking process that still isn’t over.

An unexpected problem has been the interference from family. We’ve had the oddest people to totally overstep their boundaries and basically act a fool. For the first few months of the twins’ lives, they were not allowed to come to our home. Because of that my husband and I had one rule – no extended family should meet the boys until the immediate family meets the boys. Not because we were hiding anything. Not because we were ashamed of anything. But we as a family unit had to come to terms with this first. We were the ones who were going to be here day in and day out. And we deserved a few moments to define ourselves and unify before we had to deal with anyone else. That went out the window when family – family that we thought would be rallying around us – decided to ignore our wishes. And not just once but repeatedly. So some family have been dropped from our “family circle.” If you can’t respect my husband as head of our household, and abide by the rules we set for all of our children, then you can no longer darken my door. Harsh? Maybe. But I can not concerned about what extended family thinks when I am fighting for the survival of our family unit.

The question I get asked most often is “how do you and the other woman interact?” I guess in this age of Basketball Wives people expect me to continue the drama. And why write if you aren’t going to keep it honest? While I wish I could say that I’ve been all Joyce Meyer-ish, I’ve gone “Real Housewives” more than a few times. For the longest time I wanted an apology. I wanted her to look me in my face and admit her wrongdoing in the situation. I wanted her to look past her wants and think about the kids and what’s best for them. But alas, we aren’t there. And honestly we may never be there. I may never like her – ever. But I do have to respect her as a parent and eventually forgive her – not for her sake but for my own. But for now, we rarely cross paths. It’s better that we keep it real church-like. You know “let the Lord watch ‘tween us whilst we are apart.” And that is a good first step.

And finally, I’ve embraced my title as mom-mom. Is it made up? Yep. But it’s mine. In the past year I’ve learned that I can love God enough to trust him. I’ve learned that people really can change. I’ve seen my daughters show such compassion and care for their brothers. I’ve learned that forgiveness is real. And I’ve learned that in just 1 year – just 365 days – that my life can be fuller than I ever imagined. I get to live Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Read Part 1 HERE

BLAM Fam: Neysa’s story epitomizes the essence of our company tag line: “Stop Playing. Start Pushing.” For those of you that are going through similar situations or much less….Are you being intentional in your healing and/or growing process?

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” ~ Dale Carnegie


“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” ~ Denis Waitley

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.

I Was Frustrated, Disappointed, And Mad As Hell…BUT…What A Difference A Year Makes (Part 1)

By Neysa Ellery Taylor

A year ago, the phone rang and I received  phone call that I knew was coming but that I dreaded nonetheless.  My husband called to tell me that his mistress was in labor.  Of course, I knew this day would come.  I mean I’m not slow.  I knew that she was pregnant with twins and that unless she was hit by a bus, chances were she would deliver one day.  But as much as I understood that logically.  I did not understand that emotionally.  But lo and behold, the phone rang.  And with the words, “she’s going to the hospital”   I knew that my life was changing although I didn’t know if it was for the better or the worse.

I thought I was ready for this day.  I thought I had prepared.  Our marriage had reconciled and while it had bumpy moments, we were slowly but steadily moving forward.  We had a nursery ready to welcome them to our home.  But I wasn’t ready.  In my mind, the plan went like this.  She’d have kids at the hospital.  After they arrived, we would travel to go see the babies in the nursery.  We would immediately start paperwork for paternity and visitation.  And life would continue.  That was my plan.  But in reality it went something like this.  My husband went to the hospital.  I stayed home with our daughters and almost drove myself crazy.  Big things were happening.  Life changing things were happening.  Things that directly affected my life were happening and I could do nothing about it.  That drove me crazy!  I am a do-er.  I plan, I execute, I do.  Inaction is never an option for me.  But in this instance there was nothing useful that I could do.  So I cleaned my house.  I hung with my daughters.  And then I washed all of the baby clothes that friends had given me.

I washed and gingerly folded clothes that for a child that didn’t come from me.  With each tiny little hanger that I placed in the closet, I wondered what was going on at the hospital?  Would my marriage make it through this situation?  Would my daughters see this as a form of weakness or a lesson in faith?  Would my husband be able commit to being faithful?  How would I feel about the babies?  How would my children feel?  Will my family ever accept the situation?  Am I ready to be a parent to babies again?  Will this woman ever understand the enormity of what she’s done?  Does she finally get it?  Will she use the children as pawns?  I asked this and a million other questions.

Throughout the night my husband would call me with updates.  I wish that I could say that I handled it well.  I wish that I prayed and said loving words of encouragement and understanding.  I wish I could say that.  But instead I’m going to tell the truth.  I cussed him up one side and down another.  After dealing with the affair, after learning of the impending births, after preparing the nursery, we hadn’t emotionally and spiritually prepared for this moment.  And all the hurt that I thought I was past and over, came flooding back in that moment because I knew what it was like to have his child.  I knew how special that moment was.  I knew that in the moment where your child is brought into the world you look at them and want them to have every advantage under the sun.  You want their lives to be free from hardships, especially hardships that you helped to create.  And for the first time, when my husband felt the emotions of holding a child for the first time I wouldn’t be there to share in that moment.

