8 Roadblocks That All Couples Will Encounter

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By Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at

Normally in the beginning of a relationship, couples are so infatuated…so immersed in the “feel good” that they don’t see the challenges/reality looming around the corner. As they bathe in bliss, the bitter never crosses their mind until they find themselves in the cross hairs of bullshizzle being aimed at their perfect love.

Truth be told…over time couples begin arguing and struggling through hidden issues that ALL couples encounter. Knowing that they’re coming and learning how to deal with them as they come up can help to preserve most relationships from many feuds. Here are some of the unforeseen roadblocks that partners endure in their time together.

Money

Many couples see eye to eye on everything else except the moolah. This can lead to arguing over bills, or disagreeing over spending. Couples in love will often overlook the financial expectations of living together in a relationship as they are too blinded by infatuation.

When couples initially move in with each other, spending habits should change to group thinking of monetary spending. If not, partners will have issues because they’re still operating from a singles mindset vs a couples mindset

Emotional Baggage

Everybody has got baggage.  Some folks bags are heavier than others but nevertheless we all gottem.

Discovering the stench of your partner’s stuff will happen if you have a pulse.  It comes with the territory.  Once you discover it, grace and empathy can go a lonnnggggg way….and remember…your stuff stinks TOO.

Different Goals in Life

It’s not strange that in life we can have different ambitions. When it comes to the time and commitment given to; employment, kids, seeing the world, and places to live, different goals is a subject many couples will argue over.

To avoid arguments in this area, articulate your individual goals and establish some collective goals.  Show support for each other.  That way they can act as a team in achieving both as opposed to being competitors in the relationship.

How they Use their Free Moments

In a partnership, couples will battle over how they get to spend their free time. Should I spend this hour doing something I want to do?….or Should I spend this hour with you? Hmmmmm???  Then the question comes up “Spending ‘this’ hour with me is not something you want to do???”

While single people may be successful as individuals, living together in a relationship requires a lot of changing in our thinking. This issue can be resolved through using proper communication and working it out ahead of time. This way, people can talk about how their weekend will look before it happens and last minute surprises to the weekend schedule can be averted.

Moving in with Each Other

Living with each other can be trying and a struggle all by itself. Most people will complain about the other or claim that the other is lazy, trifling, an dirty.

What’s interesting is that while many folks complain, there never were any clear expectations established for how responsibilities and tasks would be assigned and accomplished.

By creating a chart of chores for each individual disagreements can be greatly reduced. By designating jobs, it causes individuals to take responsibility and rise up to the challenge designated to them. This also avoids unneeded arguments because responsibilities are clearly known.

Unwilling to be altered

In a partnership, you’ve got to be willing to SACRIFICE. What’s common in failed relationships is that one of the partners maintained a single mindset even after they got into the new partnership. People need to adapt to their new environment, not vice versa.

The goal of any couple is to love and care for their partner.  Seek first to understand and then to be understood.  This unified mindset needs to be demonstrated in all facets of life together; what they do with one another, the choices they make with one another and the friends they spend time with.

You’ve got to embrace the flexibility that’s required to make your relationship work.  Being rigid in mindset will prematurely end your relationship.

Lacking Good Married Role Models

One of the biggest problems that couples face, is that there are few good marriages for couples to look up to and talk to.

Couples should look for the friendship of other healthy and committed couples. Couples that have experienced the dilemmas you are going through or will go through can provide priceless insight on what you should or shouldn’t do in your situation.

Less Important Fights

Experiencing petty disagreements is a normal thing that couples deal with. As individuals, both of you have been taught to stand up for what we believe. Well too much “corner commitment” will inevitably lead to constant childlike arguing over small things.  Folks it has been statistically shown that 69% of the stuff you’re arguing about in your relationship will never get resolved.  Focus on the 30% and KEEP IT MOVING.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship? Learning how to just grin and bear it, and determine which disagreements to get into can encourage and keep a relationship more than words ever could.

