I Choose To Fight For My Marriage: A Story About Facing Infidelity

By Terry Ross

The crushing blow came after 10 years of marriage, infidelity had struck again. For society as a whole it was nothing new marriage after marriage is destroyed by infidelity but it’s different when it strikes so close to home.

The first few days were the hardest the days after someone had felt the need to let the secret about the infidelity out and after he had finally had to come clean about the affair. It wasn’t even that he didn’t even love her, he said, he didn’t want their marriage to be over, he had never meant for it to happen.

She was devastated, she couldn’t think straight, she couldn’t eat and she couldn’t sleep. Infidelity, how could he do this to her, how could he sleep with someone else and then come crawling back into her bed.

Her mother looked after the children for a few days, just to give her time to think and protect them from the trauma. She just had to have space, time to come to terms with what had happened. For some infidelity might not seem such a big deal but she was shocked, she had no idea what was going on, she thought she was happily married, she felt emotionally destroyed, as if her world was going to end, she was grieving for her loss.

It was days before she could pull herself together enough to try and think about what she should do. She’d been married for so long she felt like her right arm had been ripped off. Infidelity hits people in different ways, some angry, some calm acceptance while others are stunned, she was stunned into shock.

It was a while before she felt she could ask the question ‘why’, she needed to know to try and understand what had happened, why it had happened, why an affair, why she wasn’t enough. If she was to move on and survive infidelity she had to get some answers.

Apparently it just happened, a common enough answer, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and in a moment of weakness he gave into temptation. He said the affair was over, it was a short fling, it didn’t mean anything, he would never do it again, he loved her and he would do anything to save their marriage. He pleaded with her to forgive his infidelity.

She had a hard choice to make:

• firstly did she believe him,
• secondly could she ever trust him again
• thirdly was she capable of forgiving infidelity

He said he still loved her and she knew that a week ago she was happily married and loved him. She knew she could forgive him almost anything, but infidelity, it was asking too much. She thought long and hard, she considered the children, she thought about life without him and remembered the good times they had together and then she thought about him in bed with another woman. The same image came popping back into her head like a never ending nightmare.

It was a few weeks later when she finally decided that they would give it another go. In her heart of hearts she knew he wouldn’t have gone looking for someone else to jump into bed with. She knew infidelity would be really hard to forgive but he promised that he would never look at another woman again and deep down she did believe him.

She decided to enlist some help, just so that she had support and guidance on how to survive infidelity. It might seem strange to some but she really needed someone to tell her to do this and do that, in her mind it made it less personal, more of challenge rather than a crisis.

For her the right approach was to save her marriage, for her, for her kids and for the family but it only worked because she made a conscious decision that she could and would learn to forgive infidelity and learn to trust him again.

5 Reasons Why A “Work Spouse” Is A Bad Idea….Especially When You’re Married.

By Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at

If you’re not careful and intentional about guarding your marriage, working “closely” with a co-worker for five, six, or seven days a week can definitely cause some serious issues in your relationship.  Truthfully, there may be true chemistry between you and your colleague…a chemistry that feels like a distant memory in your marriage.  It’s not abnormal to be attracted to someone other than your spouse especially if you’re experiencing an empty, lonely, and touch deprived relationship at home.  Hell, even if all your needs are met by your boo it’s still within the realm of possibility that you may get caught up spending a little bit more time at somebody’s desk, or having corner of the cafeteria “lunch meetings” when you know you ain’t right.  Sure it’s not right…but it’s happening.  Folks we’re here to let you know 5 Reasons why the work spouse thing is not a good idea.

1.  You Are Married: You made a commitment to your spouse and to your marriage (and it probably wasn’t packed with a whole bunch of “only if he/she” contingencies)

2. You Have Children: When..not if but WHEN your husband/wife finds out your relationship will be Fu@!ed UP.  And having a Fuc$ed Up relationship creates a greater chance of having Fuc$ed Up children.

