10 Things You Can Say To Make Your Man Feel Good About Being “Your Man”.

By Ayize Ma’at

One of the things that jumps out at me in our relationship counseling sessions is that many women in relationships are missing the mark when it comes to effective communication.  Yup, I said it….many women are poor communicators and consequently have subpar relationships.  This may be confusing and somewhat socially contradictory because women have been deemed “great communicators”, “expressive”, “chatterboxes”, “in tune and outspoken”.  But please understand this, JUST BECAUSE YOU TALK MORE IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE A BETTER COMMUNICATOR”.  The words you speak only represent a fraction (7%) of what it means to communicate.  Body language, facial expressions, tone, and tempo weigh more heavily on whether the message you’re trying to communicate is actually being received and understood.  Ladies, for the sake of this post I’m only gonna focus on what you say.  For now take note of these 10 Things You Can Say TODAY To Put A Smile On Your Man’s Face…(or in his heart).

1.  I LOVE YOU

When was the last time you told your man “I Love You”?  I’m not talking about saying it in passing, before you hang up the phone, or before you walk out the door.  I’m talking about saying “I Love You” in a moment of stillness.  A man wants to feel that his woman’s love is deliberate and intentional.  Please press pause on your day and tell your special someone,  “I Love You“.

2.  IT’S O.K. IF…..

Ladies fill in the blank with (hang out with the fellas, go to a movie, go have a drink, take a nap, do nothing).  This is all about the psychological relief your man feels when you grant him guilt free space.  You see a responsible man is constantly thinking about his family and reoccurring obligations.  Give him permission to RELAX by saying “It’s o.k. if…..”

3.  I APPRECIATE YOU

It’s easy to take your spouse for granted.  It’s also easy to refuse to tell your spouse you appreciate them when you feel your relationship is a constant drama.  While you may be going through rough times all the damn time one way you can consciously shift the energy of your relationship and your man’s mood is by saying “I appreciate you“.  Let him know what he does that you’re thankful for.  Trust me, your man wants and needs to hear, “I appreciate you”.

4.  I FORGIVE YOU

The Mrs. and I saw a movie yesterday that had us both choked up.  The story was about releasing yourself from anger, fear, and pain AND renewing yourself by submitting to the healing power of trust and love.  Ladies, pay attention to this next line.  I GUARANTEE YOU HAVE F***ED UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  Are you able to admit this?  With this understanding I challenge you to show compassion for your man and say “I Forgive You“.

5.  YES

In the words of Floetry, “All You Gotta Do Is Say Yes”.  Yes, Yes, Yes!!!  How many times has your man asked you to do something he enjoys and you’ve said NO?  Whether it be watch a game, go to a club, attend a seminar, or have sex, your man shouldn’t feel like you got “NO!” on auto-reply.  Give him more of what he wants, even if more of what he wants is outside of your comfort zone.  Ladies it will mean a lot to him…SAY YES.

6.  YOU ARE RIGHT

You’ve heard the saying, “Opinions are like a$$holes, we all have them”.  Well everybody wants to have their opinions affirmed.  The next time you and your man are having a discussion, please remember to say, “you are right”.  It’s o.k. to divorce yourself from your ego and occasionally concede.  It’s also o.k. to give credit where credit is due.  You play a significant part in enhancing your man’s esteem.  Do your part and say “You are right.”

7.   I’M SORRY

The general perception is that women do this “relationship thing” better than men.  I will not confirm or deny this statement.  However what I will unreservedly state is that in all the couples we’ve worked with ….women and have made mistakes.  Yes you may feel like your man’s actions were more egregious, but somewhere and somehow in your relationship you’ve messed up.  B intentional about saying “I’m sorry“. It will let him know you’re not solely committed to “being right” or being “holier than thou”.

8.   I NEED YOU

Ladies, this is what your man wants to hear:

“I could be congresswoman
Or a garbage woman or
Police officer, or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a good girl
God what you’ve done to me
Kind of lover I could be
I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist
Or I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss
And even though I can do all these things
I need you” – Jill Scott

9.   YOU MAKE ME FEEL SAFE

Although the blueprint for manhood is somewhat elusive, there are some basic things that we KNOW we need to do as men.  One of those is to protect our family.  When you let your man know that he makes you feel safe, he instantaneously feels inspired to do more and do better.  Let him know you feel secure when you’re in his arms.  Let him know you feel protected.  Let him know he makes you feel safe.

