Gay…To Be Or Not To Be? The Door Is Open And I Won’t Come Out.

Dear Ayize & Aiyana,
     I know that you’ve discussed this previously but my story is a tad different. I am 22 going on 23 in April, a full time student and employed full time, no children, aspiring to be the owner of a spa and a plus- size model, I am celibate and most importantly, I am a Christian. In writing, I seem well put together but mentally and spiritually, I am NOT. I know what The Word of God says but what do you do when it doesnot match up with what you feel and, in my case, what you have been running from?    Growing up, I knew I was…”different”. At the early age of 6, I had thoughts of a female. During lunch time, this girl used my name in an example; she moaned my name and I started thinking about sex with her. Now what does a 1st grader know about sex is beyond most people’s imagination but it really goes to show you that children know more than you think. In addition to this, I’ve dealt with abuse from my father up until I was 15 years old. A LOT went on with that man.

When I was 9, I met this girl at summer camp who 8 years later became my first love. We were together a little over 2 years and ever since then, she’s been my only love. At the beginning of this relationship, I came out to my mother and she was FURIOUS! After her, I dated women for a year then got back with the guy that I dumped for her. I’ve been dating guys mostly and have talked to two women.

When I’m with a guy, it’s almost kind of…weird. I have a dominant personality which exudes a masculine aura. And my goodness when they challenge me, I HAVE to show them up. It’s kind of like two guys competing. As far as sex went, it was kind of boring and emotionless for me no matter how “good” it was and despite the fact that I was in a relationship with them. Upon losing my virginity right before my 17th birthday, I’ve had sex with 4 guys from then until now. It was simply sex, but when I was with my first love, I felt it in my heart.
Because I am a Christian, it is beyond hard to accept this part of me. To make matters worse, my older sister is a married lesbian with an adopted son and my younger brother is in question *he’s a tad on the feminine side*. My mother always thought that I’d the straight one but mentally, I don’t identify as that. She and others believe that I’m like this because of my sister but she has absolutely nothing to do with my problem. I didn’t even know she was a lesbian until I was in the 6th grade;
WEEEELLLLL after these thoughts started. Since my mother “gave birth to me in church”, I don’t want to leave my church but I also can’t stand for what I don’t believe when it comes to homosexuality. How do I get to a place of either acceptance of this or deliverance from this? I’ve prayed SOOO many times and went to the alter in church so that I could finally be free but it’s still heavy on me.
I think of how my life should be as far as family; a husband and 2 or 3 kids, however, I’m not sure. I just don’t want to be with a man and leave him for a woman like I did in the past, that’s why I’m trying to sort this out now before anything serious. Also, I’ve never been in love with a man. Could you all please help me so I can bury this once and for all?
Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at (founders of this site) are relationship experts and internet marketers who have been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network, Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers, TV One, and other media outlets.  They are helping people build healthy relationships and build home based businesses.  To get INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES  COACHING from Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at CLICK HERE.  To learn how you can MAKE MONEY while working from home CLICK HERE.

The 7 Qualities Of A Happy Relationship

Another chapter and a new journey begins after saying your “I do’s.” But staying happy during the journey is not like a ‘one size, fits all’ notion. It is not a matter of how much love there is at the beginning, what matters is how much love you have cultivated along the way. To be happy in a relationship is never an easy task. There are rules you follow, principles to abide and there are things you must have to maintain a happy relationship with the one you choose to be with in your lifetime.

Quality 1: Love

Enough love for oneself could lead to leakage of that love towards your partner. It will be a radiating kind of love. I’ve always believed that you can never truly love another without learning to love yourself first. In order to be happy in a relationship, this love should be cultivated, nourished and fed. Otherwise, the seed you planted will not be able to grow. It is a kind of love that will have the power to move mountains and will overcome whatever comes your way.

Quality 2: Giving

By this I don’t mean material things. I would mean to give selflessly, putting oneself a second priority and have that of your partner first. Staying happy in a relationship would depend most on how each person gives and on how each person interacts in that two-way street. To put one’s partner’s needs on top priority is I think a gift that not everyone is fortunate to have. When both parties mastered this, it is easier for them to meet halfway.

Quality 3: Time

Time is the only element to prove one’s love. Time is also the one who has the power to make or break any relationship. If you have so much love in your heart but can’t give time to show it, it is rather empty and useless. Time is the best thing you can give to your partner. Just by staying for a few minutes listening to your partner’s musings is already bliss.

