I’m Hurting Because In 19 Years I Haven’t Found Love With My Husband

VIDEO: I have been in a relationship for 19 yrs and we have been married for 9.  We have three children (15, 8, and 3).  When I met him he was in college and I was in high school.  He had huge goals and I had no goals. We were together for three years and he left me.  He didn’t see the relationship going anywhere.  I found out I was pregnant, he denied the baby, then returned when he realized the baby was his.  We married when our daughter was five years old. I went to the Military two days after we married and he fought with me every time we spoke.  He wrote one letter in the six months I was away training.  This was the beginning of the end.

My husband and I have had a rocky relationship for the past sixteen years and here’s why.  He is verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. He’s arrogant, he has a sense of entitlement, and he’s a taker, unappreciative, self centered, manipulative, and unforgiving, an alcoholic and over bearing.  He is never wrong and unapologetic.  He sleeps, eats, shaves, drinks, works, complains and criticizes everything. Then he walks away leaving the mess behind. I saw these things in the beginning but I weighed the good and bad.  He was motivated, ambitious, loyal, and he would never hit me nor cheat on me.  Oh and you ever met him…he’s a charmer.

I have always felt insignificant in his world.  Neither my feelings nor wants ever mattered.  I wasn’t asking for material things.  I asked for gentleness, care, love, kindness and respect.  I also asked him to wear his wedding ring.  I would occasionally ask him to go dancing with me.  I received nothing.  When I would express to him how his tone or choice of words made me feel. I was treated with disregard. He would say to me “If that’s how you feel, that has nothing to do with me”.

After years of that response, the once soft and loving woman I was had turned hard and hateful.  I stopped cooking, cleaning, and doing his laundry.  Then of course my reaction to the way he treated me…turned into how slack of woman I am. His emotional, verbal, and mental abuse was matched along with me now becoming physically abusive.  Anything I would ever say to him didn’t matter during an argument or otherwise.  I became frustrated, sad, and angry.  All I ever wanted was to feel was an unbreakable togetherness.

He says because I come from a broken home and he from a two parent household, I don’t know any better.  According to him, I’m psychotic and crazy.  He attributes that to my thyroid or my period.  I have asked to go to marriage counseling and he denied us that option.  He says I am the one with the issues and I need to seek help on my own. He takes our issues to streets and tells whoever will listen.  Then he comes to me with the feedback. He never sees his own problems.  He doesn’t recognize the problems within himself that existed before there was ever an “us”.  He doesn’t see that he is mad at himself as well.  He has a Master’s in Management but has no experience. He is so educated and I am the one with a good job, benefits, and I make more money than he with my GED…hmph.

Our last altercation was per usual.  Yelling and screaming.  All of my past transgressions and short comings were thrown in my face.  I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. He subjected our children to his tirade (once again).  He pulled the children into our match.  He told them to “Pay attention to your mother and watch how f***ed up she is”.  He has said in front of my kids “your mother is f****ing you all up”.  He left the house for two days without a phone call.  He returned only to pack his clothes.  I asked him to at least call the kids.  .  I apologized for hitting him.

I realized that no matter how I feel I should always control myself.  He apologized for nothing and still takes no responsibility for anything that has ever happened between us.  After all that has happened, I still asked him to stay.  He said no.  He said we need time apart.  Funny because I don’t feel we were ever together.  He said he needs to “do him” for a while.  He’s been doing him all along.

I want to love, cherish, adore, support, and take care of my husband but I don’t know it’s possible.  I want my marriage to work.  I want my family.  I want peace.I’m no angel.  I own my part in all that has happened.  I am not crazy, I am not psychotic.  I have issues.   Don’t we all?

CLICK HERE for INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING with AYIZE & AIYANA MA’AT

CLICK HERE to get your RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

CLICK HERE to purchase or SPEAK LOVE RIGHT audio program