My Marriage Ain’t Perfect…And That’s Ok.
By Neysa Ellery Taylor
This isn’t real fancy today. There won’t be a lot of alliteration or word play. Today I am just going to throw it out there. So if you are putting me, my marriage, or my testimony on a pedestal and don’t want that vision to be cracked, then don’t read any further. But if you read what I write because I tell it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly – then keep reading. So you’ve been warned…Ready?
Fighting your way back from a breach of trust is hard work. Hard work everyday. My husband has asked for forgiveness and changed his behavior. I’ve forgiven him. And we are both committed to making our family work. But there are days when I am still very upset. Yep, I said it. VERY UPSET. That doesn’t mean that I don’t forgive. I do. But there is no magic wand that erases my memory. And since I have chosen to write about the experience, I have opened myself up to anonymous comments and emails. (It’s funny how everyone has courage on the Internet.. but I digress.) But the comment I get the most is “he could be cheating on you right now.” And you know what, you are right. He could be. Heck, I could be cheating right now. Matter of fact, your spouse/pastor/the Pope/and President Obama could be cheating too. But I can’t control any of those folks just like I can’t control my spouse. My spouse controls himself. I can pray for him and my marriage. But I can only control me. (But I digress again…)
So there are days when I am out of control. When I am upset, angry, and let’s be honest pissed off. On “good” insecure days, I recognize it and call my hubs. Normally I say some variation of this: “I need more from you today. I am not feeling too secure and need you to really just show out on the love meter today.” But there are those “bad” insecure days. On those days, I keep my mouth shut but my mind is working overtime. I take note of everything that my husband does or doesn’t do. I am a psychologist/private investigator/stalker. I notice every change in behavior, speech or stance. Hell, I even notice changes in breathing. And when I am tripping, I am acting really funky. Naw, I am acting stank. My emotional wall goes up and I am giving my hubs the side-eye. This is so not the best stance for a productive marriage, right? The good news is that after a few hours (ok, sometimes a day) of acting this way, my hubs confronts me about it. And after he answers a barrage of questions, I take a breather and go back to what I can control – me.
I pause, pray, and process. I pause to quiet my mind. I really tell myself to calm down and think about things logically. I then pray. I ask God to wrap me in the spirit of wisdom and discernment and to be a hedge around the spirit of fear. And I process. I ask myself to look at the situation. Is there something I should be concerned about or am I tripping? Am I just mad at him for xyz that has nothing to do with what happened before? Is there something that we need to address or do differently? By the time I finish the process, I am calm and peace has been restored in the home.
So that is how we get through. As long as we are both committed to doing the work and weathering the storms – real or imagined – we’ll make it. So maybe we aren’t pedestal worthy and that’s ok. I’m just trying to make it to the throne room.
Neysa Ellery Taylor is an integral part of the writing team here at Blackloveandmarriage.com. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at Myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.
Distractions come & Distractions go. Don't be deterred Ms. Taylor. This is all a test and at the end of the day it's what you and your husband think, say, and do that truly matters. Please know that your courage and candid real talk about your life has helped me and so many others I'm sure. DO NOT BE DISMAYED! This is why I love coming to BLAM, they always keep it 100 and aren't scared to allow us all to look at and tackle the hard shit.
Wow, um is this thread for real? At this point it's pretty much just an entertaining soap opera and not the least bit productive or positive…..No way in the world should business this personal be on display for the whole world…..
Thanks to all who have called, texted, and emailed to give me a head's up. I will neither confirm or deny any of the allegations that are posed, but I do have a few things to say.
I will never have an unkind word to say about Chris. So please stop calling/texting and expecting me to blast him. It just won't happen. He is an amazing man that takes incredible care of our children. I have no complaints with him. My sons are lucky to have him as their daddy!
To those that have made mention of our profession, I can't possibly imagine what you were thinking or how it became relevant with the subject matter. He says it will be handed and I trust that it will.
