An Open Letter To All The Baby Mama’s

By Neysa Ellery Taylor

I mean, really, get over it. I know, I know… Easier said than done. But for real, get over it. Why? Because it’s no longer about you – it’s about your kids. Now before you get all bent out of shape, calling your girlfriends and organizing a picket line on my lawn, let me tell you – I was a baby mama at one time. I had my oldest daughter BEFORE I was married. And she wasn’t an infant when I tied the knot. She was old enough to be in several wedding pictures walking around and had a matching outfit. And I was preggers with my 2nd when I got married. So I have some “baby mama street cred.”

And let me tell you, I wasn’t always so smart. I remember cussing out my baby daddy (now hubs) on many an occasion. I remember being so hurt that I didn’t want to see him at all – even if it was a moment when he was coming to pick up his daughter. I was ANGRY, hurt, and emotional. Just ask my friends or my sister-in-law. She had to talk me down many a night when I tearfully wondered, “What the hell happened?” But after many nights of “woe is me-ness,” I had to realize that even if my child’s father no longer wanted me, I should be happy that he wanted to spend time with his child. That is when it shifted. It wasn’t about me anymore.

Was he perfect? Umm, no. Far from it. He made tons of mistakes and so did I. Hell, he still isn’t perfect and neither am I. But the one thing we’ve always had in common is that we put our kids first. Always.

So enough of the autobiography, this is my letter to you: Get over it. Being a baby mama/single parent/single mother/fatherless family is hard work. It is tiring work. And often times, it’s thankless work. From the emotional hardships to the fiscal ones, being a single parent is hard. So why make it harder?

Yes, there are deadbeat dads in the world. Yes, there are fathers who conceive babies and then seemingly fall off the face of the earth. But this post isn’t about that. This post is about dads who want to be involved. Single mom, get over it. I understand. I know, “you loved this man and now he’s gone.” Or “What about the promises that he made to me?” Or “but it hurts to even look at him.” I get it. I’ve been there. But the Word says in 1 Corinthians 13:11 “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” It’s time to grow up. It’s not about you any more. It’s about your child.

I mean think about it logically:

1. Aren’t children better off knowing the love of two parents?

2. Doesn’t your child deserve the best foundation you can possibly give them?

Most moms that I know would answer “yes” to both of those questions. So why are you trying to be a wedge between your child and their father. Let me tell you what it is: Selfishness and Pride. Your pride hurts because you have been left behind. And that is giving root to your selfishness. Believe me, that’s not a good combination.

So stop, take a moment and do an assessment of your former lover/child’s father:

1. Is he a decent person?

2. Does he use drugs?

3. Is he trying to spend time with his kids?

4. If he has other kids, how does he treat them?

5. Would any harm befall your child if he spends time with them?

If all of the answers to the previous questions are positives, then let that man see his kids. It’s really that simple.

So if you need a few action steps, here you go:

1. Get some spiritual counseling to help you deal with your feelings of loss over the relationship. Really, go talk to someone. Spend time with God, not praying for your boo to return, but praying that from this moment forward – you can be the parent/person that He wants you to be.

2. Call the father of your child and ask him to meet you at Starbucks so that you can talk about how to be great parents. If your state has it, take a sample parenting plan with you and just work through the sections. Be open and receptive to the father wanting to spend time with the child. Work to achieve a 50/50 balance with the father.

3. If the father has moved on, ask to later meet her. Make sure she is of good character. If you see an issue (drugs, bad parenting skills), bring it to your ex’s attention without malice. If there is no issue, then praise GOD that your child is around good people. ***Note: you don’t have to like his new boo, but you do have to respect her.

4. Move on. Think about it. Your child is now spending more time with their father. You have something that tons of single parents would love to have – MORE TIME! Take advantage of it. Do some soul searching? Concentrate on yourself. Learn to love again.

Remember: this is about your child. Real mothers, loving mothers, go through the steps because they want their children to have every advantage possible. And you will be rewarded. You are rewarded when you see that report card, when your baby graduates without having had a baby of their own, when your child gets baptized, or when a random adult says “your baby has such good manners.” Those are the times when it is all worth it. Those are the times when you get your pat on the back. And that’s the moment when you know that you have indeed moved out of the way, so that your child can flourish.

