Top 14 Ways To Build Trust In A Relationship After It’s Been Torn Down
by Aiyana Ma’at Trust is one of the most important ingredients to have in the recipe for a successful and fulfilling relationship. When it’s present issues that might ordinarily be a problem are more easily overlooked, we give our partner the benefit of the doubt, and somehow despite their shortcomings, it’s easier to recognize that our partner is still growing & becoming. But, when trust is absent imaginations run wild, molehills become mountains, and the credit we once gave our partner is now out the door. Let’s face it–a relationship absent of trust is a relationship with far more holes & gaps of vulnerability than one with trust.
And, while we most often think of issues like cheating or infidelity when it comes to trust there are other places in our relationships that can be damaged by betrayal and erosion of trust. We’ve worked with many couples where husbands don’t trust their wives with their goals and dreams because their women consistently minimize or belittle their desires. We’ve heard from so many wives who don’t trust their husbands in the area of providing financial security and stability because their men have not demonstrated what is required to make sure their family’s needs are met. And, what about the hyper-critical partner who seems to only find the negative in every situation—their spouse can’t find the courage to trust them with just being their most true and authentic selves for fear of being so harshly judged. My point–erosion of trust can happen in any number of areas in a relationship and while you may trust your spouse 100% in one area your level of trust may be at , for example, just 25% in another area in the relationship.
In the dictionary (actually on dictionary.com…smile) trust is defined as the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, or surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. If the foundation of trust has been cracked in your relationship and you are the perpetrator who took the sledge hammer to it then feel me when I say this: It is your responsibility to demonstrate in your words & your actions that you are willing to do what is required to help heal the pain you caused and clean up the mess that now sits on the floor of your relationship by any means necessary . That is usually a tough pill for many to swallow but, trust me, it is the most honorable and loving path back to faith, closeness, and understanding. Why is it so tough for folks to understand? Because true demonstration (there goes that word again) that one understands what has been done to the relationship means that the perpetrator MUST sacrifice and, yes, work harder than you had to before. Most people don’t want to lay in the bed that they have made—they just want to move on. Well, it just ain’t that simple. We have to B Intentional about re-creating the trust we once had.
So, of course, you know we’re not going to leave you with out some ways to intentionally build that trust back up. We’ve borrowed this list from YgoY.com and we think it’s a really good start.
Express yourself: Communication, as you might already know, is the most important factor in a marriage. The first way to achieve good communication is a relationship is to express yourself honestly. You need to tell the other person how you actually feel.
Tell your needs: Another way to build trust in a relationship is to say exactly what you want. When you make things clear then there will be more closeness between the two of you. This will lead to understanding and trust.
Trust yourself: Distrust and suspicion usually creep up when there is insecurity in a relation. Trusting yourself and having self-confidence will relax you. This way you can also have faith in your man/woman.
Believe your spouse is competent: Problems come when you do not believe that your partner is capable. The other person can also make sensible decisions. Not trusting him/her will only take them away from you.
Secrets are a strict “No”: Take care not to keep any secrets from each other. Secrets have this nasty habit of surfacing when you least expect. Be open about everything in your life. If you hide something, you are always stressed out about it. Therefore, it is better to let it all hang out.
Don’t listen to rumors: If you go looking for problems, you will find them. Continuously asking your friends and family about your spouse’s character will bring down your relationship. One way to build trust in a relationship is not to entertain or believe in the gossip.
Clarify with the partner: If you happen to hear anything about your partner, then clarify with him/her. Do not jump to conclusions. Assumptions will never help you build trust in a relationship.
Keep yourself occupied: An empty mind is surely a devil’s workshop. Therefore, do not sit idle and think about unnecessary issues. Try to keep yourself busy with hobbies and life. This way you will not have time to take your thoughts seriously.
Do not pretend: How can anyone trust you if you pretend? Be comfortable with who you are and show the same person to your spouse and to the world. Pretense will take your partner away from you. The other person will not be able to make out what your actual real personality is.
Share your experiences and past: When you tell more about your past and the experiences you have had, your relationship will become stronger. Be an open book and your partner will respect you for that. Everyone has a past and your man/woman will understand that.
