Why In The Hell Are We Always Arguing?

If arguments were all you saw and heard growing up then it may feel natural to argue a lot. Truthfully you might get a high, an adrenaline rush from the excitement that arguing brings. But whatever the cause, chronic arguing brings problems – and not just for the neighbors…BUT…for your relationship and your family.

Yes, most of us argue sometimes and it would be a dry ass world if we all saw things in exactly the same way. Constructive arguing is cool, but destructive arguing can destroy valuable relationships. The opposite of arguing isn’t agreement in all things, it’s knowing how to disagree and still maintain mutual respect. The biggest understanding that you can embrace is difference is o.k. Once you get that…you’ll release the need to always be right and consequently the number of arguments will decrease. CHECK OUT THE BELOW VIDEO. It contains some valuable insights that will help you deal with disagreements..AKA…BEEF.


How To Deal With Drama In Your Relationship

Drama. Issues. Craziness. A relationship without any issues is an unhealthy relationship. Yup, you read that right. All relationships need a balance of happiness and a lil hell in order to be authentic, productive, and amazingly blissful! So, don’t trip because you have a little drama….just know how to deal with it.

Listen in and we’ll give you some real good info on how to do just that!


We Dare You To Compromise In Your Relationship

Relationships are all about give and take. It’s those folks who are soooo committed to standing their ground that end up standing alone. Learn to compromise yall….it’s critical to your relationships longevity.

Is Your Relationship Environment Toxic?

“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment it is in–not the flower.” There’s a lot us married folks that can learn from that statement. We need to stop focusing on and trying to fix our spouses and pay attention to how we contribute to a loving and positive (or nasty and toxic) environment. You have more power than you realize. Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at, licensed clinical therapists and high school sweethearts, have been together for 22 years and married for 14. Together, they are the founders of B Intentional LLC, a personal development & relationship education company. Known for their signature down to earth and “keep it real” style. Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at have been featured on Dr. Drew’s Life Changers T.V. Show, Michael Baisden Show, Roland Martin’s Washington Watch, The Matt Mcgill Show, The Oprah Winfrey Network, and many more. While they are grateful for an abundance of opportunities to work with people all over the country committed to transcending self limiting barriers and elevating themselves and their relationships to a higher level, their most valued and important accomplishments to date are their 5 beautiful children who keep them busy, focused, centered, and laughing!

It’s Normal To Experience Stress In Your Relationship…

Many couples believe that happily ever after literally means that after you get married your relationship will be all peaches and cream. NOT. One of the functions of being in relationship is to help you evolve…to help GROW YOU UP. While growing each other up in your relationship please know that it’s normal to experience stress in your relationship and that more than likely this too shall pass!

How To Deal With A Stubborn Spouse Who Always Pushes Back

Resistant. Attitude. Can’t take criticism. Never wrong. Hard for them to hear you because they’re so busy defending themselves…. sound familiar. If this is your spouse or…maybe it’s you….this question and answer is for YOU.

A viewer wrote in and said….

Hey guys, love the show. I have a question I’d like to pose, anonymously. How does one communicate an issue with someone who is stubborn or quick to anger? Verbal aggression is a lot of the times used as a barrier to deflect an issue that need to be addressed. Serious issues as well as the minor stuff. Difficult to penetrate, even with persistence… Tips?

What are some of the ways you deal with your boo when they ain’t trying to hear you? Are you strategic? Creative? Or do you push back too? Listen in to our answer below.

How To Turn Conflict Into Connection

By Dr. Richard Nicastro

“I really hate it when we argue…but I’ve also learned so much about my husband from our fights and we have a stronger relationship now.” ~Sandra, married seven years

Even the most effective communicators get into spats now and then. And despite your best efforts at marital bliss, you and your partner will disagree and argue from time to time.

But not all conflict is bad-conflict (if handled correctly) can teach you a great deal about yourself and your spouse or partner.

Relationship Help: From conflict to connection

Ideally, conflict can lead to an increase in mutual understanding and a healthy re-adjustment of your relationship, rather than estrangement. Of course, during a heated exchange it may feel like your world is ending and that you’re in love with the most unreasonable person on the planet-so how can such an unwelcome experience lead to growth?

The opportunity for greater intimacy comes after an argument, in the post-conflict analysis.

