A Plea To Black Women: Do Not Block Your Son From Seeing His Father

Dr. Rosie Milligan

Boys need fathers in their lives. I am making a plea to African-American fathers to be active participants in the lives of their sons; and for African-American women to assist these fathers in the transition of their reentering the lives of their sons.

Most every ill that plagues the Black male child is mostly related to fatherlessness. Having a father as a role model and teacher is critical for a male child. The male who understands this best is the male child whose father was present, and participated, in his life. Unfortunately, for many Black males, they have not had the experience of having a father role model. A male child who did not have his father present can not relate to the critical differences it makes, for he has no comparison to make. Therefore, it becomes easy for him, as an adult, to abandon his son; especially, when it becomes a challenge to be a part of his life.

In addition, I believe that we must revisit history as we examine the family structure of Blacks in America. An absentee father was the norm for the African-American family. Families were separated by force! Slavery severely impacted the lives of the Black family. Considering the fact that our physical exodus from slavery has only been 140 years, that’s not a long time, and we are still experiencing its effects.

Blacks were forced to produce offsprings, not for themselves, but for their master’s economic gain. Today, Blacks are not forced to produce babies; however, because of the residual effect of slavery on the Black family, their offsprings continue to be an economic product for the modern-day master called PRISON. Today, in 2005, Black males in prison are paid less for their labor than they were paid 140 years ago.

Black men were not socialized as other men, that is, to be accountable or responsible for his family. In order to understand why the Black man and Black woman are having such challenges in their relationships, you must understand how their experience and living conditions in America have impacted their lives and the lives of their family.

When a Black family needed assistance from Social Services programs, the father had to remove himself from the family in order for his wife and children to get assistance. Black men have a long way to go to get back to their African roots of being a provider and protector. Black men have come a long way, and they will get back to their God-Created-Nature, with the help of God, Almighty, and with the understanding of their past.

It is the responsibility of the father to help provide for his child. And providing entails more than financial provisions. I’m pleading with women, to not prevent the father from being a part of his son’s life because of the father’s inability to support financially. A male child needs his father in his life, and the woman only hurts her son(s) when she tries to prevent them from having a father-son relationship. The many ills of Black men are inevitably traced to their Fatherlessness.

Most Black men really want to be with their families and children. What they need is someone to be a father-like figure for them. A Black man needs guidance. Most of them are trying to be something or somebody that they have never seen or experienced, and must be taught that. The womans ideal of what a man is supposed to be is distorted because she too has not experience a father in her life.

You see, a father is a role model for his son and a father gives definition to his daughter as to what a man is. A mother is a role model for her daughter and she gives definition to her son as to what a woman is. 70% of Black households are headed and ran by a female with the father most times being totally out of the picture. The sons and daughters are both confused about male/female responsibility.

Many men are not allowed to have relationships with their children. If these men are allowed to participate in their childrens lives, it must be on the woman’s terms only. When it becomes unbearable, he leaves the woman and the child behind. The real victim is the child.

There are some things that a man needs to teach his son, such as: how to bathe and clean his genital area, how to shop for clothing, how to choose his friends, how to respect himself, how to drive an automobile, how to resolve conflicts, how to fight, how to avoid a fight, how to play sports. I am not casting blame on the Black woman. I am only pointing out the facts that are hindering the progress of the Black family. I believe that if we could get a perspective of the Black man, as related to who he was before coming to America and what America has made him become, then we would have a better understanding of our family dynamics and we can embrace each other and begin to value ourselves and our children again.

*Editorial Note* While the above piece cites data from 2005, the essence of the message still remains an unfortunate truth.

Dr. Rosie Milligan, Counselor/Author: Author of Negroes, Colored People, Black, African-Americans in America, Satisfying The Black Man Sexually, Satisfying The Black Woman Sexually and Why Black Men Choose White Women.
For more information from Dr. Rosie you can visit: http://www.Drrosie.com/

7 replies
  1. Baale
    Baale says:

    I am century-percent in support of the write-up. I happen to be a victim when there is misunderstanding/differences in between my parents which is just less than two weeks. But the situation was curtailed by granny’s of both sides intervention. I can tell you that I am a living example which I have promise myself that I will never let that sore in for my generation yet unborn. The truth of the matter is men are not living up to responsibilities but the blame at the future expense will be pull on mothers’. Make it work for crime free and healthy living society. Thank You

  2. Anjie
    Anjie says:

    What about the mother that keeps the child away from the father if he's unable/unwilling to pay child support? Some mothers use their children as bargaining chips…

    • Nicole William
      Nicole William says:

      How dare that mother who supports that child have the nerves to not want someone who doesnt' feel morally required to support that child into that child's life….. This single mothers who are supporting their child are so wrong WE have to protect our black men and their feelings even if they are hurting our sons and daughters by not stepping up. Some mothers like me are doing it all and it is an insult to read an article and decide that black women are in some way wrong when if you look at true statistics we are in many cases the full support of the family. Please tell me the age when black boys get the its okay if you dont want to support your family I still have to beg you to be nice to your child card. I have a 13 year old and a 7 year old boy and I don't allow them to be the victim. I require them to be responsible . I guess once men have kids then its okay not to support them. Real mothers do not use children as a bargaining chip they are too busy trying to make sure the kids have chips (food) to eat and somewhere to lay there head….. The only way a man should be unable to take care of his child is if he is disabled to the point he cannot live by himself. Other than that get a job and do what you are suppose to and stop blaming women…….

      • Jocelyn
        Jocelyn says:

        Nicole while I agree that he should absolutely step up financially, I too am a single mother and do it all myself. Guess what though…my kid could care less who pays the bills. To her, what is most important is a strong relationship with both her mother and father. You don't have to be with him if he's broke, but what does that have to do with him being a physical and emotional part of their lives? His abscence in your kids lives will leave a bigger scar on them than whether or not h buys them food. Keep it real, him not financially helping you is YOUR issue, not theirs. Take his ass to child support court, but still allow him to e a part of their lives because they need him just as much as they need u. It may not be fair but hey….u picked him.

    TAKIMA says:

    What is your take on the building of a relationship between father and child if the father does not posess the forementioned triats in being a positive role for his son?

  4. Okima
    Okima says:

    A lot of women are so wrapped in their emotions that they are blinded to how their anger is impacting their child. It's no longer about your EX…it's now about what's best for your baby. If Daddy wants to be around please don't block your chid's blessing.

  5. Doug
    Doug says:

    I really enjoyed this post. I hope women read and take heed.

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