What My Little Eyes Saw (Part 2)
By Farraday Miller
I was married only 2 years before depression set in. Once the dust settled I felt trapped and missed the freedom that I had abused in my single life. When I got married I tried to block the spares out of my mind although I never let go of them entirely. My heart hurt at the thought of my being untrue to a good man while my body longed to be in the arms of another. There were many sleepless nights and arguments that were only true on the surface because I couldn’t dare express anything that I was really feeling. I was confused and living in a place where when I looked in the mirror, it was my mother and father who stared back at me. The hate that I felt for them was entangled with the disgust that I felt for myself. I was spinning around and each attempt I made to stop spinning only made matters worse.
The day I left my house on my mission to “figure it all out” was the day I saw my father drive away with all of his things in the back of his car. I found my mother in the family room sitting in her favorite chair by the window watching him drive off. Her makeup was running down her face and she was crying uncontrollably. I hugged her and she just collapsed in my arms. In that moment I knew her hurt. I understood the source of her tears because I unsuccessfully fought back my own. I had never cried like that before. It was rock bottom for both of us although she didn’t know how intimately I shared her pain. She explained that they were taking some time to “figure things out” and I saw how diabolical my world had become. I was living in the sins of my parents and could not escape it’s grip. I had no where to turn.
I struggled for years with the desire to live a better life but not knowing how to overcome what my little eyes saw. Each time I tried to end the affair that I was in, somehow, someway I found myself sinking back into a relationship that would only lead to certain despair. No one knew about any of this except us and I this was not something I felt that I could share with my mother even though she would understand. I didn’t want to relive the moment when my father drove away yet I feared in my heart that it would come. My husband was no fool, just a man who loved and trusted his wife and it was never my intent to dishonor his love. Truth be told it was years before I felt worthy of the pure love that he offered and didn’t understand what he saw in me. The love that he showed me made me feel safe and gave me an outlet to begin to peal the layers back. Since I had seen where deceit leads I decided to try doses of honesty and that was scary as hell.
I thought about my vows and how I pledged to love, honor and respect my husband. I reconciled the fact that there was something, some reason that kept me from jumping all the way in with the other guy so I held on to that. I said to myself daily “love led me to a peaceful place and I am grateful. I know real love.” I talked, my husband listened. We cried, We had many sleepless nights. He prayed. My husband is a man of faith and believed that he married his soul mate and wasn’t giving up on me because of my baggage. We had a rule in this process and that was to be totally honest about our feelings regardless of how we thought the other person would react. We entered into our own private couple’s therapy where we aired everything that was relevant to our relationship success. The details of my parents relationship was theirs to tell but I did share a lot of what my little eyes saw. I explained that I learned how to operate in multiple relationships at the same time without truly giving myself to one man. His acceptance of me and all my imperfections unlocked a door in my heart that I didn’t know existed. I admit that I have waited for the other shoe to drop but after 20 years of marriage, he has never wavered from his pledge to love me unconditionally.
I think this issue is more common than we talk about but I can’t say that the outcome is always the same. My parents are no longer together and I have learned to leave my past in the past. After years of self therapy, we went to counseling and our therapist explained that my relationship with the other gentleman ended the day I became someone’s wife. I made a clear choice and left-over emotion does not get to dictate how I will live my life. She applauded the fact that my husband is a man of faith because as she explained that is the only thing that will see us through all of this. I pray for my parents because I understand that there were many factors and things I will never know that led to the demise of their relationship but the one thing I have to acknowledge is that my little eyes saw two parents who loved me despite their faults. So now when I look in the mirror, I see a jewel who survived a storm and the twinkle in my eye is the reflection of the love I share with my husband.
CLICK HERE to read Part 1
A singer and songwriter who believes that one must be healed first before helping others. The stories that she tells whether through song or written is her offering of peace.
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