Be responsible: Guess who people trust at work or in their personal lives? It’s the reliable and responsible person. Do things which establish you as a credible individual. It will become easier for your partner to trust you.
Don’t be unpredictable: Nobody can trust an unpredictable person. Try not to do anything which is not characteristic of you. This might make your partner suspicious. Don’t make the changes too often and all of a sudden.
Make things clear: You and your spouse should sit down and make certain things clear. Know what makes the other uncomfortable. Set boundaries and unwritten rules to keep distrust out of your marriage. If talking to a certain female friend makes the wife uncomfortable, the husband should avoid doing so.
Keep jealousy out: Envy leads to lack of faith in the relationship. Do not be jealous of your partner’s success, popularity or attractive personality. Instead be a part of it. Be proud of it. Do not let the green-eyed monster consume your marriage.
It’s difficult to build trust in a relationship but very easy to break it. Therefore, you must work to save your marriage from it. B Intentional family have you experienced broken trust? How did you and your partner deal with it?
I will promptly knowledge the rss or atom while i are unable to to uncover your own e-mail registration hyperlink and also e-newsletter company. Conduct you’ve every? Generously permit my family know to ensure that I possibly could join. Appreciate it.
@Tammy
Here you go:
[youtube 1DwGMBtJ3QM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DwGMBtJ3QM youtube]
My recent post What Can I Do To Improve In Our Relationship
Can you do a topic on long distance relationships
Long distance Relationships-
Ouch! The “Promise Ring” that might just make it to you.
No! But serious some times these work if there’s a solid plan that both of you agree on. However keep in mind that things can shift between you two. A love need closeness like fire to wood without the two together it’s future can be a blur like the stars so far away.
It takes a commitment from two people whom are willing to meet each other half way 50 / 50 of trust. Without that it, want last. However at some point and time one or the other has to make a choice to either move where you are or you move to he is.
However before you do this make sure you have a back up plan. Things these days has no insurance on them meaning when you live with someone, truly live with them is when you find out who they really are including yourself. Tolerance between to people that never lived under one roof can be very challenging trust me. Very risky but manageable.
Also one more important, very important thing. A women should never just shack up with a man. It tells him that she willing to give the milk without the purchase of the cow, "you feel me" You and he needs a plan A-B and C just incase but never shack up. You will love your self later for it.
Listen! if a grown man ask you to come live with him he needs to make you his wife but first he should be your friend and you get that foundation where it needs to be.
If not, well it's best to not walk into something blindly because what’s really meant for a women is her husband someday not a “Booty “call, Hey! I am just being real here. Sorry for the lingo but I want to be straight with you keep your priority in tact have a plan and by all means make sure he your friend that you really trust.
Good luck
Tammy, We've actually done show on that topic. Here it is…..[youtube 1DwGMBtJ3QM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DwGMBtJ3QM youtube]
My recent post What Can I Do To Improve In Our Relationship
So as Summers goes, nobody knows which way she will dance at midnight “Tee Hee Hee” as she goes, sneaking away so her mother want catch her changing into the clothes she warned her about.
Every second a little girl is born into this world. A place of wonderment and rebirth, this cycle life goes round and round and round and where it stops lets pray that Summers land on her feet.
One day Summers grew up and met a young man name Kyle. Kyle was every girls FanBoy Kids On The Block kind of dude and took nothing serious when it came to women.
Anyways with the mixed messages that our media shove down the younger kids throat almost every 10 minutes in -between programming it’s a wonder why they feel as though sex is first and getting to know someone much later.
Summers got pregnant and he r mother said to her that the days of fairy tales are over it’s time to grow up and put away childish things.
Summers went into her room and locked the door and started to cry. She thought Dam how could I have let this happen to me I barely know Kyle and I hear he’s a dam playboy, But oh he’s so cute though. I am only 15 and everyone is having sex, I mean it’s the end thing (now-ah–days) it seems so why should I be left out.