Quality 4: Communication

Establishing a good communication with your partner could lead to a happy and fulfilled relationship. Once you have mastered the art of communication, the pieces will just fall back to their places. Communication does not only involve talking but also more importantly, listening.

Quality 5: Honesty

One attribute of a person that can make up or destroy certain relationship is honesty. Being able to go up front and say the truth is I think the very thing that needs courage and discipline the most. This is because being honest involves huge risks. It involves the risk of total rejection. But once you are past that stage, things will become easier.

Quality 6: Trust

It is important in a relationship to have trust. It is the kind of trust that never falters. It is the kind of trust that you know your partner loves you. One caution though, too much trust could also break. Human frailty is the obstacle for trusting too much.

Quality 7: Understanding

When all has been said and done, the only thing left would be “understanding’. If you have this then there will be no doubt you can maintain a happy relationship. This will stand out alone. If you don’t understand then all efforts done to make the relationship intact is futile. Both party needs to compromise.

Those are just a few must-haves that prove to be essential when you want to stay happy in a relationship. The most important thing is you play the role well. Be true. Be smart. Be loving.

10 Ways You Can Improve Your Relationship By Focusing On The Positive

By Darby Saxbe

If you’ve ever gotten relationship advice, you’ve probably heard plenty of don’ts. Don’t nag. Don’t stonewall. Don’t blame. Don’t leave the toilet seat up, don’t squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle, and definitely don’t assume he’s that into you when he’s just not. Well, don’t listen.

The happiest couples focus on do’s, not don’ts. Rather than just steering clear of negative interactions, they actively work to build positivity into their relationships. They show what psychologists call an “approach orientation,” moving toward what’s good, rather than moving away from what’s bad.

Traditionally, couples research has focused more on minimizing negatives (arguments, emotional distance, infidelity) than on maximizing positives. But a new wave of research is changing all that. Positivity-oriented psychologists find that maintaining a favorable balance of positive to negative emotions helps people—and relationships—thrive. “We’ve already learned about all the toxic stuff that harms relationships,” says psychologist Dacher Keltner, author of Born to Be Good. “There’s a whole new science of how to build in good emotions.”

Positivity has a way of shifting our perspective: While negative emotions shut us down, positive emotions open us up. They help us “broaden and build,” argues Barbara Fredrickson, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and author of Positivity. Positive emotions actually spur big-picture thinking, yielding benefits like keener peripheral vision and increased creativity—not to mention better relationships.

“Finding ways to inject humor and lightness into a difficult situation is not merely a distraction,” says Fredrickson, “It actually helps people see possibilities.” Partners stuck in a “one-note song” should move towards greater positivity by seizing “micro-opportunities” to connect, she says. Positive emotion is about more than just having fun—it includes gratitude, inspiration, and curiosity.

When participants do a “loving-kindness meditation,” a form of meditation focused on generating warm and tender feelings toward others, the quotient of positive emotions in their lives increases, which in turn boosts relationship satisfaction, Frederickson has found.

In fact, just setting more positive goals for your relationship can make you happier as a couple. Couples who seek to increase the good in their relationships, concentrating on sharing fun and meaningful experiences together, promoting growth and development in the relationship, and creating satisfaction and intimacy (“approach-oriented goals”), fare better than couples focused on ducking the negatives (“avoidant-oriented” goals), says Emily Impett, a researcher at UC Berkeley.

You may not always achieve all the positives you seek—but it’s enough to realize that positivity is important and to set goals reflecting that. The payoff is great: more fun, more growth, better sex, and more sustained intimacy.

1: Be grateful.

Remembering to thank your partner seems simple, but gratitude may provide the everyday dose of spackle that keeps you glued together over the long haul. “Gratitude helps remind us of the good qualities in our partners,” says Sara Algoe, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. “It reminds people to attend to the others in their lives.”

In a study of cohabitating couples, on days that one partner expressed more gratitude, the other felt more satisfied with the relationship. “We get into these routines and start taking our partners for granted,” says Algoe. “But gratitude can work as a booster shot, injecting positive emotion into the relationship.”

A low-quality expression of gratitude focuses on the object—”Thank you for cooking dinner, I was really hungry,” explains Fredrickson. It’s much better to focus on the other person: “You’re such a great cook; it’s so thoughtful of you to cook for me!”

“A lot of people express their appreciation in self-absorbed ways,” Fredrickson says. “But when the expression of gratitude focuses on the other person, we find the other person walks around feeling better about themselves—and six months later, the relationship is stronger.”

 

2: Poke fun at each other.