Discovering the mistakes of other relationships, and using the solutions that successful relationships have found helpful, can be healing to any couple. Just like an old map, landmines have been marked and safe routes have been laid out.

It’s up to you to get on the right course to protect and grow your relationship.

What’s up y’all we are Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at….a married couple that has been together since high school. Yup…high school sweet hearts. We have Fo’… not four… but Fo’ incredible children…who keep us on our toes all the time : ) We are relationship therapists, coaches, and experts that have been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network, Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers, TV One, and other media outlets. We are helpers…we are healers….and we are here to serve you.

If you or someone you know would like to have INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES coaching from us please CLICK HERE

To learn how you can work with us, have a business around whatever your passion is, and EARN MONEY ONLINE…. CLICK HERE

7 Reasons Why You Should Forgive Your Spouse

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By Ngozi Nwoke

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness- Josh Billings. Lack of forgiveness in marriage has led to many separations and divorces. A Lasting relationship demands that the couple learn the act of forgiveness. To forgive may not be the easiest thing to do but it certainly is the wisest thing to do.

Forgiveness is one of the pillars of a successful marriage. Understanding the power of forgiveness will empower you to face and conquer any challenge that comes your way in Marriage.

Reasons for forgiveness in marriage

1. Love

‘Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive – John Sheffield. If you really love your spouse you will forgive him or her. It is difficult for people to forgive when the love is not there or is waning down. Yes, some circumstances can be very trying but love will surely conquer. For instance, God shows and clearly proves His (own) love for us by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One) died for us – (Romans 5:8, AMP)

2. Reciprocation

You are also liable to err too. You are to do to people (including your spouse) what you would want them to do to you. You may say that you will never do what he/she did but what if you do the one that he/ she will never do. That is why Christ said in Luke 6:37, “judge not, and you shall not be judged: condemn not, and you shall not be condemned; forgive, and you shall be forgiven” For every successful marriage, the act of forgiveness must be applied.

3. Gift to yourself

“It really doesn’t matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.” – Real Live Preacher. When you are holding your spouse down in your heart in un-forgiveness, you are also holding yourself down. You are hindering your own progress. Let go and move on. To enjoy your marital blessings you need to walk in forgiveness in marriage.

4. Evidence of maturity and strength

Marriage is not for boys and girls but for men and women. It takes being matured spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically to be able to forgive your spouse and enjoy a successful marriage. It takes maturity for you to think beyond your hurt feelings and work towards a lasting relationship. And as Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong”. So, if I may ask, where do you fall, weak or strong?

5. To avoid consequences of un-forgiveness

Un-forgiveness is a force that has the power to influence, affect or control you and your future negatively. This force is so deadly that it has ruined many marriages, relationships, careers, businesses, led many to their sick beds and many to their early graves. This deadly force drains your energy, wastes your time for more profitable ventures. My friend, don’t give yourself the stress for something that is not worth it. Instead as King Solomon said in SOS 2:15 (KJV), “Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes”, so also, you should remove the little fox of un-forgiveness from your marital life.

6. Family role modelling

The wise man teaches in Proverbs 22:6 that we should train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. It is wisdom to apply the act of forgiveness in your relationship with your spouse for the sake of your children. They will grow to do exactly what they learned from you. Forgiveness in marriage is a seed you sow also in the lives of your little ones. It will grow to produce same in their marital lives. Your children’s future is worth all the effort you invest in securing a successful marriage.

7. Lasting relationship

Couples don’t get married with the intention to jump out of the relationship shortly after exchanging the vows. It is the irrational and uninformed reaction to challenges (like offences) that lead to broken marriages. Understanding and employing the power of forgiveness will strengthen any marriage and keep it far from thoughts of divorce or separation.

A lasting relationship demands the engagement of the power of forgiveness for it to work. The thought of forgiving your spouse may not be a palatable idea but learning how to forgive and acting on it will pay you now and in the years to come. Many marriages have been saved from going through a divorce or separation by the application of forgiveness. Yours can be the next.

