My Husband Cheated On Me And I’m A Better Wife Because Of It
By Neysa Ellery Taylor
My husband cheated on me and I’m a better wife because of it. Yes, you read that right. My husband cheated on me and I am a better wife because of it. It’s true. But before sisters start rolling their eyes, let me first back up a bit.
No one deserves to be cheated on. No one can make a person cheat or prevent a person from cheating. I can honestly say that dealing with the infidelity – and the long-term emotional scars from it – are something that I wouldn’t wish on my enemy.
My husband had an affair that resulted in the birth of twin boys. That sentence alone is enough to send most people to divorce court. Initially, that was my reaction. I was quick to say “adios!” But honestly, God kept bringing me back. And each time I looked at how messed up the situation was, I kept seeing cracks in my own armor.
What does that mean? It means that my husband did the unthinkable and had to slay his own dragons. But the situation made me face my own demons.
What demons? I had to deal with my parent’s divorce. I had to stop crucifying my father for his own missteps. I had to let that baggage go and define my marriage for myself, not as a carbon copy of theirs.
I had to slay the judgemental demon. I was quick to say “I would never..” and “If that happened to me, I’d do…” I learned that you can not judge someone’s decisions or journey. While I was judging others, I had a fear of being judged. I had to put that fear down and learn to live as a flawed but beautifully authentic person.
I had to slay my tongue. (Actually, I am still fighting this on.) I learned that the childhood saying – “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” – is a lie. Words hurt. Words linger and have power. Words can eat away at the soul of your spouse. As a wife who wielded words like a sharpened sword, I learned the power of staying silent. Of allowing my spouse to make a mistake without saying “I told you so.” I learned the power of speaking words of praise and love. I learned how important it is to sometimes lose an argument but gain harmony in the home.
I had to kill my idea of what my marriage could be or what my spouse could become. I mistakenly thought that pushing my marriage and mate to be their best was my job. And part of that is true. But not at the expense of appreciating where they are right now. I have to love my husband exactly as he is right now and encourage him forward, but not nag him forward.
I had to battle my false idols. I had to quit worshiping material things, my kids, and my spouse. In my darkest hour I had to seek God and rely on Him. I had to get to the point to where I honestly believed. And once my faith in God was restored and I was seeking Him, everything else fell into place.
I can say I am a better wife now, than I was 3 years ago. The reason I can say that is because I am a better person now than I was 3 years ago. And I had to go through the proverbial valley to learn to deal with my demons. Someone once asked me “knowing what you know now, if you had to do it all over again, would you? The pain? The tears? All of it?” That question made me pause.
While I wouldn’t rush to sign up for the agony, I’d like to think I would go through it again if those 3 years of hell were minor speed bumps on an 80 year loving covenant. But I would rush to do it again, if I knew that the painful lessons have made me really get to know myself and more importantly, my Father. For Him, I’d gladly repeat the class.
Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.
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I have been married for almost 25 years, two years ago we were having a few problems as my husband had been out of work for almost 2 years, he finally got a new job and I thought things would improve between us, I have a very well paid job so we did not struggle financially but we had drifted apart. I began to notice changes in him, turned out he was having an affair with a woman at work, she really did a job on him, telling him that I was obviously getting 'it' elsewhere as I wasn't sleeping with him. She started giving him bj's at work, classy huh! Anyway, the affair lasted a whole 5 weeks, I confronted him after 3 weeks and asked him to leave our home. He promised to go to his family and come back in a few days to talk some more. He went to his whore's brothers house. I immediately remortgaged our home in my own name as we have two children and I needed to protect them. He begged me to take him back after being away from me and our children for two weeks and I agreed, this was short lived as he obviously still had feelings for her so I threw him out again, this time he went to his family. he asked again to come home 3 weeks later and I realised that I was still in love with him. In June 2012, she rang me at work to tell me that she wanted to speak with my husband as she was expecting twins, I flipped with him, he told me that she denied that he was the father when she first told him, this was just after he came home the first time around. Anyway she eventually spoke with him on the phone while I was present and she stated 'these twins are nothing to do with you so put your wife's mind at rest' he thanked her and hung up. In June this year he received a telephone call from the CSA and was called for a DNA test, I found out yesterday that these twins are his and I don't know what to do. I'm already receiving counselling which helps but this is a whole new level of pain. I cannot even consider these twins being part of my life and I have told him this, he replied that this is not what he wanted, if she had told him in the first place he would have told her this but she always denied he was the father, said it was her husband, who by the way dumped her when he was told of her affair, this she blames me for! It was not me who started the affair now was it? I did not tell her husband but I did contact him after receiving a message from someone I don't know telling me about him, he did deserve to know, poor sap hadn't got a clue. Anyway, she has now moved house, left her job and is claiming child support. I have no idea how I will cope or even what to say to my husband anymore. The past few days have been very emotional and I have struggled to put one foot in front of the other, my husband doesn't want us to split, he told me that he cannot believe what he has done, destroying the only woman who has been there for him for half his life, who has stood by him and never once let him down, he says he loves me and that he has always loved me, I don't believe him because I could never be unfaithful to him and believe me I've had plenty of offers. It's horrible, I've now got friends and family asking what I'm going to do and I really don't have a clue. One day at a time is all I can manage at the moment.
