Life’s Trials Are Truly Testing My Marriage

Video: I just want to start off by saying I truly think you guys are amazing. I really respect the fact that you tell it how it is, you don’t sugar coat things and I think it helps when a third party can come in and dissect the situation and give their opinions.
My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years now. When we first started dating things were great. There were tons of hugs and kisses. We had a great sex life. Sure there were the occasional arguments but even though it wasn’t perfect it was great. I could honestly call him my best friend. We did everything together. Even if we weren’t doing anything we still had a great time.
2 years ago in January I was attacked in an underground parking lot and was raped by 3 men. I have never felt so disgusting and violated in my life. I remember being so scared to see my husband (boyfriend at the time) I really felt like it was my fault. I felt like I had cheated on him without wanting to cheat. I know that probably sounds so messed up but I felt more horrible about how my husband was going to feel more than myself. He took the news hard however he just held me, told me how much he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. I had never felt so safe then I did that day in his arms. It was allot of work but we worked through the horrible situation. He took his time; he was patient and loving etc. A few months later on April 5th he asked me to marry him, he didn’t want to wait and by noon on April 6th we were husband and wife.
Shortly after we got married we found out I was pregnant … my husband and I both didn’t want children and had many conversations about it and when we found out it took a bit but both of us were so excited. He was amazing; he would come home from work with little outfits or toys for our baby. I carried until 8 months and then went into labour; we had a beautiful little girl who passed away 2 days later in the hospital due to health issues. I can honestly say I have never experienced that kind of heartbreak. I would never wish that on my worst enemy. My husband and I took awhile to move through those emotions. Even though there isn’t a day either one of us don’t think of our little girl we have to move on with our lives.
A few months after our daughter’s birth and passing I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I have had 2 surgeries and have gone through chemo and radiation treatments. I had very little energy, felt horrible almost all the time but my husband was great. After treatments he would just hold me and let me cry. He would again tell me everything will be okay … and I again felt safe felt like I had something to fight for.
A few months ago I was told that there was active cancer cells again and I am currently going through tests and treatments etc. The difference this time is that my husband isn’t holding me anymore. He won’t kiss me unless I ask; he won’t hug me when I hug him. He sleeps on the couch, and every night I go ask him to come to bed and he tells me he is comfy. We don’t have sex. When I try he tells me he is too tired or just isn’t in the mood. I truly don’t remember the last time we had a full conversation that wasn’t about normal everyday events such as bill payments, groceries etc. I know he loves me but I really can’t say if he is in love with me anymore. I’m so tired, and I cry myself to sleep every night. Honestly I feel he is holding allot of resentment against me. We were in a heated argument a few months ago and he let slip out that “his life was quiet and normal before me” I didn’t ask for the rape, the passing of our baby girl or the cancer that is attacking me. When we made up he said he didn’t mean it but I really feel like that type of comment couldn’t have come out without some meaning behind it. I was just wondering if I could get your opinions on the situation and I guess I just want to know if you think that there have been so many things that have come at us that maybe there is no hope of going back.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this 🙂





CLICK HERE to learn how to improve the quality of your SEX & INTIMACY

CLICK HERE to get our incredible COMMUNICATION PACKAGE so you can connect like you deserve to.

Buy Now

Buy Now

Take Me Back To Where Commitment Was Golden

By Ilex Bien-Aime

While watching the show Gangland the other day, I saw a group called the Traveling Vice Lords. When certain members were asked about the possibility of them leaving the gang, they refused because of the commitment made. To a law abiding citizen, hearing something like that was quite appalling but it also opened my eyes to the thinking of this world. Many of us have some screwed up priorities when it comes to what we should and should not be committed to. Often times we dedicate ourselves to things that do not matter while distancing ourselves from the things that do.

The institution of marriage is in trouble. It used to be that people would refrain from getting married because they were afraid of settling down, but now I hear people refraining from marriage because they see no true commitment between married people. Everyday someone is filing for divorce and when the smoke clears and all is said and done, the cause of the breakup was a lack of commitment. The documents may say irreconcilable differences or whatever else, but at the end of the day, it was one or both partners refusing to fully invest in something they said that they would cherish for a life time.

I have seen committed people before in all walks of life, but when it comes to marriage I see very little commitment. Seriously, I know people who are committed to sports, their careers, fraternities, sororities, and all kinds of things. They will fight tooth and nail to preserve whatever interests them the most but marriage, the holy institution formed by God Himself, is optional for them to preserve. It’s crazy how people will herald and defend a shield that is man made but will disrespect the sanctity of marriage.

