READER LETTER: How Do I Get My Husband Interested In Growing & Making Our Marriage The Best It Can Be?

BLAM Fam what are your thoughts on this sista’s situation?

Hello! I love your web-site and the wealth of practical..applicable information and resolution advice. My question is this: How do I get my husband to listen to/read/learn ways to help our marriage grow and be happy.

He does not show intrest in learning things that could help. We have been married 2 years, but together 6. He is an awesome man, father, friend, lover, however we have never been married. We know alot about each other, but very little about managing our “married” relationship. I have learned so much from reading. Reading articles on this sit, books, the bible. I talk to married people in our lives about advice on how to get through tough times…arguments, disrespect, hurt feeling, wifely duties…etc. We even had premarital classes that he liked and really thrived on!!

Now, he does not show interest in learning the tools and information he needs to continue to be a good husband and grow. He struggles when I share with him when I feel hurt or upset about something he’s done or said. We will usually end up arguing because I wanted to share how I felt!!! Never ever getting to my initial issue.

I want so much for him to be all that I know he can be in our relationship, but he willnot listen to me and my recommendations, and he won’t reach out to learn…from anyone!

For instance, I have read a wealth of articles on BLAM that hit a certain issue we might be having right on the head. I’ll read it for my own knowledge and to recognize what my part in it may have been and how to fix/avoid it. I’ll send it to his email, and let him know” I sent a really good read about what we had an issue with. It was great, you should check it out”. He won’t…and he won’t ever even mention it….one way or the other. It’s so frustrating!!!! This has happend many times…but I have not given up! What do you think about this??? Should I just leave it alone??? I don’t want him to take my provision of the articles/help/knowledge/resolution as an insult. Any ideas about how to get him interested(actively) in growing..and making our marriage the best it can be??? He hates the conflicts, but won’t do anything to change the components that cause them. Any word would be welcomed and appreciated. Thanks!!!

5 replies
  1. Venus
    Venus says:

    Trying to talk to my husband of 18 years I've been able to on a much better level by changing the way I approach him:

    I use "I" statements because leading with "you" statements tends to put him on the defensive. So, for example I'll start with "I felt really overwhelmed when such-and-such happened" rather than saying "You completely overwhelmed me when you did such and such."

    Sit beside your husband and chat, it's more relaxing than if across from him or opposite him. (I also tried these approaches with our 2 sons with much success.)

    Discuss things when not in the heat of emotion. Hint: if you must say "calm down" it's still too hot and too soon to talk right then.

    Try different things, learn your preferences and your partner's preferences because life is about change and changes ARE possible as long as you WANT to change—he's got to be on the same page or a similar page, too, in order to try the changes, though. Good luck, have faith. (~_^)

  2. Mesha
    Mesha says:

    My husband and I have had the same issue in our marriage. We've been married for 11 years and together for almost 16 years.

    As I mature I find different ways to get my feelings across to him. Needless to say some have failed but I've recently started taking myself out of the issue and trying to read and review it as a third party. It has helped me keep my emotions, comments and body language in check. I've found that by approaching the situation calmly that I've gotten a more sincere response from my husband. After we get to the point where we are on the same side instead of on opposite sides I then share my emotional side with him and he is always more open to receiving it.

    Dont be fooled that we're (women) are the only ones that have a hard time approaching our husbands and getting them to listen. After being with my husband for 16 years I am in tune with his emotions/ attitude shifts and can tell when he has something he needs to talk about, but he'd rather approach his through writing. That way according to him we dont cut each other off and hell we dont forget what we're trying to say.

  3. CorinneC @ freenergydiary
    CorinneC @ freenergydiary says:

    Thank you for sharing your story… Yes I also do the same, I don’t just nod on what he says but I make it to the point I can tell him what’s on my mind… We will argue yes, but in the end, we will learn how to compromise.

  4. Jay
    Jay says:

    It sounds like we have the same relationship. What I found that helped me out in this situation was focusing on how I was presenting the issues to my significant other. My boyfriend tends to shut down when he feels criticized- most people do. I realized instead of making requests, I started the conversation with a criticism which immediately put him on the defensive. This means we spent the whole conversation on opposites sides instead of being on the same side. We love each other and want our relationship to work. So I have to remember to present the issue in a way where we can be on the same side, on the same team… which is Team Save Our Relationship. I hope this helps 🙂

    • Anetta Sidberry Perry-Gurganious
      Anetta Sidberry Perry-Gurganious says:

      Awesome, Jay! Thanks! My ears and mind are wide open! I will make more of an effot to "team" my requests…like package it instead of making it all his. I just wish that he would show interest…not just speak it! I appeciate your advice!!!

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