Good Sex Is About Way More Than Just Chemistry

By Lynn Margolies, Ph.D.

Sometimes sexual problems are the body’s way of communicating a message to us that cannot yet be put into words or understood. In this vein, symptoms — psychological, emotional or sexual — can be seen as unwavering messages from the heart, boldly alerting us to our innermost feelings and thwarting our efforts at self-deception. These signs from our inner selves bear wisdom that is expressed unconsciously through the body and mind. When these signs are decoded and understood, the symptoms — no longer needing a voice in the body — may almost magically disappear.

Michael, 32, and Stacey, 29, had been married 5 years and were struggling with a sexual problem. Both of them feared that Michael was no longer attracted to Stacey, since he had not initiated sex in a long time and, during recent attempts, was unable to maintain an erection. Erectile dysfunction medicines were ineffective.

Notably, the couple had recently been through some family crises with Michael’s family of origin when some disturbing events came to light. That situation conceivably could have accounted for Michael’s initial lack of interest, as well as feelings of inhibition about any behavior he might have perceived as aggressive, including sex. However, although these events might have contributed to Michael’s initial retreat from sex and the negative spiral that ensued from Stacey’s reaction, they were not enough to explain the ongoing story between them.

The immediate reason for the couple seeking counseling at this time was Stacey having just revealed to Michael that she had had sex with another man, a one-night stand with a stranger. She described this episode as passionate but meaningless. She viewed her infidelity as a “cry for help” in the relationship and confessed to Michael about it immediately afterwards. She felt ashamed of her behavior and hopeless about being forgiven. She could not even forgive herself, knowing that she hurt Michael and forced his hand in the relationship. Michael, however, did not feel that Stacey was ashamed at all, rather, he saw her as minimizing the whole thing on top of having the presumption to expect “credit” for having been honest about what she did.

“I’m no longer attracted to my wife.”

Michael spoke privately in an individual therapy session about his lack of attraction to his wife, focusing on her weight gain and failure to exercise. Michael continued to insist that he did not feel “chemistry” towards Stacey despite the fact that, as they both agreed, they had enjoyed a mutually satisfying sex life earlier in the relationship and had apparent chemistry then.  Michael maintained that he saw Stacey more as a friend and would be willing to remain in the marriage without sex because he loved her and didn’t want to lose her. Stacey, however, made it clear that she would not stay in a sexless marriage, stating that it made her feel unattractive, rejected, and deprived.

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