10. I GOT YOUR BACK

Stand in your man’s corner and cheer him on.  Stand in your man’s corner and challenge him.  Stand in your man’s corner and support him.  Stand in your man’s corner and defend him.  Stand in your man’s corner and promote him.  Stand in your man’s corner and comfort him.  Stand in your man’s corner and salute him.  Your man NEEDS to hear you say…”I got your back“.

If you enjoyed reading this piece I know you’ll enjoy the insight, inspiration, and exercises in our SPEAK LOVE RIGHT PACKAGE.  If you do what we say….your connection and communication will be on FIYAHHH.  CLICK HERE  to INSTANTLY get your copy and to learn how to improve the quality of your relationship TODAY!!!

Ayize Ma’at is Co-founder and President of B Intentional, LLC, the Relationship Education company that owns and operates Blackloveandmarriage.com, the premiere cutting edge Marriage and Family web publication with the largest collection of love and marriage advice videos for African Americans. He is a Marriage & Relationship Educator certified in various Singles and Marriage Education curriculums and has a passion for inspiring others to grow and gain a deeper understanding of love. He is a devoted husband and the proud father of 4 amazing children.

A Love Letter To The Black Man…

By Lela

Dear Black Men,

I have never really been the type to write love letters because I was always told “when a word is spoken, you can feel the emotions in it” but today I woke up feeling very inspired, and what was the cause of this inspiration you ask? Black men; and by Black men I mean the descendants of the Nubians, Akans, Asantis,Igbos, Yorubas etc I mean Black men as in the descendants of those who navigated the planet thousands of years ago, I mean Black men who are the descendants of Hannibal, King Taharqa, King Ramses I, Imotep, Shaka Zulu etc, I mean Black men as in the ones who brought up heroes like Marcus Garvey and Patrice Lumumba, I mean Black men like the ones with the wisdom of Malcolm and the Genius of Huey P. Newton, I mean Black men like the descendants of the Africans who survived the middle passage and life on the plantations, I mean Black men like the millions of nameless and faceless heroes who fought for the freedom we enjoy today, I mean Black men like the ones who continue to struggle in this cruel world These are the Black men who inspired me this morning.

I didn’t really have a draft in mind so I am just writing this from my heart.

When I look around at the state many of my brothers are in- it upsets me not because I am angry at them but I am angry they have internalised the state they have been reduced to. When you know someone is better than something you would always encourage them to do better. I admit to being misguided with my methods at times, but the frustration I feel when a brother has no will to be the man he is destined to be is immense. It breaks my heart when I see some brothers degrade their ancestors for a slice of the devils pie, it breaks my heart that even some sisters feel the need to “give up” on their men, It breaks my heart when a Black man can look his mother in the eye and say he has “given up” on Black women. The very idea that we no longer see each other with respect and feel the need to downgrade each other in front of the world is saddening. I am happy for a brother if he finds love with any woman and can raise children who will be productive to not only society but will also have some pride in their father’s identity. After all, we have had revolutionary trailblazers who fought imperialism from all backgrounds – It’s about what’s in their heart. But today a deep rooted sense of misguided anger is used in the way we see each other – The black man and woman’s dialogue contains shaming language and anger fuelled by society. I haven’t always had the best relationships with Black men but I won’t give up on them because they are all I have – we should be able to scream, shout, yell, fight, argue but also be able to come together in times of struggle. I’m not going to make this letter negative so I am going to switch up the energy and talk about the things that have made me fall in love with Black men.

 1)Their smile –

When a Black man smiles at me, I feel warmth. I feel as if the melanin in his skin sends down a ray from the sun that blesses my skin. I feel as if God himself has taken me into his arms and given me comfort –this isn’t to say other men cannot be as amazing but the smile of a Black man is one of the best memories I have. My father never really smiled but when he did, it was so contagious that it would instantly make me smile. The smile a Black man has can warm your heart instantly and lovingly. It’s daring yet dangerous, cunning yet kind and beautiful yet bold.

 2)Their Confidence –

Whether it’s a brother in a suit or a brother in sportswear; nobody can deny an incredible amount of confidence is exuded by Black men. This confidence is what took Muhammad Ali to the top of his game, not only was he a heavyweight champion but he was a spokesman for his community. Confidence on a brother is like a scent – it lingers long after he is gone; this is why we still quote Malcolm, Lumumba, Garvey etc when a Black man is confident in himself and in his community -society attacks his image. I love a Black man’s confidence because it lets me know that whatever happens I can rely on my strong brothers to be by my side; I can lift him up and he can go forth into the world and carry on to inspire future generations to come.

