Affair Recovery 101: Build New Memories Through Dating

By Charles Calvert

Somewhere down its path, your nuptials went south, and may even have been furthermore rocked by an affair. If your marriage is in this predicament, you know all too well how your once-happy “union” can begin to feel like unpaid, overtime work.

There isn’t a way to not do the work when it comes to recovering from an affair and saving your marriage. But take heart: it doesn’t have to be all hard work.

In this article, I’ll help you consider whether or not you’re taking advantage of one critical tactic for saving and  re-building your marriage.

Nobody kids themselves that recovering from an affair and saving a marriage in crisis will be effortless. Who wouldn’t honestly feel some sense of dread when faced with an unappetizing menu such at that to look ahead to?

But, don’t sell yourself or your marriage short. Yes, the difficult work of compromise and repairing the damage brought on by an affair must go on.

Just remember an additional critical element that goes into building your marriage: Fun.

The Survival of Your Relationship Demands It. You may be thinking: Fun? Did I just read that correctly?

Fun has probably become a distant memory in light of the latest events in your marriage. Trying to rescue a sinking ship doesn’t appear to go along with making time to strike up the band.

But in an effort to move forward as a couple, you and your spouse really need to rebuild your bond. By focusing on building pleasant memories again, the bad memories and grief may begin to lose their dominance and hold over your relationship which is a giant step in recovering from an affair.

You need to reignite the spark that once brought you two together. In order for this to occur, you need to work together to prepare fertile ground for this to take place.

And where have partners always created and expanded their mutual spark? By indulging in dates with one another-time set aside to simply “be” as a couple, relax and have a good time. Here I will discuss some steps to help you prepare to reignite:

Step 1: Develop a Date List

For weeks, months-and maybe longer-you and your spouse have been cataloging and reviewing the hurts and slights within your relationship. And if there’s been an affair, the misery produced is rarely far from your consciousness.

Take a step with a positive idea: discuss with your spouse and brainstorm date ideas. Or, agree that you will each brainstorm 5 ideas, and then combine the lists.

Step 2: Choose and Plan a Date Idea

From your list you and your spouse have created, select one date idea-and calendar it right away, in ink. To be able to improve your marriage, you need actions which may propel the relationship forward.

This doesn’t mean all hurt and anger disappears. What it shows is really a commitment on the part of both spouses to take the necessary steps to build positive memories.

Step 3: Put Aside Conflict for your Date

Your “first date” on your quest to save and build your marriage could possibly be a tense time. It won’t be the jitters you had on the initial first date you and your spouse had when you first got together. Below the surface of this date might be jitters about the best way to behave, what to say, what to discuss.

Agree that for this date, you’ll both commit to relax, and not point out any conflicts or points of contention during this time you’ve set aside. You will both need to be mindful of the hot-button issues-and steer clear to begin recovering from an affair.

BLAM Fam: How important do you think it is to be intentional about creating new good memories after an affair so that the bad memories lose their dominance?

4 replies
  1. Tasha
    Tasha says:

    Dating after an affair I think is very important. I have been doing this recently. It took us over 4 years to setup a date night to help rebuild our relationship that I was almost ready to completely give up on. I postponed our wedding due to finding out about his emotional cheating and it has taken me all of 4 years to even try to let this go. We have been on and off again due to my ability to not let this go. While at my last straw he asked that I allow him to take me out on a date and that we stay away from the topic. So far it has improved our communication a whole bunch and it is allowing us to relearn each other, because due to his cheating we had changed and we didn't know who each other was anymore. Now the question that I have been asking myself is can I trust him anymore, is the bond that we had now broken beyond repair? Trust is a hard thing to repair.

  2. Tracey Shine
    Tracey Shine says:

    Rebound after an affair? I agree with 2 willing mindset in agreement will offset the negative energy of, 1 positive/willing and 1 unwilling/negative mindset. Positive energy is a universal way to move negative energy out of a broken marriage. Dating is healthy because it typically produces positive energy and intimate memories. Dating is a great tool to rebound because it sends a nonverbal message that hope lives and forgiveness is possible. Make a list of dating options, relationship expectations, and who you will help if you rebound and remain committed. Writing is not only therapy, but evidence to what you agree and understand……….Great Blog!!

    • says:

      There are basic pillars upon which a relatonsip is built. Besides Respect, Commitiment, and several others, Trust is the most fragile. If Trust is ever broken, even super glue won't be able to repair the damage. Couples may pretend that things are alright, but the reality is that there will always be a question of Trust.

  3. Neysa
    Neysa says:

    Love it! Very important.

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