I have been reading your articles and watching your videos for the past year. It has really opened my mind and helped me in my personal growth through marriage. I have a question that I hope you can help me through. Two years ago I found a phototaken of my husband’s penis that he emailed to another woman. We were sharing the same cell phone bc at the time he wasn’t working and we couldn’t afford two. I was looking through his photos in order to re-send a picture of our daughter to my mother. I confronted him and he assured me that it was sent just as a joke (one I didn’t understand). I said ok, but kept my eyes on him (something I had never done before). Around this same time of sharing cell phones, I ran across text messages he had sent other women. There were only a few, but they were very vulgar in nature. They were women he had been friends with in the past and had sexual relations with. Again, he assured me that there was nothing going on and that he even did it to help his friend (who was going through a divorce and death of a parent-What a way to help a friend?). I tried to get over it for the sake of our marriage but kept thinking there was more. Two years crept by (he found a job) and I still had this nagging feeling that something else was happening during this time. I asked and this time he told me that he confided in a friend at the time. They met up for lunch occassionally, but nothing ever happened. She was unemployed and they were able to talk about their feelings with each other (his depression over losing his job and us losing our home). We talked and I reassured him that I was always there to talk to him. I made attempts to communicate with him more to show him he could always count on me. But, inside I still felt there was more. One day while using my laptop, I noticed that he didnt’ log off of Facebook. I knew it was wrong, but honestly felt that I could get the answers I had been searching for all these years. I found hundreds of messages by three different women, including the two I mentioned earlier. They talked about the things they would do to each other, what their life would have been like had they gotten together, our marriage,etc. I confronted him again and found out that he had kissed two women and that one of them regularly visited him at his job. One of the women’shusband found out and confronted them both. He said that there was no sexual contact (aside from the kiss), but felt that it could have turned sexual had it continued. I asked him to stop all communication with these women on Facebook. He says he doesn’t understand why he has to do that. He stopped communication with the married woman, but only because she initiated it. I feel totally betrayed and feel that he cheated. He says he didnt’ cheat bc he didnt’ sleep with anyone. I have lost all confidence in myself and feel that I am to blame. He did finally delete the two women as his friends on facebook, but I often wonder what else he may be up to. We dont’ have money for counseling so I have been searching your website and others for advice. He says if I want counseling, only I should go because it’s my problem that I don’t trust him. What should I do?
-married to an emotional cheater