Thank you for the compliments on my parenting and for making it known that my children reside with me. I do agree that the biography is misleading. However, perception is reality- even if it is skewed.
I work very hard to keep my professional and personal life separate- and it works well for me. I have carried my cross for personal decisions I have made, but they should not affect me professionally. Say whatever you would like, but please keep your comments relevant to the subject matter.
Statements: Your biography says that you live in Nashville with your husband and your 4 children. This is not true. You have 2 children and Chris has 4. I am a mother and my husband has other children than ours also. So I understand the importance of unity in the home. Treating the twins LIKE they are your is what you are doing and it's what you should do. But they are not yours.They have a very powerful, effective and capable mother who does an amazing job with them. Also, they do not live with you– they live with their mother. I've heard they have a room at your house- and that's great. But they do not live there. Your biography gives the illusion that they stay with you and Chris, which is not accurate.
Wow.. I have stood back and read and stayed quiet because this is my wife's forum, and place of expression. I won't answer or address any other statements, comments, claims or posts except for the person deeming themself as "Metro." Of course my wife has included my name and where we live in her posts.. but the one thing I have asked of her is to NEVER mention where I work or what I do for a living.. and there is a reason for that. I understand that your posts came from a sincere place, but you need to get in contact with me, and I will explain why it's never been included.
Question: In a previous article you said "I am the wife that makes him look good." How is what you are doing making Chris look good? He is a public servant and you have not hesitated to put his name out there, like he doesn't wear a name plate at work. I have heard stories about how controlling you are with him. But throwing him under the bus professionally is a bit extreme. While he may have slighted you at home, you have now aired personal business for everyone to see and bring continual unnecessary attention to an issue that could cause him to lose credibility with citizens he comes into contact with at work. And didn't he take a test to be promoted? This can't look good to any current supervisors.
Speaking of telling the truth, I happen to know the husband and the other woman. They are both really great people and I have nothing negative to say about either of them. I will say that I have seen them interact at work and they were both professional and kind to one another. You wouldnt know they have history unless you know them personally. I have one question (with comments) and a few statements for you, Neysa.
Great post!
I have read all of the replies, and I'm not making any apologies for what I'm going to write. If you don't live in Neysa & Chris's house please shut the hell up!!! This is a couple who is working towards saving their marriage and their family. That doesn't makes you a coward, it takes Strength, Honesty, Determination, Faith and Trust In God to stay. For you to make some of the statements that you made ( directed to Blessed & Seriously) you two really need to Pray. Yes we all have our crosses to bare!! They are at least dealing!!! This happens every day and marriages are destroyed and families are ruin!! It has become such the norm, that when a couple decides to work at their marriage it's shrud upon.
Neysa thank you for "Your Truth" thank you for being real and letting us into your personal life. Stand firm on the Word and your conviction, and remember.
"No weaponthat is formed against thee shall prosper, and Every tongue that rise against thee, in judgement thou shalt condemn. Isaiah 54:17
Wow, well. I don't think this is a good forum for personal issues. Whatever you need to say to the author, I think would be better said elsewhere. This is probably the modern version of airing dirty laundry and doesn't need to be done here, IMHO. It's my opinion that you say what you need to say to someone (in whatever format you deem appropriate) and it's up to him/her to take what you say and react, or not. Blessed 1, I understand where you are coming from, but I think your only responsibility is to just say your piece and move on. That's a lot more than others would do.
Other than that, I'm really glad that the author wrote what she wrote. I am a long time follower of her blog and always wondered how she was getting through on a day to day basis, so, Ms. Ellery, as a fan, I appreciat e your honesty. What you are going through can't be easy and I appreciate it when you speak about the hard parts because it's something that we can relate to.
Good article!
Wow! I’m dealing with this too. I don’t know what to do! I’m trying It’s so hard to trust again.
