Sex Is Not The Problem….You Are.
By Shaquan Lopez
Have you ever wondered why you and your spouse go through droughts in your marriage? Have you ever wondered why you only have sex once a week or maybe once a month? Have you ever wondered why sex has gotten boring lately? Well, may be the problem isn’t sex, maybe it’s you.
I had to realize this in my own life. While my husband and I were having sex more than once a week, it still wasn’t mind-blowing sex every single time. I found myself disconnected from him at times. There were times when we would go two or three days to two or three weeks without sex, and once we finally came together, it was either mind-blowing or a thumbs down.
I couldn’t figure out why these things happened. At first I thought it was because we had been together for five years and it had become routine. Or, maybe, it was because we had a lot on our mind and had busy schedules. I even said to myself, “Well, sex isn’t suppose to be good all the time, right?” Wrong!
It wasn’t until I took a few steps back. Looked a little deeper and I realized that sex was not the problem. We were the problem. We pulled the intimate setting out of our bedroom. Our bedroom was supposed to be a place filled with peace, love, and joy. Instead, we had filled it with arguments, homework, video games, resentment, and our own personal mess.
We had blocked ourselves from having good, frequent sex. My husband would sometime bring his work home with him. I don’t mean papers from work, but his feelings. When he got home from work, I would unload all of my frustrations about my day, homework, and how tired I was of being a housewife. Imagine dumping all of your feelings and thoughts on your spouse and you taking in their feelings. Now you both just added more emotional trauma to each other, so when the time comes for you to be intimate, you have these mental blocks that stop you from enjoying one another. That is what my husband and I had experienced.
It was time to make a change. Its was time to start clearing out some of that unwanted space in our bedroom and in ourselves. Communication had to change in and out of the bedroom. Instead of having disagreements in our bedroom, we settled them in the living room. We stopped going to bed mad. When I am laying in the bed upset, my husband will just hold me until I talk out my feelings. The biggest thing that has had a great impact in our marriage is that we invited more prayer into our bedroom. This is where our peace has now come from. I have stopped doing my homework in the bedroom. My books would and papers would be everywhere. I don’t like doing homework as is, but I didn’t like it even more when I had everything thrown everywhere.
Our bad habits just took some time to change. We started to be more spontaneous and fun in our intimate moments. We talked to each other about what we would to do more of and how we could please each other better. It has worked out for the most part. Sex can’t be the problem because it is made for husband and wife to enjoy. It’s us who gets in the way of our own satisfaction. If you want better sex, all you have to do is take a few steps back, evaluate yourself, and make a change. Once that is done you will feel more at peace with yourself and your spouse. Oh, and did I mention that the sex will be better.
My name is Shaquan Lopez. I am 24 years old. I have been married to my wonderful husband, Charles Lopez, for four years and we have a beautiful three year old son. I was raised in the southern part of Georgia, raised by my mom. I am the youngest of three. We are triplets. Yes, I am a triplet! I aspire to write and capture the attention of young married women like myself to help them succeed in their marriage.
Great post! Being able to recognize that both of you were kinda "poising" a very important aspect of a really good relationship/marriage. Also, being able to communicate about what you can do to be/feel more intimate together was so important too. Too many of us become unhappy, but don't really know how to convey what we want/need to our partners – which creates more barriers.
That part "…my husband will just hold me until I talk out my feelings…." was especially great too. He sees that she was upset & recognizes that by getting physically connected in a non-sexual way. Something she wanted, but just didn't know it until she got that type of attention – which opened her up to share more of her feelings.
As busy partners, parents, professionals, students, etc. it's easy to forget the powerful influence our own attitudes have on our partners. We forget that someone that really loves us is there paying close attention to how we feel. If our overall attitude is mostly angry, negative…our relationship will shift in that direction as well. And we have to remember that most of us LIKE and are ATTRACTED to people who make us feel good.
Thank you for your kind words. The last sentence you wrote is true. We are definitely attracted to people who makes us feel good.
Wishing you the best in your marriage. Great insight.
I especially like when you said my husband would just hold me until I talk out my feelings. That was priceless because it speaks to an inevitability that intimacy will occur when the two of you are physically close.
It time for my husband to approach me in that way because I would shy away or push him away when he would try to see what was wrong with me. When I learned to let him into my personal space, our intimacy level shot through the roof.