The Elephant in the Room: Why Black Folks Need to Talk about Sex Abuse

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By Whitney Greer

Now that the Jerry Sandusky case for child abuse is underway, it is critical that families engage in a discussion about sexual abuse and increased advocacy for victims.

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, there are 80,000 reported cases of child abuse reported each year in the United States. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in six men reported being sexually abused as children.

Moreover, 73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year and 45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years. Some never disclose (Broman-Fulks et al., 2007)[1].Approximately 22% of the total number of cases are African American (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2010). This number does not include the number of unreported cases.

Sexual abuse in the African American community has rarely been talked about and there are few resources to support children in their families who have endured this trauma. While there are a handful of social service agencies and governmental programs that serve as conduits for healing, many victims remain unheard, invisible, and even dismissed when allegations emerge.

When resources are available, very few families and individuals take advantage of counseling and advocacy services because of the stigma that is associated with sexual abuse: parents who refuse to talk about sexuality health with their children; children “being seen and not heard”; opening up living quarters to extended family (e.g., uncles, aunts, cousins, etc); and the myth that Black boys welcome any type of sexual contact. All of these manifestations of this ongoing stigma contribute to the need for more education and awareness about this debilitating phenomena.

Given the circumstances around this tragic incident at Penn State University, it seems important that parents position themselves to be advocates for all children.  Parents should be willing to be open to talk with children about abuse and seek professional support for those children who have been traumatized.

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Tia & Tamera Talk Pregnancy & Motherhood

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Twin sisters Tia and Tamera Mowry sat down with “Access Hollywood” recently and discussed pregnancy and motherhood.  Tamara talked about her weird cravings during the course of her pregnancy and also revealed that she and her husband Adam Housley are expecting a boy.  During the course of their interview they kept making this borderline annoying noise when talking about babies.  They definitely have a  special kind of sibling love and connection that their children will greatly benefit from.

Fatherhood Is Crucial To Society’s Survival

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By Oretha Winston

Genuine fatherhood is crucial to the growth, development and social structure of our society. Unfortunately, there are too few fathers in our homes. How this happened could be blamed on a myriad of things. What we can do to correct it is definitely a heavy lift.

According to counselor Bill Glass, who has spent 25 years with men who are incarcerated, not one of the thousands of prisoners he has met has genuinely loved his dad. And Dave Simmons, author of Dad, the Family Counselor, conducted a study that said over 90% of men on death row hated their father.

And these nuggets from the Father Facts study conducted by the National Fatherhood Initiative:

  • 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
  • 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
  • 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)
  • 80% of rapists come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)
  • 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Report on the State of High Schools .)
  • 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children.)
  • 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

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Mega Pastor Creflo Dollar Arrested For Allegedly Choking And Punching His Daughter

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Megachurch pastor and televangelist Creflo Dollar — who has drawn scrutiny for his flashy lifestyle and preaching that prosperity is good — was arrested early Friday after authorities say he slightly hurt his 15-year-old daughter in a fight at his metro Atlanta home.

Fayette County Sheriff’s deputies responded to a call of domestic violence at the home in unincorporated Fayette County around 1 a.m., said investigator Brent Rowan. The pastor and his daughter were arguing over whether she could go to a party when Dollar “got physical” with her, leaving her with “superficial injuries,” Rowan said.

The 15-year-old was the one who called authorities, and her 19-year-old sister corroborated the story, Rowan said.

Dollar faces misdemeanor charges of simple battery and cruelty to children. He bonded out of Fayette County jail Friday morning.

“As a father I love my children and I always have their best interest at heart at all times, and I would never use my hand to ever cause bodily harm to my children,” Dollar said in a statement released by his lawyer Nikki Bonner. “The facts in this case will be handled privately to further protect my children. My family thanks you for your prayers and continued support.”

Dollar will make no further comments since he’s involved in the ongoing criminal matter, but he is expected to preach Sunday, Bonner said.

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Fatherhood And Discipline: 5 Tips On Balancing Being Firm And Bonding

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By Auntie Artichoke

Many fathers assume discipline means yelling, threatening or spanking children when their behavior is unacceptable. However, discipline can be interpreted in many ways and dealt with differently among different fathers.

The first thing to know about discipline is the two ways it can be interpreted. Some men may be confusing discipline — which means loving guidance and teaching — with punishment. Punishment is punitive and harsh.

