Viewer Letter: My relationship has been on the rocks for about a year. We decided in November that we want to get married. He is a wonderful man, with insecurities about “being/doing enough”. Meaning, he says I make him feel like he isn’t enough. I am a guarded woman, however, he broke down certain barriers and as a result I reacted in fear. He has a female friend who’s car he had been driving and I didn’t like it. She is a woman that wants to be with him, but he has no interest in her. They have been sexual, but it was prior to us becoming an “official” couple. He told me a few months back, that if I wanted her gone, all I had to do was say so. I didn’t feel I should have to say “get rid of her.” I felt as though, he should have ended the friendship, due to my discomfort. He did not share this point of view. So, in turn, she was a thorn in my side for over a year.
I have since gotten over it and pay her no attention. We no longer have a vehicle of our own, so her car has become the essential mode of transportation.
Problem is, eventhough I have moved away from being concerned with her, he is now upset because it took so long and he has already shifted in his feelings. He doesn’t believe I am passed it and I only know time and patience to be the revealing of where I now stand on the issue.
He is unhappy and we are in turmoil. Our love use to be the talk of our friendships and seen thru Stevie Wonder’s eys, but now…we are distant. I am hurt because he is hurting and I feel like a villain, with no hope of reclaiming my thrown.
I know that all I can do is work at re-assuring him, that he has no need to be insecure…he feels like he is alone and has no one on his side…
I believe his feelings of inadequacy, stem from his rigid relationship with his mother. I believe that if he is able to heal from that hurt, those inadequate feelings will start to fade.
No one loves him or has loved him, as much as or like I do…these are his words, and that is why, I believe…I was able to hurt him so bad. I don’t like being villainized, but I accept my role in the turmoil of our relationship.
I guess the advice I am seeking, is How do I be patient? He is a “feeling” man and this is uncharted territory for me. My father, nor any of the male roles in my life, have ever been this visibly emotional. All of them hid behind there emotions. He put his heart in my hands, and to him…I’ve just shoved it aside.
I love him, deeper than I have ever loved…and he the same…but he is so fragile and I don’t want to break him.
In the beginning, I did let go of alot of my independence…but that was just to show him, that I trust his leadership…I put too much on him…I realized that and have been working on rectifying the heaviness of the load…I just didn’t want him to feel like I was combating his ability to lead me, as a mate.
We use to be so connected….