3.  You don’t have a bullet proof heart:  You might wanna classify it as just a booty call or a piece of lunch meat…but fam when the heart is involved it becomes more than that.  And more often than not…when THE HEART BECOMES INVOLVED and that’s when the HEAD & HEART BEGIN TO HURT.

4. No Job No Money:  Many places have strict policies as it pertains to office romance.  It’s not a good look to lose your income over something that’s fleeting.  Having sex in the elevator, the car, the closet, or on your desk may be an exciting idea….but is it really worth it when your bare ass is sitting on a pink slip and got some “splainin” to do when you get home?

5.  Your Secret Is Everybody’s “Secret”:  If you think he or she ain’t gonna share with somebody about the “pick me up” they’re getting during the day…you’re a damn fool.  Loose lips sink ships and it’s only a matter of time before somebody and then the wrong body (your spouse) finds out.  Trust…we’ve seen it happen over and over and over again counseling couples.

What’s up y’all we are Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at….a married couple that has been together since high school. Yup…high school sweet hearts. We have five incredible children…who keep us on our toes all the time : ) We are relationship therapists, coaches, and experts that have been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network, Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers, TV One, and other media outlets. We are helpers…we are healers….and we are here to serve you.

If you or someone you know would like to have INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES coaching from us please CLICK HERE

 

Healing Is A Process….Let’s Begin

By Ayize Ma’at

While sitting across the room from a couple, I watched his fidgety movements shout an ensnaring tale capturing a 27 year history of hesitation.  His ambivalence didn’t begin with her….however she views herself as the VICTIM of his indecision, his restlessness, his wandering eye…his failure to fully commit to her.  Her pain cast a cloudy glow around her that she’s been trying to shake for years.  His shame oozes from his pours…he doesn’t know how to shelter his soul from the storm that’s been hovering above him for years.  He hides…she hides.  They both are tormented…they both are torn…they both are hurt.  As they sit before us…in silence…in tears…in rage….in hope…we watch the subtle dance of healing begin.

If you’d like to have a session with Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at CLICK HERE.

Emotional Infidelity Is Just As Dangerous As Physical Infidelity

By Dale L. McClure

Most would usually think that emotional infidelity is less serious than physical infidelity but both share the same devastating effects as having a physical affair.

It can in fact elicit forbidden relationships especially when you are too attached with an individual other than your spouse. Emotional infidelity comes in when one’s emotional needs are unmet.

This leads to the association of an individual with someone other than his or her spouse. A person committing emotional infidelity “appears” to not even have the slightest idea that he is committing such forbidden acts.

There are too many justifications that the signs of impending danger are often overlooked.

Emotional infidelity is much more profound than physical infidelity. Ever heard of the adage “there is nothing so seductive as that which is forbidden”?

With physical infidelity, it is easy for a man or a woman to get over the situation.

Both can be considered cheating but with emotional infidelity the betrayal is kept hidden. When you fantasize about someone or you have lustful feelings toward someone it can grow into something more serious that may put your marriage at risk.

This happens when you see the person you are fantasizing about on a daily basis and you seem to be so attached with each other. Physical infidelity takes place when you hold hands, touch or kiss.

There are warning signs of physical and emotional infidelity and these are something you should watch for if you want to save your marriage.

Since physical infidelity is rooted from emotional infidelity, you should pay heed first to the signs of emotional infidelity and this may include:

• Emotional infidelity usually begins through friendship. This may take place at the workplace or even through a chat room.

Wherever the friendship started, this is something that you need to control as deep bond of friendship may just lead to something more serious.

If you are going to look at the bigger picture, making friends with the opposite sex may seem to be harmless but it can pose a lot of danger to your married life when you start to withdraw from your wife and prefer your “new found friend’s” company.

• If you spend more time with your “friend” than your wife, this is an obvious sign that you are about to border on emotional infidelity.

If you used to spend the weekends bonding with your family and you start changing plans and prefer to hang out with your “friend” it is high time you assess your feelings.

