The Perfect Marriage Does Not Exist

By Tara

When the reality of marriage doesn’t meet our expectations, we tend to blame reality.

When it comes to marriage, we expect the fairy tale. Raised on Cinderella and Ozzie and Harriet, we’re convinced that marriage will solve all of our problems, our partner will meet all of our needs, and that we’ll live happily ever after.

But a great many of us don’t get the happily-ever-after part; we get divorced. So where did we go wrong?

Mary Laner thinks that we expect too much. A professor of sociology at Arizona State University, Laner says that when the marriage or the partner fails to live up to our ideals, we don’t recognize that our expectations were much too high. Instead, we blame our spouse or that particular relationship.

“We think that our partner can meet all our needs, know what we’re thinking, and love us even when we’re not terribly lovable. When those things don’t happen, then we blame our partner,” Laner says. “We think that maybe if we had a different spouse, it would be better.”

The ASU sociologist studied the marital expectations of unmarried college students. She compared their expectations with those of people who have been married for about 10 years. The significantly higher expectations held by the students, she says, come straight out of the “happily ever after” fantasy.

“Such irrationality can lead us to conclude that when the ‘thrill is gone,’ or when the marriage or partner doesn’t live up to our inflated ideals, divorce or abandonment of the marriage in some other form is the solution,”

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2 replies
  1. Lauren
    Lauren says:

    As you guys say, marriage is for grown folks : )

  2. Smoov
    Smoov says:

    Marriage is what you make it. Couples can run a marriage 60-60 where you both do your part equally to help out or complete responsibilities – then try to extend themselves that extra 10% to make sure each other is OK & taken care of.

    I would honestly think that many young couples don't truly think they're ready for marriage until they actually go & do it. It isn't until they are married when they realize that their spouse is more than just a very, very good bestfriend — who happens to live with them. But a lot of newlyweds don't understand that they will have rough periods in their relationship & that they can not predict how they will handle those issues when they do happen. And when trust is high & then someone strays or commits betrayal….it's hard to rebuild that same bond that was there before – forcing them to create new bonds in different ways. And that all depends on whether the couple can forgive each other & stay together as they heal.

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