Ngozi Nwoke is a teacher and a counselor. She has a passion to teach people how to enjoy peace, God’s love and christian living for more fulfilling life. Want more fulfilling life? Subscribe for free email updates today. http://stepswithgod.com

Relationships Don’t Have To Be Hard Work All The Time

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By Sheva Carr

There is a new piece of research in from the University of Rochester published in December’s Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology that is good news for anyone who just cannot get their spouse to a marriage therapist. I absolutely love this study because it confirms what I always thought was true- It is a myth that “Relationships are hard work!”

That myth tends to be perpetuated by the high divorce rate: one in four marriages break apart within the first three years! Because we live in a culture of “no pain no gain,” we project onto that statistic that in failed marriages people just didn’t “work hard enough.” Personally, I am not into pain in my relationships or anywhere else! What has made my 18 year partnership work like a two decade honeymoon is that it is NOT work- it is a source of play and joy. The study done at the University of Rochester confirms that Robert and I may not be an anomaly- and that if you want your relationships to last, you can find intimacy and connection through entertainment and joy, not just through hard work!

In the study done by U of R, researchers looked at 174 couples over that tenuous first three years of their marriage when ¼ of them were expected to divorce. Couples were randomly assigned to one of three programs:
1) Conflict management
2) Compassion training
3) (This is the part I love!) Watch a movie and talk about it afterwards.

The conflict-management and compassion-training groups required about twenty hours of therapist-supervised lectures and practice sessions. Watching movies? That took half the time and was almost entirely done at home. But here’s the fun part: all three dramatically reduced the divorce rate equally from 24 percent to 11 percent.

CLICK HERE to read more.

It’s Not WHAT You Say….It’s HOW You Say It

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By Lisa Merlo Booth

When it comes to being an effective communicator, it’s not just about what you say…it’s also about how you say it.  Regardless of whether you’re talking to your boss, employee, child, lover or friend, if your energy is off, chances are you will not get the results you’re looking for in your relationships.

A key clue that our energy is off is a sharp tone.  We could be saying the most innocent thing in the world, yet if we say it with a tone it changes the entire message.  For example, try to say the following statement out loud, imagining you’re feeling the emotion named:

•    Annoyance: “What are you doing?!”
•    Contempt (thinking that the other person is stupid): “What… are you doing?”
•    Curiosity: “What are you doing?”

If you listen closely, you should be able to hear how a change in tone can change an entire message without changing one word.  Our tone and our energy are a huge part of communicating.   When speaking, we want to make sure our energy matches our words.  We also want to make sure that our energy is clean (respectful, grounded and honest) regardless of whether we’re angry, joyful or sad.  We can be furious with someone, yet still be clean in how we speak to them.  We can also be firm without being abusive or harsh.

When it comes to being an effective communicator, my motto is “Don’t let a great message get lost in the delivery.”  It’s in your best interest to speak in a way in which the other person can hear you, so clean up your side.  Your words, energy and body language all need to match up and all need to be respectful.  Say it straight, be honest and lose the tone.

CHALLENGE: When speaking to others, pay attention to your tone, energy and body language.  All three need to be sending the same message.  That message should be respectful of the other person’s dignity as a fellow and equal human being in order to be effective.

Lisa Merlo-Booth is a relationship coach. She has over 15 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching and has worked with individuals, families and couples on a variety of life issues. She earned her Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology from Pepperdine University in 1991 and has received her coaching training from Coach University. Lisa is the Director of Training for the Relational Life Institute owned by the renowned author, Terrence Real. Check out Lisa’s blog on relationships at http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/

Got BEEF? 3 Must Haves That Will Help You Break Down The Wall And Build Up The Love

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Come learn how to get past the BEEF once and for all.  Everyone experiences drama BUT few know how to deal with drama.  If you implement these 3 Must Have’s your whole relationship will change…GUARANTEED.  In our last Google Hangout  we spoke about how personalization and projection wreak havoc on a relationship and jeopardize the possibility of relationship success.  In this google hangout we’ll share 3 Major Fails that we see both men and women doing and why you need to STOP IT NOW.