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I do not understand how or why Neysa is giving false hope of restoration and writing these articles like her husband is not still cheating. Some people would rather live a lie than face the truth. It wouldn't matter if he brought home another set of twins or HIV. You are committed to being his fool. At this point, you must be too humiliated to admit what really goes on. I feel so sorry for you.
I admire your faith. My husband cheated on me after 4 years of marriage and two small children. He moved us across the country for a job and had a three month affair with a woman at his work. He kept it a secret for the last three years. Six months ago we were at a crossroad in our marriage and were deeply committed to making changes and being better and more loving to one another. We wanted to make our marriage a Godly marriage…one that lasts for a lifetime. He confessed. He told me what he did. It killed me. Six months later I am still slowly dying inside. I forgave him after three days of severe mourning…I accepted him as my husband and told him that I took a vow and with the Lords strength I could love him through the "hard stuff" too. We have had good days, bad days, and horrible days. But lately for me…they have just been very, very sad days. I feel like I used to be youthful, beautiful, silly, a good mother, a good homemaker, energetic, ready for the day, full of hope and dreams and happiness. Full of trust for my husband. Now I feel I am none of those things…I struggle everyday. I hurt so deeply from the pain I am in with learning of this affair. I hate what he did. I am not with my husband for the sake of the children…I am with him because he is my husband and I love him. I am with him because God wants me to honor him always. But the PAIN. The feeling of tears just under the surface at all times….the feeling of my throat closing as I do the dishes and merely think about what has happened. The nights I lie awake because if I close my eyes I see them together like a 24/7 movie playing in my head. The days I lay in bed knowing that I am neglecting my children as they make themselves cereal in the morning. I used to be up with the sun, I used to be ready to conquer the day, I used to look forward to my husband coming home. Now I feel heartache…I feel betrayed…I feel humiliated…I feel worthless. How could he throw me away like that? Now with every breath I am waiting for the pain to fade. Everyone says "this takes time to heal from". Well, Im waiting…everyday I am waking up hoping this is the day that it gets a little better. I want to love my husband. He loves me…I know he does. He has been really quite wonderful since telling me of his affair…he wants to make things better. He wants to be a Godly husband and father. He wants to love me the way I need to be loved. But I cannot receive it right now. How can I seek comfort and love from the same person that hurt me and neglected me for so long? I need prayers…I know that God gave me the ability to forgive something that in the flesh seemed unforgivable. But when will I stop feeling so sad? Its too much…its just so hard.
