Want A Loving & Long Lasting Relationship? Stop Being Shallow & Go Beyond The Surface.

By Ilex Bien-Aime

I am starting to realize something about men and women – we choose to be stupid. We have the capacity to put tons of metal into the sky and out in space without them crashing down. We put huge vessels on top of and under the water without them sinking. We think of and accomplish so many things with our minds and yet sometimes we act as if we have no sense at all. So I guess my question for today is, are we dumbing ourselves down to fit in with the rest of society?

Think about it, most of the things we do in this life are based on the reactions or ideas of others. We buy expensive cars many times because we want to show our success. We buy expensive watches, shoes, pocketbooks, and houses to sort of “one up” other people. I am not saying that we don’t do some of these things because we genuinely like them but let’s be honest – society sort of dictates what we think is hot and/or what we think is the best. That my friend, has caused us a lot of unnecessary heartache.

Fellas, how many of us are trying to buy love? Look at television and you will see exactly what I am talking about. I watch several shows where unattractive wealthy men are dating or are married to beautiful women. Their houses are huge, cars are exotic, and the gifts are spectacular. This is not just a T.V. thing though, it happens in everyday life. Men are breaking their backs to try to obtain the baddest women out there so that they can show their “arm candy” accomplishments.

Our society is all out of whack. Black Men’s Magazine, Vibe, Maxim, and our videos keep suggesting what hot is. They keep trying to define women by what they look like and not necessarily by who they are. Fellas, we often times feed into the hype. Many times guys know that the women they have are there based on what they do for a living. Who he really is also falls to the wayside because he is seen as the financier for her wants. We are willing to trade in our hearts for a big booty and a smile.

Men are usually accused of being visual creatures and for the most part it is true. That keeps us in trouble but just as many men are blinded by superficial looks, many women are guilty of materialism. Women want a handsome guy but ladies are more likely than men to disregard looks. Let’s face it, half of the MLB, the NFL, and the NBA are evident of that. Money goes a long way for some women in making men look better. Wanting to have the newest and best materialistic items have led women to sort of whoring themselves out to the highest bidder.

Tupac once said that he saw a woman in the mall who he thought was attractive. He said that she looked at him as if he were nobody. Later that day he spotted the girl with one of her friends (the friend noticed he was Tupac) and ran up to him. All of a sudden the woman was interested in him now. It’s funny but I remember when I was dating, it amazed me how things worked. Yes I would approach the most attractive girls and with regular conversation, I was not that interesting. When asked what company I worked for, they became excited because I guess they thought that I was worth more than I really was. It was a destructive two way street -me only caring about looks and them seeing dollar signs.

Maybe this article is not written for you and maybe you think that it is filled with gross generalizations but I guarantee that you know men who have issues with running after beautiful women who can care a less about them. I also bet that you know women who are caught up with materialism and choose men based on the amount of zeros on his check. Come on, we all have a little bit of these characteristics within ourselves. Have you not asked your boy, “what does she look like or who can you compare her to?” Have you ever said, “girl, you know he is a doctor”?

Some of the things that I am saying are sort of tongue and cheek and I know it. The point though is still valid. We seriously place our love lives in harm’s way because we often times purposely choose the wrong people. We sometimes get married to known gold diggers because they are fine. We don’t think about true love or where they will go if we lose all we have. We often times marry shallow people who will try to trade us in for a younger, more fit model. Maybe we don’t find real love because we trifle with it and maybe we get screwed over because we keep trying to screw others over. Nothing is wrong with wanting a beautiful woman and nothing is wrong with wanting to be financially secure but when these things are your one and only focus, that is where you fail.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations. Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com

3 replies
  1. Patricia Knight
    Patricia Knight says:

    The author of this article has just about summed up why we have so many relationship problems in the black community. He speaks the shameful, awful truth.

    We must stop letting others decide what should be important for us. It's what's gotten us in the mess we're in now.

  2. Tamara
    Tamara says:

    I so agree with the author! We have all bought in to this society's foolishness!

  3. Shayla
    Shayla says:

    #Keepitreal #Onpoint #Wellsaid!

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