I’m NOT A Stepmom

By Neysa Ellery Taylor

I’m not a stepmom. I consider stepmoms to be women who married a man knowing that he had children from a previous relationship. That term doesn’t define me or my situation. My husband did not have kids with another woman before we were married. My husband had a set of twins with another woman while we were married. (Go ahead and re-read the sentence. I know it’s a lot to digest. Better? Ok, let’s continue…) Here’s the synopsis: My husband had an affair, she became pregnant with twins, we decided to continue on with our marriage, our family dynamic was redefined, praise God for restoration and renewal. I’m not trivializing the hard work that has been put in to get to this point, but this article is not about the past. Like I said, that’s the synopsis. So that brings me back to my original statement: I’m not a stepmom. I didn’t knowingly marry a man with kids therefore the term does not fit me.

So what do I call myself? I’m a mom-mom. Yep, I made that term up. What exactly is a mom-mom? A mom-mom loves you in spite of the conditions surrounding your conception. A mom-mom recognizes that adult mistakes do not define your existence. A mom-mom welcomes you into her home as her child. A mom-mom believes that the mental, physical, and emotional health of all of the children involved is most important. A mom-mom wants generational curses to stop with her. A mom-mom is a woman that every weekend expands her family from 2 kids to 4 without batting an eye. A mom-mom prays. A mom-mom loves. I’m a mom-mom.

Women ask me if it’s hard being a mom-mom. Honestly, the kid part is easy. Being a good mother is something that I pride myself on. So loving two more children was the easy part. The hard part is actually dealing the people that try to negate you as a parent. I anticipated problems with the mistress, because let’s be honest – this is not the Will, Jada, and Sheree show. But when some members of the family – the very people you expect to be in your corner – tried to negate me as a parent, I was angry. Actually, I was livid. But what I had to come to realize is that I had other titles that were much more important to me than being called a “niece.” The titles that matter the most to me are “mom,” “wife”, and now, “mom-mom.”

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.

17 replies
  1. HWT
    HWT says:

    I was really disappointed to hear that "Mom-Mom" found out her husband was still cheating with his mistress. Given the history of this situation, it seems like neither the wife or the mistress wants to leave him. The wife stayed married to the husband and he kept the mistress in the mix even after he had kids on his wife! Damn! So what now? Maybe they all could work it out like Sister Wives or the possibility of an open marriage should be explored!

  2. Blkace06
    Blkace06 says:

    My definition of family first was expanded after reading this post. I pray your husband understands & appreciates the WOMAN he married. God Bless you.

    ATL/BEAN says:

    Yes strong indeed!!! I've gone through some things myself and I had to ask my mother, grandmother and even ask what my great-grandmother would or have done in these situations…because it has or was done back then unfortunately. It's been our history of women that this has continued in our day in age but there is a need to STOP this!!! I want to stop this from happening in the next generation!

  4. LaWanda
    LaWanda says:

    I admire you. Thank you for showing that you can overcome great difficulty in marriage and still choose to love when you had every right to end it. Prayerfully your husband understands the type of woman he has and treats you with the utmost respect and love.

    • Not Blinded
      Not Blinded says:

      How is this treating her with respect and love when he has cheated on her for years and then brings children into the world with another woman? I pray that my spouse NEVER loves and respects me in this manner. If her husband or the mistress are decent people at all, then they will not allow their children to call her mom-anything. The article does not state that the children's mother is not in the picture- so their biological mother is MOM. Simply put, she is making herself feel better by authoring a nickname so close to "Mom" so that she does not have to spare the embarrassment of re-tellin her story for life.

  5. Jacquie Barbavian
    Jacquie Barbavian says:

    Thank you Sistah for being strong and not punishing the children for how they got here! I hope your husband knows the gem he has in you and mends his ways! Do ya'll thing no matter what others say! It takes a village! Girl you part of that village! One salute to you! Peace Love Blessings and more to you and your family!

  6. Wey
    Wey says:

    God bless you. One thing is for sure, your kids are blessed to call you Mom Mom!! I totally relate your scenario and am currently a full time bonus-mom and your article has just confirmed my decisions! KUDOS!

  7. KnownAsMonique
    KnownAsMonique says:

    You are a "MOTHER" and a "WIFE" in every true sense of those beings!! Bravo and I salute you just for being……. "YOU". Often, I'm hit with the 'WAY OUT OF THE WAY" comments about my relationship status with my children's father…. (can I put a hand up symbol-ing HOLD UP in their faces). I see that your in love….In Love with YOU which make you the awesome and dynamic women – Child of the Creator – that you are. Continue to GLOW for other to see to allow that reflection to beam on to MANY MANY SO MANY other Mom Moms!!

  8. lanasuccess4kids
    lanasuccess4kids says:

    I pray God's blessings! Thank you for sharing.

  9. MSoutherngaLA
    MSoutherngaLA says:

    Go, Sista! I love your strength. Too many times WE are blamed for not being strong and fighting to keep our marriages together "for better or for worse". In my eyes, you are not just mom, wife, mom-mom. You are inspiration to the nation!

  10. K.O.
    K.O. says:

    I admire your strength and your ability to endure! Right on, Mom Mom!

  11. Venisha
    Venisha says:

    Your story is definitely a testimony. You are truly courageous. I would've probably killed everybody by now lol. Thanks for this Mom-Mom

  12. Keesha
    Keesha says:

    only by the grace of GOD…. I am a STEP-MOM!!! My husband had two sons before we married; however, they don't come every weekend…our sons live with us every day! I love them with every ounce of my being. I have not been blessed with my own biological children YET and when they call me Keesha…I'm painfully reminded of that fact. I do like MOM-MOM. When the boys first started living with me, the oldest asked if he can call me mom, I said Keesha is okay. My mama told me to let them call me Ke-Ma but I did not . Now… I want to be so much more than Keesha. I know I'm not mom…but I AM MOM! (Big SIGH) …the boys have been living with us now for 5 years… I enrolled the youngest into kindergarten and he's now a 5th grader. I would do it again if I had too…only this time MOM would be A okay.. didn't realize how much I need to hear that from my sons! I suppose we LIVE and LEARN!

  13. Shantori
    Shantori says:

    I love this article because some many "adults" blame the children for their own mistakes it calls for a special anointment from God to love a child or children despite the situation! We need more "adults" to stand up.

  14. Aisha
    Aisha says:

    God bless you. I only hope I can be half as strong as you if faced with the same situation. God is worthy and God is able. I pray continued blessings on you and your family.

  15. Karen
    Karen says:

    Sistah…YOU ARE STRONG!!!

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