By Ayize Ma’at
One of the things that jumps out at me in our relationship counseling sessions is that many women in relationships are missing the mark when it comes to effective communication. Yup, I said it….many women are poor communicators and consequently have subpar relationships. This may be confusing and somewhat socially contradictory because women have been deemed “great communicators”, “expressive”, “chatterboxes”, “in tune and outspoken”. But please understand this, JUST BECAUSE YOU TALK MORE IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE A BETTER COMMUNICATOR”. The words you speak only represent a fraction (7%) of what it means to communicate. Body language, facial expressions, tone, and tempo weigh more heavily on whether the message you’re trying to communicate is actually being received and understood. Ladies, for the sake of this post I’m only gonna focus on what you say. For now take note of these 10 Things You Can Say TODAY To Put A Smile On Your Man’s Face…(or in his heart).
1. I LOVE YOU
When was the last time you told your man “I Love You”? I’m not talking about saying it in passing, before you hang up the phone, or before you walk out the door. I’m talking about saying “I Love You” in a moment of stillness. A man wants to feel that his woman’s love is deliberate and intentional. Please press pause on your day and tell your special someone, “I Love You“.
2. IT’S O.K. IF…..
Ladies fill in the blank with (hang out with the fellas, go to a movie, go have a drink, take a nap, do nothing). This is all about the psychological relief your man feels when you grant him guilt free space. You see a responsible man is constantly thinking about his family and reoccurring obligations. Give him permission to RELAX by saying “It’s o.k. if…..”
3. I APPRECIATE YOU
It’s easy to take your spouse for granted. It’s also easy to refuse to tell your spouse you appreciate them when you feel your relationship is a constant drama. While you may be going through rough times all the damn time one way you can consciously shift the energy of your relationship and your man’s mood is by saying “I appreciate you“. Let him know what he does that you’re thankful for. Trust me, your man wants and needs to hear, “I appreciate you”.
4. I FORGIVE YOU
The Mrs. and I saw a movie yesterday that had us both choked up. The story was about releasing yourself from anger, fear, and pain AND renewing yourself by submitting to the healing power of trust and love. Ladies, pay attention to this next line. I GUARANTEE YOU HAVE F***ED UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Are you able to admit this? With this understanding I challenge you to show compassion for your man and say “I Forgive You“.
In the words of Floetry, “All You Gotta Do Is Say Yes”. Yes, Yes, Yes!!! How many times has your man asked you to do something he enjoys and you’ve said NO? Whether it be watch a game, go to a club, attend a seminar, or have sex, your man shouldn’t feel like you got “NO!” on auto-reply. Give him more of what he wants, even if more of what he wants is outside of your comfort zone. Ladies it will mean a lot to him…SAY YES.
6. YOU ARE RIGHT
You’ve heard the saying, “Opinions are like a$$holes, we all have them”. Well everybody wants to have their opinions affirmed. The next time you and your man are having a discussion, please remember to say, “you are right”. It’s o.k. to divorce yourself from your ego and occasionally concede. It’s also o.k. to give credit where credit is due. You play a significant part in enhancing your man’s esteem. Do your part and say “You are right.”
7. I’M SORRY
The general perception is that women do this “relationship thing” better than men. I will not confirm or deny this statement. However what I will unreservedly state is that in all the couples we’ve worked with ….women and have made mistakes. Yes you may feel like your man’s actions were more egregious, but somewhere and somehow in your relationship you’ve messed up. B intentional about saying “I’m sorry“. It will let him know you’re not solely committed to “being right” or being “holier than thou”.
8. I NEED YOU
Ladies, this is what your man wants to hear:
“I could be congresswoman
Or a garbage woman or
Police officer, or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a good girl
God what you’ve done to me
Kind of lover I could be
I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist
Or I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss
And even though I can do all these things
I need you” – Jill Scott
9. YOU MAKE ME FEEL SAFE
Although the blueprint for manhood is somewhat elusive, there are some basic things that we KNOW we need to do as men. One of those is to protect our family. When you let your man know that he makes you feel safe, he instantaneously feels inspired to do more and do better. Let him know you feel secure when you’re in his arms. Let him know you feel protected. Let him know he makes you feel safe.
10. I GOT YOUR BACK
Stand in your man’s corner and cheer him on. Stand in your man’s corner and challenge him. Stand in your man’s corner and support him. Stand in your man’s corner and defend him. Stand in your man’s corner and promote him. Stand in your man’s corner and comfort him. Stand in your man’s corner and salute him. Your man NEEDS to hear you say…”I got your back“.
If you enjoyed reading this piece I know you’ll enjoy the insight, inspiration, and exercises in our SPEAK LOVE RIGHT PACKAGE. If you do what we say….your connection and communication will be on FIYAHHH. CLICK HERE to INSTANTLY get your copy and to learn how to improve the quality of your relationship TODAY!!!
Ayize Ma’at is Co-founder and President of B Intentional, LLC, the Relationship Education company that owns and operates Blackloveandmarriage.com, the premiere cutting edge Marriage and Family web publication with the largest collection of love and marriage advice videos for African Americans. He is a Marriage & Relationship Educator certified in various Singles and Marriage Education curriculums and has a passion for inspiring others to grow and gain a deeper understanding of love. He is a devoted husband and the proud father of 4 amazing children.