It really makes me sad and angry to see just how crazy our priorities really are. I just don’t know which person is sadder, the man who is dedicated to a gang who is known for killing innocent people or the man who is willing to throw away his marriage because it has not turned out the way he envisioned it. We are more committed to tattooing the name of our spouse on our bodies than actually maintaining the relationship with our spouse. Does this not make you angry?

Maybe it’s just me who has bumped his head. Maybe I see the world in this idealistic way that is supposed to be governed with morals and standards that don’t really exist. When I talk to people about athletes who have not signed a prenuptial agreement,everyone thinks that I am stupid and naive for saying that a marriage should not need such an agreement. Sure I understand the concept but if a marriage has to have a contract behind it, it shows a lack of commitment. Marriage should not have a what if option. Maybe I am dreaming but take me back to where commitment was golden!

Ilex Bien-Aime is an integral part of the team. He lives in Washington, DC with his lovely wife. He writes as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. He writes as a man who wants to give his future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly he writes what he writes because his female friends are always asking his opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at or via email

VIDEO RECAP: The Black Love Bond “Dating In DC” Event Was So Much Fun!

By Aiyana Ma’at

Recently, Ayize and I were asked to participate in a Dating & Relationships panel that explored the dynamics of dating here in our hometown–the DMV. The event was hosted and put on by our new friend Krystal Glass of  We were joined on the panel by author, journalist, and pop culture critic Helena Andrews, writer/crimefighter and co-founder of Panama Jackson, founder of Nee Cee Simmons, and Host of “The Luv Lounge” Radio Show Jamal Muhammad.

It was so well put together and fun, fun, fun! Krystal is a woman on a mission to provide a platform for much needed conversations in our community. She considers herself a community servant and it really comes through! If you’re in the DC Metropolitan area—check her out and come out to support one of her many interesting and dynamic events. Follow Krystal on Twitter @Krystal_Glass. Here’ a peek at what the event was like. Can we say intellectually stimulating?!

2 Simple But Powerful Ways To Strengthen The Bond Between Marriage & Romance

By Hayden Danczak

The words marriage and romance sometimes mix like oil and vinegar for a lot of married couples. Just think about it for a second. When was the last time you and your spouse spent some quality time together outside of the bedroom? A lot of people will not be able to remember the last time! One of the biggest reasons that marriages start to fail, can be directly attributed to a lack of romance in the marriage. In order for any marriage to thrive and remain healthy, it is important that married couples work at keeping the romance spark alive in their relationship.

While it sounds nice to hear that keeping the romance in your marriage alive will help it to remain healthy, it is not always easy. So how do you go about keeping marriage and romance together in your marriage? For starters, it is important that you consider your spouse’s needs, wants, or interests in mind. Romance is a two way street and you must be able to compromise with your spouse in order to maintain a happy and healthy relationship.

Marriage and romance doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact probably the most important first step in rekindling your romance is through simple daily affection. Now this may sound trivial and not to exciting, but the fact is, that this should be the foundation for romance. We sometimes get too caught up in the daily grind of work, family, chores, etc. and forget to do the little things that allowed us to fall in love in the first place.

Affection doesn’t cost anything and it is pleasurable to both give and receive. Remember a simple “I love you,” goes a long way. So what are some easy ways to show your affection? Simple things such as holding hands, kissing, and embracing your spouse can really show your affection. Don’t be afraid to show affection in public (don’t get too crazy) it can really prove to your spouse that you want others to know just how much you care about them which is important.

I’d say the other important part to keeping romance alive is spending alone time with your partner. Just like showing affection, many married couples, stop going out on dates. Whether it’s a special night alone in the house or a romantic night out on the town, it is vital that you spend time alone with your spouse. Going out on a date should not be a complicated process. Make it exciting, and something for the two of you to look forward to.

There are a couple of ways to set up a date that can be both exciting and memorable. You could plan a surprise weekend getaway for you and your spouse. This builds up excitement and can really ignite the romantic fire. Or, simply plan a night out together without the kids. It doesn’t matter whether its dinner and a movie, or stopping by the local bar to have a couple of drinks, the important thing is that you and your spouse are spending time alone to reconnect.