Have you ever noticed how most sporting events have a post-game analysis? By going over what happened, coaches and athletes discover what worked and didn’t, they examine their strengths (what they should be doing more of) and their areas of vulnerability (what they should change); they then set goals for how to use this information to improve future performance.

Doesn’t your marriage or relationship deserve this level of attention?

Marriage help action steps:

So here are a few post-conflict questions for you and your spouse or partner to reflect on (try to think of a few of your own):

1. What can I learn about myself (my strengths and areas of vulnerability) from how I reacted and behaved during the conflict?

2. What can I learn about my spouse or partner (his/her strengths and areas of vulnerability) from how s/he reacted and behaved?

3. How can I use this information to show more understanding and greater appreciation of my spouse or partner?

The information gathered from these questions can ultimately lead to more effective communication and greater intimacy. To get the most out of your post-conflict analysis, it will be important for you to wait until you regain your emotional footing-in other words, you should feel calm and centered while reflecting on these questions (so you may need to wait until any strong, residual feelings left over from the conflict dissipate).

You will strengthen your relationship when you make a post-conflict analysis a regular part of your marriage or relationship.   Because conflict is painful, many couples simiply ignore what happened and try to get on with there life. When you do this, however, you’re ignoring important information that can help pave the way for a more harmonious marriage or relationship. So when you set aside the time to examine the nature of conflict, you place yourself in the drivers seat of the relationship, rather than leaving the outcome of your marriage or relationship to chance.

And don’t forget, you can make a significant impact on your relationship all by yourself. So if your partner isn’t on board with doing a post-conflict analysis, you can do it on your own and change your behavior in ways that will positively impact the future of your marriage or relationship.

5 Signs That Your Relationship Is Done!

By Alex Daniels

Relationships are fragile and not everyone you meet is destined to be your soul mate. But, that’s the good thing about dating. You can meet different people so that you will know when the right person does come along. So, what are some of the indications that your relationship may be headed south? Take a look at the following 5 signs and see if your love will pass the test.

Inconvenience. Does your partner all of a sudden act as though making time for you is a burden? If you feel like your sweetheart cannot or will not fit you into their busy schedule, there may be a reason. If you’re spending more and more time apart, it may be time to make the distance permanent.

Defensiveness. When your mate isn’t where he/she is supposed to be and then becomes defensive when asked about it, you may have a problem. This may be a sign of cheating or just plain out dishonesty but, either way, it’s a good indication that the relationship is in trouble.

Dishonesty. If someone deceives you, it’s not okay. Whether it’s something that you can forgive or not, that’s a personal decision. Regardless of the deceit or it’s severity, the fact that your partner was dishonest is not an indication that the relationship is heading in the right direction. Why did this person deceive you and why did they believe it was okay? If this situation isn’t corrected, the relationship is just as good as finished either way you look at it.

Constant arguments. If you and your mate are always bickering, ask yourself what has changed within the relationship to create all of the hostility. If nitpicking is a problem, why does it seem as though the other person is always trying to start an argument? If there are legitimate reasons for the disagreements, what are they and what lead to their development? In some cases, people just change and may even grow apart. If your occasional argument has turned into a daily habit, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship and try to determine whether or not these issues can or will ever be resolved.

The rumor mill. Rumors are rumors and sometimes they may be just that. But some say there is a little bit of truth to every one. If people are talking about your mate, listen to what they are saying and decide for yourself whether or not there is any credibility to their statements. When you’re in love, your judgement may be clouded and you may even be angry at those who are talking. In deciding who and what to believe, first consider who is doing the talking. Is it someone that cares for you and has always had your best interest at heart? If so, take a good listen to what they are saying. This doesn’t mean that you should believe everything that you hear and, by that same token, you shouldn’t disbelieve it either.

Relationship Rule to Break: We Can’t Have Any Fun Until We Solve Our Problems

By Cindy Bare

There is an unspoken rule in relationships that partners can’t have any fun together until they “get over” the significant problems they face or stop having any kind of conflict.

The truth is, all relationships have issues, and if you wait until they are resolved to start enjoying each other again, you may be waiting a very long time. Love is a feeling that must be cultivated with quality time together that does NOT focus on the issues you currently face. Whatever you’d like to address, whether it be recovering from an affair, resolving a disagreement on a major life issue, or facing the normal waning of romance in the daily grind of life, unless you focus some effort on what is RIGHT in your relationship, you may miss the opportunity to improve it.