The moment he shared with me was later when he sent me pictures of his sons.    As I looked at the images I searched for signs of him in their faces.  I asked all the required questions, “what are their names?  How big are they?  Are they healthy?”  I had no emotional connection to them.  That wouldn’t come until much later.   But I had hope  – hope that the storms we had already weathered had made us strong enough to weather this tsunami.  And I had faith – faith that all the painful lessons that I learned weren’t in vain.  Faith that however this story ended that God would see me through.

*Check out Part 2 tomorrow to see the miracle that can happen when you allow yourself to go through the process.*

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.

After The Affair: The No Contact Rule Goes Both Ways

By Doug

We’ve talked many times about the harmful effects of triggers for the victim and the necessity for the cheating spouse to maintain a no contact rule in order for a couple to have a chance at recovering from an affair. Another important rule that I feel needs to be enforced is a no contact rule of sorts – for the victim.

Let me explain by way of an example. Yesterday while I was working, Linda called me and I could tell immediately by the tone of her voice that she was upset. Her first words were: “How could you not stay with her (Tanya)?” I was taken aback just a bit, and asked what she meant. She replied something to the effect that “She’s so pretty and she was so confident and outgoing…and I can’t compare to that.”

I asked her where this was all coming from, as this kind of came out of left field, and why she was feeling this way. It turns out that for whatever reason, Linda felt compelled to get on Tanya’s work website and saw an updated picture of her. This immediately sent an emotional tidal wave over Linda and the result was a feeling of despair, frustration and defeat.

After a few more minutes of talking, she was no better and consequently was wondering if she can ever get over my emotional affair.

I reassured her that she can because she is a strong, beautiful woman herself, and has no reason to be comparing herself now more than 2 years after the affair. I told her that we were always meant to be together and that I truly f@#%ked up, but I love her and wouldn’t know what to do without her.

After my little pep talk, I scolded her a bit for even taking a peek at the website in the first place, and reminded her that she apparently thinks more about Tanya than I do, and for the sake of her own mental health and for the sake of our marriage she needs to stop this type of “contact” in the future.

She has a hard time with triggers to begin with, and if makes no sense for her to go out looking for them when she knows how badly they will affect her.

So take this little experience to heart. If you are the victim of an affair, find out what you need to find out about the OP immediately, then do your best to let it go. In fact, it might not be a bad idea to make it some sort of ritual to burn the OP’s pictures, delete emails and texts, cancel Facebook accounts – hell, pitch your spouse’s damn cell phone in the river – whatever – just as a way of symbolizing the purging of the OP from your life. Sure the pain is there and the memories are hard to live with, but looking for things that haunt you is not the answer. Working on your relationship and saving your marriage is.

I know many of you are thinking, “Yah, easy for you to say…” But you know what, as far as I’m concerned, Tanya is a distant memory and I have chosen to focus on making things better for us now and in the future. I choose not to dwell in the past. This may be easier for me to do than most people, but I don’t know.

I feel as though I have been successful at eliminating Tanya from my brain. I’ve lived by the no contact rule. I’ve never texted her, or sent an email, made a phone call, or checked her website since I ended things. I have no desire to, and I plan on keeping it that way. And that’s exactly what Linda needs to do. Otherwise, the pain after the affair is relived over and over and over again.

Perhaps Linda should print off a copy of that picture and burn it.

BLAM Fam: What do you think? Should the No Contact Rule go for both partners? How would it be helpful—or not?

Doug and his wife Linda maintain a blog about the emotional affair that  Doug had with a co-worker over two years ago. The purpose of their blog is to share their story in the hopes that it will help those that are suffering, or have suffered from an emotional affair – or any type of affair for that matter. Visit them at emotionalaffair.org.

An Open Letter To Married Men: She Ain’t Your Wife….LEAVE HER ALONE!

By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Fellas, you didn’t think I was going to let you off that easy, (An Open Letter To Single Sisters: He’s Married LEAVE HIM ALONE), did you? Come on.. You know me better than that.

Why is it so hard to stay faithful to one woman? Since we’ve been communicating for awhile, don’t try to hand me the normal crap. None of the “well you know, men are visual creatures. We need variety.” Or the “the only thing better than good p*ssy is new p*ssy.” We are beyond that. So what is it? I mean can you really explain it to me?

Is it“my wife just doesn’t understand me anymore?” Have you tried talking with her? UMMMM, chances are the answer is no. For some reason, humans have a hard time talking to the person that they claim means the most to them. Instead of running off at the mouth with the next chick, how about talking with your wife.

