I Hope You Feel Bad On Father’s Day

By Ayize Ma’at

You’re probably thinking WTF!!??!  Like my wife, you may be thinking why would you hope someone feels bad on Father’s Day? As co-owner of this site she expressed that she didn’t like “the energy” of this post on a day like Father’s Day. But, it’s my day and I’m gonna keep it 100. To be honest…. Your recklessness, abandonment, and shameful acts of irresponsibility have become my problem.  Yes…when you don’t do what you are supposed to (i.e. teach your children) someone else does.  What man allows another man to carry his own weight?

As a father raising four children I find myself shielding and protecting my children from a chaotic world that exists in our community because of your negligence.  Boys disrespecting girls in our community exists because of YOU.  High out of wedlock birthrates exists because of YOU.  Bullying exists because of YOU.  Teen pregnancy exists because of YOU. Identity confusion exists because of YOU.  Low self esteem exists because of YOU.  Angry black boys in an assembly line to prison exists because of YOU. Low academic achievement exists because of YOU.

Yes, the aforementioned statements are sweeping generalizations void of the panoramic perspective needed to examine black fathers.  Yes, there are plenty of socio-economic variables that contribute to the host of social issues previously mentioned.  Although I recognize the plethora of contributing factors, today I’ve chosen to focus exclusively on the communal impact of absent black fathers because they need to hear real talk and feel the real pain of neglected children and disappointed black men who have “manned up” because they’ve decided to “man down”.

For many of you the instinctive reaction is to turn toward your “baby’s mama” and say she’s the reason why you are not in your child’s life.  I hear you.  I believe she may have made it difficult for you.  I know you probably hate her.  But guess what champ…..GET OVER IT!  IT AIN’T ABOUT HER.  IT AIN’T ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.  IT IS ABOUT YOUR CHILD.  It may be hard as hell to get back in your child’s life.  But isn’t your child worth going to hell and back?

Today, tomorrow, next week, next year when I’m walking down the street holding my sons hands or holding my daughters hands and I notice the furtive glances of children who have no father in their life…I WILL BE REMINDED OF YOU.  Their eyes tell a story of disappointment, frustration, anguish, and abandonment.  So yes…I hope you feel bad on Father’s Day…..  because your absence has caused your children to feel bad EVERYDAY.

14 replies
  1. rjs
    rjs says:

    I think this post speaks volumes. All men should take responsibility for raising their children, as most social problems are caused by misguided kids. Black dads are the most guilty demographic, and it should be addressed.

  2. Brownstone
    Brownstone says:

    I love the articles, but you are killing me with skipping all the apostrophes in the possessive nouns: son's, daughter's, etc. I've seen this on a few articles. Your thoughts are worthy of a spell check.

    Aside from that, I feel you brother!

  3. Cole Flemister
    Cole Flemister says:

    As one of those who needed to think twice having a child and with whom, I am here to tell you that despite having chose a partner who would not stay in their childs life after the breakdown of the relationship, there was nothing wrong with my initial choice. Some folk talk about 'Nobody gonna keep me from my baby" but in reality the child support, visiting schedules, significant others, cause all but the very committed to run!! Man or Woman!!! It is harder to work out the shared child than the failed relationship or even the big marriage issues. The man who fights with his wife about the budget in marriage, fights with his ex about the child support too.The woman that doesnt trust her husband, doesnt trust her ex-husband any more either. It is just a different (and more hostile) playing field. This message needs to get out. LOUD, OFTEN! Our children are worth it!

  4. Meghan
    Meghan says:

    Speak on it!
    Unfortunately, the folks you speak of probably aren't visiting a blog labeled "Blackloveandmarriage".
    These words are needed but this platform probably doesn't reach it's targeted audience.

  5. Rais Mujahid
    Rais Mujahid says:

    I find it interesting that while 72% of children in the black community are born out of wedlock it appears that men are taking 100% of the blame. It is unreasonable to assume that the bum you decide to have children with is going to all of a sudden become a responsible man when you get pregnant.

    Unless he is your husband and he bounced I don't know what you thought was going to happen. While I do despise men that aren't fathers to their offspring, I also don't expect men without the capacity to be fathers to step up and do so. Women must choose wisely who they decide to impregnate them and take more responsibility when they choose a bum.

  6. Snarky
    Snarky says:

    Tell the truth, Aiyze, tell the truth. There are too many bad apples spoiling the batch. as A great father, you have a right to be angry and men not doing there jobs.

  7. Dionne
    Dionne says:

    OMG.. I'm sorry that your wife doesn't approve.. but if she had been in church today while my pastor spoke of the role of a father in a child's life and watched my daughter break down in tears.. it may have been more tolerable. My husband (not her biological parental unit or DNA.. Daddy Never Around) doesn't treat her the same as our son.. He only shows up when he can get some shine. It broke my heart and the hearts of so many in my church this morning to see first hand what NOT being in their life will do. And the moment the tears fell.. MY HUSBAND was right there to wipe her tears. To see my husband cry with her was the most precious and hurtful thing I have ever seen since my father's passing.. She is 14, a start athlete with a brilliant mind.. and as much as I tell her it's HIS loss.. she still sees it as she isn't good enough.. No matter what we do or how much we love her.. or love on her.. she will always wonder why this ______ doesn't feel the same way.. So you are DEAD ON with this one.. and THANK You for saying it..

  8. Lj Avery
    Lj Avery says:

    First I want to say Happy Father's day and to tell you that I am proud of you and the man you have grown to be, Ayize. Next, I wanna tell you that I feel you on this post because men need to understand that even if the two people are not still together it is still their responsibility to raise the child that together. Even if both of you have moved on to new relationship it is still YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to raise your child. I'm speaking as a grown woman that was raised by a wonderful man that did not create me but was the BEST FATHER in the world!! He protected me and shielded me from the time he laid eyes on me to his grave. And although he was the BEST FATHER/DAD/PROVIDER/PROTECTOR that I ever had there has always been thoughts in my mind about why the biological man that created me never stepped up to the plate. These thoughts and feelings will be with me for the rest of my life since he never wanted to explain or remedy the situation before he died. So if you are a man that is not active in your child's life

  9. Donté
    Donté says:

    Thank for this brother. This was a much needed article. All too often black men (and men in general) don't have a fellow man taking them to task. It usually comes from a hurt, bitter, and frustrated woman, thus not having the same level of authenticity. Despite what some may say, I don't view this article as ''beating up'' on the brothers. We all need a kick in the butt sometimes, no matter how 'harsh'' it may sound. God Bless you my brother and thank YOU for taking your fatherhood and manhood responsibilities seriously.

  10. Musa
    Musa says:

    Why the negative energy bro? Today is supposed to be about celebrating the father's who are present. There's enough beating up on black men on a daily basis that I'd hope we'd be spared from being the punching bag on Father's Day.

    • Lj Avery
      Lj Avery says:

      Musa– Not negative but truth was spoke by Ayize with the passion that only he possess as a strong black father to four beautiful children. Truth some don't want to hear but truth that needs to be said with a passionate punch by a phenomenal person.

  11. Jc
    Jc says:

    Just wanted to say…THANK YOU!

  12. Sheldon
    Sheldon says:

    Wowwww!!!!! Ayize I wasn't expecting that. It was a bit harsh and it cut to the core. But it was much needed. Thanks brotha for the reminder. I push everyday to get back in my children's lives and I thank you and other brotha's like you who aren't afraid to hold me to task. Ase Bro.

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