i would love to know how you are doing for my story is some what like yours. i just found out that my husband had an affair a year ago, he claims it was brief and he decided he could not continue yet he remaied "friends" with her they been knowing each other. i asked him to leave the home and he is finding every reason not to. the funny thing is i am hurt but have not reached a place of anger. we have been together for 15yrs- married 13 and just like you i cant close my eyes for the vision is too painful i feel i need time to myself to get my thoughts together but he is pleading and very very remorseful begging for me to forgive. i do feel he is truly sorry BUT i made a promise to myself to NEVER deal with cheating (p,s. i was very disconnected from my husband for the last year and a half so while i dont excuse his behavior i kind of know why this happened
Kick that son of a gun to the curb! I just dont' think that people every trust there mates after something like this, so keep it real with yourself and move on. If my wife were to cheat on me, I would not stay with her because i would loose respect, and would not try to trust her. http://www.blackconvo.com
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She doesn't trust him. She can't. I went through this once and I had him calling me from point A to point B to check his whereabouts, sending me text pics, checking in and out, examining phone bills, check stubs… you name it, i did it! I finally let him go because I claimed to the world that my marriage was "restored" but I knew in my heart that I did not trust him… and probably never would. She needs to open her eyes and see whats really going on.
what a great article! i have never had this experience (that i know of!), but i totally get it! all crossroads give us an opportunity for growth…. and it's not just that "i'm tougher now" type of growth that makes us feel we've moved forward and bitter in a sense…. it's that INNER WORK… it's that shifting from our beliefs that no longer serve us to experiencing SPIRIT in the present moment, and allowing all of this to move us forward…. thanks for being so open with your sharing… you have given a lot of people permission to heal…
p.s. gaining clarity and facing demons doesn't mean that everyone will come to the same conclusion that this author did with her marriage… it just means that who you are, and how you show up as SPIRIT will be stronger/better/lighter…. and that may just mean walking out the door..
much love and joy
In all honesty…at this point in my life…I wouldn’t be able to do that. I would divorce as fast a I can and get him for all he’s worth. Then I would give the crap I get out of the divorce (be it money, the house, etc.) to charity (because I really don’t want his crap) and start fresh. It would be better that way too, as I wouldn’t be able to accept his affair’s “parting gifts”. Despite my huge love for kids, I couldn’t lift a finger for those kids (probably wouldn’t be able to even look at them) I’ve gone through stuff in my childhood that’s already got my trust off it’s hinges.As a result, I’ve got a “strong spine” (a stubborn one too). Also, I heavily believe in the saying that “real men don’t cheat” as I’ve observed this through life thus far. There is no excuse for being a slut. He didn’t trip and fall in her (over and over and over…)…he willingly & happily did it…then went “oops”. Way too many affairs going on. It’s becoming a “well everyone’s doing it so I can” situation. Unacceptable.
She sounds delusional. Probably staying to spite the other woman or because she can’t make it on her own. Nothing strong about this woman at all. We all know it but simply want to couch it under you go girl support. Meanwhile in reality, she is the laughing stock of her family.
God will bring you through but you’re in this based on your decision to stay, not because this is what He wanted for your life. You’re too afraid to demand respect so you write a post hoping to find some. We see through it.
I'm with you, Laila.
I believe in being open-minded and not being overly judgmental, but there are some things that should not be tolerated. Forgiven? Maybe. Tolerated? No.
I don't know this person or why she has decided to accept this kind of disrespect, but I guess everyone makes different choices. I won't judge her for that. She is making the best of a bad situation. But as a married woman, I can speak for myself.
Personally, I'm faithful to my husband. I expect the same from him 100%. I deserve to be treated with respect. I'm not perfect but I love my husband. I try to make things work. If there is even a hint that he has been unfaithful or is currently being unfaithful, it's over. I don't want to hear excuses. That will be the end. We don't have children, so there is no need to "stay together for the kids".
My parents divorced when I was a child because of my father's infidelity. He went on to have children with other women. Infidelity often has consequences. It doesn't always result in children, but it always leads to emotional pain. I have the sense that the author somehow blames herself for what happened. All of this makes for very lovely and inspirational reading, but it's not realistic.
No disrespect, just my opinion.
Infidelity is a very hard blow to a marriage, especially when a child has been conceived due to that infidelity. While it happened to me, I would not want that to happen to anyone, and I know that she's saying that it's a lesson learned, but that's a hurtful situation and I really don't know if one truly get completely pass that kind of pain. I tried to work my marriage out after I found out that my ex-husband cheated and had a daughter, but the fact that I did attempt to make it work after he did such a thing, made him continue to abuse the situation. …at the end of the day, the marriage ended in violence and abuse. And that was after counseling and continued efforts to make the marriage work. So while I may understand where the writer is coming from, I won't say that it's something that I would want to go through again.
