When one take under serious consideration the examination of the consequences of unresolved conflict is to enter into a seemingly bottomless dark pit one that had rarely been explored.

I will approach the subject by discussing the symptomatic psychological disorder called “projection.” My hope is to bring into the bright light this particular psychological ddefense and its influences on individual’s relationship.

Relationships are often much more complex than we think they are; especially intimate relationships which bring to the surface our unmet needs, anxieties, and unresolved conflicts with individuals from our past; parents, caretakers, friends, and, yes,former intimate relationships.

The relationship we share with our partners are influenced, to a great extent, by our own personal histories. In which case, we sometime react to our partners “as if” they were someone else, and this can cause conflicts in our relationships.

For example, In highly-charged intimate relationships we may expect love, nurturance, and validation for who we are.In intimate relationship we assume that it should provide a safe environment in which we are cherish by our partners by expressing our own unique qualities. Why is this simple expectation so difficult to achieve?

The reason may be how we perceive our partners are colored by how we learned to interact with other people in the past. This learning process begin in early childhood, as early as infancy. In fact, our earliest attachment to our mothers, fathers, caretakers, and another adult can influence how we interact with others for our entire lifetime.

For example, if our earliest experience taught us to have a healthy and positive trust in the world around us we are more likely to take a trusting attitude to other people throughout our lives. If a child was never shown love and trust during the early stage of life it would be a great challenge, as an adult, to learn how to experience love; this may also include loving ones self.

As we travel the path of individual development we are exposed to both positive and negative experiences. The positive experience may produce feelings of love, trust, and a secure self-image; including a positive way to define ourselves as we enter into adulthood. On the other hand, negative experiences produce feelings of conflicts and frustrations.

These negative experiences are an element of self-definition which is also a part of the individual’s personality. However, these negative emotions are incompatible with the positive emotions. Therefore, according to psycho-dynamic theory, the individual tends to project the negative feelings into another person.

For example, you accused your partner of being controlling when in fact you are the one who have the need to be in control. This mental process is called projection.

According to psycho-dynamic approach, projection is the unconscious mechanism where one’s own faults are seen in another person rather than in one’s own personality.

In other words, projection is the act of objectifying what is actually a subjective or internal experience. It is important to keep in mind that we have the tendency to project our own negative feelings into others. This mental process of projection is especially true in intimate relationships where significant personal energy is attached.

If, for instance, one partner have an issue with jealousy that individual may project these emotions into the other partner and accuse that individual of being jealous. If we are unable to correct the problem in ourselves, we may focus on the problem in the other person. The solution to the tendency project your emotion is to become aware of the process of projection and understand how it may affect you personally.

Often couples who are experiencing conflicts in their relationship projection could be the root-cause of their problem. For example, if we are living with our own unresolved conflicts and unable to make any advance in understanding them; we may be psychologically-motivated to look for the problem in the other person.

In fact, unconsciously, we may actually seek out partners who have the qualities that we find problematic within ourselves.

The dynamic involved goes like this, if we are unable or unwilling to assert ourselves we will get angry and frustrated with other people for taking advantage of us, yet we may select partners who do treat us in just that manner, partners who dominate and abuse us.

But our partners may not see themselves as domineering or abusive, however, because we need to work out our own problem with these issues we may unconsciously search for these qualities in the other person.

Psychologically, the partners are bound to each other by a mutual agreement an unconscious acceptance of each other. Sharing the same images and unconscious fantasies create as much an emotional need for mutual attraction and passionate attachment as it does for conflict within the relationship.

Therefore, the mutual unconscious agreement is at the core of the couple’s relationship may become an infrastructure for mutual resistance. These common unconscious biases are easily detectable through all quarrels and arguments. The latent conjunction and agreement between partners often becomes obvious only after an extended therapeutic intervention.

In the absence of therapeutic intervention the healthier option when projection is the cause of conflicts in relationship is to increase your awareness of your own internal conflicts, and how you may be projecting your unresolved conflicts into your partner.

When we become aware of the problem we can understand the many ways it may influence our behavior, awareness gives us some control over the problem. As a result, we can experiment with new ways to interact with other people, especially those we love.

Finally, it is important to understand that projections are not at the root of every problem that couples may experience. In the real world, sometimes the other person, does indeed, have a real problem that can lead to an abusive situation.

In such case, it is not advisable to focus solely on understanding the interactions as projection, but to see it for what it really is and take appropriate action to change the situation.

By Dr. Tony Fiore

Rudy and Marjorie were on the verge of divorce. Married 12 years, they had constant verbal battles ending in what therapists call emotional disengagement- meaning that they simply ignored each other for days on end.

Emotionally, they were simmering inside and also lonely for each other, but were unable to reach out and communicate these feelings. They were in a “cold war” with both waiting for the other to make the first move to melt the icy atmosphere.

This couple suffers a common marital malady-lack of skills to repair emotional damage done to each other. According to marital research, almost all couples fight; what often separates the “masters” of marriage from the “disasters” of marriage is the ability to repair the subsequent damage.

Acquiring good repair skills gives the couple a way to recover from the mistakes they may have made. These repair skills provide a “fix” for the damage caused in attempting to communicate to each other in a way that caused emotional hurt to one or both of them.

It is common for partners to make relationship mistakes – after all, anyone can have a bad day, be under too much stress or just use poor judgment in dealing with a situation. Rather than emotionally disengaging from each other or staying angry, try to “fix it” if you are the offender.

And if you are the receiver of the damage, your challenge is to find a way to accept your partner’s repair attempt- that is, to see your partner’s repair attempt as an effort to make things better.

REPAIR TOOL #1-apologize
A simple sincere and heartfelt apology can sometimes do wonders for a relationship, especially if your partner sees you as a person who never admits they are wrong or at fault.

Say things like: “I’m sorry; I apologize; What I did was really stupid; I don’t know what got into me.”

REPAIR TOOL #2-confide feelings.
Be honest and share the feelings that are underneath the anger such as fear, embarrassment, or insecurity. Your partner may respond to you quite differently if they see those other emotions, instead of just the anger. Confiding what is in your heart and in your mind can make a huge difference in promoting understanding, closeness, and intimacy.

Say things like: “I was really afraid for our daughter when I got so angry;I didn’t want to hurt you; I just lost my cool.”

REPAIR TOOL #3-acknowledge partner’s point of view.
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with it; just acknowledging it can decrease tension and conflict because it shows your partner you are at least listening to them. It also demonstrates empathy-the ability to see things from their vantage point instead of only yours.

Say things like: “I can see what you mean; I never looked at it that way.”

REPAIR TOOL #4-accept some of the responsibility for the conflict.
Very few conflicts are 100% the fault of either partner. Instead, most conflicts are like a dance with both of you making moves to contribute to the problem. Inability to accept any responsibility is a sign of defensiveness rather than the openness required for good communication.

Say things like: “I shouldn’t’ have done what I did; I guess we both blew it; I can understand why you reacted to me that way.”

REPAIR TOOL #5-find common ground.
Focus on the issue at hand and what you have in common rather than your differences. For instance, you might both agree that raising healthy children is a common goal even though you differ in parenting styles.

Say things like: “We seem to both have the same goal here; we don’t agree on methods but we both want the same outcome.”

REPAIR TOOL #6-commit to improve behavior.
“I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it if you continually repeat the offensive behavior. Backup words with action. Show concrete evidence that you will try to change.

Say things like: “I promise to get up a half hour earlier from nowon; I’ll call if I’m going to be late; I’ll only have two drinks at the party and then stop.”