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at

20 replies
  1. Livingunbitter
    Livingunbitter says:

    I think all of u BM's need to take a grow-the-hell-up pill. I watched my mom and dad coparent me and my siblings all of my life and tho living apart from him was not always pleasant, we saw our father everyday. Bottom line, stop being ridiculous!

    My current man has an angry BM and she's only angry cause she tried to get him back and he chose to stay with me. I have 4 children of my own and their dad can see them whenever. I guess that comes from my parents' example. U r only hurting ur child with the stupid antics. I personally don't want my baby daddy back even tho he still says he loves me. The focus now for me r my kids. Damn him and damn me too….. As long as they r happy and stable.

  2. kay
    kay says:

    How can I get the baby mamas to stop caling my husband? My husband has three baby mamas, two who like to call him.

  3. miraclebabysmama
    miraclebabysmama says:

    THANK YOU! I am currently dealing with a bitter baby mama, and I've run out of patience. I am marrying the father of her child in 2 days, and even though she hasn't been with him in six years she won't let go. She posts bitter ex crap all over the internet. She rants and raves about me, and it is unjustified. I am good to her daughter. She doesn't have a job, and I bought all of my step daughter's school supplies and school clothes (ME, not her daddy, I did it). I pay for her medicine when she needs it. I love her and I care for her, and whenever her mother asks me for something within reason then I oblige. I'm certainly not obligated to do those things, but I do them because it is about this little girl and it shouldn't be about anything else. I've known my fiance for 15 years, and I know him really well (and I've known him longer than she has). We didn't date until 2 years ago. Now she has it in her head we were messing around when he was with her. That's just nuts. I was married when he was with her, and I am a lot of things but a cheater isn't one of them. I don't know how to deal with her anymore. She says ugly things about both of us to my step daughter, and you should never drag children into your bitter issues. I think I'm going to get my man to send her this blog post in a link. Maybe it will help her. Thanks for posting this.

    • Aiyana_Maat
      Aiyana_Maat says:

      Hey sis. I know dealing with foolishness can be soooo frustrating. Remember that it is your future mate\’s responsibility to set boundaries with his child\’s mother. It is your responsibility to clearly communicate how you are feeling and support him as he does what is necessary to maintain sanity in your household. You all can most certainly prevail!

  4. Sojourner Thomas
    Sojourner Thomas says:

    Great article!

  5. Jasmine B
    Jasmine B says:

    Nothing here for me my sons father is absent in every sense of the
    word you cant co-parent alone.

  6. Radiah
    Radiah says:

    I have been on both sides of this coin. At one point, I was the “bitter” baby-mother. At the time, I did not think of myself as that. Now, I am married to a man who has a child from a previous relationship. And watching the drama between he and his “baby-mother”, I see my former-self in a lot of her madness. To the point where I even called my oldest child’s father and apologized to him for the madness I must have put him through. I started to make this an extremely long and involved reply but decided against that because I do not want to sound preachy. I will just say that time and distance has the wonderful ability to provide new perspectives on current situations. For those of you who have responded negatively to this young lady’s approach and find yourselves still in the position of “baby-moma”, I do not pass judgment on you but I do suggest taking a long self-introspective look at yourselves. Realize that you do not have any control over how the father behaves – you only have control over yourself. And to the extent that you discover some of your own behavior contributes to any ongoing drama, I suggest trying (even if only for a limited time) to modify your own behavior and just see how dramatically your situation will change. Trust me, no one had drama like me. (Don’t we all think that? 🙂 ) But when I changed and stopped trying to control what was going on with my son’s father and how he interacted with my son – my life (and more importantly, my son’s life) became infinitely better.