At first, the meetings are too casual but once you show a sign of disinterest in spending time with your spouse and you become too intimate with the other person, this can lead to physical indulges.

These often take place as means of covering up for the qualities that your spouse lacks.

• If you seem to share details of your married life that are supposed to be kept within your married life, you may also hover on the brink of disaster.

Once you share intimate feelings with the “friend” she will also have the tendency to tell you about her personal problems which also involve her married life.

When confrontation arises, most will defend that they are merely friends when the things that happened were the exact opposite.

• You should also watch out when your spouse mentions new friends and new places that have not been normally a part of his social life.

Watching his daily routines will also be necessary as a cheating spouse is more likely to change his daily routines and behavior.

• Emotional infidelity comes your way when your spouse starts to become too critical about your appearance and he/she no longer finds it appealing to spend time with you.

To avoid emotional infidelity you need to:

Steer clear of situations that may lead to forbidden love affairs.
This means you need to avoid making friends when you think that you cannot control your emotions.

You should know where to draw the line and if self-control is an issue, better avoid developing friendships with the opposite sex by all means.

Heed the warning bells

Physical infidelity will not even take place if you know how to put a stop to emotional infidelity and you can do this by simply heeding the tell tale signs of emotional infidelity. Stop convincing yourself that you are “just friends”.

Get out of the situation while you can because you will not realize that you have already subjected yourself to emotional infidelity until it is too late.

If you think that your relationship shows the above signs of emotional and physical infidelity do not ignore these signs as paying attention to them may actually save your marriage.

If you think that your spouse is cheating on you, do not be afraid to express your feelings. If you feel insecure about your relationship tell him or her about it. It is important that you keep your communication line open.

Discuss your personal concerns and allow your partner to explain his or her side. Shouting at the top of your lungs will not resolve anything. In fact, it can worsen the situation.

You can even talk to a marriage counselor if you think that your married life is already on the rocks. When discussing your problems try to see things in your spouse’s perspective.

Do not underestimate the power of emotional infidelity as this is more dangerous than physical infidelity. If you keep on entertaining sexual thoughts outside your marriage, it can lead to something disastrous.

If you think that your spouse is neglecting you, do not hesitate to tell him or her about it. He/she may not have the slightest idea that you are longing for his/her love.

Both of you may be very busy that you failed to give each other a little loving. Be honest with your feelings if you want to fulfill your emotional needs. If you remain mum about your personal feelings, nothing will be resolved.

You always have to be on the lookout for the signs of emotional infidelity because this can produce more deleterious effects than you know.

He Left Me…Had A Baby…Should I Take Him Back?

Hey family, I met and started dating a guy in 2010 after moving to a new city. We were together for about 6 months and days before our “anniversary” he drops the bomb through text ( how appropriate)that he is moving back to Virginia because “some girl” was pregnant. Well that some girl turned out to be an ex that he was still sleeping with and apparently unprotected because she became pregnant with his child. Being a daughter of the fatherless tribe I would never EVER condon any man , mine or not to abandon his child and responsibilities to be with me or any other woman so I told him she deserved him and that they would make a great family along with a few expletives and other colorful words. For obvious reason I was devastated but eventually got over the ordeal and moved on. Sooo Here it is four years later and he sends me a message on facebook. He said he had something he wanted to say so I gave him permission to call and he apologized and went on and on about how he missed me and how everyone pretty much told him he was stupid for effing up a good situation and how it took him leaving to realize how he messed up and moreover how he really broke my heart. The thing is we were both fairly young ( 19 and 20) not that immaturity is an excuse but nevertheless I’m appreciative that his immaturity was revealed before I invested more feelings into him. I wont make excuses for him because of how the situation went down and the total disregard for my feeling or our relationship, however i cant ignore what we used to have. I don’t want to be thirsty 😉 but I don’t want to be the type of person that can move on but can’t forgive and trust. He contends that he still loves me and wants to eventually marry me and have a family with me but at this point I can’t trust that brutha as far as I can throw him. I can’t shake the phrase ” once a cheater always a cheater” and the fact that some men feel like a baby mama is a lifetime “fallback” . I refuse to join a “league of baby mamas” as I know I deserve more than that but I also recognize that people grow and evolve, I guess it’s matter of patience to see if he serious or not. My question is one am I being thirsty for even considering that I might one day take back a man that had a baby on me, and or should he even be given another chance. At this point I want to safe guard my heart and I don’t want to be made a fool, but the love was never lost… HELP Y’ALL!!!
Signed,
Sincerely dazed and confused