Romance needs to be an essential part of any healthy marriage. Remember, keeping romance alive is not and should not be difficult. Simple things that we may take for granted such as showing daily affection are very powerful actions. Also, spending time alone together can really keep the marriage away from the mundane of the daily grind. Just remember, if you want to keep the chemistry between marriage and romance flowing, then you have to put forth the effort and show your spouse that they are still very much an important and necessary part of your life.

Hayden Danczak is the owner of Visit the site today.

What Type Of Trust Do You Have In Your Marriage?

By  Drs. Evelyn and Paul Moschetta

A happy marriage rests on a foundation of unquestioned trust. If you want your marriage to be all it can be, you must know how to create this kind of trust. Most couples think of trust exclusively in terms of being sexually faithful, which is essential, but there’s more to it.

Our research into strong healthy marriages revealed five specific kinds of trust husbands and wives gave one another. Go over the following list and check which kind of trust you bring or do not bring into your marriage. Ask your spouse to do the same and share your results. This is an excellent way to clarify where your trust is solid or where it may need work.

Here are the 5 dimensions of unquestioned trust:

1. Trust that you will be sexually faithful.Without sexual fidelity marriage becomes unworkable. Partners can recover from an affair but need professional help to do it. Keep your commitment to be sexually faithful and if you’re unhappy in your marriage: get counseling and not a part-time lover.

2. Trust that you will not harm,reject or control one another. Trust thrives in an atmosphere of safety and security. Hurting one another, physically or verbally, and then rejecting one another, creates fear which undermines trust. With control comes mistrust so make sure your love is not filled with a lot of possessive clinging which pushes your partner away.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Want A Seriously Strong Marriage? Set Relationship Goals.

By Richard Nicastro

When you consider what your relationship needs, consider the laws of gravity. An object that is set in motion will continue to move, unless something stands in its way. On the flip side, a motionless object will never move unless something acts upon it. Your relationship or marriage will remain inert unless you act to put it and keep it in motion. And, just as day-to-day goals keep you moving from one task to the next, setting goals for your relationship will infuse your relationship with that vital momentum.

When you and your partner work together to create goals that improve or maintain the health of your relationship, you also create an atmosphere of collegiality and companionship. Relationship goals will help you and your partner remain focused whenever the relationship goes through the difficult transitions that all unions experience. These goals can also act as the antidote to the stagnation and lethargy that can creep into any marriage over time.

Establishing relationship goals does not have to be a complicated process. In fact, the simpler and more straightforward the goal, the better. The biggest challenge you’ll face is remaining consistent in your efforts toward reaching your goals.

Working toward your relationship goals means working to become a better partner to your mate. A word of warning, though: Do not establish goals for your partner! Focus on establishing your own goals, your partner should focus on his/her goals, and the two of you can create joint goals (e.g., traveling more, spending more time socializing with other couples, sharing household tasks).

Relationship goals—Where to begin:

First, pick an area of your relationship that you’d like to work on. Here are some examples:

1. Communication goals: How can you become a better communicator? This might involve asking your partner more questions about his/her job, not interrupting your partner while s/he is speaking, or stating your needs more directly.

2. Compassion/support goals: This might involve asking your partner what s/he needs, driving him/her to a doctor’s appointment, or setting aside a certain amount of time each day to check in with each other.

3. Affection/love goals: How often and how clearly do you express your emotions? Being affectionate can take on many different forms: directly with loving statements; through touch, such as hand-holding or a shoulder rub; or by establishing special gestures that only the two of you share. Establishing goals to be more demonstrative means finding creative ways to express loving feelings on a regular basis.

3. Negotiation/compromise goals: Being in a committed relationship means learning to compromise. Taking steps to appreciate your partner’s viewpoint (even when you may not agree with him/her) sends the message that you take your partner’s needs seriously. Negotiating and learning to “agree to disagree” are essential for the health of your relationship.

4. Commitment goals: You can’t feel an intimate connection with another human being unless you first feel safe with him/her. When you demonstrate commitment, you lay the groundwork for emotional safety and therefore, for intimacy. Think of commitment like a safety net: even during difficult times, that commitment will be there to break your fall. Establishing commitment goals might involve spending more time with your partner or making decisions that clearly demonstrate that your relationship is a top priority in your life.

5. Physical intimacy goals: Take steps to become a more attuned, responsive sexual partner. For instance, take the time to discover all the ways in which your partner would like to be sexually satisfied or come to an agreement with your partner regarding how often you’d both like to make love.

6. Shared interests/activities goals: The most successful married couples cite friendship as a key ingredient of their long-term success. Work toward developing activities that you both enjoy and that you both enjoy sharing with one another. You might try a new activity together each month, such as taking tennis lessons or learning to speak a new language.

7. Household responsibility goals: How involved are you with completing household chores? Does it feel like the work is equally or fairly divided? The mundane details of daily life (things like cooking, shopping, cleaning) should be negotiated, not just assumed by default. Find out if your partner is happy with the current arrangement by asking if there is more that you can do.

This list is by no means exhaustive. Reflect on the areas of your relationship that you’d like to improve. Do some introspecting on your own and also think back to feedback you may have already received from your partner. For instance, if your partner has questioned your commitment by noting, “You never call when you say you’re going to,” you can develop a goal to show your commitment by becoming more reliable in following through on your promises.

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Visit him at

Will You Take The Risk To Love Fully?

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

The Four Loves, by C.S. Lewis

I am grateful that a friend sent me the above quote, as it wonderfully states a vitally important subject that we all need to struggle with – to love or not to love.

I had to confront this issue when I had my first child. Having grown up as a very lonely only child, I had wanted children ever since I could remember. I wanted to experience the sweet innocence of a baby’s laugh and the happy sound of children playing. I want so much to give my love to a child. But I wasn’t prepared for the overpowering feeling of love that I had when my first child was born. It felt as though my heart would burst out of my chest. And, of course, along with the profound love, came the fear. What if something happened to him? Could I survive his loss? How can I love fully alongside this fear?

When my first grandchild was born, my daughter faced the same dilemma. “How can I let myself love so much when loss is always possible?” And she came to the same conclusion that I did – that I would rather love fully, even if I end up losing the person I love rather than hold back and never experience to profound joy of loving fully. The saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all,” took on great meaning for me.

Yet in my work with individual, couples, and parents, I see that many people do not have the courage to love fully. Some choose not to be in a relationship for fear of loss. Others choose not to have children for fear of loss. Some do enter relationships and have children but hold back, being too afraid of not being able to survive loss if they should lose their loved one.

What they don’t realize is that what C.S. Lewis stated is so true – “The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” They think they can get away with not fully loving. They don’t realize that their emptiness is from NOT loving. Living with a sense of emptiness is a very sad way to live. Better to feel the grief, heartbreak and loneliness of loss than to live empty due to choosing not to love fully.

I want to encourage you to take the risk of opening your heat and loving. After all, this is what life is all about! If you hold back on loving due to fear of loss, you miss out on the greatest joy that life has to offer.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Visit her website at for more articles and help.

Must Have Tips From A Successful Black Marriage

By Myrtle Jones

Seems we’re always hearing that marriage is an endangered institution among Black folks, but you can’t prove it by this long-married couple.

Once, a friend sent me a copy of Joy Jones’s (no relation) March 2006 column in The Washington Post, “Marriage Is for White People.” In it, Jones, a single Black woman, reflects on the notion that African-Americans have given up on the institution of marriage altogether. After reading it, my friend and I began sharing our views about what we thought were the solutions.

I’ve heard all of the gloomy statistics before. I know, for instance, that 42 percent of African-American women and 43 percent of African-American men ages 15 and over have never been married, compared with only 21 percent of White women and 27 percent of White men.

I also understand how I have come to be, at the age of 37, among the ranks of never-married African-Americans. I was born in the 1970s, a time when parents were teaching their daughters, as my mother taught me, to focus on education and career. If I focused on these, so the reasoning went, then a family of my own would naturally follow.

Today I have the education and the career, but the family has yet to follow.

For many years I worked so hard on staying “focused” that I either ignored or dismissed opportunities to develop relationships that could lead to marriage. When I finally did decide to focus on relationships, I spent time trying to decide what I wanted. A year later I thought that it would happen instantly, or at least soon.

It didn’t, but I remain optimistic that marriage will happen for me one day. Meanwhile, I am learning that life is always about balance. Focusing too much on one thing–whether it is career, family, or relationship–is never a good thing.

Likewise, I believe that African-Americans should stop focusing so much on how bad things are on the marriage front and how we got here, and instead look at ways to make things better. There are African-Americans who are happily married, and we should look to them for inspiration and advice.