Their own fathers worked long hours and the mother did most of the parenting, sometimes with threats such as, “just wait till your father comes home!” Consequently, some men grew up without a strong, caring father. Those men may not be sure how to parent or how to get cooperation without punishing or yelling.

If there is a blended family, or the children are in two households, it is very important for dads to be consistent in giving kind, firm guidance and discipline. Be consistent. If one parent is permissive and the other is punitive or strict, the combined methods constitute a mixed approach. For a child, this is like living in a country where two different governments are operating simultaneously.

Children figure out quickly that the rules are different between two parents, and they learn to play one against the other. This mixed, or inconsistent, approach brings out the most extreme reactions in parents and children. So, as a dad, make a decision that your method of parenting will be consistent and respectful. Once your child knows what your expectations are, he or she will more easily rise to meet those guidelines and trust you.

With that being said, building a trusting relationship with a child is key to proper discipline. Here are five tips fathers can use to discipline a child, while also building a strong father-child bond:

1. Be firm, kind and respectful in setting boundaries.

2. Try to say yes, more often than no. “Yes, you may have a cookie … right after dinner.”

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Single, Divorced, Frustrated Mom….And Starting To RESENT My Children

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Everybody feels stress at some point in their lives when raising children is involved. Some people have more difficulty dealing with it than others. In this video we help a single mom with two adopted sons cope with the feelings of resentment that are starting to rise up because she’s overwhelmed. Been there, done that? Listen in and lend a word of encouragement.

“Grandfamilies” Are Growing In America…Here Are Some Ways For You To Be Prepared

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By Oretha Winston

Across the United States, almost 7.8 million* children are living in homes where grandparents or other relatives are the householders, with more than 5.8 million children living in grandparents’ homes and nearly 2 million children living in other relatives’ homes. These families are often called “grandfamilies.”

More than 2.5 million grandparents are taking on the responsibility for these children. Many other relatives also take on this responsibility, although data are not available on other relatives. Often they assume this responsibility with neither of the children’s parents present in the home. In fact, nearly 1 million children are living in homes where the grandparent is the householder and neither parent is present in the home (comparable data are not available for children living in homes where another relative is the householder and neither parent is present.)

If you are one of those grandparents this is what you will need.

  • Birth certificates, death certificates (if your grandchild’s parent is deceased), marriage records or divorce decrees for their parents
  • Social Security cards (or at least the numbers) for the children
  • Medical and dental records
  • Power of Attorney, custody, guardianship, adoption or other legal papers
  • Consent forms signed by parents for medical care and education
  • School papers, such as report cards, evaluations, registration etc.

CLICK HERE to read more.

I’m NOT A Stepmom

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

I’m not a stepmom. I consider stepmoms to be women who married a man knowing that he had children from a previous relationship. That term doesn’t define me or my situation. My husband did not have kids with another woman before we were married. My husband had a set of twins with another woman while we were married. (Go ahead and re-read the sentence. I know it’s a lot to digest. Better? Ok, let’s continue…) Here’s the synopsis: My husband had an affair, she became pregnant with twins, we decided to continue on with our marriage, our family dynamic was redefined, praise God for restoration and renewal. I’m not trivializing the hard work that has been put in to get to this point, but this article is not about the past. Like I said, that’s the synopsis. So that brings me back to my original statement: I’m not a stepmom. I didn’t knowingly marry a man with kids therefore the term does not fit me.

So what do I call myself? I’m a mom-mom. Yep, I made that term up. What exactly is a mom-mom? A mom-mom loves you in spite of the conditions surrounding your conception. A mom-mom recognizes that adult mistakes do not define your existence. A mom-mom welcomes you into her home as her child. A mom-mom believes that the mental, physical, and emotional health of all of the children involved is most important. A mom-mom wants generational curses to stop with her. A mom-mom is a woman that every weekend expands her family from 2 kids to 4 without batting an eye. A mom-mom prays. A mom-mom loves. I’m a mom-mom.

Women ask me if it’s hard being a mom-mom. Honestly, the kid part is easy. Being a good mother is something that I pride myself on. So loving two more children was the easy part. The hard part is actually dealing the people that try to negate you as a parent. I anticipated problems with the mistress, because let’s be honest – this is not the Will, Jada, and Sheree show. But when some members of the family – the very people you expect to be in your corner – tried to negate me as a parent, I was angry. Actually, I was livid. But what I had to come to realize is that I had other titles that were much more important to me than being called a “niece.” The titles that matter the most to me are “mom,” “wife”, and now, “mom-mom.”

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.

