By Jessica Wakeman
I’ve never been afraid to ask for what I want in bed. The idea that some women can’t ask for what they want, or don’t know what they want in the first place, is foreign to me.
However, I’m well-aware that I may not be in the majority here. Guys have told me other women become self-conscious when asking for something risqué or kinky — and that’s a crying shame. Sexual relationships (any relationships, actually) thrive when you know what you want and can communicate it effectively to your partner clearly. Therefore, I would love to help you out, boys and girls, more so than I already did with my piece “5 Sex Moves Your Woman Wants But Is Afraid To Ask For” (And I apologize for how heteronormative this advice is, but my only sexual partners have been dudes!)
Men, don’t pressure anything here, of course — but if you offer, you may be pleasantly surprised at how enthusiastically she accepts …1. She wants a finger (or something else) in her bum. Some women enjoy pleasure from their back door, while others would prefer to keep that door shut. But even if a woman knows touching that area is pleasurable for her and even if she’s played with that area with another partner, it can be trés awkies to discuss with a new dude. First, she’s scared you’re going to be totally repulsed by the idea. Second, she’s afraid there might be little bits of poo that will gross him out. And last, but certainly not least, she’s aware how sensitive/tight the area is and doesn’t want to get hurt. We all know that when we actually get over our inhibitions in that area and enjoy the pleasure, it can be awesome. Getting there is the trick, though!
How to ask: You need to ask first. Don’t go poking your finger around her no-no hole without asking first because, duh, that’s bad sex etiquette, and also you might put her off-guard. A simple, “Can I touch your anus?” or “Have you ever had someone play with your anus before?” will suffice. (If the word “anus” grosses you out in the bedroom, use another word.) If she hesitates, don’t pressure her, but offer to touch the outside very gently. Ask her if she likes it and if she doesn’t, stop immediately; if she does like it, and you want to do this, ask if you can slide your finger in. You should probably use lube to do this and you should definitely proceed S-L-O-O-O-O-W-L-Y as you slip it in. Y’all can experiment with more fingers/butt plugs/dildos/your penis/etc. from there-on out as you see fit, but you should definitely, definitely, definitely play around with one finger first to start.
2. She wants to be gently choked. I’m not referring to WWE or MMA-style choking here; I am referring to gently cupping your hand below her chin in a dominant, but not dangerous, painful or asphixiating, way. If you press down on her throat or squeeze her throat, you can hurt her; that’s why you should cup, not press. Some people are into really intense sex acts like “erotic asphixiation,” which is something I am not equipped to give advice about. But far more people, I would suspect, are into e gentle choking, which isn’t about asphixiation per se but a show of dominance. Be a dominant sexy dude, not a python! Again, this is not a sex move you should do without asking first!
How to ask: Cupping your hand around a woman’s throat makes her very, very vulnerable. Most women would not let just anybody do it to them. There has to be lots and lots and lots of trust involved here, because obviously you could really hurt her. The good news is that kink is all about trust and if your girl is kinky in bed, you have probably already spanked/restrained/tied her up and she trusts you. So bring it up in the context of other things she likes: “You really love it when I restrain you while we’re having sex. Do you think you’d like it if I choked you gently, too?” If she’s game, then try it lightly at first and together you can find the right intensity/pressure for you both. It’s also a good idea to create a “safe word,” which is something she can say when she wants you to stop immediately. (Sometimes in the heat of the moment people say “Oh, noooo!” when they really mean “Oh, that feels good!” So it’s good if your safe word is something other than “no.”) My safe word is “stop” or “stop now” because it makes my intentions 100 percent clear.
Want to know the other 3 things….CLICK HERE to read more.