By Shaquan Lopez
Have you ever wondered why you and your spouse go through droughts in your marriage? Have you ever wondered why you only have sex once a week or maybe once a month? Have you ever wondered why sex has gotten boring lately? Well, may be the problem isn’t sex, maybe it’s you.
I had to realize this in my own life. While my husband and I were having sex more than once a week, it still wasn’t mind-blowing sex every single time. I found myself disconnected from him at times. There were times when we would go two or three days to two or three weeks without sex, and once we finally came together, it was either mind-blowing or a thumbs down.
I couldn’t figure out why these things happened. At first I thought it was because we had been together for five years and it had become routine. Or, maybe, it was because we had a lot on our mind and had busy schedules. I even said to myself, “Well, sex isn’t suppose to be good all the time, right?” Wrong!
It wasn’t until I took a few steps back. Looked a little deeper and I realized that sex was not the problem. We were the problem. We pulled the intimate setting out of our bedroom. Our bedroom was supposed to be a place filled with peace, love, and joy. Instead, we had filled it with arguments, homework, video games, resentment, and our own personal mess.
We had blocked ourselves from having good, frequent sex. My husband would sometime bring his work home with him. I don’t mean papers from work, but his feelings. When he got home from work, I would unload all of my frustrations about my day, homework, and how tired I was of being a housewife. Imagine dumping all of your feelings and thoughts on your spouse and you taking in their feelings. Now you both just added more emotional trauma to each other, so when the time comes for you to be intimate, you have these mental blocks that stop you from enjoying one another. That is what my husband and I had experienced.
It was time to make a change. Its was time to start clearing out some of that unwanted space in our bedroom and in ourselves. Communication had to change in and out of the bedroom. Instead of having disagreements in our bedroom, we settled them in the living room. We stopped going to bed mad. When I am laying in the bed upset, my husband will just hold me until I talk out my feelings. The biggest thing that has had a great impact in our marriage is that we invited more prayer into our bedroom. This is where our peace has now come from. I have stopped doing my homework in the bedroom. My books would and papers would be everywhere. I don’t like doing homework as is, but I didn’t like it even more when I had everything thrown everywhere.
Our bad habits just took some time to change. We started to be more spontaneous and fun in our intimate moments. We talked to each other about what we would to do more of and how we could please each other better. It has worked out for the most part. Sex can’t be the problem because it is made for husband and wife to enjoy. It’s us who gets in the way of our own satisfaction. If you want better sex, all you have to do is take a few steps back, evaluate yourself, and make a change. Once that is done you will feel more at peace with yourself and your spouse. Oh, and did I mention that the sex will be better.
My name is Shaquan Lopez. I am 24 years old. I have been married to my wonderful husband, Charles Lopez, for four years and we have a beautiful three year old son. I was raised in the southern part of Georgia, raised by my mom. I am the youngest of three. We are triplets. Yes, I am a triplet! I aspire to write and capture the attention of young married women like myself to help them succeed in their marriage.