 

Your Partner May Cheat On You IF ……

By Dr. Jeremy E. Sherman

You’re in love now, and doing great–so great that you consider committing forever. But forever is a long time, and you know feelings can change. You’d love to commit, but not if your partner is going to rip your heart out and stomp on it, adultery-style.

Blind faith in your partner’s pledged faithfulness sounds virtuous, but is impractical. Instead you find yourself trying to step out of today’s romantic haze to calculate the odds: “Twenty years out, am I in for a heart-stomping?”

What factors go into a calculation like that?

Factors too numerous to mention. Of course gender, since men and women have different cheating styles; attractiveness, since the hot are more likely to be invited to cheat; power, since power is an aphrodisiac; extroversion, since those who mingle more widely may tingle more widely. And there’s your partner’s to-do list, since idle hands are the devil’s plaything.

And that doesn’t begin to factor how things might change. How will your comparative looks fade over time? Whose libido will fade faster? Will one of you get clingy and the other restless? Will your partner stay true if you fall ill? Will your partner accept what the ravages of time do to us all eventually, or bolt in search of the fling that reaffirms? How much does your partner declare absolute commitment to integrity and moral principle? And how much can you trust those declarations to be more than lip service?

So many factors, the odds are practically incalculable.

Still, there’s one factor to monitor, that’s often overlooked until it’s too late. People sometimes misdiagnose it as narcissism. It deserves more detailed understanding and appreciation than that.

Partnership is a negotiation over freedom and safety, two qualities of utmost value, all the more so when tethering to each other as tightly as marrying. Ideally, partnership yields ample quantities of both qualities, partners feeling free to be themselves, unshackled, un-oppressed, and partners also feeling safe, well held, secure, not anxious about heart stompings of any sort, including the adulterous kind.

The sad truth about humans is that, though we’re nice when we feel safe, in a pinch, feeling unsafe or threatened, we tend to release our meanest dogs.

For many of us, the story of our love lives starts with a romantic quest for someone who doesn’t release those mean dogs when threatened. And never finding an exception to that human tendency, we settle into the reality that there will be those dogs from time to time. If we’re self-aware, we discover that even we aren’t exceptions to the human tendency, that we too release our meanest dogs in a pinch.

Not all mean dogs bark yangly. Just as there are different cheating styles, there are different mean-dog styles. Some mean dogs whimper self-pityingly, some take little under/over-the-radar nips, the kiss of death by a thousand cuts (See Yintimidation). There are just so many ways to be mean and we humans have discovered and used them all in a pinch, including focusing on your partner’s style of being mean while conveniently ignoring our styles.

The biggest threat to long term-partnership is stresscalation, a tit-for-tat, arms race in mean-dog tactics, an unleashed, escalating dog fight, two people each feeling unsafe, scrambling for safety and in the process, making each other feel unsafe on purpose, inadvertently or both.

Given that in a pinch, any of us might release our meanest dogs, there’s the potential for those dogfights in any relationship., but with some partners more so than with others, and those are the partners to watch out for.

CLICK HERE to read more.

 

A Letter From The Mistress To His Wife

the Mistress

#1) I got your text today….I was so amused at the questions you asked???
How Could i sleep with a married man??? Do you really think i awoke one morning and said today I will ruin a marriage? Because if you did your dumber then your husband said you were…Does your ignorance allow you to think I approached him?

For the record I approach no man and never have.