Later that night Kyle dropped by to say hello to Summers and their little baby “Grindles Bean”, anyways Kyle speaks out of nervousness “So should I get a job now”, “do we have to get married”
Summers is thinking, “You dumb fuck yes I mean we had sex and now we have a little baby “Kyle I BARELY KNOW YOU” and she starts to cry walking away.
Kyle walks out as she’s crying because with Kyle he has no idea of what to do in a situation like this, after all he’s 14 years old and a bit manish like most young boys these days are- they confuse being a man with sleep with girls then brag about it with his friends, Josh and Humpherys SkillzBronze, “Man what a drag”, he’s thinking oh snap! I have to quit school now. Click!
Kyle hops on his bike and off he goes. Thinking, dam I am not ready for this kind of responsibility yet, “Dammitt! why did I do this to myself and for what, I mean it feels good but dam why a kid has to be in the picture, Is it mine.
Ok did you know that we have adults that think and feel just like Kyle and Summers.
WTH are we doing here. We sleep with someone based on how cute they are “OMG” the madness of the sleepful mind when we are not awakened in those moments of lust However Time shifts forward and so do we.
Could this be some of those reasons why we have kids from every walk of life kinda lost among you and me. Could it be this way of thinking in genral are the cause of divorces in our time here and now. It’s almost like a crap shoot you hit or miss. Yo! guess what most that are not on the right tracks are lost feeding into the realities of today as we watch life and our morals fade away.
Summers and Kyle are made of names, However I draw these stories based on write ups about teen pregnancy that lead to to people walking away from responsibility and being accountable in serious situations such as this. Kids and adults alike struggle with their choices based on something of a hat trick of the mind. A song and dance that we do from time to time. I guess this is life and I guess the motions of time shifts forward.
However we can change this by speaking open about the realities of sex and relationships to young boys and girls around the world. After all they are our future rather we like this or not. Dam I wish that someone felt this serious about my and your childhood when I was 14 years old years ago. Man how different like could have been.
The End
Within this past week….Aiyana and I have coached 5 couples that are strugging with issues of trust and communication. The continued dialogue that has occured on our site pertaining to this issue from viewers like Mirrors of Life is genuinely appreciated because it contributes to the forward movement of our community. Aiyana and I would like all of you to know that your voice is valued and that you all are positively impacting the lives of others.
My recent post Sleeping Baby Shot Dead In His Car Seat—How Did We Get Here!!
Cory- you want her to change , but you can't say to her how you know these things. My friend you will dance around this issue until it eat you up inside. My friend you have to be honest with her some how if you really do care and want her in your life.
I am not saying that you do not. But when there are secrets outside of the two people that are dating "look out" all you will have are issues.
If you want peace with this women, you have to come clean regardless. Because it's causing you to think about leaving. So you either change this by opening up to her or it will break apart right before your eyes.
Give her a chance to speak for herself, open up to her lat it all out so that you can move forward with her.
Cory – through the course of people spending time together we should grow as the relationship matures. By not speaking with her open and honestly is only going to back fire on you.
You want to leave and you know why but she doesn't, how fair is this to her.
Think of it this way. What if the shoes were on the other foot, how would you want to be treated, go there and be honest about it to yourself if you really want change.
Cory I Wish You Well.
what if your spouse does'nt trust you because of previous issuses that happened before ya'll met but it's putting a strain on you'll relationship to the point that it might be over.
Cory- Some times when people move on from something that has stained the trust in their hearts it is best that this person heal before moving forward. I lot of us don't stop to think about this because when we, meaning some of us are alone we feel that we need that void filled.
And most times the healing process has not started to heal the person. If you love this person. Express to her to get some help but you have to handle this very carefully because most people that are hurting deep inside with trust issues, some are not able to realize what's going on until it's to late, meaning where you are right now ,ready to leave this person.
Show her real love by going with her to get help. Maybe through you doing this will allow her to open up about it. However you have to if you really love her be understanding of her issues regarding trust.
Now if there's something that you may be doing to spark her, let her know your intentions are on the level but you have to understand that when a person has gone through some for of hurt, most do not get help to heal from the blow/ These things happen.