THIS GIRL IS SAYING SHE IS PREGNANT WE HAVE NO PROFF. THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER. I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE THIS! IT HURT LIKE NO OTHER PAIN. I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO LET GO AND PUT THIS BEHIND ME! SO WE CAN MOVE ON. I WANT TO BE HAPPY BUT IM NOT. I LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT WHEN I LOOK AT HIM I FIND MYSELF BEING ANGERY WITH HIM! I TOLD HIM WE WOULD WORK IT OUT BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW. WE ARE GOING TO COUSELING EVERY WEEK BUT I STILL CRY AND ASK QUESTIONS! HOW LONG DOES THIS FEELING LAST? THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TELLING YOUR STORY! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME GOD IS ALL WE HAVE!
hello you can get past this, its happened to me and so many other people. at the time my husband cheated with his ex and conceived a daughter at the same time i was pregnant with our 2nd child also a girl. after alot of years of screaming cursing and fighting we moved past it. time heals all wounds, and believe me he suffering also. if you want to save your marriage you can. good luck.
YOU HAVE REALLY GAVE ME HOPE! MY HUSBAND CHEATED ON ME AND IT 'S BEEN A NIGHTMARE! I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS BAD IN MY LIFE. IT FEELS LIKE DEATH BUT IM STILL ALIVE! I CRY ALL THE TIME NOW CAUSE I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT WHEN WE BOTH HAD CHANGED OUR LIFE FOR THE BETTER.. WE MADE A CHANGES TO GET MARRIED AND WALK WITH GOD ALL THE WAY! WELL HE FALL OFF AND IT HIT ME HARD BECAUSE I WAS LOOKIN G FOR HIM TO NEVER DO THIS IN OUR MARRIAGE .BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING AT HOW HE WAS CHANGEING IN THE LORD. SO I JUST KNEW I COULD TRUST HIM BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T HURT ME NOW WE ARE IN CHURCH HEVEY AND SAVED. HE KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT MARRIAGE BUT HE DIDN'T CARE! WELL I WAS WRONG TO THINK JUST BECAUSE HE WAS PRAISEING GOD EVERY TIME THE DOORS WAS OPEN THAT I COULD TRUST THEY HE WOULDN'T BE WITH ANYONE . I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE IN THE CHURCH, IF THE DEVIL WANT YOU AND YOU NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO TELL HIM NO HE WILL FIND A WAY IN. YOU WILL FALL AND HE WHEN WIN MY HUSBAND SAY THIS IS THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD AND THATS WAY YOU SHOULDN'T BREAK THE VOWS IT'S DARK ON THAT SIDE AND HE ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT BACK INTO THE HOUSE OF THE LORD BUT GRACE AND MERCY
I discovered my husband cheated on me two years ago when I received a phone call from his ex girlfriend telling me she needed to speak with him because he fathered her child. I was silent for a few minutes on the phone but I started asking questions. The answers she was giving me started to make since. This was done while I was carrying his child. So I was dealing with that news and also dealing with the fact my husband had a drug problem as well. When he would get paid, he would go out and smoke crack. I kept this stuff private from my family members and children. I really didn't know how to deal with it.
Later on after we talked about and I thought I could handle the situation, and try to put it behind me. But more things started to happen. Because I started snooping around his emails and phone, he was joining websites and sending females his private part and they would send them to him. I was done, but like a dummy forgave him once more and tried to put it behind me again. We ended up moving to Florida to start over and when I got here, I saw another message from some chic with her vagina staring me right in the face!……
Now, I'm having seconds thought of trying to stick it out and putting the past behind me. I should've left when the opportunity was there. But life has a funny way of showing you the cards of reality and I know the opportunity is gonna come sooner than later, I know it is. I will be prepared to leave and live a life without anyone being unfaithful to me.