But Cindy, you say, I would be faking it.  Things are not all romantic and happy right now.  I need to be real, right?

Yes, be authentic about what you feel and need, and tell your partner in a safe way, like through Imago dialogue.  Still, sometimes you gotta fake it until you make it.  When there is much that is wrong, and you are both hurting, it is hard to keep in mind that your issues are only one part of your relationship, not its whole story.  You can consciously decide to work on those things at a particular time, like at your marriage counseling appointment, and live in the now otherwise. You are not ignoring the conflict, you are choosing to be strategic about how you use your time and energy.

Sometimes you have set aside what’s wrong for a while to save what’s right about your relationship, to be able to remember the way things once were, or to be able to dream together about what it could still be.

That’s why I encourage couples to give each other appreciations.  Notice and verbalize what you are grateful for or admire about your partner.  Continue to enjoy fun activities together, especially physical pursuits such as working out together, dancing, or my personal favorite, a round of golf (you’d be amazed at how therapeutic four hours together with no interruptions can be).  Do something new or go somewhere new together.  Surprise your partner with something he or she would enjoy.  Find a way to laugh together (I Love Lucy reruns?) and keeping having sex or affectionate hugs and touch.  Both belly laughs and sex release oxytocin, a bonding chemical that can help you feel closer.

In short, keep working on your issues and start acting as if your relationship was strong and healthy until it starts growing that way.  Until it starts feeling that way again.  Until it is strong and healthy again.

From the Imago Center Of Washington DC 

4 Steps To Teaching Your Husband, Wife, And Family To Treat You Better

By Dr. Tony Fiore

Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always feeling angry and “used” by her family, constantly saying that everybody took advantage of her. She felt that she worked like a slave but her family showed no appreciation or acknowledgement of her many efforts.

Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that his critical wife was always angry at him.

He spent his life trying to cope with her outrages which often escalated him into defensive anger which didn’t happen anywhere but in this relationship.

Case#3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother struggled with her soon to be ex-husband’s contempt and disrespect every time she angrily called him to discuss details of their divorce.

These three cases bring up the question often asked by participants in our anger management classes: Is it possible to control how family members treat us? The short answer is “no” — but often we can teach them to treat us better!

Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family how to treat us— both by our responses to their behavior, and by the behavior we display to them which they react to. In our case examples:

– By automatically doing whatever her husband and children requested, Elizabeth was “teaching” them that there are almost no limits to what she would do for them.

– With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife that the way to get attention from him (even if it was negative attention) was for her to create drama.

– Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her defensive “attitude” was “teaching” him that to deal with her, he had to push back with the contempt and disrespect that he constantly showed her.

The dance of anger

Our interchange with family members is often like a carefully choreographed dance. They make a move. You make a move in response to their move. They then respond to what you said or did and …well, you get the idea!

How do you change the dance? Start by seeing yourself as a teacher—of how you would like your family to treat you.

Four ways to change what you teach others

1. Try a softer start-up. Marital research shows that the first few seconds of an interaction can predict the final outcome of the encounter. Try being softer, more polite, more respectful, less hostile, or more empathetic—and see how this change in your approach actually teaches others to respond better to you.

2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or situation. Conflicting or arguing family members often work themselves up to a point at which problem solving is impossible.

The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to calm down and think things over. This takes at least 20 minutes, often much longer. Before taking your time out, it is important to tell the other person that you will commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after you are calmer—then be sure to do it!

3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be seeing the situation. Called “empathy,” this response on your part teaches others that you care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions.

Acknowledgement doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with their viewpoint —only that you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know that you care about them and respect their opinions before they listen to what you say.

4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. Limits and boundaries are basically rules regarding acceptable behaviors toward you as well as what you are willing or not willing to do.

If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask yourself what you may be doing ( or not doing )to give the message it is “ok” for them to do whatever they are doing. Often you can change their behavior toward you by teaching them different rules of being with you. The easiest way to do this is simply to respond differently yourself. For instance, they make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice person, you pretend it doesn’t bother you (even though it does), so you laugh with everybody else. As an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a way of teaching them that they have crossed a boundary with you.

Dr. Tony Fiore (www.angercoach.com) is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter “Taming The Anger Bee” atwww.angercoach.com.