However before you exit, go with her for help and pray about this with her and let her know that you love her or him my friend good luck to you both
so what if i did that already and she doesn't want to confront the issue with me or by herself
Cory- The question becomes, "is the relationship worth saving" ask yourself this, do you love her enough to call it time out for a time, not just break it off but give each other space to reflect on this and the "what if's" meaning if you two were to call it quits will you to be ok with that and move on.
I am not saying break up with her, However at some point and time something will have to give. This economy that we are all in right now seems to bring out the worst in some of us and you have to be really careful that it's not something related to her under stress or even yourself. I mean there are a ton of things that will trigger us from time to time.
However the two of you should work this out if you really care about one another or you may end up leaving and regretting it later. The door swings both ways once a couple has called it quits.
But if you do this please make sure you did everything within your power to make it known to her that it's hurting your relationship and you are ready to make some serious changes. However you have to handle this with care but be firm about it let her know that it's destructive to your relationship.
Cory – there are people in this world that do not have a trusting heart and these types of people just need to know that you are there for them. But no this. at times when we are dating and if we spent enough time courting. These things show up as red flags along the way as we court the other person before we go into the union of relations.
Through the course of building a foundation with anyone, there are things that you learn during those times that you have to talk about rather then push under the carpet and be honest to one another about what you can deal with and what you just can not deal with.
So when the union is decided from both parties to go forward, you know what to expect from the other. Of course people change depending. But the one thing you can always count on is that solid foundation that was built during the time of courtship.
Listen, my friend! some of us move way to fast when we meet someone that captures our hearts . However it is during those times shortly after , the reality sets in that we start to see certain things that are red flags. At this time we deal with it or we say good by to it.
Again I am not suggesting that you leave this person. I am only sharing some insight with you and I pray that you and this person can find a way to a middle ground about your situation, if it's important to the both of you. But I would try being up front with her and maybe trying therapy again if possible.
Good Luck To You Both
this sounds good…but what happens after the apolgy and verbal acknowledgement of your shortcomings. I was in a relationship with a man that was in touch with his sensative side and I felt like all he did was cry on my shoulder when he should've been handlin his bizness. Now I'm at a point where I'd rather have a soulja than a sensitive man
Queens Eye – This letter I wrote has nothing to do with a man crying on anyone shoulders or being sensitive so to speak. It's all about what we as men have trouble saying to women, but we feel it.
As for what happens after the apology, The point here is – for men and women to come together without being judgmental that most of us bring in situations like disagreements, money and sex which a lot of us handle in all the wrong ways. We argue mentally thinking “I am right” you are wrong” . No I am right, No I have the last say , No you do not I have the last say.
Listen the bottom line here is, This gets us no where, we both walk away losing the ability to communicate effectively as two adults that just could not bring themselves to a solution. I would think the goal should be to walk away with a solution between the two of you not a harsh judgment on one another it could be that simple however we are the ones whom make things difficult.
More times then often, it’s to get back at him or make him pay by holding back which cause a man to react and become someone that he really do not want to be. Again we are here to compliment one another not push each others buttons that causes the union of a relationship to break down over time, til there’s nothing there at all worth fighting for.
And regards to him handling business there is a way to come to an agreement between the two involved. Again I tried to make the point in say that sometimes we make mistakes and so does women. If this guy that you speak of is lazy and just want do anything regarding his business well there maybe other things wrong like being responsible as a man in a serious relationship and this has nothing to do with being a sensitive man , it’s all about how accountable you are in a relationship together. Not you against him or he against you, rather you two as one working things out to reach that goal of having a successful relationship.
Again my reasons for writing that letter was to express how important it is for women to listen to a mans heart rather then judge us and assume he's crying or whining. This letter was also about admitting how we as men can come up short at times and how important team work truly is between two people in a relationship. One of the biggest reasons why we as men shut down is because of the fear of looking weak to our women.
I strongly feel this is a big mistake. But what’s strange is on one hand you have women saying "he just want open up to me and on the other hand you have women who want men to play the role of a soulja, hey it’s all about balance to make us feel something real between one another.