I’m currently battling infidelity in my marriage as well. My husband told me a yr ago that he wanted a divorce and was pursuing another relationship. Since that day my relationship with God has grown tremendously and all the things I once said I would do if ever in this situation have never came true. I’m shocked sometimes myself but I’m still praying and believing God for our marriage. Were still married and I pray thru God’s grace and mercy we remain that way.
Thank u for sharing…it gives me hope!
Interesting, when I first read the title of this article I was confused, I was like, say what? After reading the entire article I understood what you were saying. I'm happy that you've faced your demons, life's lessons are a blessing, I do get that. I don't know if I could stay, I think I'd take the lessons that he came to teach me and move forward with my new self. Infidelity is hard enough on relationships without children being a factor. I met a lady at work yesterday who confided in me and told me her husband had an affair, he is 55 and had a baby by a 29 year old crack addict, and he is looking at her (his wife) to raise this child, she was sad, devastated, and angry as hell. She said, "I can't do it, these should be our happy years, I put up with my husband stepping outside the marriage before, and this here is way more than I can handle," I didn't know what to say, I just listened. God Bless you and your family, and I wish you the best.
Wow. This is inspiring, and yet on time. I discovered a couple of years ago that my husband had cheated on me, and it was for reasons that could've been worked out-had he just opened up to me. While he is trying to earn my trust back, I am trying to leave. I commend you for being brave enough to work it out and stay-but I personally cannot say that my husband cheating made me a better person-in fact it made me a bitter person, that does not want to be bothered with him any longer.
My husband cheated on me this past Christmas.. It truly hurt me and made me a very bitter woman.. I felt like @ 21 after 3 years of marriage and two babies, I deserved better!.. but after I yielded myself…and my marriage to God… I became a better wife and although we still have our issues.. I always keep in mind that I do ALL things to please God! So even when it’s tough I can still be a great wife! And now as a result of much fasting and praying he is a better husband to me! Rememver that all things are possible through God!
Yes im a better women for it. I got rid of my husband and replaced him with God. Thats where i should have been in the first place!
I can say this hit home in such a strong way. My husband cheated and left me, but in him doing that I was made to deal with my own problems and issues. I am such a better woman and truly see that God will turn every situation for your good. After 2 years we are back to being the best of friends even though we are still not a couple. The storm I went through made me who I am now and I love him for it
Wow not sure if I could stay if kids were produced… I think I could work through the infidelity but all the extra variables…kids, std's, stalking sounds all too much. Im sure I would feel not only did you break our vows but you didnt have enough sense to protect me from diseases and all this other drama buy not protecting me… Im the innocent party and you did nothing to cover me and your household..
i feel just like you! im going through the worst time of my life right now. my husband cheated on me and now their might be a baby. the girl want answer my calls, so i don't know the truth. she told him she was and his cousin said it was ture, but she don't like me. so i don'r know if ske just want me to hurt more. i need to know cause im so hurt all i do is cry. i been praying and trying to work this thing out with him but its bad enough that he done the cheating part but a BABY! I just don't know how to handle this one! i don't want to let the devil win but im so hurt i need my mind to be clear from wondering! this is the worst feeling in the world for me! please pray for me and i will do the same for you all! " katherine"
I Agree with you Denene, lets leave it to our almighty, maybe he has a plan…
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We all say what we would do until we are smacked in the face with the situation. Twins? I admire your desire to hold your marriage together. Cheating can be devastating, but if the two people want to rebuild they can. I am so glad it worked for you. My marriage didn't survive but not for my lacking of trying.
Good for her !!!
That’s her journey and I’m glad she shared it with us.
Personally all the self reflection and growth would occur without her husbands cheating on her.
We all should reflect and strive for growth in many areas of our lives.
Your story is very humbling. Thank you for sharing this…I couldn't help but cry while I was reading it because I am currently traveling this road. Thanks sis for encouraging me to hold on.
Wow, very inspiring. You're words are exactly how I have felt and am still feeling. I recently learned that my husband had an affair. I 'm working towards forgiving him and moving forward. Love cannot be turned off when your loved one hurts you. Though it was ultimately HIS lack of self control; I am learning that I have to take responsibility for my faults and do my part in making our lives together fulfilling. I am a praying wife and will continue to pray.