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It takes two to tango. A good relationship is 50/50. You do your part and your partner has to do theirs, right? At least that’s what’s been said and touted in the relationship world since well…..forever. But, today you’ve come across this article to unlearn that thinking and discover a very different truth. And, by the way we don’t believe anything happens on accident so you are right where you are supposed to be reading what you are supposed to be reading in this moment.

So, what actually is the truth of this matter? Let’s start with some foundational knowledge that will be essential to your understanding what we’re dropping here and critical to your changing and saving your relationship. The truth is that YOUR RELATIONSHIP MIRRORS YOUR INNER WORLD. Your relationship with your partner is mirroring your beliefs, attitudes and actions back to yourself. So, just what does this mean? We often talk about how two people can experience the very same set of circumstances, identical conditions and the same exact challenges and yet can perceive the same exact thing very differently.

Same Challenge….different outcome

One easy to understand example is when you have two children growing up in the same family–let’s just say it’s a dysfunctional environment where little love is shown and expressed with an alcoholic mother and an absentee father who’s never around. The parents fight all the time and there is emotional and physical abuse that is witnessed by the children along with significant emotional neglect as the 2 children literally have to find ways to take care of themselves in this chaotic family. Those 2 kids eventually grow up. One of them leads a life of struggling in his relationships not understanding why he keeps having the same issues with different women, he meanders through his life feeling no sense of real purpose and a nagging feeling of emptiness that he’s developed the habit of masking and covering up with alcohol. On the other hand the other kid becomes a high achieving medical doctor who gets married, has children, a few solid brothers he can turn to when he’s feeling overwhelmed or having a tough time, decides to never touch alcohol based on what he experienced and attributes his success to his faith and family as motivators to create the kind of life he never had. By the way the second brother spent some very intentional time in therapy and doing individual personal development work as well.

This “experiencing the same thing” yet having very different perceptions and outcomes is the same for our relationships! Do you think that what you’re going through in your relationship is super unique? We can tell you with 100% certainty—that it is not. Why are some couples able to get through and build during difficulty while other couples are crushed by the difficult times? It all comes down to the individual experiences of the people in the relationship. And all that matters is YOU and what YOU are doing in the midst of the hard moments.

You attract who you are.

In a relationship in which your partner treats you with love and support you will find that the basis for his or her love is the love you have towards yourself and subsequently towards others. When you trust yourself you attract a trustworthy partner. When you believe in yourself you will also have a partner who shows up believing in you too. When you are intentionally kind, loving and truly considerate of yourself you automatically begin extending that kind, loving consideration to others—especially your partner—and in turn this is what you will begin to see coming back to you from your boo.

Let’s be clear–THIS IS NOT ABOUT BLAMING YOURSELF OR REMOVING RESPONSIBILITY FROM YOUR PARTNER. This is about putting the ball in your court & gaining new personal insight because you are endeavoring to get to know yourself on a completely different level. It’s about developing your capacity to understand and make room for the sore spots, mishaps and mess ups of your partner by recognizing in yourself where and how you may at times experience similar feelings, concerns, defenses or fears. The bottom line? Once YOU change your relationship will mirror that change. Remember, your relationship (all relationships in fact–not just the one with your sweetie) mirrors you–not your partner.

The Shift Starts With You.

So, what will happen once YOU change? Simply put, Once you change your relationship will mirror that change.

You’ll begin to shift those habitual thoughts, beliefs and ways of acting with your partner and in response to them and your relationship will begin to transform in a way you’ve never ever experienced.

If you are serious about doing your work and you keep putting one foot in front of the other with steady persistence, change will come and your partner will begin to shift and all of those negative things that you dislike about your partner will begin to disappear…..they will begin to change! Oh wait, or will it be that you’ve changed and you will be looking through new eyes? Hmmmm…’s both. 😉

To see the behavior of someone else transform in direct response to your transformation will amaze you. When all is said and done, one of two things will happen–#1 your partner will begin to positively shift in response to your transformation and you all will begin going to new heights together OR your partner will be released from your life and you will have a completely new set of tools to utilize as you navigate your relationships along with crystal clear clarity on who you are and how to have an amazing relationship with the right one.

Remember, any attempt to change someone else without 1st changing yourself will not be effective because the image being reflected back at you will not have changed. Why? Say it with us: Your relationship mirrors you, not your partner.