By Neysa Ellery Taylor
Recently, I was at dinner with several women. One of the steamy topics of discussion was the fact that ”Tamicka” was being sought after by a new beau. But this beau had one problem – he’s married. Tamicka was quick to point out that he was separated. But the question I asked was, “Isn’t separated still married?”
Tamicka’s friend jumped to her defense and stated that the man was about to be divorced. But me being me re-iterated, “about to be divorced is still MARRIED, right?” Lots of folks are about to be something. Some folks are about to be employed, about to be in school, about to be pregnant, about to be thin, about to be in rehab. About to be speaks to where you want to be, not to where you really are. And this is a dangerous slope when you are talking about many things. If you use the aforementioned examples, those about-to-be folks are currently unemployed, uneducated, without child, fat, and a crackhead.
So here is my question for women: When did it become ok to get romantically involved with a married man? I am not even going to touch on those in committed relationships. For this rant/post I will only talk about married folks. (Cheating boyfriend and girlfriends can relax and take a deep breath.)
Those close to me know that I love Denzel Washington. I mean really love Denzel – from Mississippi Masala to Pelham 123. And I have joked about attacking him if I ever met him. But the reality of it is, he is married and I respect that. Period. End of story.
Ohhh, I hear you whispering, “This must be a recent feeling. She must have gone through something that made her feel this way. Something must have happened.” Well, for the haters let me tell you – call my girls and ask them – my position on this hasn’t changed from the time I started dating to now. Why? Because while I might not of always believed in God’s power, I believed in karma. What goes around, comes around. If you take someone’s husband, then later on someone will take yours. I firmly believe that. This a belief is deeply rooted in my soul. So let’s talk. I’ll calm down. I’ll give every mistress/jump-off /#2 /chick-on-the-side a chance to make their case. So, what do you have to say?
“There’s a shortage of good black men. What am I to do?” Be strong and wait for a single man to come. Have fun with your friends and your life without coveting someone else’s life.
“But he is my soul mate. We were meant to be together. If we had only met first.” Ummm, but you didn’t. So he isn’t your soul mate. Due to the covenant that he made with his wife, their souls are now intertwined. Their destiny’s are connected. Remember that part in the wedding where the pastor says that “let no man put asunder?” Yeah, that included you.
“If his wife was doing her job, he wouldn’t be over here.” Not true. Are some wives trifling? Yes. Are some wives busting their asses to take care of their families? Yes. She could be the best looking, well educated, best lover in the world and he could still act a fool. His missteps are not a reflection of her shortcomings.
“But he is wonderful. He does XYZ.” Yes, he is wonderful. Do you want to know why? Because his wife is washing his clothes. His wife is feeding the kids. His wife is cleaning the house. His wife is taking care of business. You don’t see the day to day activities. You don’t see the husband gassy, or trifling. All the mistress sees is the PR agent. As much as I love Denzel, I know that his greatness is mostly attributed to Pauletta. And my favorite church-going mistress line is this one:
“But I am praying that the Lord will move him from his wife and deliver him to me.” Do you really hear yourself? God isn’t a thief. He will not carjack someone’s marriage for you. What God has for you is for you? Not what God has for me is for you. How did you miss that in church? Pray for your own husband to be revealed.
So let me be nice for a moment. I know women are tired of the crap on the dating scene. Most of my friends are single and believe me, I’ve heard it all. But being lonely, broke, tired, or impatient is no reason to settle for a married man. Did you ever think that your own blessing/soulmate/husband could be around the corner but you are blocking that blessing because of your disobedience? Don’t you want someone all to yourself? That you can spend nights and holidays with? I hope so. I want it for you and I pray that you find it. I really do.
Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.