Facing My Fears About Motherhood
By Lana Moline
One of the things that I fear the most about motherhood is that my kids will have some of the same feelings I’ve had about my mother over the years. She wasn’t as attentive as I wanted her to be at times. She wasn’t available because of work commitments and sometimes she just flat out couldn’t relate and for that I was angry for a long, long time. The old folk certainly knew what they were talking about when they said “you live long enough, you will learn” because I have. My oldest daughter is at an age where my crown doesn’t shine as bright to her and that’s the beginning of something huge. From this point on, she will see the world through her own eyes and not from the throne of mommy. That’s a little scary for me because I still very much desire to guide and show her everything. While the time has come for me to entertain the thought of loosening the reigns of adolescence, I must now define and understand for myself what that means exactly. For whatever reason, it was a little different with my son although I suspect my husband went through similar personal challenges in this regard. We’ve reached a point where she fits my clothes and quite honestly, many of them look better on her. She’s becoming a young woman before my eyes.
In my heart I think about down the line and I picture adult kids around the table with their spouses and kids but to actually watch as the transformation begins is surreal. Our conversations these days are evolving and the answers that worked in the past just won’t do. In fact, her questions have changed. She’s deep and while she continues to amaze me, I find that now the challenge is truly mine to rise to the occasion to meet her changing needs. This is probably the single most amazing journey – ushering in a relationship that I know will be lifelong. Everything is important to me. I don’t want to miss any of it although I know that I miss the mark sometimes. I was probably too hard on my mother because it is really impossible to be all things to all people. She is kind, compassionate, an excellent cook, a brilliant educator/teacher and an overall wonderful mother. I know that now and I sincerely hope that my girls and my son for that matter will say the same about me.
I’ve asked myself time and time again what legacy I want to leave. Yet the older I get, the more that changes for me. I desire so much for them to truly live and enjoy whatever path they choose in life. I believe in their success so I’m not so worried about specific career choices. I don’t want them to be afraid to try something unique and I very much want them to find the thing that they are passionate about and give their all. I want them to celebrate their wins each time and treat themselves to something frivolous just because. It is important that they like who they are and at the end of the day their decisions line up with their own personal truths. A relationship with God is a must yet I will never dictate the vehicle they choose because it is their choice to make. I guess all in all I want them to smile, hold their heads high, pick themselves up when they fall, push themselves to reach success and enjoy every minute of it. I don’t want to paint the picture for them. I suppose my picture of legacy is just a sketch of a solid foundation. Prayerfully, my contribution is that ray of light that says “you can do anything.”
Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.