Turn Down The Drama….Turn Up The Connection

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Why does your relationship have to be so drama filled all the damn time?  Why do you have to be so dramafied?  Turn it down ladies and gentlemen…the chaos you create is causing your relationships self destruction.  It’s time to take ownership of the roll you play in bringing negativity to the table and make a commitment to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.  You can TURN UP THE CONNECTION in your relationship by being more positive.  BE MORE POSITIVE…..say hi to your spouse, give your boo a kiss, hold your significant other’s hand, by your lover a gift…..smile at your love.  BE MORE POSITIVE and watch a transformation take place.

—————–

What’s up y’all we are Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at….a married couple that has been together since high school. Yup…high school sweet hearts. We have Fo’… not four… but Fo’ incredible children…who keep us on our toes all the time : ) We are relationship therapists, coaches, and experts that have been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network, Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers, TV One, and other media outlets. We are helpers…we are healers….and we are here to serve you.

If you or someone you know would like to have INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES coaching from us please CLICK HERE

To learn how you can work with us, have a business around whatever your passion is, and EARN MONEY ONLINE…. CLICK HERE

Be Quick To Love And Slow To Speak

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By Shaquan Lopez

It’s been said that women are too nitpicky about their men. That women pick their husbands apart and expect them to hold themselves together. Could it be that almost anything men do is wrong and that there is someone who can do it better? The truth of the matter is, women are not as well put together ourselves.

We have to learn not to be too hard on our husbands. Besides, they are the ones that have to provide and protect us. If we always break our husbands down by our words, they will shut down on us. Some of the women reading this may say, “I don’t do that. I build my husband up all the time. He won’t shut down on me.” Let’s help the women who aren’t quite there yet.

Have you ever asked your husband to take out the trash for days at a time and instead of him taking it out, more trash just began to accumulate? When you became frustrated of him ignoring your request, did you began to tell him how upset you were? Did you also add how lazy and irresponsible he was being, how you were growing sick of cleaning up behind him and how he was only thinking about himself?

If you have answered yes, it’s ok. There is an easy solution to the problem. Are you ready? Ok, here goes. Be quick to love and slow to speak.

Women tend to go off of emotions. The smallest thing can upset us and send us into a rage. There are times when we cannot control what comes out of mouth. If we learn how to control our feelings and our words, we can love our husbands past the meaningless things that causes us to nag at them.

Let’s reverse the role for a quick moment. There are many times when our men want to tell us off and correct us but they don’t. It’s not because they don’t want to hurt our feelings but it’s because they decide that it’s more important for them to love us then pick us apart. Most of our husbands understand that we may have a lot on our plate so there may be a reason why we didn’t cook, fold the laundry, or clean the house. They also know that we are emotional and we would probably cry or argue in response to them being nitpicky about us. Just like us nagging would make them shut down or run the opposite way when they see us coming.

Let’s think, what if our husband came home and dinner wasn’t prepared. Then, all of sudden they starts to complain and say that we aren’t being a good wife, we’re being lazy, and we are not meeting up to their needs. Life can be so much better if we learn how to let the little things that probably won’t turn into a big thing go. Trust me you’re not alone. I had to learn this too. I would always complain when the trash would pile up outside or when my husband left the toilet seat up, or even when he wouldn’t hold me when I sat next to him. These were little things that I was making into a big issue.

I learned how to be quick to love and slow to speak through a stament my husband made. He and I were arguing about the dishes. I was telling him how I would like for him to help me more with the dishes if he knew that I would not be able to get to them after dinner. I also added in some unpleasant words and even bought up things from the past that had nothing to do with the dishes. My husband looked at me and said, “You nag all of the time. You pick me apart and act like I am supposed to listen to you and do what you say. I am not your puppy who you train and discipline. I am your husband!”