“We don’t have sex like we used to.” Are your moves predictable? Can she count on the exact same 3 moves every night? I love cheesecake but I have a sneaky suspicision that if I ate it every night for a month, I might be sick of it and want a Snickers bar instead. Go back to your bag of tricks and put in some horizontal work.

“She’s gained weight.” Are you eating what she’s cooking? I thought so. So chances are you’ve gained too. So take over the cooking duties a few times a week. Ask her to go on a walk with you to spend some quality time together. See how slick that was? I didn’t mention exercise or tell her to lose weight. I said “quality time.” Believe me, the phrasing makes all the difference.

“She doesn’t keep herself up anymore.” Quick. Take out your cell phone and credit card. Call her best friend and tell her to make a hair, mani/pedi, Brazillian wax, and massage appointment for your wife. Ask the best friend to take her to the MAC counter to get a makeover. Go to Victoria Secret and pick out something that you want to see her in. Gift wrap the package. Send the kids to their grandma’s house. When your wife gets home, take her out and show her off. After all of the positive attention that she receives, she will do it more often. Trust me.

“We’ve grown apart.” Valid problem, but not an irreconcilable difference. Call your church’s marriage ministry. Attend marriage Sunday school. Talk to each other. Talk to a counselor. Go on vacation together to a place neither of you have been. That will force you to talk to each other. Or recreate early memories. Where was your first date? Go there. Recapture that love.

“It’s just easy with the other woman.” Of course it’s easy. Do you think getting into trouble is ever hard? Do you think thatsatan is stupid? No. The enemy wants you to perceive it as easier to make you make mistakes. Duh! So it is easy with the mistress right now. She never complains. She never fusses with you. She never makes you angry, right? Do you know why? Because she doesn’t know all of you. She has been entertaining your PR agent. She doesn’t know your quirks or shortcomings. That’s because she is your mistress, not your wife.

And that’s the fundemental difference between a mistress and a wife.  A mistresses loves the PR agent, while wives love the man.

CLICK HERE to read Part 1 (An Open Letter To My Single Sisters: He’s Married…LEAVE HIM ALONE)

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick.  An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing.  You can read more of her work atwww.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.

Should You Tell Your Family About Your Spouse’s Affair?

By Katie Lersch

Many spouses aren’t sure if they should tell their family about their spouse’s affair or cheating.  Many times, they would really like their family’s support.  But, in the case of many wives and husbands, they’re also worried that their family will think differently about their spouse and this may be a concern if they later want to save their marriage.

Other times, they’re just ashamed and embarrassed and they don’t want anyone to know.  I often hear comments like “I don’t know if I should tell my mother about my husband’s affair.  She loathes my uncle because he cheated on my aunt. So I know that if she finds out, she will never forgive my husband and will always bring it up and will never let me forget it or him live it down.  But she knows something is wrong between us and she has questions.  Should I tell her?”

Another example is something like: “My children know that there’s something serious going down between my husband and I.  They know that I’ve asked him to leave but they don’t know why and they are angry with me.  Should I tell them that he had an affair so they’ll know I was justified?”

I actually have a definite opinion on this and I will share it with you below.  I do understand wanting to include your family because you want the support of people who love you and you want to be able to unload somewhere.

Why I Think You Should Be Very Careful About Telling Your Family About Your Spouse’s Affair: I have seen this situation go badly many times.  Usually what happens is that, because the wife is furious about the affair, she will tell people in her family because she wants someone to support her and share in her anger.  Who better than your family who is close to you?

And in the beginning, this can feel good and right.  You can feel a lot of justification when your family shares in your outrage.  But later, you might begin to cool off a little.  Or maybe you don’t want to dwell on it as much anymore since you’re trying to heal and move forward. But what happens if your family member won’t let it go? Or continues to question your reasoning if you are trying to move past this?

This is something that you just don’t need.  Also, many times the family member has dealt with infidelity or disappointments themselves and will (usually unintentionally) thwart your efforts to move forward.  Even though they mean well, they might give you comments like “all men cheat and are scum” or “people always disappoint you” or other things that don’t really help you in the long term.

What kind of reaction you get from your family often depends upon the person involved.  I recently heard from someone who told me that she chose to tell her sister about her husband’s affair because she knew her sister was a very supportive and non judgmental person who could be very objective and not hold it against her husband should the wife chose to save the marriage.

Some family members are like this, but I find this to be the exception rather than the rule.  If you have a family member like this, you’re very lucky.  Of course, all family members have the reaction that they do out of love for you.  There is nothing wrong with this.  But it can become a problem when their love for you turns into hatred for your spouse, especially if you eventually want to work things out.

I always find it best to tell someone who is YOUR friend not your spouse’s friend and who is rarely around your spouse.   A therapist is ideal.

BLAM Fam, What do you think? Is telling your family about an affair the way to go or not?

Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair.  Visit her at Survivingtheaffair.com