 3)Their variety –

Black men range from Midnight Black to Chocolate to Caramel to sun kissed golden brown and all other shades in between. They are found in nearly every continent on the planet and have influenced every society. Whether it’s the African-Caribbean brothers with their Island rhythm or the African American brothers with their amazing accomplishments or our brothers in the motherland with their amazing strength or our spicy brothers in Latin America etc One thing you cannot deny is Black men come like a premium diamond – cut from pure finery. I have met so many Black men and I get so inspired and have the thirst to learn about their various cultures; that variety is a lot for a sister to keep up with lol but it’s worth it.

4) Their strength –

A Black man to me is the pillar of strength – no matter what biological or physical attack he has been faced with; he will always persevere. The strength of the Black man can be seen in some of the world largest economies that were built from his suffering, sweat, blood and tears. The amount of slave revolts and revolutionary activities Black men have carried on their backs over the past few centuries show that Black men are not willing to go down without a fight. The Black man’s strength led him to free Haiti from its French slave masters and it led the maroons to go against the British with no weapons. The strength of Black men has guided many of them to the path of what’s right, even when they had little to no support from others. The Black man’s strength is society’s greatest fear – this is why he is put down daily to remove the strength given to him by God. This strength is what I look for in a man; a man who I can one day be with who will protect me and together we can go forth into the world and spread the message of freedom. This is the strength so great that once showed makes a Black man a target; a Black man who exudes strength must be removed from the earth because this strength can change the power dynamic and the shape of our world – Patrice Lumumba, Malcolm X, Fred Hampton etc strong Black men who were permanently removed from the planet for showing strength and courage in the face of adversity. This is the strength I admire, keep it up my brother – wake up in the morning and go forth and do your thing.

5) The final thing I love about Black men is their love –

A black man’s love comes in all forms; father to child, Husband to wife, Partner to partner or leader to community. When you have experienced a Black man’s love; you could never hate him. The way he gets up every morning with the world on his shoulders but still manages to do what he can for those around him – when a Black man loves you, your world becomes clearer – you smile brighter, you dance better, you feel amazing and you do what you can to keep him. This love is pure; untainted and sanctioned by God himself. I was raised by a Black man’s love – the way my father would look at my mother and she would smile; it made me feel so happy. When my father would look me in the eye and call me his princess – I hope to one day have a husband who would love my daughter the same way my father loved me. A Black man’s love comes with protection against any worries. It’s the greatest feeling to be loved by a Black man – this is why all of our greatest sheroes were able to carry on the struggle even when their Black men were gone; because even in death, the Black man’s love will always give you the strength and confidence to carry on fighting…

Things That Your Husband Needs But Won’t Tell You

There Are Things That Your Husband Needs But Won’t Always Tell You…
What things you ask? Well……
 
Men want their wives to say “I love you”. Start the New Year off right and commit to telling him more often.
 
Men want their space especially after an argument. Don’t take it personally. Just honor that about your hubby and he’ll give you more of what you need to.
 
Men want their wives to initiate sex. This isn’t a big aha for most women. But, wives this is serious for most men. So…..just handle your business tonight and initiate.
 
Men want to be heard. Women usually have about 10-20 words for every 5-10 words a brother has and while there’s nothing wrong with that in and of itself—you have to make sure you give pause to your words sometimes and make room for his.
 
Men want to be praised, appreciated and validated. Tell him he’s the man. Let him know you appreciate the small things. Does he need a cookie for simply taking out the trash? No. But, the same way you like for him to tell you your cooking is good—he wants to hear the same thing from time to time too!
 
Men want to be touched. They crave affection just like women do. Sometimes we forget that. But we must remember that the power of human touch is enormous and healing. Lay hands and heal him. 😉
 
Men want to be respected. This one should’ve probably been at the top of the list. If there is nothing else you take away from this “what men need” list let it be THIS. Men, especially black men need to feel respected and anything women can do to make sure husbands know that we admire and adore them is time well spent.
Give sistas……and you shall receive. I’m living proof. 😉
Aiyana Ma’at is the Co-founder of Blackloveandmarriage.com along with her husband Ayize. Wife. Mother. Sister. Daughter. Aunt. Healer. Therapist. Teacher. Speaker. Entrepreneur. Funny.  Real. Jokester. Down To Earth. Dynamic….These are all words that have been used to describe Aiyana. Aiyana is a Licensed  Psycho-therapist & Clinical Social Worker in the state of Maryland and the District of Columbia. She is also a certified Marriage & Relationship Educator specializing in couples & family work.She firmly believes that relationships are the vehicles we can all use  to grow and evolve.  When Aiyana is not obsessing about how to more effectively help others she can be found kicking back with a glass of wine, cracking jokes and eating crabs while hanging with the loves of her life—her hot husband, Ayize, and their 5 beautiful & brilliant children.

