By Richard Jungst & Louie Black
I speak not only for my self here, but for many men that I know, and have seen over the course of my life. A lot of men have an issue with controlling their anger. Unless you are a highly trained Buddhist monk, anger is going to pop up in your life from time to time. It is a normal and healthy human emotion.
There is nothing wrong with feeling anger. In fact, anger is a very useful signal from your sub-conscious. It tells you that there is something happening in your world that you feel is intolerable. The danger of anger is not in the emotion. The danger is in what you choose to do with the emotion.
There are several ways that a man can deal with anger.
One coping method is to try and ignore it. You leave the room, or otherwise distract yourself from what is happening, and try to push the anger back down inside. This is very difficult to do, and is not always wise. That anger is coming from inside of you to begin with. By trying to force it down, you are wrestling with your own sub-conscious mind. Anger turned inward can become festering resentment. It builds over time until you eventually explode and have a huge tantrum. That explosive tantrum could be far more destructive than all of the little ones that you were fighting so hard to avoid.
Another way to deal with anger is to direct outward. This is commonly known as venting, or blowing off steam.
Maybe you vent your anger verbally. You raise your voice to show that you are angry, or to lash out at the person who made you angry. Maybe you take it to the next level and scream profanities at them, or maybe even a level beyond that. You threaten, belittle, and call them nasty names to assert your dominance and force then to submit. Whether you realize it or not that is exactly what you’re doing when you engage in this behavior.
If your anger is allowed to become too out of control, it could escalate to a physical level. You punch the wall, or knock something over. You might even lash out at another person such as your wife or children.
Venting can feel good; however, it can also be very destructive. If the pattern of building anger and venting it at your family occurs often enough, it can seriously undermine the stability of your marriage.
An angry male can be very intimidating. Nature designed him to be that way. When a man is angry, his body pumps itself full of adrenaline. His voice becomes louder, he stands up taller, and his muscles coil so that they are ready to fight. This is because once upon a time, a man may have been called on to fight in defense of his family or his tribe. Anger helped him to prepare for that battle.
When it is your wife or children who is the target of your anger, then it is a completely different story. They hear your voice change. They see you flexing muscles and adopting a threatening stance, and they get scared.
Hopefully you have not allowed yourself to become physically angry with you wife and family. If you have, you need to get professional help. That is a line that should never be crossed.
Even if you have never laid a finger on your wife in anger, you can still hurt her deeply with your words. When it comes to your marriage, if this anger is not handled in the right way, it can eventually undermine everything that a healthy marriage is built on. To your wife, your anger is intimidating. A mans angry voice will always cut straight to a woman’s soul. You doubt that? Ask any woman.
You might think that venting anger is OK so long as it is not actually directed at your wife. Do not kid yourself with this. She will feel it the same if you are yelling at the kids, the dog, or even the guy on the highway that cut you off. It is all intimidating to her. She sees that you are not in control of yourself and she has no idea what you will do next.
Of course, we are not animals. Eventually we calm down and apologize. Let’s be honest here, who do you thing you were trying to make feel better, your wife, or yourself? Apologies do not mean squat, if they are not followed by change.
Let me repeat that. Apologies do not mean squat, if they are not followed by change. You will just become stuck in a pattern of blowing up, and apologizing, and blowing up, and apologizing again. If you really want to make your loved ones feel safer, change yourself. If you do not learn how to manage your own anger, then you will have only yourself to blame when your wife leaves you, your kids grow up to have no respect for you, and you find yourself alone with only the dog to yell at.
Do not wait for your wife to tell you that she is intimidated by your anger. I know many women that have managed to deal with their husbands rage for years without leaving them. They certainly did not wish for it to continue, but for a myriad of reasons they chose to try and cope for as long as they could. However, they were building resentment, fear, and anger of their own. Eventually it became too much and the marriage fell apart.
In my opinion, a man should be a leader and protector for his family. He must learn to do this without resorting to anger whenever things are not going his way. He needs to behave in a way that allows his family to feel safe and secure with him. He cannot accomplish this if he is the thing that his family fears most.
There are many ways that a man can learn to control his anger. He can learn to be calm, confident and in control without intimidation. He can learn to communicate his displeasure without yelling, and to convince others to follow his direction without threats.
This is the kind of man that women are powerfully attracted to. He does not get rattled. He does not lose control of himself or his emotions. He is always operating in a mode of personal strength, honor, dignity and respect for himself and others.
For the sake of your marriage, your wife, and all of your loved ones. Get some supportive help if you know deep down inside that you need to change. Learn to control your anger before you drive your loved ones away.
Visit www.savemysexlessmarriage.com to read more from Richard and Louie