By Ayize Ma’at
What’s up Fam…A couple of days ago Aiyana and I had a conversation, which evolved into a discussion, which transformed into a disagreement, which morphed into an argument, which ultimately resulted in a lecture where I was told I was in the “dog house” and on my wife’s $h!t list.
Now I’ve been on this list before….I wouldn’t say I’m familiar with it, aware of it is probably more appropriate. Husbands who are on this list usually get eye rolls, short monotone comments, glares, bland food, raised voices, sarcastic statements, rhetorical questions, vaseline and tissue cause there won’t be no sex, and the torture of hearing their wife talk about “what you did” on the phone with their girlfriends. Yup…it’s not a good space to be in and truthfully it’s not the end of the world. But if you had to choose, wouldn’t you rather be sleeping with your wife than sleeping in the dog house? I would. : )
So for the success of our relationship, peace of mind for our wives, and our own psycho-emotional stability let’s get off this $h!t list. It doesn’t feel good being here. Sure, in the moment you may feel like “Fu$% You Too”, but I’ve learned through experience that sustaining an opposositional disposition produces less than desirable (more $h!t list) outcomes. So switch it up champ. Eat a piece of humble pie. I guarantee I won’t be here for long. It ain’t becoming and I know better. It’s time to do better and fellas I challenge you to do the same.
4 Steps To Getting Out Of The Dog House
*Teachable Moment * There are a couple of phrases in the prior paragraphs that will raise an eyebrow for women…..make a point to exclude this type of language in that same context when you’re trying to get out the Dog House. Phrases like “ultimately resulted in a lecture” and “truthfully it’s not the end of the world” can be problematic if used in the same context that I used them.
1. Be patient and present during the airing of grievances: Once the issue has been discovered and stated by your woman don’t rush the process of healing by jumping to solution mode. This does not work. You can’t solve the issue if you don’t feel the issue. In order to feel the issue yo have to be “present” when the issue is being expressed. If you’re automatically thinking about the solution..you ain’t present. Sit down next to your woman, look her in her eyes and be engaged in what she’s saying because it’s important.
2. Be open and honest during cross examination: You Fu@%ed up slim… so questions are going to come. Don’t get into a space where you resent her for asking questions. Don’t get mad cause she has 1001 questions. It’s her prerogative because she’s invested in this relationship. A grown man move would be to ask the question “What would you like to know?” And when she asks her questions be truthful.
3. Validate and apologize: More important to a woman than hearing you say “I’m sorry”, is hearing you express your understanding of “how & why” what you did hurt her. Of course you should follow that expression of understanding up with an apology and make sure you’re sincere when you do it. This one is serious yall… if you give half a$$ effort you’ll get NO A$$ RESULTS.
4. If you do the crime you’ve got to be willing to do the time: Healing is a process!!! If you’ve ever bust your lip, scraped your knee, or broken a bone you know that there’s a process to healing an injury. If you cheated…it may take 5 years. If you lied it may take 12 days. If you disrespected it may take 1 hour….who knows. All of these times will very depending upon the persons involved and the circumstances. But there’s one guarantee through it all…the healing won’t happen instantaneously and because of that you’ve got to be willing to do the time.
If you’re man enough to Fu@% Up you’ve got to be man enough to Fix Up. If you apply these four steps to your relationship there’s a really really really good chance you’ll be invited back into the bed and told you can burn the damn Dog House. Or maybe, don’t burn it just yet LOL.
P.S. I know you wanna know what happened stay tuned because you’ll get to see and both of us share it in a video next week. : )
Ayize Ma’at is the co-founder of this site (Blackloveandmarriage.com) He is a highly regarded relationship expert that has been featured on Dr. Drew’s Life Changers, Roland Martin, Aol BlackVoices, and numerous other multi-media platforms. He had 4 children and is happily married to his high school sweetheart Aiyana Ma’at (co-founder of blackloveandmarriage.com). He’s wholeheartedly committed to raising the awareness of what is required to build lasting love. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org