What Happens When Boys Learn That It’s O.K. To Love

By Ayize Ma’at

Recently I was invited to a high school in the Washington D.C. area to speak to a group of 11th grade boys about what is required to make relationships work.  To my surprise the majority of the group was engaged and appeared to be fixated on what I as the speaker represented.  As I spoke to them, I watched them look at me with curiosity, hope, and comfort as I invited them into a sacred space to explore vulnerability, commitment, fear, and courage in front of their peers.  These young men opened up and shared things they’d never considered sharing with their peers.  They willingly walked with me along a journey where they learned it’s o.k. to be afraid…it’s o.k. to take risk…..it’s o.k. to let your guards down and be vulnerable……IT’S O.K. TO LOVE.

When I finished speaking….several of the young men came up to me and said thank you.  One young man in particular said, “I knew true love was possible….that’s what I’m going to have”.

I asked them how they felt after opening up and taking a risk to enter into a space of transparency.

The overwhelming majority of them said…….”STRONGER”

To schedule a session with therapists’ Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at CLICK HERE.

Men…Are You “Mean Muggin” In Your Marriage?

By Richard Jungst & Louie Black

I speak not only for my self here, but for many men that I know, and have seen over the course of my life. A lot of men have an issue with controlling their anger. Unless you are a highly trained Buddhist monk, anger is going to pop up in your life from time to time. It is a normal and healthy human emotion.

There is nothing wrong with feeling anger. In fact, anger is a very useful signal from your sub-conscious. It tells you that there is something happening in your world that you feel is intolerable. The danger of anger is not in the emotion. The danger is in what you choose to do with the emotion.

There are several ways that a man can deal with anger.

One coping method is to try and ignore it. You leave the room, or otherwise distract yourself from what is happening, and try to push the anger back down inside. This is very difficult to do, and is not always wise. That anger is coming from inside of you to begin with. By trying to force it down, you are wrestling with your own sub-conscious mind. Anger turned inward can become festering resentment. It builds over time until you eventually explode and have a huge tantrum. That explosive tantrum could be far more destructive than all of the little ones that you were fighting so hard to avoid.

Another way to deal with anger is to direct outward. This is commonly known as venting, or blowing off steam.

Maybe you vent your anger verbally. You raise your voice to show that you are angry, or to lash out at the person who made you angry. Maybe you take it to the next level and scream profanities at them, or maybe even a level beyond that. You threaten, belittle, and call them nasty names to assert your dominance and force then to submit. Whether you realize it or not that is exactly what you’re doing when you engage in this behavior.

If your anger is allowed to become too out of control, it could escalate to a physical level. You punch the wall, or knock something over. You might even lash out at another person such as your wife or children.

Venting can feel good; however, it can also be very destructive. If the pattern of building anger and venting it at your family occurs often enough, it can seriously undermine the stability of your marriage.

An angry male can be very intimidating. Nature designed him to be that way. When a man is angry, his body pumps itself full of adrenaline. His voice becomes louder, he stands up taller, and his muscles coil so that they are ready to fight. This is because once upon a time, a man may have been called on to fight in defense of his family or his tribe. Anger helped him to prepare for that battle.

When it is your wife or children who is the target of your anger, then it is a completely different story. They hear your voice change. They see you flexing muscles and adopting a threatening stance, and they get scared.

Hopefully you have not allowed yourself to become physically angry with you wife and family. If you have, you need to get professional help. That is a line that should never be crossed.

Even if you have never laid a finger on your wife in anger, you can still hurt her deeply with your words. When it comes to your marriage, if this anger is not handled in the right way, it can eventually undermine everything that a healthy marriage is built on. To your wife, your anger is intimidating. A mans angry voice will always cut straight to a woman’s soul. You doubt that? Ask any woman.

You might think that venting anger is OK so long as it is not actually directed at your wife. Do not kid yourself with this. She will feel it the same if you are yelling at the kids, the dog, or even the guy on the highway that cut you off. It is all intimidating to her. She sees that you are not in control of yourself and she has no idea what you will do next.

