I’m Hurting Because In 19 Years I Haven’t Found Love With My Husband

VIDEO: I have been in a relationship for 19 yrs and we have been married for 9.  We have three children (15, 8, and 3).  When I met him he was in college and I was in high school.  He had huge goals and I had no goals. We were together for three years and he left me.  He didn’t see the relationship going anywhere.  I found out I was pregnant, he denied the baby, then returned when he realized the baby was his.  We married when our daughter was five years old. I went to the Military two days after we married and he fought with me every time we spoke.  He wrote one letter in the six months I was away training.  This was the beginning of the end.

My husband and I have had a rocky relationship for the past sixteen years and here’s why.  He is verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. He’s arrogant, he has a sense of entitlement, and he’s a taker, unappreciative, self centered, manipulative, and unforgiving, an alcoholic and over bearing.  He is never wrong and unapologetic.  He sleeps, eats, shaves, drinks, works, complains and criticizes everything. Then he walks away leaving the mess behind. I saw these things in the beginning but I weighed the good and bad.  He was motivated, ambitious, loyal, and he would never hit me nor cheat on me.  Oh and you ever met him…he’s a charmer.

I have always felt insignificant in his world.  Neither my feelings nor wants ever mattered.  I wasn’t asking for material things.  I asked for gentleness, care, love, kindness and respect.  I also asked him to wear his wedding ring.  I would occasionally ask him to go dancing with me.  I received nothing.  When I would express to him how his tone or choice of words made me feel. I was treated with disregard. He would say to me “If that’s how you feel, that has nothing to do with me”.

After years of that response, the once soft and loving woman I was had turned hard and hateful.  I stopped cooking, cleaning, and doing his laundry.  Then of course my reaction to the way he treated me…turned into how slack of woman I am. His emotional, verbal, and mental abuse was matched along with me now becoming physically abusive.  Anything I would ever say to him didn’t matter during an argument or otherwise.  I became frustrated, sad, and angry.  All I ever wanted was to feel was an unbreakable togetherness.

He says because I come from a broken home and he from a two parent household, I don’t know any better.  According to him, I’m psychotic and crazy.  He attributes that to my thyroid or my period.  I have asked to go to marriage counseling and he denied us that option.  He says I am the one with the issues and I need to seek help on my own. He takes our issues to streets and tells whoever will listen.  Then he comes to me with the feedback. He never sees his own problems.  He doesn’t recognize the problems within himself that existed before there was ever an “us”.  He doesn’t see that he is mad at himself as well.  He has a Master’s in Management but has no experience. He is so educated and I am the one with a good job, benefits, and I make more money than he with my GED…hmph.

Our last altercation was per usual.  Yelling and screaming.  All of my past transgressions and short comings were thrown in my face.  I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. He subjected our children to his tirade (once again).  He pulled the children into our match.  He told them to “Pay attention to your mother and watch how f***ed up she is”.  He has said in front of my kids “your mother is f****ing you all up”.  He left the house for two days without a phone call.  He returned only to pack his clothes.  I asked him to at least call the kids.  .  I apologized for hitting him.

I realized that no matter how I feel I should always control myself.  He apologized for nothing and still takes no responsibility for anything that has ever happened between us.  After all that has happened, I still asked him to stay.  He said no.  He said we need time apart.  Funny because I don’t feel we were ever together.  He said he needs to “do him” for a while.  He’s been doing him all along.

I want to love, cherish, adore, support, and take care of my husband but I don’t know it’s possible.  I want my marriage to work.  I want my family.  I want peace.I’m no angel.  I own my part in all that has happened.  I am not crazy, I am not psychotic.  I have issues.   Don’t we all?



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11 replies
  1. Myrtle
    Myrtle says:

    This is definitely not the time to get into another relationship, and he's made it quite clear how poisonous he is. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
    My recent post The Dating Advice Blog

  2. Krizza
    Krizza says:

    They may hurt your feelings by accident, or even intentionally. The best way to handle hurtful behavior is with honest communication and a self-evaluation of your relationship..

    My recent post Car Insurance Comparison Help

  3. Brooke
    Brooke says:

    I read something the other day that said, One person can heal a relationship between two people. If you can find one thing to appreciate about the other person, and tell them about it. That can start the healing process. I see two things you can appreciate about him already. 1) He works 2) He spends time at home oh wait 3) He's there with you and the three children you all created.