Being a real man is all about being human and talking care of business when needed. The solja, tuff guy is only an illusion, just like the good girl next door that we take home to mom. Yes I agree some men need to grow up if they want a serious relationship with a women. But I tell yah women have to be the compliment to us in order for her to get what she need from us and visa verssa. It’s that harmony between you and I – you give, I give. It’s simple.
Lets say you broke up with your man and you found this soulja. What if he had hang -ups with you for what ever reason. I mean we all have something that needs fine tuning if you look close enough at “self”. All I am saying is be careful what you wish for, your treasures could be right there with you if we only understood how to work together then alone on two separate islands.
These issue that most of us suffer as people, follows you no matter where you go, meaning the judgmental people. Most times when we are in denial of being judgmental. Something comes along and show us whom we really are but in reverse However on you the next time around, life works like this “How you treat someone will come back at you twice the punch” this is a true fact in life.
If I am not making myself clear here, I am saying we all have something that needs cleaning up and it's best to try and work things out with this person rather then ask for something that most of us are not. Things can back fire if we are not careful, I am just saying.
But if he just want be the man that you need him to be , kindly say to him you two want work out, however if you leave him make sure you’re not leaving him over something that you could have help him with but choose not to because you felt it’s his job. I respectfully say that it’s both of your obligation to make it work in harmony.
You women could have it all if you only understood how to be there as the compliment rather then make the man feel low and not worthy of your time.
No grown man needs a mother figure as his wife. He needs that companionship from her, the communicator, to work things out as one.
This is no attack on you here but you say it’s his business, maybe he needs some pointers from you, can you give them rather then judge him. I know it may sound foolish. But the point again is to be there for one another. And I am sure you are thing “ I need for him to be the man that I need, not to teach him how to be, I understand, however he may need for you to work with him is all, just maybe.
It takes tow people to fail in a relationship. However it take two great thinkers of one another to make it last a life time,
How import is he to you is what it all boils down to.
Good luck!
Thank you for opening up and sharing your heart with us. If only more men were willing to take the risk and be vulnerable our relationships wouldn't be suffering like they are.
Yasmeen – Thank you. But I tell you these days women has become more confusing. One group of women say one thing and you turn around in that same circle, the other group of women are asking for something completely different.
Example 1# "Show me your soft side" I need this connection with you. This is important to me before I let you in or marry you.
Example 2# No! IF you did that you are weak and I want nothing to do with you.
Why is this I ask to the women? Why!, You're only confusing us men. Not all of you but a lot of you at the same time.
Yasmen – you get my point. So as for men meaning the good ones, like I said before we are everywhere, Just not in your face or on TV showing how much money we have to show the world. Yes we have money but there are more important things in life like being with some one that worth your time, no games or illusions placed on one another.
So I thought about this, and at first I said no they will never stop long enough to put aside their judgments about how a man should feel or think. And then I thought who cares, I will open and share with them anyways. Things about us that you would never hear nor get us to say to you. I myself have no issues about who I am nor am I weak.
I consider myself "understanding of balance" that we could bring to one another. To be in a successful union as one that will last for years upon years to come. The problem is finding women who see this same sort of thing rather then the stresses that we place on one another about the things that keeps us apart.
Again we make things difficult within ourselves based on unrealistic views of how life should be and most of it seems to be material based or how popular you are.
Popularity in my book is those of us whom found ways to live in harmony with one another as men and women in great relationship that everlasting. Yes we will have some problems along the way, But lets handle them together.
Peace
Aiyana-
I am reading your intro and I can not help but think of how many selfish, people
There are. You mention “when the presence of a fulfilling relationship is at hand” wow this is powerful. However how do we as people get past our judgment on others Is really this biggest issues that I have seen or discovered in others through friends just talking or just in general.
Here the thing, A lot of people force the image of someone that they have a crush on regarding superstars that are not dateable, Now before you say “oh NO THIS GUY IS NUTS” stay with me for a moment here.
How many women friends do you here say “ Girl if I could have a man like that” while watching Denzel Washington or, Michael Jorden, Or even George Clooney any of those TV personalities in the movies.