I stood there in awe. I didn’t know he felt that way. I never knew I was treating him in such a way. All I could do was apologize and tell him that I would try my best to not nag him anymore. I had to examine myself and say, “What is it that is making me say mean things to my husband.” I knew that I wanted my husband to help me more in the house but there had to be a better approach.

Here is what I did, instead of nagging him about the trash, I took it out if I knew that he would be home late or if I was already cleaning up and had time to spare. Instead of getting upset when he did not hold me, I learned to put his hand around me. Eventually he started taking the initiative in doing what he knew would make me happier and cause less arguments. I learned that it was better to just love him through what ticked me off instead of arguing about it.

We have to learn that if we have a hard working man and he provides for us, protects us, loves us, and spoils us, then its ok to take the trash out once in a while. He may be too tired or may have forgot. Its ok for us to serve our husband a nice warm meal for days at a time because he is working hard and you want to serve him. We also have to understand that men don’t think as deep as we think. They only see the surface of things while we look deeper to see what’s underneath the surface. It’s what separates us.

The most important thing to remember is that our words can hurt our husbands more than a stranger slapping him in the face. Just think of the better days we will have if we give more love and more encouraging words. Besides, life is too short to always argue over trash.

My name is Shaquan Lopez. I am 24 years old. I have been married to my wonderful husband, Charles Lopez, for four years and we have a beautiful three year old son. I was raised in the southern part of Georgia, raised by my mom. I am the youngest of three. We are triplets. Yes, I am a triplet! I aspire to write and capture the attention of young married women like myself to help them succeed in their marriage.  

Want to know how Shaquan makes a living blogging? CLICK HERE

 

The Damage That Silence Does To A Relationship

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By Mel Schwartz, L.C.S.W.

Over the many years that I’ve been practicing therapy, I’ve found that couples that are struggling in their relationships often succumb to the default mode of silence. Sometimes, it’s one person who defers to the unspoken, and at times it’s actually both. In either circumstance, such silence—not a healthy pause or meditative break—speaks to the absence of verbal and emotional intimacy. Unless we’re communicating on levels of extra sensory perception or body language, words are the only tools available to us to communicate let alone resolve our issues. There’s little sense to being in a relationship and resorting to silence. Not only does it sabotage the lifeline of a healthy coupling, it chokes your expressive needs.

When you can express what you’re feeling—in the moment that you’re experiencing it—there’s much less likelihood that you’ll act out on that feeling. Problematic feelings that go unexpressed tend to percolate and boil over—they take on energy of their own, and the ensuing conflict hours or days later may have little correlation to the original emotional insult. When this occurs there’s little chance of being validated, as there may be little correspondence between your hurt feelings and the disruption of the moment.

Telling someone that you feel angry, and explaining why you do, will ordinarily sever the reactive state of being angry or acting angrily. Furthermore, the non-verbalization and suppression of your feelings will—over time—result in substantial resentment, with the accompanying behavior that we might expect. If you don’t share your problematic feelings, there is a great probability that you’ll act out on them, in any number of unrelated ways. Having done so, you now become the problem in the other’s eyes. We’ve now entered into a negative spiral of silence and struggle.

Silence is Controlling

When we think of controlling people, we ordinarily conjure images of loud or aggressive individuals. They may, in fact, appear to be bullying and controlling of others. Yet we know exactly what we’re dealing with. There are no surprises.  here’s a much more insidious type of control, however, which is predicated upon silence. When we don’t share our thoughts with each other, we are often doing so to control the other’s reactions and behavior. If they don’t know what we’re contemplating, then they can’t possibly respond. At times, people who are inclined to please others or avoid confrontation fall prey to this dilemma. The tendency is to choose silence rather than upset the other party.

CLICK HERE to read more.

How To Communicate With Your Alcoholic Spouse

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By Darren Haber, MFT

One of the many things that addiction takes away is the ability to communicate honestly and directly. It’s not the easiest thing in the world to begin with.

