By Team BLAM
BLAM Family: Please take the time to give your honest thoughts to this young lady. All Reader Letters are real letters from real people dealing with real issues.
First I want to say I love you all! Your marriage gives me so much encouragement as young black woman to find true love with someone who I am equally yoked with. Second, I want to apologize for the scatterbrained letter you are about to read. There is more than one issue I am having so please bare with me. I have been watching your videos and trying to peace them all together to help me but I finally just said its time to write them. Ok here goes. I am 22 years old and live in Houston, TX… I broke off my engagement to my boyfriend of 5 years who is 24 years old. We started dating in high school I was 17 he was 18. I have no idea what I am doing or what I want right now. He went to college and then I went off to a different college, we had a few bumps in the road but stayed together. We both came back to Houston in 2008 where I had my own apartment and he lived at home. Then 2009 I moved back home and he got his own apt. Shortly after I basically moved in with him, but never really “lived there”. In 2010 I really moved in staying there and moving all my stuff over. We broke up a few times for short periods of time (taking space, etc. No major fights led to breakups). In November of 2010 there was a major fight that we had that ended in me leaving and returning to my mom’s house. We could not come to any understanding over the issue and I walked away, thinking I was really finished that time. I think I ran because I knew things were really serious and marriage was possibly around the corner. Well we were broken up for about two months and then we ended up talking in January and got back together. Then I found out he was going to propose in December of 2010. We stayed together worked on our relationship and things got better. September 2011, I left again. Here is where my confusion comes in. I love him, but I do not know if he is the one or if there is a such thing. I feel like he is a great guy who respects, loves and provides for me but I don’t feel we have the emotional connection that I expected to have when I got married. He does not like to argue as I don’t either but likes to push things under the rug for the sake of confrontation. I am a very head strong woman who is probably a “recovering aggressaholic” and he is very calm, laid back guy. We both analyze everything we do so much and with the discussion of marriage it has been pushed to the side. I feel like since he has lost me before he proposed last time he doesn’t want to discuss it and just wants me to marry him so he doesn’t lose me again, but that scares me because we don’t argue or fight. I feel like we are walking on egg shells. When we got back together in January we came to the conclusion that I ran from the relationship which is probably true. He told me if I had doubts or got scared we could talk everyday and do whatever it takes to make things work. Well two weeks ago I started having major doubts I tried to suppress it and just thought I was being my emotional self but it wouldn’t go away. He wanted to talk and I told him I was getting scared and he got mad and tried to leave (said he couldn’t talk because he was pissed). Well that scared me even more because I felt like we couldn’t even talk about what I was feeling but he wants to get married, that’s not right to me. I think sometimes I just want him to comfort me and make me feel like its ok to be happy. I think sometimes we as black women have experienced so much negative when something is going good it’s like we throw a wrench in it just to see if it’s real. I don’t know another scattered thought of mine. But I’m not really sure if things were even fine. I mean we went 9 months without an argument but I had feelings about some things that happened but did not think it was worth the argument. So we talked and he got mad and just rushed me to answer did I want to marry him or not, I told him I don’t know. He was really mad and flipped out. I stayed that night and we talked about it again the next night and he was really cold and dry. Seems like he decided for me what we were doing. So I left that night and have been home since. I returned his ring and we are in the process of separating out things…
Now I have no idea what is wrong with me. I feel he is a good guy but is it possible that he is just not the good guy for me. If that’s the case will I be alone since the black men are scarce. Sometimes I feel if I stay with him that I am settling, because he does not have certain qualities that I want in a guy. I like to refer to him as neutral and laid back, not really passionate about children which I am, and love with his head not with his heart. He is not affectionate but is always there for me. I know most men love differently that women but I don’t know if the way he loves is enough for me. Since we have been living together I have had the burden off the work to do which is not that big of a problem, I just wonder what it would be like if we added kids to the picture. My mom has mentioned that maybe I see what marriage would be like with him and I don’t like it, or I am just not ready to settle down. I feel like maybe I haven’t experienced enough life to truly appreciate the man that he is, and I fear when I am ready he will be gone. Not sure if I would find someone as dedicated and loyal as he is. But I also feel what I bring to the relationship is not reciprocated not sure if it ever will be.
Next issue that I feel has a major affect on my thought process. In a sense I have emotionally cheated throughout our relationship. I have a friend who I have known since middle school and we have always been close friends. We are more alike as far as personality being outgoing, he is country, and truly reminds me of my dad (who I don’t have the best relationship with). I have never physically cheated on him but emotionally is just as bad I think… We never really see each other often just always call to check on him here and there. I always wondered how things would be if I were with someone like him. I know the grass always seems greener on the other side but I know things would probably not work he is way too unstable and flighty. But he has that old southern country man aspect of him which is what I always wanted in my husband. And sometimes I feel that I hold on to him because he reminds me so much of my dad and that is filling the whole for him. I really don’t know what to say about him just they are very different and wonder if there is someone out there that God has for me that will not be perfect of course but that will have those characteristics.
Last issue I am having. What is marriage? My mom tells me love is a choice. You choose who you decide to love and you choose to commit to them? Is it that simple? I refuse to believe it is that simple. I always had this idea of my husband and I having this wonderful connection mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Most women that I know have told me that you don’t marry the person you love?!?! Also that marriage sucks, men are sorry and just to be single and young focus on my life and it will come later. Also that I shouldn’t get married until I’m 30. I am a relationship person “serial monogamist” so to speak. But I love love and feel that my purpose in life is to be a wife and mother. That’s what I used to think but not sure what I think anymore. I am also terrified of divorce. My parents were married for 15 years then divorced after my dad cheated several times and became very mean. Well after my mom divorced him he became very abusive to me verbally and physically. I was 10 when it started and carried on until about 15. I have forgiven him (I think) and let that part of my life go now he is around for my younger brother but thinks I should chase after him. He pops up when he wants and goes away in the snap of a finger. I feel like he has ruined me and I will never be able to accept love from anyway because I feel I am not good enough. I know I am an amazing, smart, intelligent woman and would be a great mother and wife. But I find myself testing my ex and pushing him to see just how much he will put up with. As if I don’t believe that he is still there or wants to love me because my own dad couldn’t and won’t, so why would anyone else. I am trying to understand how to get past these thoughts but I know I have commitment issues and fear a failed marriage. Also I want to add that all of the times we broke up I would hang out with past boyfriends, not sure why but I would always have a guy around. I have never had sex with anyone other than him since we have been together. Please help any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated.