Video: I just want to start off by saying I truly think you guys are amazing. I really respect the fact that you tell it how it is, you don’t sugar coat things and I think it helps when a third party can come in and dissect the situation and give their opinions.
My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years now. When we first started dating things were great. There were tons of hugs and kisses. We had a great sex life. Sure there were the occasional arguments but even though it wasn’t perfect it was great. I could honestly call him my best friend. We did everything together. Even if we weren’t doing anything we still had a great time.
2 years ago in January I was attacked in an underground parking lot and was raped by 3 men. I have never felt so disgusting and violated in my life. I remember being so scared to see my husband (boyfriend at the time) I really felt like it was my fault. I felt like I had cheated on him without wanting to cheat. I know that probably sounds so messed up but I felt more horrible about how my husband was going to feel more than myself. He took the news hard however he just held me, told me how much he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. I had never felt so safe then I did that day in his arms. It was allot of work but we worked through the horrible situation. He took his time; he was patient and loving etc. A few months later on April 5th he asked me to marry him, he didn’t want to wait and by noon on April 6th we were husband and wife.
Shortly after we got married we found out I was pregnant … my husband and I both didn’t want children and had many conversations about it and when we found out it took a bit but both of us were so excited. He was amazing; he would come home from work with little outfits or toys for our baby. I carried until 8 months and then went into labour; we had a beautiful little girl who passed away 2 days later in the hospital due to health issues. I can honestly say I have never experienced that kind of heartbreak. I would never wish that on my worst enemy. My husband and I took awhile to move through those emotions. Even though there isn’t a day either one of us don’t think of our little girl we have to move on with our lives.
A few months after our daughter’s birth and passing I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I have had 2 surgeries and have gone through chemo and radiation treatments. I had very little energy, felt horrible almost all the time but my husband was great. After treatments he would just hold me and let me cry. He would again tell me everything will be okay … and I again felt safe felt like I had something to fight for.
A few months ago I was told that there was active cancer cells again and I am currently going through tests and treatments etc. The difference this time is that my husband isn’t holding me anymore. He won’t kiss me unless I ask; he won’t hug me when I hug him. He sleeps on the couch, and every night I go ask him to come to bed and he tells me he is comfy. We don’t have sex. When I try he tells me he is too tired or just isn’t in the mood. I truly don’t remember the last time we had a full conversation that wasn’t about normal everyday events such as bill payments, groceries etc. I know he loves me but I really can’t say if he is in love with me anymore. I’m so tired, and I cry myself to sleep every night. Honestly I feel he is holding allot of resentment against me. We were in a heated argument a few months ago and he let slip out that “his life was quiet and normal before me” I didn’t ask for the rape, the passing of our baby girl or the cancer that is attacking me. When we made up he said he didn’t mean it but I really feel like that type of comment couldn’t have come out without some meaning behind it. I was just wondering if I could get your opinions on the situation and I guess I just want to know if you think that there have been so many things that have come at us that maybe there is no hope of going back.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this 🙂
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