But intermarital communication can be even more of a minefield because of the hurt and anger and plain chaos wrought by addiction. Also, in most cases each partner grew up in a family where basic truths — the elephants in the room — were not okay to talk about, or where addiction’s tyranny meant that hurts and fears were ignored or ridiculed.

In other words, if you are now in a relationship with an actively addicted partner, or close to someone who is, try not to judge too harshly. Judgment just keeps the relational wheels locked in place. It’s not that those of us in such a situation are cowardly or weak, it’s just that we are most likely following an unconscious order (instilled in us from the beginning) to protect the status quo, even when that status quo brings misery and loneliness.

I thought I’d offer a suggestion for people who feel stuck or trapped in an alcoholic marriage, who may want to communicate how they’re feeling, even though doing so might be scary or uncomfortable. Unfortunately, if you’re interested in change — even baby steps — some discomfort is inevitable. Of course, one could argue you’re already uncomfortable, so why not be uncomfortable and at least speak the truth? Usually in taking a new action step, however small, there’s discomfort, then a shaky “was that okay for me to do?” feeling, followed by — over time, with repetition — a reconnection or repair to one’s own self-esteem and integrity.

The two rules of thumb here are: keep it simple and tell the truth. It’s so simple and pared down that it takes practice. (There’s no shame in practicing with a close friend, or in front of the mirror. This isn’t crazy; in fact, doing this takes great courage and is probably going against your early developmental “software.”)

 CLICK HERE to read more.
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Are You In An Unhealthy Relationship? 10 Signs That Say Yes

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by NATHAN FEILES, LCSW

Technically, a relationship needs to only be defined by the people who are in the relationship. What is a “good (or healthy) relationship” for two people may be completely different than a “good (or healthy) relationship” for two other people.

However, there is a difference between a relationship having its own shape and character, and a relationship that is either harmful or generally unhealthy for one or both partners. These relationships can be difficult to spot from the inside because one or both partners grow accustomed to the life of the relationship. Denial can also be a factor due to fears of change, failure, or otherwise. So while it may seem like it should be obvious when you’re in an unhealthy relationship, it isn’t always so simple.

Here are some signs of concern within relationships. Note, the presence of one or more of the following signs doesn’t necessarily mean you should end your relationship. These are things to keep an eye on, and if they persist, may need further attention in order to improve the state of your relationship.

1) Hitting. Relationships are going to have their share of arguments and disagreements. This is normal. However, when one or both partners crosses the line into hitting, even if it’s just one punch and not an all-out brawl, this is a concern. One punch is still abuse, no matter the gender of the aggressor.

2) Name-calling. Arguments are rarely pleasant (though at times relationships tend to feed off of them, for better or worse). Name-calling, however, crosses the boundary from a heated disagreement into hostile disrespect and disregard for your partner. Name-calling is verbal abuse, is contemptuous, disrespectful, and only tears your partner down. It doesn’t have a productive quality to it for the relationship.

3) Lack of support. While it’s not possible for each partner to always be supportive in the desired moments, it becomes problematic when goals, achievements, desires, and other forms of personal life fulfillment are constantly met with resistance and negativity by your partner. While a partner can’t always be expected to be supportive of everything, a healthy relationship generally has a sense of overall support between the partners. Without this, resentment and frustration eats away at the relationship.

4) Forced to answer to your partner. There’s a difference between coordinating with your partner out of common respect for each other, whether it’s for scheduling social or work events, coordinating child care, or otherwise, and having to actually receive permission from your partner to see friends, spend money, etc. This is a form of being controlled, and often appears in the form of one partner controlling the other’s spending, who the partner associates with, and keeping tabs on everything the partner does. This is also a form of psychological abuse.

5) Feeling angry or resentful of your partner. It’s one thing to be angry or annoyed with your partner, at times. This is normal in relationships. However, if there’s a general sense of resentment and anger towards your partner that overarches your relationship, this isn’t healthy. Something is going on that needs to be addressed before it erodes the relationship.

CLICK HERE to read more.