9 Things Kids Of Divorced Parents Don’t Want To Admit

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By Ms. N. Meridian

When things don’t work out between you and the person you married, you suffer internally, agonizing over a new life without each other, reminiscing about the way he once made you feel. Then, it hits you: what about your children? What happens to them?

For most, the custodial decision is practical. The children will stay with you, their mother, their nurturer, their care-giver. You are the one who kisses their feverish foreheads, who cleans up the vomit and tucks them into bed. Is Divorce Becoming a Luxury?

Beyond the financial aspects of your marriage and deciding who keeps the kids, not much is discussed, and many parents forget about the emotional turmoil their children suffer as a result of divorce. But it’s not just the parents who suffer from the failed union. Often, children of divorced couples undergo the mayhem in silence.

My parents got divorced, and so did I, and I also have a child. Here are several things I’ve learned from both of our experiences:

1. Kids feel responsible. Children may feel an overwhelming guilt about the relationship ending. Some children may feel that the marriage ended because of something they’ve said or done. Sadly, without a parent’s reassurance that the divorce had nothing to do with them or their actions, your children may harbor this and may begin to feel anxiety over losing the other parent as well.

2. Their behavior changes. Some children begin to act out in an effort to display distance from their new home life situation. To suddenly go from a secure two parent home to a one parent home can be devastating for some. For others, withdrawal seems best to avoid getting hurt further. Of course, the child who is suddenly uncomfortable in an alien environment may retreat to the safety of their fantasies, friends, school work, anything to keep from admitting that anything is wrong.

Some even act out because the only parent in their lives full-time becomes too distracted and overwhelmed by the situation and thus, avoids the children. As a result, the misbehaving children begin to hope that their new behavior will force their parents to pay attention to them. It may be the only way these children know how to cry out for help.

3. They feel a sense of loss. Losing a parent to divorce can be just as traumatic, in some cases, as losing a parent to death. Where some once seemed complacent, many may feel loss because the other parent is no longer in their lives full-time. In DK Simoneau’s book, We’re Having A Tuesday, Simoneau describes how children living with both parents, but not necessarily under the same roof, can find solutions that work for both the divorced parents and the children involved.

In the end, parents have to yet again, read between the lines, follow all the nonverbal cues their children are sending out in order to help resolve this matter. Sadly, feelings of loss may always be with your child, but there are tactics we as parents can employ to decrease these feelings over time.

4. They may resent you. Although most parents try to shield their child from the harmful effects of divorce, resentment creeps in, nonetheless. This is especially true when one parent seems to have moved on to another love, another life and eventually another family. Children can feel displaced, not knowing where, if at all, they fit into their absent parent’s life.

5. They hate when you fight. Believe it or not, your children love both of you. So bashing one, or denouncing the other isn’t showing the children you’re a hero. In their eyes, you’re making an already difficult situation unbearable. Besides, fighting will only give the absent parent a viable excuse not to visit or communicate with their children. And guess who will be the bad guy in that scenario? I can assure you, it won’t be dad.

6. They need you to listen. Getting anything more than a few words out of your children gets harder as they get older. So shut up and listen! If your child offers that rare moment for you to get into his/her world, take it. When your children ask to talk to you, oblige them. Although the last thing you want to do is relive the doomed relationship, if your children ask about dad, offer a few kinds whenever possible.

Yes, you’re still reeling from your new situation, your new debt, and the fact that you now have to start playing the field all over again. But that’s not your children’s concern. Recall a few of the good times you had together, as well as what went wrong. I’m not saying you should reopen old wounds in this case. On the contrary, keep your explanation to a minimum all while reassuring your children that the divorce had everything to do with you and your ex’s relationship, not them.

7. They aren’t adults. Your child has been through enough in regards to the divorce. So keeping a set of rules by which to live helps reestablish your child’s understanding that although you may have been thrown a curveball in life, you’’e still holding everything together. Even if you are crumbling internally, your children don’t want to know this. It only frightens them. Not to mention, your strength and flexibility shows them that they too can handle difficulties that arise in life.

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A Positive Deposit In The Lives Of Our Children

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VIDEO: We are often complimented when we are out and about with our children on how well behaved our babies are. After smiling and showing appreciation for the compliment we usually give each other a look of affirmation that says “We’re doing a good job baby.” Because of the numerous compliments we get and inquiries on what we do to manage our children we decided to do more post that focus on parenting. In this video we share a key ingredient that we believe has led us to having success in raising well behaved and well adjusted children.

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