When I read this it felt like I wrote it. It's what I'm going through right now. You wonder if you'll ever really be ok again…trust God…that's the only thing that helps even remotely on the "bad insecure days". Thank you for writing this and sharing your experience! I pray God heals your home!
The Ma'at's know me. I am sure Aiyana is watching this feed wondering when I am going to speak up. And honestly, there is no need for me to speak up. I write my truth. Period. If anyone disagrees with that, they know how to contact me directly. Not in shadows or under false names, but directly. Anything else is not worth my attention.
Well said Neysa.
My recent post My Marriage Ain’t Perfect…And That’s Ok.
I can understand the annoyance with people using false names or aliases to get in contact with you. I mean, it's not like your husband is carrying a weapon at all times. Oh wait… Well, at least the other woman isn't always packing. Wait…dang it! 🙂 Not trying to make light of the situation, but you have to take in consideration that some people may feel the need to let you know without putting their own personal and/or professional lives at risk. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind would jump at the chance to call a man a liar, especially one in the same profession as your husband.
Yours is a unique situation. But, it's not other people's job to force you to see the truth or whatever version of it they think they know.
Good luck. Great article.
There is nothing unique about this situation, especially since he has cheated on her on and off for so long. While some find honor in remaining married in this type of atmosphere, there is a clear distinction between a man having a one-time affair and a man maintaining an actual relationship that has lasted for years. So what, the other woman had twins. That might be the only thing unique about this situation- just because twins are not as common. Wives that don't want to be alone, don't want a change of lifestyle, and don't want to "lose" their husband to the other woman have a tendency to stay by their husband's side regardless of what he does or how many times he does it just so that she can say "he's mine." There is nothing new about that. Instead of claiming the marriage is restored, maybe the benefits of an open marriage should be explored. At least she could then write about the truth as it is with her, the husband, and his other woman- and all of their kids.
Well…I don't know as much about the situation as you seem to. I do agree that an open marriage should be explored if possible. I mean if the husband is having a difficult time choosing between his wife and his (former?) mistress. Nothing wrong in that.
I meant unique because this is the only situation where I know of a woman who has been cheated on and is opening her life up for all to see. That, to me, is unique. Infidelity has always been sort of a hush-hush topic where I am from. I find the author's honesty and candidness refreshing. I think she's answered herself regarding if he is or isn't cheating. She can't control him, only herself and what she believes that God told her. No one can fault her for that.
Wow, you are playing ALL those things (psychologist, stalker, detective) that is way too much work…When I felt the need to monitor my guy in my previous relationship, I knew RIGHT then it was over. He was just blatantly disrepectful with you and although you could probably care less about my thoughts, I hope one day your 'lightbulb' will flash in your head and see him for what he truly is. The strength is leaving not staying and showing you can't be without him, that is cowardly.
There is so much pretense about love. I am happy to hear from someone who is real about what it takes to keep love alive. It ain't all roses flowers and posing~MJB
Blessesd1 are you being mean??? How do you know he's cheating? Is he cheating with you?
My recent post Stressed? Make Your Holiday Time a Healing Experience
"A truthful witness saves lives,but a false witness is a traitor"
Proverbs 14:25
I'm not his other woman and I'm not being mean. I have been around for a while and watched every involved person suffer one way or another, including ALL of the children involved. It needs to stop. I know he is still cheating because I know each of the people involved. The only one denying it is Neysa.
There is s
Neysa, you are insecure because he is still cheating and you are well aware. When you were warned to your face, you dragged those who wished to remain anonymous into the fire with you and disarray was brought to relationships other than within your household (both internal and external). That could explain the anonymous emails. Its not all-of-a-sudden courage. Its self preservation. You vividly write on this issue because for over 10 years, you have lived the same story of cheating and forgiveness- just different but similar names. God will bless you for your obedience.
Thank you for this article, very good! @Trina–I agree with you girl
This is my struggle every day and my husband has never given me any reason not to trust him. It's just me. We've got to continue to work on ourselves.
This is real talk right here.