You Have No Valid Reason To Cheat (Part 2)

By Ilex Bien-Aime

Men, like women, cheat for a variety of reasons. Though sex is a large factor in male infidelity, it’s usually bigger than just the physical act. Like women, men love to feel desired. A woman wants to be told that she is beautiful but a man wants you to show him that you find him sexy.

Many women are quick to point out the fact that men are dogs and assume that men cheat because of sex and nothing but sex yet research proves otherwise. One reason for it, according to an article I read on Huffington Post.Com, is that women lose focus on the relationship once children come into the picture. In addition, (although it may not seem like men care), they often step outside of their marriage because their emotional needs are not being met. One of the biggest reasons that a man cheats on his wife is because his mate can sometimes be overly critical of him.

Just as we did not dismiss the woman’s perspective in this equation (No Valid Reason To Cheat Part 1), we cannot dismiss the male side. Women you must take responsibility for some of this. Now truth be told, men cannot physically carry children and cannot physically bring children into the world. We will never truly know the bond between mother and child. I definitely think that men should have a little understanding as far as this is concerned at the same time women must find a way to better balance between the child and her man. I had a friend once tell me that if she had to choose between her child and husband, she would choose her child – this should not be. Re-read your vows and you will see that you vowed to forsake all others for him. Your child is no exception to that rule. No one is asking you to forsake the child either because it is his child also. We just want our quality time.

Ladies, please understand that your husband needs you emotionally more than he shows it. He does not do a lot of talking or crying but the weight of the world is forever on his shoulders. Often times as a man, he feels disrespected at work but he stays the course because his family comes first. He is never truly comfortable because he knows that if something goes wrong within his house, people will blame him. When he feels that he cannot count on you to be there for him, he will seek to find these traits that you once showed him, possibly in the arms of another woman.

Many men feel that their wives are overly critical and as Prince says, “maybe you’re just like my mother, she’s never satisfied.” Often times he feels as if he cannot do right by you. In some ways you knew who he was when you married him and yet you still went ahead with it. Now you are angry because he has not become what you wanted him to be. My wife always says, “men want a woman who will not change and women want a man who will.” Though men should look to improve themselves, it is just as unrealistic for him to change as it is for you not to change. Your man sometimes sees you coveting what others have and though he works his fingers to the bone, you still want more. Because you can’t have some of the fancy things other people have you start talking to him and treating him disrespectfully. He then will start looking to get respect from other women because the odds are somebody out there is willing to take him with the little bit he has. But make no mistakes about it fellas, any new woman will more than likely become what your wife was. She thinks you are great now but she does not sleep with you every night.

It is not a news flash that men love sex. You know the research – men think about sex several times a day. When we finish getting it, we start thinking about when we are going to get it again. But a very valuable point that women miss is that sex is more than just physical for us. When your woman can’t keep her hands off you, it makes you feel as if she thinks you are the sexiest man on Earth. She needs words of affirmation but the man needs her to show it with her actions. Most men know that they can have sex with their wives however, no man wants to feel as if you are doing it out of obligation. To us it’s like you are saying, “ok I will do it today and maybe he won’t ask again for a couple of days”. Ladies you have to remember that in many cases you did change. When you were first dating, you used to do it anywhere and any place – now he feels that he has to make an appointment.

I do not claim to be a marriage counselor and I am trying to find my way in my own marriage. I know for a fact that marriage is hard. Men are definitely from Mars and women are definitely from Venus. Like all couples my wife and I argue and have our own issues. With that being said, I stay true to my vows. They say “for better or for worse” and “till death do us part” as well as “forsaking all others”. I don’t have kids so I can’t speak about the emotional disconnect that comes from that. What I will tell you is that, if you cannot solve that issue yourself, you need to find professional help. When your wife is not being supportive or if she is being overly critical, you need to call her on it. If you can’t figure it out, you need to seek help.

One thing that I do know about women is that they will give you extra loving, if you give them extra attention and care. With that being said, ladies, you have to be willing to step your game up as well. Just as initiating sex does not come naturally to you, holding hands and cuddling does not come naturally to us. Both sides have to make a true effort in this regard.

Lastly, men and women have to learn to be more mature when it comes to marriage. You are not always going to get exactly what you want when you want it. Relationships are hard work. They do not come without challenges and we have to learn to adjust accordingly. Fellas, a woman that you just met will listen to you and she will tell you all of the things that you want to hear. She only knows you for a couple of hours. Trust me, when she really gets to know you, she will probably try to change you also. Under NO circumstance is cheating the way to go. If you air your grievances and you seek counseling and it still can’t be resolved, TRY HARDER! Odds are, the first step that needs to be taken to resolve the issue is that you need to evaluate yourself and change your own ways. There is never a side that is 100%. No matter the issue, when it is all said and done, you have no valid reason to cheat!

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.

8 replies
  1. vicky
    vicky says:

    What about when its the husband that is avoiding the wife and not providing her with anything? It shouldn't be expected that we are always the ones that are not doing what we should. My husband is the one who withholds affection and everything else from me so what's your advice for the wife who is suffering?

    • Smoov
      Smoov says:

      Marriage is hard, marriage is life. I admit that I am not perfect, I never expect my wife to be perfect as well. It's our imperfections that make life & marriage interesting.

      The more important aspect of maintaining a healthy marriage besides communication is the "openness & honesty" within that communication. There have been periods within my marriage where I wasn't completely honest in communicating all of my feelings & thoughts about situations where I knew my wife would have been really disappointed in how I was handling things. Today, I know that I should have been honest – regardless of her response – and that would have made our relationship stronger because she'd know that when times are tough or difficult, she could trust me to tell her the absolute truth.

      We have children & as they grow, we must learn to include their lives into ours. We are also young professionals that still have a long way to go in our own careers. Late workdays are common & we are required to travel for business and be gone for 2 days or more at a time. We have to adjust to these responsibilities when they come up and not expect to have our own personal time for many months on end.

      I admit – after not really seeing my wife for days – I just want her to plant a huge kiss on me & be a little flirtatious (either thru sexy talk or plain ole touchy-feely freakin on me). B'cuz that's all we got time for sometimes, really. And when she doesn't do it – she tired too or distracted with work or PhD courses – I sometimes get upset with her because I need that type of attention from her. Who got energy for sex – I'm bad at quickies (she laughs at me) – hey, it's hard to do something that feels so good so quick, ya know?

      It's an active learning experience – communicating honestly & openly. When either of us feels neglected, we say it and affirm that the feeling is real. And then we find a way to respond accordingly or make a plans to discuss further.

  2. lisha
    lisha says:

    Love to hear a man speak up. Great article.

  3. Cherry dene
    Cherry dene says:


  4. darkechilde
    darkechilde says:

    excellent article and thanks for the advice!

  5. Jamaica
    Jamaica says:

    Excellent article….valid, mature points.

  6. Brandi B
    Brandi B says:

    GREAT article…

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