  7. Briana @ 20&Engaged
    Briana @ 20&Engaged says:

    To those who disagree with the author, I say write your side and submit it to the Ma'ats. Like Evelyn for example, I'd like to know what are some of the other factors that prevent good coparenting. I'm just curious. Obviously there's no one side fits all. So I just want to know what else could possibly prevent a good coparent situation.
    My recent post Finance Friday: See No Evil

  8. SingleFather
    SingleFather says:

    Although a couple of you disagree with the author because of the end result of her relationship with her child's father, I think you miss the point of the article. This is part of her testament despite her marriage because she has been there and she learned from her mistakes. Let go of the bitterness. Evidently, some things became clear to her and she grew emotionally and spiritually and matured. If some of you would do the same, you might realize happiness and possibly figure out what she did. Every male is not fit for fatherhood, you may be doing yourself a favor by letting him go.

    • Angela
      Angela says:

      As far as "figuring out what she did," most of her posts reveal that even though her former "baby daddy" is now her husband, he has cheated on her while they have been married and had twins with another woman. As far as learning from mistakes, maybe she should look in the mirror and learn a lesson or two. Because if a cheating husband is the prize, then I opt out.

  9. Ann
    Ann says:

    It's really a shame when one woman thinks she knows everything- which seems to be the case with this writer. She references "good parenting" but previous entries tell her husband has kids with another woman and that the writer has made no attempt to foster a healthy relationship with the mother of her husband's children even though she "welcomes" the kids into her home. So, I do not buy the whole "it's all about the kids" spill from her. The more I read of her work, the more paradoxical it becomes.

  10. Lala Lavender
    Lala Lavender says:

    i love it every single parent should use this as their new bible

  11. Delisha Isabell Love
    Delisha Isabell Love says:

    Love, love, love it!!! I don't get bitter women no matter the reason. I thought it was about the children after all, and if you not bitter why are you mad???? Be careful of who you have Sex with because parenting is a life long gig, rather it be by yourself or with the other parent.

  12. DonetteSB
    DonetteSB says:

    This is a great article. I am a product of a broken home and I am very greatful to both of my parents, especially my mom who was the primary caregiver for not allowing bitterness and resentment come between the relationship my dad and I have. As a child I was never told anything negative about my father. I was always taught to love, respect him and honour him. As I grew older I realised why my mom left and admired her for staying in the relationship as long as she did. But what's important is that I wasn't burdened by either of my parents mistakes and was allowed to just be a child, loving both parents, not having to choose.

  13. Donna Frazier
    Donna Frazier says:


  14. Marry Me 4 Life
    Marry Me 4 Life says:

    Say it again!!!

  15. Evelyn Alvarez
    Evelyn Alvarez says:

    This is one of the most ridiculous pieces I have read in a minute. To the writer: you DON'T understand. You are married to him, therefore, you had an ongoing relationship with him, therefore, it was in your interest to interact as a couple, and not as two individuals attempting to co-parent. There is a difference. I have been accused of being that bitter baby mama, and you know what? It's not the case. What IS the case is single women (and I believe I can speak for other BM's as well) who simply want their lives back. Please don't cheapen our experience to "oh, she's hurt, mad cause he left", etc. In many instances, we're GOOD. In my case, I'm damned good! It is much more complicated than that, and it's unfortunate that this article does not shed light on the possibility that there are other factors that can cause a less than ideal co-parenting relationship.

    • j loving her 5 kids
      j loving her 5 kids says:

      Evelyn well said I like both comments but its way deeper then that. u have dads who only want to be around for th e mom or wants
      only wants to meet at the house in stead of star bu cks for sex an to be in your face but its to much to be said it is what it is grow up move on if u realize now what u need…..and lost be a father.regardless big to. th.e parents kids deserve us to be if nothing else works pray try thrid party visits and raise yours kids a lot of dead beat dads try to use this excuse for next relationship but there is always away courts hiring a detective for info or when no one else wants them now they want to be a father big ups to single parents period time is something u can’t get back it is everything because at the end of the day our kids love us regardless u will be looked at a atm nothing m ore

    • Stop It
      Stop It says:

      spoken like a true bitter baby mama.

  16. YoungerMom
    YoungerMom says:

    Yea all of that is definitely true, and something for all single moms to work toward… now have what some single mom's lost and want.. You're back with you baby's father.. So you say this in comfort.. =/ Your heart has what was missing.

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