HELP!!!!! I’m Haunted By The Thoughts Of My Spouse’s Affair

By Denise A. Dilmore

Affair surviving is a journey which no one should have to live through. Being betrayed, humiliated and lied to by the one person you thought you could trust is devastating and life shattering.

When a painful or tragic event has taken place, envisioning negative images is a natural process for the mind to engage in. The mind will start processing these thoughts over and over again. One tormenting scene will play itself out and then lead to another. Then the first scene will come about all over again!

If you are affair surviving and dealing with tormenting images of your spouse with another lover, you are not alone. Between 2 to 6 men out of every 10 males you meet will have had an affair. And women are not that far behind. Between 1 and 5 women out of every 10 females will engage in an affair. The reason I share this information is not to depress you. But to reassure you that there are many solutions and methods that have been established in dealing with your tormenting thoughts.

So what steps can you take to deal with the tormenting images that seemingly haunt you every second of the day?

1. The first step in stopping your tormenting thoughts is to realize you are thinking negative. That may sound obvious, but once you start becoming aware of it, you’ll be surprised how fast you can change your thought patterns.

2. Notice what triggers these images. What feelings do you experience which are bringing these images on? Are you feeling angry, jealous or revengeful? Train yourself to become aware of what your triggers are.

3.Make a decision not to think about or dwell on the affair details. Affair surviving is about rebuilding your once happy loving marriage. Obviously, something has gone wrong in the relationship for the affair to have occurred in the first place. The affair “details” are irrelevant and a “by-product” of the relationships troubles.

4. Stop telling yourself “I can’t get these images out of my mind.” Guess what? If you keep repeating this to yourself, then you really won’t be able to get the awful images out of your mind. Make an effort to constantly tell yourself “I don’t have to think these thoughts.” You may not believe it right away, but soon enough the images will appear less and less.

5.Remember, “What you think on expands.” If you choose to re-live the affair over and over again, affair surviving will get more difficult. If you ask yourself, what have we learned and how can we fix this, your perspective changes and the painful images will eventually dissipate.

6. Distract your mind and try to replace the time you spend visualizing the affair with something else. A hobby which requires some concentration is a great thing to get involved in seeing as it distracts the mind. Focusing on your children is another great way to keep your mind distracted.

7.Write down your blessing and keep it with you wherever you go. Although affair surviving is beyond difficult, realize you do have many blessings in your life to be grateful for. We often get tunnel vision when experiencing difficult times. Making an effort to start a list of things to be thankful for is crucial. When starting to experience tormenting thoughts, pull out your list and review what you have written down.

Offering advice on affair surviving is difficult. I realize when you’re in the midst of going through all the difficult feelings and images, often any advice can seem trivial. Know there are plenty of helpful resources to help stop the tormenting images and get your marriage back on track. Be assured, many couples have gotten through the difficult times and have had great success in rebuilding a strong loving marriage.

Denise A. Dilmore is the editor of an article based website exploring the healing process of infidelity. For more resources and effective ways to survive an affair and save your marriage, get our free 7-part program. Visit for instant access to your Free Program Now.

2 replies
  1. Randy
    Randy says:

    This was an encouraging read. In the past 90 days I've probably had 50 sleepless nights because the pain of the betrayal and the what if's are racing through my mind. Thank you for this post.

  2. La Toya Smith-Butler
    La Toya Smith-Butler says:

    This has spoken to me on so many different levels. I am dealing with this now. It has been two years since I found out about my husband's affair, and while he tries to make things better, I am so resistant-and I know it is because I still have these images, thoughts, and ideals that he will not help put to rest. Thank you for this post-I now know what I need to do to move forward and not keep reminding myself of his past transgressions.

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