Of course, we are not animals. Eventually we calm down and apologize. Let’s be honest here, who do you thing you were trying to make feel better, your wife, or yourself? Apologies do not mean squat, if they are not followed by change.

Let me repeat that. Apologies do not mean squat, if they are not followed by change. You will just become stuck in a pattern of blowing up, and apologizing, and blowing up, and apologizing again. If you really want to make your loved ones feel safer, change yourself. If you do not learn how to manage your own anger, then you will have only yourself to blame when your wife leaves you, your kids grow up to have no respect for you, and you find yourself alone with only the dog to yell at.

Do not wait for your wife to tell you that she is intimidated by your anger. I know many women that have managed to deal with their husbands rage for years without leaving them. They certainly did not wish for it to continue, but for a myriad of reasons they chose to try and cope for as long as they could. However, they were building resentment, fear, and anger of their own. Eventually it became too much and the marriage fell apart.

In my opinion, a man should be a leader and protector for his family. He must learn to do this without resorting to anger whenever things are not going his way. He needs to behave in a way that allows his family to feel safe and secure with him. He cannot accomplish this if he is the thing that his family fears most.

There are many ways that a man can learn to control his anger. He can learn to be calm, confident and in control without intimidation. He can learn to communicate his displeasure without yelling, and to convince others to follow his direction without threats.

This is the kind of man that women are powerfully attracted to. He does not get rattled. He does not lose control of himself or his emotions. He is always operating in a mode of personal strength, honor, dignity and respect for himself and others.

For the sake of your marriage, your wife, and all of your loved ones. Get some supportive help if you know deep down inside that you need to change. Learn to control your anger before you drive your loved ones away.

Visit www.savemysexlessmarriage.com to read more from Richard and Louie

A Plea To Black Women: Do Not Block Your Son From Seeing His Father

Dr. Rosie Milligan

Boys need fathers in their lives. I am making a plea to African-American fathers to be active participants in the lives of their sons; and for African-American women to assist these fathers in the transition of their reentering the lives of their sons.

Most every ill that plagues the Black male child is mostly related to fatherlessness. Having a father as a role model and teacher is critical for a male child. The male who understands this best is the male child whose father was present, and participated, in his life. Unfortunately, for many Black males, they have not had the experience of having a father role model. A male child who did not have his father present can not relate to the critical differences it makes, for he has no comparison to make. Therefore, it becomes easy for him, as an adult, to abandon his son; especially, when it becomes a challenge to be a part of his life.

In addition, I believe that we must revisit history as we examine the family structure of Blacks in America. An absentee father was the norm for the African-American family. Families were separated by force! Slavery severely impacted the lives of the Black family. Considering the fact that our physical exodus from slavery has only been 140 years, that’s not a long time, and we are still experiencing its effects.

Blacks were forced to produce offsprings, not for themselves, but for their master’s economic gain. Today, Blacks are not forced to produce babies; however, because of the residual effect of slavery on the Black family, their offsprings continue to be an economic product for the modern-day master called PRISON. Today, in 2005, Black males in prison are paid less for their labor than they were paid 140 years ago.

Black men were not socialized as other men, that is, to be accountable or responsible for his family. In order to understand why the Black man and Black woman are having such challenges in their relationships, you must understand how their experience and living conditions in America have impacted their lives and the lives of their family.

When a Black family needed assistance from Social Services programs, the father had to remove himself from the family in order for his wife and children to get assistance. Black men have a long way to go to get back to their African roots of being a provider and protector. Black men have come a long way, and they will get back to their God-Created-Nature, with the help of God, Almighty, and with the understanding of their past.

It is the responsibility of the father to help provide for his child. And providing entails more than financial provisions. I’m pleading with women, to not prevent the father from being a part of his son’s life because of the father’s inability to support financially. A male child needs his father in his life, and the woman only hurts her son(s) when she tries to prevent them from having a father-son relationship. The many ills of Black men are inevitably traced to their Fatherlessness.

Most Black men really want to be with their families and children. What they need is someone to be a father-like figure for them. A Black man needs guidance. Most of them are trying to be something or somebody that they have never seen or experienced, and must be taught that. The womans ideal of what a man is supposed to be is distorted because she too has not experience a father in her life.

You see, a father is a role model for his son and a father gives definition to his daughter as to what a man is. A mother is a role model for her daughter and she gives definition to her son as to what a woman is. 70% of Black households are headed and ran by a female with the father most times being totally out of the picture. The sons and daughters are both confused about male/female responsibility.

