By Christopher Nolen
We, the people of common sense who–as grown folks–advise against becoming or seeking out a side piece (also referred to as dip), do hereby issue forth the following rules should you totally lose sanity and decide to be one anyway. Some articles will be in King James English, some in second person…perhaps if you read it in a variety of ways, you will get the message and avoid the issue all together:
Article 1: Do not ask me to meet my friends or family members. For what? You are a dip and you unfortunately do not get that privilege.
Article 2: Do not think that you will move up to be number #1 get that out of your head right now.
Article 3: Thou shalt not ask me to leave my spouse.
Article 4: Do not ask me to spend the night at your place.
Article 5: Do not ask me for my home phone number.
Article 6: Thou shalt not demand respect…you’re a side piece…hello?
Article 7: Thou shalt not get pregnant…thou shalt not demand money for abortion if thou layest down and becomest pregnant…hithertofore should thou becomest impregnated, thou shalt indeed understandeth that thou shalt be a
parent and STOP BEING THE SIDE PIECE
Article 8: Thou shalt not get angry if your pimp/pimptress shalt desirest to spend time and money with his/hereth spouse and family.
Article 9: Do not ask me to come to your parents house to meet your parents, for what? You are just a damn dip, in another month I will be done with you.
Article 10: Thou for surest shalt not falleth in loveth with thou pimp/pimptress.
Article 11: Do not call me after 7pm unless I make contact with you.
Article 12: Do not fall in love with me because once you do it is over.
**BREAK** We must mention that falling in love is the cardinal sin of being a side piece, which is why it is translated in both modern English and King James English. **BREAK**
Article 13: Thou shalt understand that theseth art jokeths.
**BREAK** We don’t want to be receiving all kinds of hate mail for making a joke out of this issue. Keep that gawbage to yourself. Thank you. **BREAK**
Article 14: Just know you are a dip and I don’t even know why I want to see you because you are going to get emotional anyway and trick off on me, I am an idiot so I cannot and will not even do this. Sorry for bothering you and wasting your time. I am going to make it work with my lady.
Article 15: Do not ask me to take you out in public, for what? you are a damn dip. You will only be confined to your bedroom or my other house that I have.
Article 16: Thou shalt not expect thou pimp/pimptress to treateth you any differently than he/she treatedeth his/her spouse should he/she leave said spouse and decideth–like a dummyeth–to marryeth thou. C’mon, son-eth!
Article 17: Do not tell me about your problems that you had that day, do you think I want to hear about that? I have problems of my own at home and that is why I am seeing you on the side because I have a house full of kids and woman who is getting on my nerves. Now you want to get on my nerves too, ah damn.
Article 18: Thou shalt learn the hard wayeth that beingeth the side pieceth is not as glamorous as television makes it seemeth.
Article 19: I dont want to meet your children.
Article 20: There will be an NDA (National Dip Association) lockout if you attempt to renegotiate this current contract. Your season will be lost if you choose to do so. The NDA realizes the smart dips will renegotiate, and thus leave the game. The dumb ones will stay, and that is where the bread and butter is.
Article 21: If you are riding with me you must duck your head on command.
Article 22: You must not wear underwear to my crib. That way your dumb self won’t forget s*it.
Article 23: You pay for the hotel/motel my money is for my family.
Article 24: And this is the #1 cardinal rule for becoming a side piece:
This contract and these articles cannot be re-negotiated. Should you decide to ignore warnings against this lifestyle, this is the way of life you will tread.
Christopher Nolen is a film director and producer based in Chicago. Healing and/or hilarity ensue on his online forum called Christopher Nolen’s KIR (Keepin’ it Real), where he solicits anonymous postings for discussion. His sophomore directorial effort–Christopher’s “The Good Life” is currently in post production for a release in 2012. Four KIR contributors, (H. Roberta Williams, Tremayne Price, Kyle Hopkins and Latike Booker) posted commentary in the above articles of tomfoolery. Visit KIR at kirworldwide.com.