Or Men who ‘s in the stripper clubs or may see Kim Kardasien, or Haley Berry and say man My women has be like her type, but in his head he’s thinking this of some girl that he can never date just because.
What I find in most examples are how we as people in general need to come back down to earth about who we are able to met in person and chill out with the out of this world list of crap that we place on one another character.
Most of the time people are not what they feel that they are after if you ask me. Most seem to be driven by some kind of superficial source that they feel that would complete them, Oh God there that saying again, anyways. If you did a survey with 10 women that are strangers to one another and ask them through a check off list of “what character type man would they like , but put on this list examples to compare that man to. I bet you will walk away from this shocked to see what people are all about in there views on just regular people.
It seems that people are after a hero, someone way above whom they really are. Also do this same example with 10 men that are strangers and see what you get back. You may get one or two that would mention they want someone who is not a film star type. Ok that is the persons that will stand above the norm. I would be curious to hear this outcome.
Also it’s strange how many of us compare a new person to someone from our past by not letting go completely of the relationship before which screams “rebound” so the judgment starts, some one feeling that they have an upper hand on the situation.
Ok these are red flags that we put on our self as we go about in something new. I myself would exit this relationship and move on. However a lot will just stay, because of the blinders we wear. I so agree with you about everything that you wrote in your top intro. But a lot of this is not just cut and dry. Black Americans are in serious denial about our needs and what’s right for us regarding relationship. Now I have to point out that I am not saying that the entire culture is like this, no.
Love Trust should not just be given. Love Trust should be earned over a course of time spent discovering one another through a great friendship I feel.
Before my lips touches yours, I need to know you first. Before I lay in your bed or you in mine, ok for what , what are we doing here before we go into intimacy. Because if we do not know of one another, do not go there with me and the same in return. Hey it’s just that important to all of us living in these days and time.
I so strongly believe that it’s because of the facts that I mention here are reasons why couple lose focus on one another and it leave the door wide open for failure.
The illusion of it looks good on the other side. If you have someone like this in your life get rid of them and never look back. This person is under a selfish spell that is self inflicted all based on his or her thoughts regarding they feel empty.
This emptiness you feel is that part of you that failed to be the other persons true friend from the begging therefore you want out and the only way most go, is through cheating their way out, no being accountable to the other person.
Hey a lot of us go around pretending that we are ok. However deep down inside most are lost and have no idea what it means to be real to yourself about what's eating away at you.
You Saved Me-You Complete Me. Ok if you have to say these words, say it to you in the mirror before you confess this to someone else, it's more meaningful it you did. Self love is very powerful if handled with care I feel.
Only through the act of friendship, do we have a chance at something real to rely on in the long run.
Peace
I appreciate the emphasis you place on friendship. It's imperative that a solid friendship be your foundation if you expect to have a lasting relationship.
My recent post Top 14 Ways To Build Trust In A Relationship After It’s Been Torn Down
Ayize –
And I thank you for such a great outlet, allowing us to express our true thoughts on the matter.
Peace
Final Answer it's not about what they want allow you to. It;s your life take back the control, you owe it to yourself.
As for the other person that has a problem with building trust. Maybe this person should be to him or her self for a while alone. And until they are ready to start trusting them self, Just maybe they can start to open to some one else.
Hello I would like to say that this forum is rather interesting and I am glad to see that we can all come together and speak on a topic that is way over due.
I would like to offer my opinion on this topic about Black relationships. Now as I speak on this topic, my views are based on relationships that I have seen through the years and some personal ones of my own- However no one is perfect but we should be smarter and wiser.
I strongly feel that we as "Black Americans" before entering into any relationship with another. Should go through serious therapy. I say this because most of our views on what it means to survive in a relationship has been tainted over the years and the generations before us, meaning whom we’ve learn from or admired over time as examples to us.
A lot of us are raised in single parent homes and I feel there are elements missing, in regarding the balancing of "self" as we grow into “Young Man or Young Women”. Some of us are lucky to have uncles or aunts that has great morals and values, However a lot of us do not, bad examples become the teachers of our future actions as we go forth without a clue of where it came from.