Many men are not allowed to have relationships with their children. If these men are allowed to participate in their childrens lives, it must be on the woman’s terms only. When it becomes unbearable, he leaves the woman and the child behind. The real victim is the child.

There are some things that a man needs to teach his son, such as: how to bathe and clean his genital area, how to shop for clothing, how to choose his friends, how to respect himself, how to drive an automobile, how to resolve conflicts, how to fight, how to avoid a fight, how to play sports. I am not casting blame on the Black woman. I am only pointing out the facts that are hindering the progress of the Black family. I believe that if we could get a perspective of the Black man, as related to who he was before coming to America and what America has made him become, then we would have a better understanding of our family dynamics and we can embrace each other and begin to value ourselves and our children again.

*Editorial Note* While the above piece cites data from 2005, the essence of the message still remains an unfortunate truth.

Dr. Rosie Milligan, Counselor/Author: Author of Negroes, Colored People, Black, African-Americans in America, Satisfying The Black Man Sexually, Satisfying The Black Woman Sexually and Why Black Men Choose White Women.
For more information from Dr. Rosie you can visit: http://www.Drrosie.com/

The Man Period IS NOT Pragmatic

You can try and figure it out if you want to…..but beware….the man period IS NOT pragmatic.  LOL.  It just happens yall….oftentimes for unrelated, insignificant, and irrelevant reasons.  Yes, we as men spazzz out and get into a funk sometimes that pollutes our whole environment.  The wife can see it and feel it.  The children can see and feel it.  It’s no secret.  It’s not logical. It is what it is.  Please don’t take offense….the man period IS NOT pragmatic.  Listen in and hear how my wife deals with me when I get into this stank space.

For Couples/Individual Coaching or Counseling

with Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at

CLICK HERE.

Thoughts For Black Marriage Day: Let’s Get Married…The Sacred African Way!!!

By Minister Mxolisi Ozo-Sowande / (aka Bro. Mxolisi T. Sowell)

As we journey through the month of March, and over 300 organizations around the nation (USA) observe/celebrate Black Marriage Day, some words from Dr. Llaila Afrika (in African Holistic Health, pg. 351) resonate within my soul:

“The female/male relationship is microcosmic of the culture . . . (it) transmits and translates culture . . . (it) is the smallest functional unit of the culture . . . The Black wholistic female/male relationship is for the upliftment of the culture,” with a major function of this relationship being the rearing of children who have what it takes to “advance the culture.”

Dr. Afrika goes on to assert that the positive result of such a dynamic is that “the culture (i.e., village) serves the relationship and the relationship serves the culture. It takes a village to have a marriage . . . it takes African-centeredness to have a holistic African cultural marriage.”

Another voice vibrating within is that of Dr. Molefi Asante (cited in the book, Friends, Lovers and Soul Mates by Drs. Derek and Darlene Hopson, pg. 49): his belief that to be whole, Black people must place African values, culture, and history at the center of their very beings. Asante says, “We have a formidable history, replete with the voice of God, the ancestors, and the prophets. Our manner of dress, behavior, walk, talk, and values are intact and workable when we are Afrocentric.”

Adding to the strength and convictions of those voices is the voice of Dr. Marimba Ani, speaking before the 2011 annual convention of the Association of Black Psychologists, where the following was among her comments: “Culture is the immune system of a race . . . the armor that protects a people against genocide . . . African culture is the unique expression of the African soul. It cultivates, nurtures and cares for the African soul as nothing else can. It makes us part of the global African family. It imparts to us the power of our ancestors. It has got to be the foundation of any educational system that we have . . . We need to rebuild our cultural system!”

If we follow the wisdom and admonition coming to us from ancient Kemet – and other traditions as well, calling on us to open the books that contain the enduring words and practices of our Ancestors, to read and heed the preserved ingredients of our cultural system(s), we would likely understand and agree with Dr. Afrika’s profound expressions: “In an African centered relationship, each person was viewed as a sacred presence of God . . . An individual served God by serving their mate . . . Relationships between Black women and men founded on correctness, justice, harmony, balance, reciprocity, truth, propriety and order (Maat) are African centered . . . (are unions) of God . . . the balance of the spirit, mind and body . . . (are) given to African peoples as another way to serve God.”

We do, indeed, need to rebuild, restore, and renew ourselves according to that cultural system!

The Five Major Initiation Rites of our traditional African way of life provide an excellent foundation for the beginning of this restoration process. These are rites that evolved as our ancestors responded to their collective perceptions of Creator, Ancestors and Prophets speaking to their hearts and souls. They include the rites of Birth, Adulthood, Marriage, Eldership, and Ancestor-ship.

(See Prof. Manu Ampim’s essay on these rites at this link:http://www.manuampim.com/AfricanInitiationRites )

These rites, which continue to be nearly universal in one form or another throughout traditional African life, provide foundation for a way of life that includes this pertinent point of view: That a person is not truly an adult until they have married and had children!

Additionally, this way of life holds that a new life (an infant) is not a complete being until she or he has been thoroughly initiated into the values and principles of the family-community-nation; and that the family-community-nation has an abiding responsibility to provide the necessary environment, training and inspiration to assist each individual in discovering and fulfilling their life mission and unique contribution.

(View my reflections on these Initiation Rites at this link:http://hcvoice.wordpress.com/2011/05/09/reflections-on-the-initiation-rites-of-our-african-way-of-life/)

In simple terms, our African cultural way of life places high priority on preparing and developing men and women who know one another to be a sacred presence of God, who hold marriage in high esteem (who are, indeed, ready for their Black/African Marriage Day), and are eager — along with Ancestors, Elders and others, and every institution of the culture — to fulfill their roles to carry forward and “advance the culture” in and through succeeding generations. Our African cultural way of life absolutely needs Adults of this spirit and character as marriage partners and parents, and in other roles that might be required for the perpetuation of that sacred, inspirational, family-community-nation environment.

The overriding priority of that sacred environment is to inform and inspire each individual relative to his or her potential to manifest Godliness (Maat) not only in marriage but in every circumstance of life. No doubt, something easier said than done.

In ancient Kemet, Maat was understood as the intelligent, creative energy-spirit-power emerging from what can be viewed as a radical, transformative development at the core of the Creator’s being, giving rise to all existence and to the obligation for humans to be diligent in pro-active moral behavior in all things. In The Husia, our ancestors’ perceptions of the Creator’s thoughts/words in that radical, creation moment are expressed thusly: “I formed it from the desire in my heart; I laid the foundation through Maat.” Other translations reflect The Most High saying S/He worked “magic” on Her/His own heart in order to facilitate the birth of Maat and the emergence of creation. Thus, it was understood that the Godly pro-active morality that the humankind is to pursue and practice requires a radical, transformative development at the core of our individual and collective existence, giving birth to an undying desire in our hearts for Maat to be the distinguishing character and driving force in all that we do.

As above, so below. As with Ancestors throughout the spectrum of our traditional African way of life, let it be with you and me.

Marimba Ani has argued that our African culture is “amazingly resilient,” continuing to survive in spite of the most culturally destructive force (u.s./western culture) in history. Perhaps that explains why there are as many successful Black marriages as there are, given the severely anti-African forces – social, educational, economic, political, as well as individualistic concepts of manhood, womanhood, marriage and family – that work against our well-being at all times. She goes on to assert that our solutions will come not only from denying the “European world-view” as a basis for human organization but that there must be a spiritual component in our organizing efforts and in any view of the future that is projected as our goal.

“Our Africanness has existed within us primarily on an unconscious level,” Dr. Ani posits. “But the forces of evil are strong. European colonialism is powerful and the unconscious survival of the African heritage is not enough to subdue it. This survival must be moved to the level of conscious awareness, so that it can be used for political analysis, motivation and commitment. . . . The African world-view revitalized, can again be a life-giving force. It promises ‘eternal life’ to its descendants.” (Let the Circle be Unbroken: Implications of African Spirituality in the Diaspora, pgs. 50-53)

There are numerous resources to inform and inspire us for the revitalization of our African cultural way, for marriage and all circumstances of life, including:
Selections from The Husia: Sacred Wisdom of Ancient Egyptcompiled by Dr. Maulana Karenga – (containing a significant number of admonitions and insights relative to marriage and family, as well as a host of Teachings for character development in general, including The Declarations of Innocence/Negative Confessions)
Friends, Lovers and Soul Mates: A Guide to Better Relationships Between Black Men and Womenby Derek S. Hopson, Ph. D., and Darlene Powell Hopson, Ph.D. – (featuring a vast spectrum of issues to be considered and discussed in the process of “self-knowledge” and fruitful relationships)
The Ten Virtues of the Egyptian Mystery System – (Control of your thoughts * Control of your actions * Devotion to purpose * Faith in the ability of The Master to teach you the truth * Faith in your ability to assimilate the truth * Faith in your ability to wield the truth * Freedom from resentment under the experience of persecution * Freedom from resentment under the experience of wrong * Cultivate the ability to distinguish between right and wrong [that which is loved from that which is hated] * Cultivate the ability to distinguish between the real and the unreal [have a sacred sense of values])
Kwanzaa & the Nguzo Saba: Something Sacred for & from the Souls of Black Folksby Minister Mxolisi Ozo-Sowande – (for a deeper-than-superficial presentation of the Principles, Symbols and Precepts of this tradition and their potential for serving as a blueprint for the restoration of the souls of Black folks)