One successful marriage I know of is that between my uncle Arthur and aunt Altha. Arthur, 62, and Altha, 56, have been married for more than 33 years. They married soon after college, before either of them had delved deeply into a career. They achieved career and family success simultaneously and not consecutively, as I was advised to do.

Uncle Arthur and Aunt Altha don’t always agree with each other, yet they always seem to communicate with, respect, and love each other. They have fun together and seem to know when to ignore or simply give their mate room to breathe.

I asked Uncle Arthur and Aunt Altha what they thought about the state of Black marriage, and here’s what they said single people ought to know:

1. Respect each other.

Young girls and boys need to learn early on how to be a friend to the opposite sex.

2. Stop building your life around rap music and bling-bling.

In other words, quit being so superficial. Guys focus too much on a woman’s body, and women focus too much on a man’s wallet. Money won’t buy you love, and looks will fade over time.

3. Everyone wants to be catered to, but don’t be blinded by that need.

Look for the person who is hardworking but who may not always have a lot of time to spend with you. Many of our young men are brought up by women who smother them. Likewise, young women think that the man who loves them must shower them with attention. However, a man who is working on his career and making a living for his family will never be able to cater to you the same way that the lazy one whose sole focus is dating you will. A woman who is out there taking care of business will never be able to smother her man the way his mother did.

4. Remain flexible about choosing a mate as you grow older and gain success.

Aunt Altha stated, “My aunt has three successful daughters. Two are unmarried, and one is married. The one who married did so soon after she finished school. I don’t have a solution, but in thinking about it, I am sure the other two had challenges as they got older because they weren’t just going to marry anybody.”

5. Seek balance as you progress through life.

You don’t have to wait until you finish school to focus on a relationship. The two of you can build together. The key to making this work is to select someone who wants the same things out of life that you do.

6. Being married will not prevent you from achieving your dreams.

On the contrary, being married will allow you to accomplish more than you can as a single person. The commitment of marriage inspires both of you to strive for more out of life for you and your family, and the foundation of marriage will support your efforts.

7. Get the ring and marriage first before you try setting up house to raise children.

The time when a woman has a baby is one of the hardest periods for men, according to Uncle Arthur. “Women tend to be very emotional while pregnant, and after the baby is born, we have to learn to adapt to our wife spending most of her time with the child.” Consequently, this is the time when men are most likely to leave, especially if they have not made a commitment to the mother.

Uncle Arthur and Aunt Altha also have advice about creating a successful marriage for young couples who are contemplating taking the plunge:

1. Don’t marry someone if you don’t like his or her family.

You don’t just marry the person–you marry the family, too. If the family does not like you, they will always try to find fault with you and work to destroy the marriage. If you still want to marry, Uncle Arthur suggests that you have your mate straighten out any problems with his or her relatives rather than rely on you to do it.

2. Don’t marry with the idea that you will change your partner.

Your mate may change, but not because you pressured him or her to. Uncle Arthur says that when his future wife met him, he was not one for going to church. Even though they were both Christians, he did not bother her about going, and she did not bother him about not going. In time he started going, but it was his choice, he insists.

3. Remember that marriage is about give and take.

There will be times when you don’t agree with your mate but you have to go along with his or her choice anyway. “As much as I love cars, I have never picked out a car since I’ve been married,” says Uncle Arthur. “I put a bug in her ear about what I might like, but I let her pick out all of the cars.”

4. Don’t be afraid to trust your mate.

Uncle Arthur says, “Most girls, Black or White, don’t want to get married because they don’t trust anyone. Trust comes naturally from within yourself. My wife never asked where I was going or when I was coming back, unless she needed to know so that I could watch the kids or because we’d planned on doing something. I did not ask her, either. We trust each other.”

Regardless of your past experiences, remember that marriage is not out of the question for you. Countless people get married for the first time in their 40s. If you’re not sure how to make it happen for you, start by asking for advice from the happily married people within your inner circle.

Myrtle Jones is an assistant professor at Rochester Institute of Technology.

My Husband Has Sex With Me While I’m Sleeping

Does your spouse engage in sexual acts with you that you consider to be disrespectful? How about having sex with you while you’re sleeping?

This young lady has written in because she is horrified that her friend deals with this in her marriage. She feels it’s creepy and downright disrespectful. Listen in to the details and let us know what you think.

