By Neysa Ellery Taylor
This isn’t real fancy today. There won’t be a lot of alliteration or word play. Today I am just going to throw it out there. So if you are putting me, my marriage, or my testimony on a pedestal and don’t want that vision to be cracked, then don’t read any further. But if you read what I write because I tell it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly – then keep reading. So you’ve been warned…Ready?
Fighting your way back from a breach of trust is hard work. Hard work everyday. My husband has asked for forgiveness and changed his behavior. I’ve forgiven him. And we are both committed to making our family work. But there are days when I am still very upset. Yep, I said it. VERY UPSET. That doesn’t mean that I don’t forgive. I do. But there is no magic wand that erases my memory. And since I have chosen to write about the experience, I have opened myself up to anonymous comments and emails. (It’s funny how everyone has courage on the Internet.. but I digress.) But the comment I get the most is “he could be cheating on you right now.” And you know what, you are right. He could be. Heck, I could be cheating right now. Matter of fact, your spouse/pastor/the Pope/and President Obama could be cheating too. But I can’t control any of those folks just like I can’t control my spouse. My spouse controls himself. I can pray for him and my marriage. But I can only control me. (But I digress again…)
So there are days when I am out of control. When I am upset, angry, and let’s be honest pissed off. On “good” insecure days, I recognize it and call my hubs. Normally I say some variation of this: “I need more from you today. I am not feeling too secure and need you to really just show out on the love meter today.” But there are those “bad” insecure days. On those days, I keep my mouth shut but my mind is working overtime. I take note of everything that my husband does or doesn’t do. I am a psychologist/private investigator/stalker. I notice every change in behavior, speech or stance. Hell, I even notice changes in breathing. And when I am tripping, I am acting really funky. Naw, I am acting stank. My emotional wall goes up and I am giving my hubs the side-eye. This is so not the best stance for a productive marriage, right? The good news is that after a few hours (ok, sometimes a day) of acting this way, my hubs confronts me about it. And after he answers a barrage of questions, I take a breather and go back to what I can control – me.
I pause, pray, and process. I pause to quiet my mind. I really tell myself to calm down and think about things logically. I then pray. I ask God to wrap me in the spirit of wisdom and discernment and to be a hedge around the spirit of fear. And I process. I ask myself to look at the situation. Is there something I should be concerned about or am I tripping? Am I just mad at him for xyz that has nothing to do with what happened before? Is there something that we need to address or do differently? By the time I finish the process, I am calm and peace has been restored in the home.
So that is how we get through. As long as we are both committed to doing the work and weathering the storms – real or imagined – we’ll make it. So maybe we aren’t pedestal worthy and that’s ok. I’m just trying to make it to the throne room.
Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at Myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.