#2) You asked…How could I disrespect your wedding Vows?
Ummm For the record I wasn’t the one saying them with you….
I wasn’t the one professing my love for you in front of 100 guest, family and friends.
I believe this question is for the man who broke those vows not me.

Let’s be honest
What do i care about YOUR vows?

#3) You asked how could I live with myself for wrecking your happy home?
Now this will be my pleasure to respond too…Do u think i was the only one?
Do you think I am the first? If you do… don’t read any further then this…

If you want the truth continue reading…

When he took me out to dinner the waiter knew his name…
When the flowers were delivered to my job the delivery guy said he always sends the prettiest ones.
When we went to the hotel his secret CC was on file.

So much for your happy home

#4) You questioned how do i live with myself??? Where is my self respect? Now hold on to your seat belt you’re about to get an earful….How do u do it? How do u look in the mirror every morning comb your hair and brush your teeth and care for his children? cook him his breakfast possibly even pack him his lunch,,,When you know in heart he is loving someone else…

How do you function in life selling yourself short? why do u stay??????? For the kids???? That’s a lie…You stay because you feel so inadequate to leave!!!! OMG!!!! begin again Ohhh Geez might have to get a job….O NOOOO for the love of God I might have to like me again.

Where is YOUR self respect how can lay next to man who desired the flesh of another women…How do u lay next to man who told another i love u…How do look in your child’s eye and let them see you settled as second best????(THAT’S RIGHT YOU’RE SECOND BEST BECAUSE IF YOU WERE HIS ONE LOVE HE WOULDN’T HAVE SEEKED ANOTHER)

Where is YOUR self respect??? Don’t blame me cause you kept him…THAT WAS YOUR CHOICE…He thought you respected your self more and was hoping you were going to be the one to walk away but instead you stayed. Now take what you get and don’t judge me…Look at the man you kept.

Join Us Tonight at 9pm EST And Learn How To Heal Your Relationship When Someone Has Cheated

An affair of any sort can have a devastating effect on a relationship. Although the common misconception is that the most affected person is the one that was cheated on, that is not always true. The person who cheated has a lot of personal changes to make if the couples decides to stay together and weather the storm. The healing process is an emotional one and takes some real work from both people

Most people don’t know what to do or where to begin. Not to worry. We will show you HOW TO BEGIN the process of reconciliation.

Is it difficult? Yes. Impossible? Absolutely not. Bring your wine, click the link below and join us tonight at 9pm EST and we will show you how to heal your heart from the hurt of infidelity.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/115322807699470470126/events/c2d4n52ci9cvq5vv2iip46rb5p4

Are You A Slave In Your Relationship? It’s Time To Get FREE!!

The moment you begin to rationalize infidelity and make it a “normal” part of your relationship….your relationship is OVER.  When your feelings about his/her adultery are dismissed and trivialized to the degree where you begin to “accept” the other wo(man)…you are doing yourself a major disservice.  STOP IT!  Stop being a slave in your relationship.  It’s time to mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and maybe even physically GET FREE!!!

If this is you and you know you need help but don’t know who to turn to….CLICK THE LINK BELOW and let us guide you on your journey to healing.

http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/black-marriage-services-take-a-class/relationship-coaching-counseling-1/

 

5 Conditions That Make Your Relationship Affair Prone

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By Dr. Richard Nicastro

An affair takes an enormous emotional, physical and spiritual toll on any committed relationship. The very foundation that a relationship is built upon–trust, commitment and loyalty — are shattered, and the post-affair relationship is sometimes unsalvageable because the sense of betrayal runs so deep.

In most instances, affairs don’t happen without warning signs. The person contemplating an affair doesn’t wake up one morning and on the spot decide to betray his/her partner. Becoming affair-prone occurs gradually, and often people are unaware that the seeds of infidelity are being planted.

It is impossible to accurately predict if a person will decide to cheat on his/her partner. There are, however, certain conditions that, if set in motion, can lead to you or your partner becoming affair-prone.