4 Ways Your Reaction Is Ruining Your Relationship

By Aiyana Ma’at

I have a question for you. How do you respond to your husband or wife when they try to talk to you about “touchy” or “difficult” subjects? Really, just pause for a second and be honest with yourself. Do you provide a safe or hostile environment for your spouse to come and talk to you? Are you warm and inviting or cold and stand-offish? Do you ignore your spouse when they bring up things that are important to them or do you encourage them and let them know in your verbal and non-verbal body language that you are all ears?

Sometimes relationship issues crop up and then become worse and worse because they never get discussed and dealt with. Sometimes this is because both partners are avoiding the issues but sometimes one person’s reactions can be part of the problem. If your spouse tries to talk to you about your relationship issues and you ignore them or get sarcastic and rude, how are things being resolved and why would he or she ever want to approach you again?

Most of the time it’s easier to just ignore issues than it is to try and speak to someone that reacts in these ways, so one spouse might just shut down. This certainly doesn’t help anyone. All of your relationship issues need to be brought up and out in the open but no one can do that if the reaction they get is so negative.

Take a look at some examples of reactions that are just flat out WRONG and if you see yourself anywhere–stop playing and start pushing to get it RIGHT.

WRONG: when your spouse is talking you start walking….out the room, into the bathroom, in the kitchen, etc. It’s amazing how folks seem to get inspired to start cleaning up or cooking, etc. when an important topic comes up.

RIGHT: stop, pause, and pay attention when the love of your life has something important to share. Not pausing physically sends the message that you are unwilling to stop mentally and emotionally to hear what is on the heart of your spouse.

WRONG: texting, checking email, or just messing around on your cell phone, ipad, or some other computer device while your spouse is trying to talk to you.

RIGHT: In the age of social media it is far too easy to get distracted or sidetracked by a “ding” or vibration from your phone and now a days we act like we just have to see who or what it is right now. C’mon now. Show some respect. Turn the phone off or turn it to silent. You will spend far less in grief, hurt, and energy when you take 10, 15, or 30 minutes (and, yes, at times even more) to concentrate on what your spouse is feeling and thinking than you will with all of the half had conversations that will continue to keep popping up just because you won’t focus.

WRONG: Your spouse starts talking about an issue and you say something inappropriate like “Awwww, here we go!” or you let out a big sigh or say something sarcastic or rude like “It’s really not that serious is it?”. C’mon, do you really think comments like those are going to help when all is said and done?

RIGHT: If you find that it’s truly not a good time for you to talk try something like this: “Baby, I know this  is important to you and I really do want to hear what you have to say but this isn’t the best time. Because, I don’t want you to think that I’m just trying to get out of having this conversation right now I want to suggest that we talk later on tonight after the kids are in the bed so we can have some uninterrupted time.

WRONG: Your spouse brings something up and there is dead (you can hear a pin drop) silence after they finish talking. 1 minute passes, 3 minutes, 5 minutes and you ain’t said NOTHING. Your spouse is wondering if you heard them, if you’re purposefully trying to aggravate them, should they repeat themselves….what?! They might as well be talking to a wall! (ya’ll can tell this one right here might be a little familiar and particularly annoying to me…lol.)

RIGHT: Any time any one says something to you, not just your spouse, it would do you well to acknowledge what has been said. How about a word of confirmation or validation? How about  a “You know, what you said is really making me think. Let me think some more about what you said and get back with you”. The key here is to really follow up and get back with your spouse—not in like 5 days. My general rule of thumb is that you need to have something to say within the next 24 hours. Even, if you’re still pondering the issue you need to come back to your spouse and communicate some of your preliminary thoughts and schedule another time to continue with the conversation.

BLAM Fam, How important is it for us married folks to discipline ourselves in the reactions we give to our spouses when they come to us with something that is important to them?

Aiyana Ma’at is the wife of Ayize Ma’at, mom of 4, and co-founder and owner of this website,, as well as Aiyana is a Seeker, Motivator, Risk Taker, Explorer, & Overcomer. She is a self-described PurposePusher and does her best to live her life with self-awareness and intention. Some of her official titles include licensed psycho-therapist, certified marriage educator & relationship coach and speaker. She is clear that a part of the call on her life is to help bring insight and awareness to others so that they can “get out of their own way” and create the lives they want to have.





CLICK HERE to learn how to improve the quality of your SEX & INTIMACY

CLICK HERE to get our incredible COMMUNICATION PACKAGE so you can connect like you deserve to.

Buy Now

Buy Now