By Team BLAM/Source:Tracy McMillan

You want to get married. It’s taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud — even in your mind — feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you’re hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

But, guess what it’s Ok. It really is. To want to have a companion. To want to be someone’s wife. To want to build a family and create a legacy……it truly is better than ok to want to love and be loved. So, if you’re finding that you do want to be married check out this interesting list by Tracy McMillan and let us know what you think.

And, let me say this in advance: No, this is not a blanket statement that we at BLAM are trying to make. This does not apply to each and every person out there who is not married and wants to be. But, let’s be real some of it does apply. So, pat yourself on the back for what you have moved beyond and don’t do anymore (or never did) and wo-man up and take responsibility for what is glaringly y-o-u. Oh, and men get ready your list is coming next.

1. You’re Evil As Hell.

Here’s what I mean. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.

2. You’re Shallow.

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You’re loose (as in you give it up way too easy) and it ain’t cute!

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

That’s due in part to this thing called oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm — that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It’s why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that’s how it happened. And since nature can’t discriminate between marriage material and Ray Ray from the corner, you’re going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You’re a Liar.

It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a scooter. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.”

You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don’t tell him that. That’s your secret — just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can’t live without you. I have news: he will never “figure” this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn’t be lying to him in the first place.

5. You’re Selfish.

If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.

However, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, the right guy comes along and notices you because bottom line when you give (emotionally, materially, etc.) to your family, friends, the world, etc. it comes back to you—it’s called Karma aka creating your world. (Ok, pause. I–Aiyana– changed Tracy’s last couple of sentences  cause I’m not feeling these last couple of sentences that she had originally: After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.)

6. You’re Not Good Enough.

Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son’s artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you’re trying to be. They’re attractive, sure. They’re just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

By Jane Saeman

We have all heard that there are romance myths…Do you know the ten biggest romance myths?

The first romance myth is that you should not have to work at romance and that if you are in love it should just happen without effort. Romance takes work; it takes spontaneity so that you do not become bored with each other. Romance grows if you open yourself up to each other, do kind things for each other and try new things.

The second of the 10 biggest romance myths is that sexual pleasure is for the young and if you two have grown apart sexually over the years it’s just natural.
The only reason for abstinence is physical illness. Those who have lost their sexual desires need to seek counseling to determine the root cause.

The third of the 10 biggest romance myths is that marriage and other long term relationships are more beneficial to men than they are to women. There are some understandable reasons for the start of this myth, when women began to understand their right to equality and some women found themselves happily leaving the home each day to enjoy a career. The fact is that for many women themarriage is their most important career, and they happily enjoy their husbands and their marriage.

Romance myth number four is that luck and sex are the keys to a long and happy personal partnership. This is far from the truth. Commitment to each other and the ability to be each other’s best friend are the primary ingredients in successful long term relationships.

Myth number five about romance is that couples who live together before they get married to each other are able to find out how well they are suited for a life together and this will lead to greater likelihood of a happy marriage. Statistics don’t bear this out. In fact, it seems that the opposite is true.

Myth number six is that the chances of people staying committed to one partner for a lifetime are lessened now that we live longer. Nowadays people are waiting longer to marry and then settling down at a later age. This tends to mean better choices as the partners are more mature when they commit.

The seventh of the 10 biggest romance myths is that unhappy people will become happy once they find that perfect mate. The fact is that unhappy people are unhappy, and generally are more apt to make their partners miserable than their partners are apt to resolve their unhappiness for them.

The eighth of the 10 biggest romance myths is that we can marry or make a long term commitment to someone and then change what we don’t like about them. Rarely does this happen. All that happens is that the person who wants the partner to change gets frustrated and the person who is expected to change gets angry. Not a good recipe for marital harmony at all.

Myth number nine is that people simply fall out of love with their long term partners. What they’re usually saying is the sex isn’t as spicy and exciting as it used to be. That can be resolved. Infatuation doesn’t stay forever, nor should it. Most marriages can be “saved” if both partners want to try.

The last of the 10 biggest romance myths is that people who are too different should divorce. It’s far more likely that each partner is trying to make the other responsible for fulfillment of his or her needs, instead of working together to compromise and be each others’ companions.

Jane Saeman runs a membership website that features thirty Private Label Articles regarding Dating and Relationships monthly. http://www.DatingNicheArticles.com

By Alter Sage

Co-dependency is a serious addiction requiring specialised relationship counselling. Co-dependency is twofold. Firstly, it is the natural, behavioural reaction that is appropriated by one person in a relationship when the other person is involved in some kind of addictive behaviour. However in the other instance, some co-dependants are not involved in any kind of co-dependent relationship yet display the traits in their everyday life.

When the dependency reaches a serious level, a co dependent can place themselves in circumstances which are high risk for them and can cause them to lose control over their lives. They do what their disease tells them to do: to indulge in their addiction to another person. Those suffering from co-dependency can be both or just one person in the relationship. Treating co-dependency with relationship counselling is possible and often successful.

Co-dependency usually (although not always) involves some other addictive process such as drugs, gambling or eating disorders in one or both parties. When a person is invested in a cycle of compulsive and addictive behaviour, their ‘using’ affects those around them, especially those involved in close relationships with them, whether it is family, a spouse or a friend.

What happens to a co-dependent?
The stress and emotional pain of addictive behaviour has a severe impact on those witnessing the decline. Soon the co-dependent begins to ‘look after’ the addict as they feel the addict will be safer, which brings about relief for the person witnessing their addiction. Soon, this becomes severe co-dependency and an issue of control.

The family members begin to display traits of co-dependency as they realise that the addict will die if not helped and their need to control the addict becomes even greater. The relationship becomes strained because of the lying and deceit.

Family and friends begin to respond to the addict’s every need with attempts to save the addict by lending money, cleaning up after them, lying to others to help the addict cover up their addiction, constant checking up on the person and trying to control every outcome, basing their entire existence on the other person and keeping the pain at bay.

Co-dependency and the addiction to the other person begins to break down individual boundaries: their identity begins to fade as personal beliefs and their goals change to make everyone else happy, forgetting their own wellbeing.

What are the characteristics of co-dependency?
There are many characteristics of a co-dependent; however some are more distinguishable than others. A co-dependent will need approval and seek it constantly, whilst having a bad understanding of who they are. They search for people in need: “victim” roles to play mother to, and obviously the compromising of their own wellbeing for others.

Relationship Counselling
Treatment for co-dependency is a gradual process. When a person is co-dependent and literally ‘addicted’ to another person or relationship, the recovery process is complex. Unlike drugs where a person can abstain completely, a co-dependent will need to be amongst people (their very addiction) to learn to re-integrate into society. In severe cases, in-patient treatment may be needed in a rehabilitation centre providing relationship counselling for treating co-dependence.

The first step in finding recovery from co-dependency is to withdraw from whichever relationship is addictive. The relationship need not be terminated, but abstinence is needed for a time. Therapy and relationship counselling are extremely beneficial to those suffering from co-dependency. Once the co-dependent is unable to rely on other people to affirm them and give them a purpose, they are able to begin therapy and counselling which is of huge benefit. Individual and group therapy is highly successful in the treatment of co-dependency. Rehabilitation clients such as drug addicts and alcoholics are often co-dependent and rehabilitation centres frequently treat patients for co-dependency as well as their other addictions.

A co-dependent has neglected their needs to focus on others over a significant period of time. Once in a recovery programme, a co-dependent needs to be self loving and nurturing through relationship counselling needs to look after themselves spiritually, emotionally and physically. With hardwork, determination, and accompanied by therapy and a healthy lifestyle, they can arrest their addiction and return to normal life again.