Despite our best intentions at the start of the relationship, under certain circumstances (sometimes painful, extenuating ones), almost anyone can be vulnerable to having an affair. Therefore, becoming aware of the conditions that lead to this vulnerability should be a priority for all relationships.

5 conditions that can make you or your partner affair-prone:

A misunderstanding of normal relationship phases

All relationships and marriages go through a series of changes, some painful. For instance, relationships often begin in the honeymoon phase, where excitement, passion and an intense connection with your partner is the norm. Around the two-year mark (this varies from couple to couple), your relationship leaves this blissful phase and enters a stage where conflict and disagreements are more likely. The personality differences between you and your partner become more apparent and you may find that the relationship is starting to feel like a series of painful compromises and negotiations. It is easy to feel disillusioned and affair-prone at this point, especially if you misinterpret these inevitable changes as evidence that you’re with the wrong person.

Avoidance of important issues

Failure to address issues that are important to you or your partner can erode intimacy and cause you to feel lonely. It is a painful irony to feel alone while in a relationship that is meant to offer intimacy and connection. Lily from San Diego described the destructive effects of avoiding important relationship issues:

“I told my husband over and over that I felt ignored by him. I wanted to spend more time with him every day, and I needed him to be more affectionate with me. But every time I tried to talk to him about this, he became angry and said we have a good relationship and there is nothing to complain about. Over the course of our three-year marriage I began to develop a close friendship with a male coworker and I started fantasizing about being with him. I felt trapped.”

Ignoring each othe’s needs has a cumulative effect–feelings of neglect, hopelessness and resentment slowly build and drive a wedge between you and your partner. When your needs continually go unmet and a sense of futility sets in, you will be vulnerable to having your emotional and physical needs met outside the relationship.

Becoming passive about passion

The passion between you and your partner will not remain steady throughout the life of the relationship. Very often relationships start in sexual overdrive. Over the years, this degree of passion levels off and you may find that the practicalities and mundane aspects of life have replaced the intense fire that once existed.

If the physical and sensual aspects of your relationship are ignored for extended periods of time, your relationship will suffer. If you believe that your relationship should remain spontaneously passionate, without effort (like when you and your partner were first dating or married), then you erroneously believe that the sexual energy that once existed cannot return. It may feel that the only path back to passion is outside of your relationship. The antidote to this affair-inducing mindset is for you and your partner to actively take steps to increase the passion in your relationship, something all couples must do at some point.

The opposite-sex “friend” phenomenon

When you prefer to get your emotional needs met from a “friend” of the opposite sex, rather than your partner, you have moved into an affair-prone danger zone. There are several reasons why you may take this path: the friend gives you the attention you no longer receive from your partner; this friend supports and affirms you in ways your partner used to but no longer does; you feel recharged by any feelings of physical attraction you may have toward this friend. Friendships should complement your marriage (or romantic relationship), not replace it.

Rule of thumb: If you say things to this friend that you wouldn’t say if your partner were in the room, you’re headed down the road of becoming affair-prone.

Negative relationship role models

For better or for worse, we’ve learned how to be in relationships from observing the unions that surrounded us throughout our lives. If you grew up in a family where loyalty and commitment were top priorities, and conflicts were dealt with rather than swept away, you’re apt to bring these pro-relationship qualities to your marriage or relationship. If, on the other hand, you observed infidelity, deceit and a lack of commitment, you may struggle with similar patterns, especially when your relationship hits a rough spot. This does not mean that you are destined to repeat the same affair-prone behaviors as your parents or caregivers. Awareness of these early negative relationship patterns and remaining mindful of how they influence your behavior will give you the means to creating a committed relationship where intimacy is a priority.

Couples are often faced with any one of the above five issues at some point in the course of their relationship. This is to be expected. However, when most (or all) of these conditions are in place, you (or your partner) have entered an affair-prone danger zone. Become conscious of these conditions and discuss this with your partner. This type of focused, active awareness will help you and your partner uproot affair-prone tendencies and replace them with the seeds of commitment and loyalty.

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