Playfulness is one of the first casualties of a busy life, says Dacher Keltner. When your life consists of nothing but working, paying bills, cleaning, andsleep, play can disappear from a relationship. “You have to keep it alive by having fun, joking around, using silly nicknames,” he suggests.

You may think sincere communication is the way to handle a serious issue. But Keltner has found that couples who teased each other in the heat of a conflict felt more connected after the fact. When he staged a conflict discussion in his lab and compared couples who communicated in a direct, logical way with those who made light of the conflict, he found that couples who tease are happier and reach more peaceful resolutions.

That’s because couples who can tease can use that modality to handle the tough stuff in a relationship. Even silly nicknames help turn conflicts into peaceful exchanges, Keltner says, by reminding couples to smile at each other’s quirks. So if you’re annoyed by a partner’s long-standing habit—say, stealing the covers in the middle of the night—try teasing. Calling your partner the Blanket Monster might take the edge off your irritation while reminding your partner to share. Remember to tease in a way that’s playful, not hostile; use nonverbal cues that convey you’re having fun, like a silly facial expression or a change in tone.

3: Capitalize on good news.

We expect our partners to provide us with a shoulder to cry on when times are tough—but how couples behave during good times might be even more important. Partners who respond enthusiastically to each other’s successes—asking questions, paying compliments, and cheering each other on—report greater relationship satisfaction over time, says Shelly Gable, a researcher at the University of California, Santa Barbara. A couple’s ability to “capitalize”—that is, to celebrate each other’s positive events—predicts satisfaction better than their commiseration over negative events.

When something good happens to your partner—a promotion, a compliment from a coworker, or even just a witticism that gets a big laugh—seize the opportunity to make the most of it. You don’t need a major event as an excuse to break out the good china.

4: Use your illusions.

We may think putting our mates on a pedestal is unrealistic—but in fact, partners who idealize each other wind up happier. Partners in the most satisfied couples rate their mates more positively than the mates rate themselves, finds Sandra Murray, a psychologist at the University at Buffalo (SUNY) who studies positive illusions.

Similarly, when spouses perceived their partners as being nicer than their actual behavior warranted, they maintained greater long-term satisfaction than spouses who did not idealize each other as much, according to research by Paul Miller, Sylvia Niehuis, and Ted Huston at the University of Texas, Austin.

So if you value your clear-eyed judgment of others, including your partner, it may be time to ease up a little and concentrate on what you like about your mate. Looking through a soft-focus lens might help you build a genuinely rosier picture over time.

5: Find your ideal self—in your partner.

happy couples bring out the best in each other. But when partners more closely resemble each other’s ideal selves, couples fare better—above and beyond the benefit to the relationship afforded by how similar you are in actuality, says Caryl Rusbult, a psychologist at the Free University of Amsterdam.

Someone who describes her ideal self as physically fit, for instance, might be happy being with a disciplined athlete; someone who longs to be more creative might thrive with an artistic partner. Rusbult calls this the “Michelangelo effect,” since partners can help “sculpt” each other’s best selves by affirming each other’s efforts at self-improvement. The aspiring fitness buff, for example, appreciates her athletic partner’s reminders to work out.

So try listing your personal goals. Then think about the qualities you like most in your partner. Chances are, there’s overlap between the self you aspire to and the aspects of your partner you appreciate most. Then recruit your partner to help you improve in the domains that matter to you. You’ll not only get closer to your ideal self—you’ll also feel closer to your partner.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Angry Wife Gives Sermon About Her Minister Husband Being A Wolf In Sheeps Clothing

Wow!!! This is really crazy y’all.  Divorce is not a laughing matter but this was funny..lol. Check out this video of an angry wife named Anjenette, who appeared on “Divorce Court” and gave Judge Lynn Toler a sermon about how she thought she was marrying a man of God, but her minister/husband turned out to be “a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”  Of course this story is littered with Tom Foolery ….but that’s what you get when you get ladies when he proposes to you while he’s living in a crack house.  Check out the video to hear her “preach” her points…and hear him defend himself against his wife, who he calls, “a hood rat minister”.

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Full Video

Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at are relationship experts and internet marketers who have been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network, Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers, TV One, and other media outlets.  They are helping people build healthy relationships and build home based businesses.  To learn how you can MAKE MONEY while working from home CLICK HERE.  To get INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES  COACHING from Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at CLICK HERE.

Hang Out With Ayize & Aiyana & Learn How To Turn Up The Love & Sex In Your Relationship! JAN. 12TH @ 9PM.

By Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at

Hey Fam! We are soooo excited and pleased to announce our new Relationship Renovation series that will be kicking off in January 2014!

As we sat and talked and evaluated how 2013 has been for us and what our goals for 2014 should be we kept coming back to the idea that we want to connect more, help more, and do more. Yes, that’s what we said—In 2014 we want to:

CONNECT MORE…..to you

HELP MORE……for you and

DO MORE……with you  🙂

We said “How can we be the most helpful and make the most impact?” We asked you on Facebook and Twitter and via our other social media platforms and YOU ANSWERED. You said you wanted to talk with us more about very important topics that so many of you are dealing with in your relationships. We received such great feedback and so many different topics that we decided to begin a Bi-Weekly Relationship Renovation Series. 

  •  This is where we will discuss important, juicy, fun, and fundamental issues that are relevant to relationships of all kinds.
  •  This is where you will have the opportunity to participate!  How? You can be “on” with us to share your story or ask a question as it relates to the theme of the Hangout. You can also share by asking questions when we have our “Ask Us Anything”Hangouts. And, of course you can chat with us during the Hangout as well.
  •  This is where you can come every 2 weeks to “go to school” and get insight and answers on all things relationships!

So, save the date for AYIZE & AIYANA’S  FIRST RELATIONSHIP RENOVATION HANGOUT WHERE WE WILL TALK ABOUT HOW TO TURN UP THE LOVE & SEX  IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP!

WHEN: THURSDAY, JAN 12, 2014

WHAT TIME: 9PM

WHERE: https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/115322807699470470126/events/cpei4jicmq9at68295i830fcil8

For our first Hangout–We’re looking for singles or couples that would like to be featured on the Hangout. You should be willing to either share your story around sex and intimacy and/or ask a question. No questions are off limits. Any issue you have when it comes to sex and intimacy in your relationship(s)–past or present—BRING IT. We want to hear it!

Interested? Send an email with your issue or question to askus@bintentional.com or by clicking here: http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/ask-the-maats/
***ATTENTION*** YOU MUST PUT THE WORDS GOOGLE HANGOUT SOME WHERE IN THE SUBJECT LINE OR IN THE BODY OF THE EMAIL PLEASE!!! REMEMBER, WE DO ADVICE VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE AND IF YOU DON’T LET US KNOW THAT YOU’RE RESPONDING TO THE GOOGLE HANGOUT CALL FOR PARTICIPANTS THEN YOUR EMAIL WILL GO TO THE BACK OF A VERY LONG WAITLIST OF FOLKS WAITING FOR US TO ANSWER THEIR VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE.

TO JOIN THE HANGOUT ENTER BELOW:

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Black Folks & Self-Determination….A Beautiful Thang

By Aiyana Ma’at

Today is the second day of Kwanzaa and we are lifting up Kujichagulia which means Self-Determination. I love this principle not only because it is so powerful for me on a personal level but because it is do necessary for how we live our lives every single day.

Issues with your man? Try some Self-Determination.

Issues with you kids? Self-Determination….

How about issues with your self-esteem? Some old-fashioned Self-Determination is all you need.

Listen in as I ramble a bit (…but it’s purposeful rambling….lol) about Black Folks & Self-Determination.

Love ya’ll.

StopPlayingStartPushing
*DISCLAIMER*— Ayize (my hubby) is responsible for the ratchet cinematography….Lol! -Aiyana xoxxo

 

 

What I Learned From Going On Air with Roland Martin

By Aiyana Ma’at

So, we recently had the opportunity to go on News One Now on TVOne with Roland Martin. He had us on to discuss the disparities in dating that black women face and the show was good…. I love how vocal so many of you were on the topic.

But, that’s not what I really wanted to talk about today…..

Rather, I wanted to share what I learned from being in Roland Martin’s presence for the brief time that we were there. It can really be summed up in just a few words.

It’s so simple yet so profound at the same time. And, while it’s simple it’s something so many of us don’t do for a variety of reasons.

But, I’ll stop beating around the bush—-here’s what I learned from Roland…..

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#1 BE YOURSELF.

#2 FOCUS ON WHAT YOU’RE PASSIONATE ABOUT AND BELIEVE IN.

If you’ve ever had the opportunity to listen to this clever, intelligent, and hilarious man you’ll quickly come to the conclusion that he’s the real deal— passionate, opinionated, clear about what he believes, and unafraid to speak his truth. You may not always agree with him. Hell, I might not either. I don’t know where he stands on every issue.