Let it be that we open these and other books, with our hearts and souls wide open, to allow a plentiful harvest of radical, transformative moments to occur in great abundance throughout the Global African Family. Let Black Marriage Day, the sacred African way, be the exhilarating, unending norm once again, forevermore!

Ankh, Udja, Seneb!!!

I Love You Baby….A Special Shout Out To My Wife

I firmly believe that if more men did MORE of this…..there would be FEWER divorces, FEWER teen pregnancies, and FEWER young black men being incarcerated BECAUSE there would be more whole and healthy family’s.  Many of the problems our youth face can be traced back to a broken home…..GET YOUR HOUSE IN ORDER MEN.  Tell and show your woman that you love her.

What’s up y’all we are Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at….a married couple that has been together since high school. Yup…high school sweet hearts. We have Fo’… not four… but Fo’ incredible children…who keep us on our toes all the time : ) We are relationship therapists, coaches, and experts that have been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network, Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers, TV One, and other media outlets. We are helpers…we are healers….and we are here to serve you.

If you or someone you know would like to have INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES coaching from us please CLICK HERE

To learn how you can work with us, have a business around whatever your passion is, and EARN MONEY ONLINE…. CLICK HERE

Hang Out With Ayize & Aiyana & Learn How To Turn Up The Love & Sex In Your Relationship! JAN. 12TH @ 9PM.

By Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at

Hey Fam! We are soooo excited and pleased to announce our new Relationship Renovation series that will be kicking off in January 2014!

As we sat and talked and evaluated how 2013 has been for us and what our goals for 2014 should be we kept coming back to the idea that we want to connect more, help more, and do more. Yes, that’s what we said—In 2014 we want to:

CONNECT MORE…..to you

HELP MORE……for you and

DO MORE……with you  🙂

We said “How can we be the most helpful and make the most impact?” We asked you on Facebook and Twitter and via our other social media platforms and YOU ANSWERED. You said you wanted to talk with us more about very important topics that so many of you are dealing with in your relationships. We received such great feedback and so many different topics that we decided to begin a Bi-Weekly Relationship Renovation Series. 

  •  This is where we will discuss important, juicy, fun, and fundamental issues that are relevant to relationships of all kinds.
  •  This is where you will have the opportunity to participate!  How? You can be “on” with us to share your story or ask a question as it relates to the theme of the Hangout. You can also share by asking questions when we have our “Ask Us Anything”Hangouts. And, of course you can chat with us during the Hangout as well.
  •  This is where you can come every 2 weeks to “go to school” and get insight and answers on all things relationships!

So, save the date for AYIZE & AIYANA’S  FIRST RELATIONSHIP RENOVATION HANGOUT WHERE WE WILL TALK ABOUT HOW TO TURN UP THE LOVE & SEX  IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP!

WHEN: THURSDAY, JAN 12, 2014

WHAT TIME: 9PM

WHERE: https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/115322807699470470126/events/cpei4jicmq9at68295i830fcil8

For our first Hangout–We’re looking for singles or couples that would like to be featured on the Hangout. You should be willing to either share your story around sex and intimacy and/or ask a question. No questions are off limits. Any issue you have when it comes to sex and intimacy in your relationship(s)–past or present—BRING IT. We want to hear it!

Interested? Send an email with your issue or question to askus@bintentional.com or by clicking here: http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/ask-the-maats/
***ATTENTION*** YOU MUST PUT THE WORDS GOOGLE HANGOUT SOME WHERE IN THE SUBJECT LINE OR IN THE BODY OF THE EMAIL PLEASE!!! REMEMBER, WE DO ADVICE VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE AND IF YOU DON’T LET US KNOW THAT YOU’RE RESPONDING TO THE GOOGLE HANGOUT CALL FOR PARTICIPANTS THEN YOUR EMAIL WILL GO TO THE BACK OF A VERY LONG WAITLIST OF FOLKS WAITING FOR US TO ANSWER THEIR VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE.

TO JOIN THE HANGOUT ENTER BELOW:

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