    However, to get to that place where you can actually appreciate anything he is, you have to do like Mr &Mrs. Ma'at said and spend some real time loving yourself. The things that you say he is, I see showing up in you just based on what you've written. So if you can get to that place of showing yourself some great love and to feel loved, lovely, loving, and lovable. You will see that in him. You will see it in him because it's in us all.

    My recent post 10 Romantic Resorts to Ski and Stay

  4. Patricia Knight
    Patricia Knight says:

    When we're raised in families that are chaotic and don't teach us to love properly, we don't know how to relate to another person in an intimate relationship. This lady, as well as, her husband, went out into the world damaged. She doesn't speak of the family of origin issues, but they're so loud, they're shouting. Both of them have some deep rooted, unresolved issues.

    Too many of us begin our families in this way. We don't all end up in the same place, though. Some of us find a way to break those generational curses and go on to live blessed lives in marriage and family. With God, all things are possible.

  5. guest
    guest says:

    nope. she is crazy and psychotic just as i've already stated. she is insane for thinking that a man who didn't want her would become devoted to her because she magically came up pregnant just as he was making his exit. as she stated she already had no goals in life so her self esteem was shot before he even met her. then he tried to stand up for the kid's sake and once again she sabotages herself by leaving to boot camp days after her wedding. who does that after planning a scheme to trap him?? she is psychotic because she is trying to literally beat a grown man into loving her who she KNEW didn't love her to begin with. arguments stop when one person walks away and i commend him for choosing the high road and walking away. from her PSYCHOTIC and INSANE abuse and NOT hitting her back. she thinks he is mentally and emotionally abusive because she REFUSES to understand that he NEVER loved her and because of her behavior he probably never will. she is a narcissistic sociopath.

  6. My Lifes Promise
    My Lifes Promise says:

    Why is she trying to work things out if she knows all of this about him? I know she is not perfect in her part in this as well. Yet, why would she want all that abuse {physical or emotional} around her kids…{on both ends}. I think he has a good point, they need? their space, they need to find themselves as INDIVIDUALS first. Those kids need to know that they dont have to deal with ANY type of abuse from ANYONE..male or female.

  7. Essence
    Essence says:

    My heart goes out to this woman. I pray that you get on your feet and go on with your life and be happy and blessed.
    Now Guest, usually I don’t comment on anothers comment but I am 100% real and upfront. She doesn’t have a problem, she does yes need help. I needed help as well will my self esteem. Her husband is to blame just as much as she is. She is not crazy nor psychotic, she knew what she wanted for her family (their children) and she still does. There’s nothing wrong woth that. Heck, I’ve been with my fiancee for 9yrs we have a 3yo child together and years ago, my fiancee was a jack&&&! Period. WE BOTH went to councelling together & seperately. We worked things out through the grace of God and I am very happy. He decided to leave as she stated so he was wrong. He could’ve at least spoke to their children. Funny thing about life I will say because Karma will come back around and I pray for her husband he’ll need it more than she will

  8. guest
    guest says:

    she is crazy AND psychotic. she thought she could change him and when he didn't change she most likely instigating most of the fighting. if he was so terrible why stay 10yrs in a non commited relationship and then get married? sounds psychotic to me. she needs to see a therapist and stop blaming him for the situation she put her and her kids in. he is really not to blame for anything. how can you blame him for being the person he is when you willingly TOLD him that you accepted him just the way he was(marriage=i accept you just as you are).

  9. Joe Allen
    Joe Allen says:

    Don't know her and don't know him. But I think? it started with him having dreams and her not having any. They weren't going in the same direction in life and it causes tension. Both of them probably feel dragged down by the other.

  10. Briana Myricks
    Briana Myricks says:

    This post made me so incredibly sad 🙁 If I was sad reading it, I can only imagine how much pain she was going through these past 19 years. I hope she'll take this opportunity to move on, find herself, love herself, heal, and then true love and a good man will find her. This is definitely not the time to get into another relationship, and he's made it quite clear how poisonous he is. I'll be praying for her.
    My recent post Marriage Monday: Til Death Do Us Part

  11. Nappy Naturally
    Nappy Naturally says:

    …what's she looking for from him….he doesn't have it 2 give….you have? 2 go to GOD to fill the emptiness, loneliness, low self esteem, fulfillment, self love etc.

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