Therefore as we grow into adults, I feel that we should admit that most of us do not have the right tools needed to enter into a union with another person because of the missing links that you get from a mother and a father while growing up learning from them the great values of life self respect and accountability. I know that I may get attacked on this but if you step back and look at how most of us handle what we feel is the right girl or right guy always end up with someone that do not understand us at all. The generation before us meaning the Baby Boomers and somewhat X’ers were driven by things that controlled our choices. Like what a mate should look like or material . Surely attraction is very important but when it all boils down to something real, like if she got pregnant or if he lost an eye or his job or had cancer. The other person can not deal with it and end up leaving or cheating his or her way out.
So my views are based on these facts. A lot of us are in denial about what’s going on beneath the layers of what we betray and it shows as we go through bad relationships one after another, take a look around you also the subject at hand.
Ok I am not saying that we all are idiots, No disrespect I am just saying that I strongly feel that most of us need serious therapy about who we are and what choices that we should make as for whom we want to get serious with a mate.
Cheating is a very bad thing. But if you had the chance to ask the two in that couple the “why’s “ we might all be shocked if we gave them a chance to speak their mind.
And I am not saying that it’s ok but there is always a reason for the things that we do and only we know the answers to the “why”!
It takes a strong person to forgive a cheater because of the levels of trust betrayed I understand this. However who out there has the courage to admit that “I ignore him or her and maybe this is why that person strayed. Or he or she just did not turn me on anymore, or what ever. Again the tools to sustain in a serious relationship is so important .
Ok the type of person that is not a communicator, Ok for this person therapy would help way before they enter a relationship. Because to be in a relationship, we all have to understand that the lines of communication has to remain open at all times, even if you're upset, remember that this person is your mate not someone to ignore, which cause some to feel neglected. And Neglect leads to wondering off to another "somebody" that will give you the attention you seek, However always, from the wrong person.
So the levels of neglect can vary, but the key is to first admit that we as a black race in the dating game needs help. I will leave you with a list of reason that contribute to broken promise to one another regarding cheating ,leaving and bad judgment in who we should date.
Here’s the list : Broken Homes, Lost culture, Not truly understanding who we really are and what it mean for family structure . A false awareness of self image, most pretend to be what they are not. The controlling insecure spirit, smothering personality type,
Which cause one to think he or she own another person, which cause stress that may lead to a cheater from both sides. The term You complete me, How about completing yourself before saying or offering yourself to anyone.
Peace
"The term You complete me, How about completing yourself before saying or offering yourself to anyone." Love it!!
Wow! This really hits home for me. My husband had an affair almost a year ago and he always says I am stuck in the past and I'm like the past? It wasn't that long ago and why doesnt he get it? Why does he make me feel like I have to explain why I feet the way I do? We're definitely going to be discussing this article tonight.
Tina-
There are people that do us wrong, feel that to push blame to the other is better then the guilt of what they've done to us. Bottom line, they are in serious denial therefore until their heart is rip wide open,, this pain that you feel so deeply they can't relate and want.
Can you Forgive him? Ask your heart this, and if so move on but never ever forget. However letting go of something that is so hurtful takes time and deep prayer on both of you.
Moving forward find out why he did it and if it's all based on something completely selfish, then you have something else to decide. I do not know you but for those of us who love deeply deserve this kind of love back on all levels. Once we get burned, it very important that you put this on that person that did you wrong and not blame every man that you may met in the future, let it go along with the past and seek that comfort in your self again and know that you're not alone in the idea of loving that one person "til death do you part".
Fare warning! do not get back at him, this could backfire on you,forgive and let go and move forward. As for him and I do not know him, he has to earn his way back to your heat not force it back by taunting at you regarding what you want let go. It takes a man to admit when he's done wrong and change his way to better his own heart in order to love correctly.
Some men get this mixed up with intimacy. So it is very important that he address himself and realize how deeply he's hurt you. And do everything in his power to win you back but this time sealing his word to you to never stray again, if he's smart.
Good Luck my friend!