But, that’s not the point.

Let me reiterate the qualities I just mentioned again:  Passionate, Opinionated, Clear about what he believes, and Unafraid to speak his truth (and simultaneously the truth of so many other African Americans in this country and around the world.)

Can you say this about your own life? Is there any where you are authentically YOU? Where you show up, speak, and do from a place where you bring the beautiful, the ugly, and everything in between….and you’re ok with it because you know that it’s your truth?

I love people like Roland….folks who (unbeknownst to them) reinforce for me that:

  • It’s OK to be me.
  • It’s OK to be you.
  • When you focus on what’s in your heart and your gut you can never really go wrong. (Even if you have to re-evaluate or double back later.)
  • We waste time when we try to fit in, make ourselves digestible for other folks, and not offend.
  • When you let your light shine through you automatically give others permission to do the same.

So, that’s what I learned from Roland the other day. The opportunity to dialogue about a topic that is important and relevant to our community on his show was awesome. The ability to elevate and increase exposure for our brand was amazing but the take away lesson…..priceless.

 

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Love Is All You Need

Love is all you need.

That’s what people say….

Love

Is

All

You

Need.

Yeah, I suppose that is true.

Love is all you need

plus

patience

kindness

investment

concern

emotional attachment

hard work

maturity

the ability to put someone else first

the ability to make room for the possibility that you just might be wrong

the willingness to make room for the possibility that you might be right but it doesn’t matter

the desire to grow

the humility to know that you don’t know it all

the wisdom to know that Love  ain’t enough all by itself.

 

 

 

 

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Your Relationship Demands That You “Choose Better”

It’s a common enough thought — I just chose the wrong person for a partner, and if given a chance, I will choose better (I hope) next time. I heard it just yesterday in the checkout stand at Long’s. Two women were talking about their former relationships and one spoke of her ex-husband as “the wrong guy,” though her words about him were far more ferocious and graphic than this.

What a bind we Americans are in! On the one hand, we each grow up being told and believing that there is some “special person,” some person who is “the one for me,” another human being who is the perfect match for me. If I can find that person, my life will be right and I can be truly happy.

But get this. We also grow up being told and believing that “only I am ultimately responsible for my own happiness.” If I am to be happy, “it’s up to me.” American heroes tend to be loners, characters portrayed by Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Katherine Hepburn — who ironically lose their hero status once they do fall in love and “settle down.” They become boring.

Youch!

The horns of the dilemma are thus that I must “find that special person” who will make me happy, but I have to remain fervently individualistic in the meantime.

I can’t let another person run my life, but I also can’t be happy unless “we two are one.”

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Is it any wonder that many of us tend to approach relationships skeptically, but also idealistically? The marriage rate has not been slowed down by the data on divorces, and divorces have not been slowed down by the marriage rate.

An answer to the dilemma is not simple, but it is achievable. A first step is recognizing that having a partner in life is indeed preferable in life to being alone, for most people.

A second is that normal relationships all include disillusionment, and many other definable steps along the way to real intimacy.

Discovering difference from your partner is normal, feeling betrayed by that difference is normal, your idealism is normal, your skepticism is normal, even feeling abandoned is normal.

Saying stupid things is normal. Having your sex life change over time and feeling unhappy and disappointed over this is normal.

Feeling hopeless and helpless in a relationship is also normal at certain times in everyone’s relationship. It is even normal in the course of a relationship (shocking as it may seem to some of us) to wish for your partner to have a nice tidy fatal accident on the way home from work; and normal to feel awful about having such a thought.

Even more important, it is normal to not know how to deal with these problems.

How many classes did you have in your education that told you how to really deal with a profound difference between you and your partner?

How often did your parents sit you down and speak with you about how to work out a disagreement or a disappointment with your partner (if you did have these things, God bless you!).

If you are normal, you have much more training for a job that you might not even care much about than you did for the incredibly demanding life skills of being a partner to someone you love.

This is why a reasonable amount of real dedication to learning about relationships, what works and what doesn’t, is as important as anything you can possibly do in life. I recommend that you find a good source of information — one that fits for you personally — and put some effort into the relationship you already have rather than dreaming about the one you don’t.

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Do You Make Your Woman Feel Comfortable?

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If you’re not interested in earning a 5 figure monthly income online and you need to contact us for INDIVIDUAL/ COUPLES COACHING or COUNSELING.
click here – http://smb01.com/individual-couples-coaching-with-ayize-aiyana-maat